1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you slept in
because there was a distinct chill in the air at bedtime
due to the temperature having dropped below 70
degrees.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long robe and a towel on
your head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way,
cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile
turban jokes, and then rush to bathroom.
3. Turn on the hot water only and let run.
4. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out
your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about
how you're getting fat.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all
that steam, and adjust the water to a temperature slightly
below it's boiling point.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
8. Rinse.
9. Repeat.
10. Rinse.
11. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
12. Rinse.
13. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey
conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair
for fifteen minutes.
14. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
ten minutes until red raw.
15. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake
body wash.
16. Complain bitterly when you realize that your
boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger
Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
17. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come
off).
18. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you
can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you
warm.
19. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in
10.
20. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the
toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
21. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
22. Dry with a towel the size of a small African
country.
23. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a
spot.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
24. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on
head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up
any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban
jokes, and then rush to bedroom.
How To Shower Like a Man:
1. If you wore clothes to bed last night, take them off
while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your
girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check quickly for pecs again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use
one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the
mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.