Always Wanting
Looking at you hiding behind my cheerful mask its not always easy to smile. To pretend that I don't feel the way I feel when I'm with you.
The more I'm with you the more I care I'm falling in too deep clouding the clear waters of friendship with the murky silt of something more.
Not quite love, more than friendly cameraderie I'm not sure what I feel.
Yet, I know your heart. There is no place in it for me. I can accept that.
I will not play my hand, keeping close to the vest my emotions dealt out with such abandon; you need not know what I feel.
Love is love, no matter the form; a friend's love is better than no love at all.
Lost
Hope rises and flares in my eyes giving my heart brief life before crushing disappointment despair overwhelms my soul and I fall from the clear blue skies of love into the dark stormy waters of the lost.
For I am lost. I am a prisoner of my darkest desires, of my wants and unfulfilled dreams. They float above me, mockingly fragile as soap bubbles, always dancing out of my grasp just when I close my hands.
Surrounded by faces, yet I walk alone seperate, always from my brethern excluded from some great secret I can't understand or comprehend.
Wandering, through empty hallways, taunted by flickering images of that which I most desire yet I am empty unfulfilled, left hollow by the heartache and chilled by the indifference.
I throw my arms out in supplication, bargaining away pieces of my soul, only to have my sacrifices mocked, accepted, yet rejected as once again I am denied, left with only the ruins of my shattered heart.
I am lost.
Prayer
Who am I? What have I become? Hateful, hurtful embittered by a soap oper of tragedies that only make sense to my soul? Who have I become to judge so harshly to condemn with the fury of the righteous, when I've had no just cause?
My aching heart has swayed my deluded mind irrational judgements I've made, tortured decisions I've declared, and enemies conjured from thin air. Who is this poor wretch who stares back from the looking glass - a deranged and tormented Alice begging for release from the hellish Wonderland from which she is imprisoned?
I am ashamed of who I have become. The vision I see is not me; rather, it is who I have let myself become - caused by resentment, jealousy, anger, and yet, even hate, and fear. All the lower emotions of humanity have become entrenched in my soul, leaving scars in their wake.
Father in heaven, I beseech thee, take this cup from me, for it is bitter, and I do not want it. Take my scarred and wounded heart in Your hands and give me rest.
It is surely not what I deserve, but I beg forgivness for my sins. My concience is the cross I bear as I wander in the dark. Father, shine your light upon my face, that I may find my way home. Turn not your face from me, but show me thy glory, remake me in your image, and lift me above the petty, hurtful world.
Help me heal my broken soul.
Keeping Secrets
Why did it have to be you? Why, of all available to me, must I love you? At night, your shade haunts me. In my dreams, you hold me close whispered promises that fade into bitter reality with the harsh light of day.
Too afraid to speak my mind too afraid to lose your friendship and trust. I told you once how I felt and said those feelings were no more. At the time, it was all true. I have moved on past infatuation to love another.
Yet, I found my feelings returning to you once more. Another quandry devils me: What to do with how I feel? Should I stonewall my heart, block off my emotions veil my eyes so you can't see the depth of emotion that lurks beneath?
I don't dare to hope that your heart will change. I don't ask for you to love me. I only ask that you be kind and not reject me out of hand or shun me, out of fear or loathing. That I could not bear.
This changes nothing in our relationship our friendship can survive my wounded aching heart. You will never know the true depth of meaning when I say "I love you" or know the bitter irony of those words.
You'll never know the ache in my heart that lingers after you leave me like the scent of your cologne that invades my heart like an arrow I bleed to death one drop at a time with a cheerful grin as long as you are near.
You'll never know, for I fear I'll never tell . . . .
Betrayal
It was all a terrible mistake. I didn't mean to read the damning letter the one that tore at my soul, at my heart. How could you betray me behind my back? Sharing confidences about ME that I knew nothing of that you needn't concerned yourself about?
Who gave you the right to so senselessly throw off a judgement of my character, as if I were a wayward child and you some adult protector, thinking in your vanity that you knew better than I about myself and what I needed.
You, who I loved above all others, who I never would have thought could have even conceived such a thing your hands are stained red now, with my hearts blood as I weep bitter tears at what was rent irrevocably the tender bloom clipped before its prime.
