"Eat my shorts."
"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no
way you can prove anything!"
" Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!"
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
"Don't have a cow, man."
"Cool, I broke his brain!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures."
"What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?"
"Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't."
"All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale."
"No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
"I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress."
"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ."
"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
"Dad, thanks to TV,' I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?"
"What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it."
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!"
"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my understanding."
"Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun."
"I am through with working. Working is for chumps."
"It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have."
"Cross you heart, hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. Jam a dagger in your thigh. Eat a horse manure pie!"
MARGE SIMPSON HUMOR
"Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you."
"Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?"
"Bart, stop pestering Satan!"
"No i will not pay you $500.00 for sex!"
LISA SIMPSON HUMOR
"Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican."
"Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."
"It's naive to think you can change a person--except maybe that boy who works in the library."
"Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!"
"It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV."
"Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?"