| Real Talk Show. **audience applauds** Dolph: Alright, people. That's enough applauding. I'm your host Dolph Rudager and let's bring out our first guest. She's on that awful show with the big dumb fat-ass who likes the Jets who has no regard for his health whatsoever, shit-for-brain's Kevin James of "King of Queens". Now here is Leah Remini. Dolph: "Hey." Leah: " 'sup." Dolph: "So how big of an ol' brat is your new kid, Leah? Real royal pain in the ass?" Leah: "Ugh! I can't STAND this kid!" Dolph: "I can't wait to get my nads chopped off." Leah: "I'm like to this kid, 'what's your problem?!" **begins mocking** "I want milky! I want milky! I want this! I want that!" Dolph: "Horrible." Leah: "And I'm like, 'just go to sleep already'; god damn it." Dolph: "yeah no shit." Leah: "So, I'm like, 'go sit in the naughty corner!' And the fucking kid refuses!! And the lil shit goes running around the house and I had to chase the lil bastard around." Dolph: "Kids have no respect for authority whatsoever these days." Leah: "So I grab the kid, shake it up a bit until it finally gets the fuckin' hint. So I stuck that kid in the naughty corner for a good 5 hours while I went to the gym. I mean, do I have to tie the kid to a fucking chair??" Dolph: "I'm not really big on the gym.. there's a lot of herpes and toe fungus lying around." Leah: "I'm not either but this damn kid made my freakin' ass huge." Dolph: **points** "That is one fat ass." **turns around and shouts to backstage** "Hey crew! We're gonna need a wider chair!!" Leah: "Oh, and you can't reason with these kids at all, either, you know what I'm saying? I plead and I plead and I plead, I'm like, 'MUST you break everything I own??? Stop being a bad kid!' " Dolph: "Mhmm." **nods** Leah: "You know sometimes I just want to wrap my hands around his neck and wring it out like a dish rag! Haha!" Dolph: "Haha! That's fucking cold!" Leah: "yeah." Dolph: "That reminds me of a story when I went to the supermarket the other day, and as I was walking towards the Liquor department, there was this mother with 2 young children and an infantile. Of course, the mother was too busy reading the National Inchoir while her kids were picking their nose and wiping it everywhere while they were opening & eating all the candy and gum off the rack while screaming and yelling. So I walked up and ripped the magazine out of her hands and smacked her & her kids around a bit with it.. and dumped some soda which I had in my hands on top of the mother's head while I yelled at the mother to get her tubes tied and I said 'she had the face of a Gastric Brooding Frog.' " Leah: "Hey, how about this asshole, eh? Yeah!" **audience begins clapping** Dolph: "We've been putting up with these people and their brats for far too long." Leah: "Oh I hear that." Dolph: "So how's the show doing?" Leah: "Oh I don't know. The show has been on for so many god damn years... Every story has been re-written... names changed.... everything conflicts with all the older stuff; awe hell it's just a big mess." Dolph: "You ever notice in a scene when there's no dialog, and it's just Kevin walking around and breathing really loudly?" Leah: "I really try not to notice. I'm backstage and it's like a fucking city dump. Fucking wrappers, pizza boxes piled up; bacon grease everywhere, oh fucking God." Dolph: "alright, my producer is screaming something about taking a commercial break or some shit. We're sponsored by some cocksuckers that make shit or something. I don't know. I hate this god damn network. We'll be right back." **audience applauds** **fade out into commercial** END |