You, who I trusted with the bosom secrets of my heart, I, who never trusted easily yet placed my faith in you, sends a searing fire through my being, burning up compassion, hate, anger, pain leaving only the ashes of lost love to swirl in the aftermath.
Soft tears welling, quenching the desert of my face, I who said I would cry no more for you, find fresh waters waiting over this latest injustice. May God have mercy on me, and grant me a small portion of his loving forgiveness, because I have none of my own to forgive.
By Allegra
Torn
Staring out the window, lanscapes passing by fighting back the tears that threaten to fall as rain falls from the sky.
Thinking back on all the things we've shared, together the laughter, tears, a special bond formed never to be severed.
But now, cast away like unwanted toys I feel lost, cast adrift in a sea of pain while you find yourself.
What did I do to make you fear? What have I done to change your heart? Why have you turned from me spurned, rejected torn apart.
Once I had your love, even in less than words and deeds your best friend I knew your mind words fell like seeds
Planted in fertile soil. For a time, they seemed to bloom but after your heart changed they began to whither neglected too soon.
Now, little more than friends your chill manner freezes my soul do you still love me? Do you still care? I can only feel the cold
Warmth no longer touches me nor anger, laughter, fear; my life like a barren field where nothing will ever grow all life has been seared
From my soul. watching my life turn to dust; I have no tears left to cry, only watch numbly only because I must.
Forever doomed to be shut away locked out of your heart as you tell yourself lies to deny to yourself what you feel knowing you're wrong from the start.
Will you ever return to me? My arms wait, opened wide aching for your touch, your smile, your scent I ache inside.
It's all to much I can't take much more of this the loss, the wait seems so hopeless all I long for is your kiss
Find yourself soon, love, and return to me my heart breaks a bit further each day. Have your flings, if that's what you need but soon, open your eyes and see
Taht we belong together, you and I you are a vital part of me, and I of you incomplete without the other maybe, in time, you'll see.
I can only pray that God will bring you back, to my heart into my arms to home once more never again to part.
By Allegra
Secret Love
Looking up to the star-strew sky, I deeply sigh, walking down the snowy road, alone with my lonely thoughts.
Only time itself can ease the pain, unrequited love, seeing you, hearing you with others Yet you still never know.
Never realizing the depths of my love; always mistaking it for something other than it really was.
How can I go on? as merely friends when I want so much more than what I have.
Greedy, like a drunken fool, I drown, in the tears of pain wept each night alone.
Yet, through it all, no heed you pay, mindless to what I feel.
Should I scream aloud? dare I brave the harsh light of rejection?
But, sadly, I cannot will not, declare my love, outloud for all to hear.
Content to stay in the darkness, faithful servant to my fear, yet still a slave to my dreams and desires.
So, once again, I return to my bed to sigh and dream with sadness, of what could be, of wishes to come true.
Wishing one day, truth would dawn, and fill your senses, enlightenment at last.
For now, I rue the day, welcome night, bringer of happy dreams as dreams are all I'll ever have.
By Allegra
>Heartbreak The days pass like hours now, unnoticed and uncared. seems like years since you left me, to wander lost, in the rain, alone
How empty your promises now seem, the sting of lost love bleeding all hope from my heart as I think with sadness of what I have lost
Was it all my fault? Or were we both to blame? two parts of equal folly, stubborn-necked pride, all I knew was that you wanted out, wanted to be free
Time can only heal the breach you've made inside my heart I could have begged you to stay, but I would not, could have begged for one last kiss, but could not.
You said maybe another day soon, we could be together again another lie to raise false hopes, as I reel, drunk on the wine of sorrow, the tears of pain.
How can I go on without you? Whom I entrusted with my heart? How can I live, knowing I've lost something so dear? Can you feel the pain I feel, or are you so hard you feel nothing at all?
I pray that time will speed, in order to heal my wounded heart, and pray that there are few scars surrounding my broken heart.
