On this page I’m going to post stories and quotes from the retards associated with
Morrisons, only the very "best" will go here and check back often because chances are I'll
be adding new ones quicker than you can say "fucking retard"
Quite simply the undisputed best off all was the truck driver who asked me "Excuse me mate,
where’s the store?" He had reversed the truck up to the loading bay, come into the store and
the truck was being unloaded. I can see how he could have gotten lost.
Here's a dramatic reconstruction made by a friend of mine:
Another top one was a customer who asked if I knew that the bread "up there" was actually
wholemeal. "Yes" was my response but that wasn’t good enough, so determined he was to get
his message across that it was brown bread in a white breads packaging and that it was
like that for the past 6 weeks that he stood for 20 minutes while I found something else to
do. Dumb fuck was still there when I returned so I sent him to someone who could act
concerned. I was almost convinced that for 6 weeks Warburtons decided to put one of their
brown loaves in a white breads packet and send it to millions of people all over the
country, those millions of people didn’t notice and neither did Warburtons bakers, machine
operators, managers, supervisors or quality control, the only person who noticed out of
the millions of people was him, almost.
The 3rd out of the top 3 best was this twit. He interrupted my hard work one day to ask for
as many bottles of chocolate milk as I could give him. Due to Morriosns usual competence,
and also that fact that it's a supermarket and not a cash and carry, there wasn’t that much
so I gave him what I could. Mostly satisfied, he left after explaining how he had been
around the other stores in the area buying all the chocolate milk on promotion. "So what?"
you say "Someone likes chocolate milk, maybe they're having some sort of gathering." Yes
that would be fine and dandy and not worth bothering about but the best part of it all? His
explanation as to why he wanted soooo much of it: "I don’t even like chocolate milk, I just
thought Id buy it cos it was on offer." So my theory about him having a milk fetish was
blown out of the water. Later he came back when more of it came in and bought an entire
shelf of it. Retardation at it's finest. I still like to make guesses why he wanted so
much.
I’ve been asked many times for "frozen ice" its a good job they told me it was frozen ice
they were looking for or else I would probably have ended up giving them one of the 50
other types of ice that you can buy like curried ice, fried ice, stuffed ice, tinned ice,
fresh ice, stewed ice, red ice, green ice, yellow ice, flame grilled ice, ready made ice,
microwavable ice...
Another truck driver thought someone had stolen the bulbs in the trailer, then he realised
that the trucks ignition wasn’t on. To try to cover up his stupidity he said he was trying
to save energy, but then decided "aye Ken Morrison and his energy saving policies, fuck
him" So now you’ve decided you don’t want to save energy? but wait your implying that the
truck is wasting energy by having the lights switched on? Plugged into the mains is it? It
doesn’t run by a battery in the trucks engine? You know, one that recharges when the engine
is running? Make up your fucking mind. Actually no, its just easier to admit your
retarded.
Our friend who couldn’t find the store when he was in the middle of it made a return, this
time he managed to find the store without a hitch, well done I say. Only this time as one
of my fellow teetotallers was coming through a set of double doors a good bit away from
where his truck was, the twit said to him "oh thank fuck for that, I didn’t know how I was
going to get out of here!" So you were just going to leave the truck there, find another
exit somewhere and walk 50 miles back to the depot? Your dedication to your fitness is
inspirational.
One of my supervisors was convinced that this
was chocolate. Pumpernickel, Fitnessbrot, Vollkornbrot,
Sonnenblumenkernbrot, Vierkornbrot, all popular types of chocolate.
It's not just Morrisons truck drivers that have an IQ lower than the trucks they drive. A
driver for well known dairy company Arla, who supply our milk got himself sacked on his
first day. Instead of wearing Arla's green overalls he had a red t-shirt, British army
desert camouflage trousers, one boot and one sandal. Sanity questions abound already. After
realising that he couldn’t get the milk storage and transport cages over the ramp by a
simple push like the rest of the drivers he devised his own way. Instead of effortlessly
pushing the cage over the low side of the ramp he pulled it to the back off the truck and
pushed it as fast as he could towards the ramp. His knowledge of physics obviously wasn’t
too great though, as the bottom of the cage came to a sudden halt as it hit the ramp, there
was nothing to stop the top and so the cage fell over, throwing bottles of milk everywhere
in a spectacular fashion and causing a lake of milk to form. His day of destruction wasn’t
over either. After all the milk was safely offloaded by a slightly more competent person,
the dumb bastard left us for good but before we stared the celebrations, I noticed he had
left the beams for securing the milk inside the trailer behind. God I would have loved to
see the mess in the back of that truck when he got back to the depot....
Egg disasters are a common occurrence in Morrisons. I'll define an egg disaster as the
following: "when an unbelievable act of stupidity by a member of Morrisons staff causes a
significant amount of eggs to be damaged and/or destroyed." All eggs used to be
transported by the supplier in their own trucks and since these folk were professional egg
handlers nothing ever got damaged. Either that or they just had a basic understanding that
eggs require a bit more care. However in an attempt to save money, Morrisons decided that
it would be a better idea to transport the eggs themselves in their own trucks. Here is a
picture of the first time Morrisons implemented their new money saving policy:
Just look at all the money they managed to save with this new policy
Another disaster would have been only a disaster and not a catastrophe if I had been left
as the damage controller. The official story is that "some guy" hit a load of eggs with a
cart of rubbish, causing loads of eggs to fall and break. Unofficially, a girl with large
breasts hit it with them, causing the disaster, which wouldn’t be a disaster, more of an act
of nature. Anyway, I was left with the wonderful task of cleaning all this up the old
fashioned way but my supervisor had a much better idea: "clean" it up using a machine for
polishing the floor, so rather than a load of broken eggs we had an omelette. Tasty, must
remember that eggs make good floor polish.