In time I could love again, but for now the future is bleak; you occupy my waking thoughts, and haunt my very sleep. Do I taunt you half as much, with dreams of yesterday? One could only hope, as I look with bleak, dry eyes, to tommorow. By Allegra
To Mae
you exuded sweetness in such a subtle way in your light brown eyes, in the little words you could say so gentle and charming, so adorable and kind a little angel on earth, that you don't often find and your soul touched me and your hugs were so tight you were full of strength cause each day was a fight I am proud that I knew you even if it was at the end up in heaven be my guardian angel be my special friend. By Bijou
Hidden
Forgotten, as the grains of sand fly by, beating against the glass in futile anger railing against imprisonment
Much like I in this forgotten corner of my mind the anger surges forth to bat madly against the walls of it's prison
Limply I lay, shallow breath drawing a sigh drained by the constant battle to keep the rage inside the murderous wrath
Must I fight always the rage, the pain the urge to kill, to hurt, as I have been hurt wounded, wild animal
Sanpping in pain and confusion at things I cannot see keeping it at bay another battle won But who will win the war?
Will the beast give rise to some more monstrous inhuman rage no control, no fear
Will the human contain the beast inside, tame the reflexes calm the raging storm within?
By Allegra
Remembrance I hear nothing but the wind, as it rustles through the tall grasses; the bright summer sun beats down, burning golden beams upon all it touches. I am alone. Perhaps it was meant to be this way. You leave, your time to go on has come and I know that it's for the best. Yet my heart still greives. I wish I could go on with you, but my place is here. It's not my time to leave, not my time to shine. Yet still, the pain is there, no less real than the grief that shimmers, lightly under the surface. You will be missed, my friend, more than you will know. My hearts sings the language of sorrow and loss, yet also sings the song of peace and acceptance, hoping your heart will hear, and respond. You will always be a part of us all, in our hearts, and in our very souls. You will never be forgotten. In memory of Curtis Brown - may the music live on forever. By Allegra
Death I see the bright sunlight as it touches the still face the lips so pale, so soft now flaw there to marr the grace. I feel the deep sorrow carving through, like a knife I'll never again see your eeys far away from life. The pallor of soft skin a deathly white of hue ears closed forever to the sound of "I love you". I touch your cold cheek a tear rolls down, soft, the pain once again fills me as it falls to the blue cloth. Once last loving look, a truly final goodbye as darkness closes upon you the love between us never to die. By AllegraThe Choice Distance seems to ease the pain not having you by my side. Knowing that you still care Seems to rekindle the flame of hope. Do I dare harbor this light? THe tiny whick, so fragile, allowed to burn when I trimmed it so long ago. Never again, I promised myself to allow myself the pain I've let you go, tried to move on, but I find you're still in my heart. What can I do? I've tried to move on but memeories haunt me torment me with their sweet pain. Do you still belong to someone else? Or has your heart become true? Or is it merely hope again breathing false life into my breast? Until the time I know for sure the way of your heart I can never fully let go; I can never fully give up. All this time, I've waited, prayed, for you to realize your heart and either love me or set me free. For until that day comes I can never cleanse my heart can never let you go; you damn me. Curse me, to a life of servitude I am a slave to my hope. As long as doubt can linger my heart lingers, also. Despite the ripping pain despite the constant ache I still belong to you no matter the consequences. Only you can set me free though our bond will never end. It can only change but nothing will ever change that. Our lives are forever linked two halves of a whole ever the same, ever changing as time cycles on. I've passed my test of pain again and again waiting for you, watching you deny who are you. Who we are. Nothing will change the ay that I feel though time may bank the embers still, they burn Never completely extinguished. It's your turn now: The time is yours I can only wait. You will determine the course of your love. To be lovers, or merely friends. I stand aside, to let you make the choice as all my words would fall on deaf ears. You must choose, I know this now deep within my heart. But until you choose, I'll be forever suspended my sword hanging over released solely on your whim. All I can ask is speed; to quicken your thoughts to end this torment ease my pain. Yet, my heart knows I cannot rush you in this; so important haste could bring disaster. As all of the choices we make this, of all, must be free: Free to love, or free to spurn all rests upon your shoulders, now. I, the keeper of my heart, can only watch, and wait while you choose, and simply hold on to that flickering flame, My life, or my death. await you, as you have my heart in your hands. Choose wisely. That is the only plea I make. Care not, for me, if that is your choice but care for me, that you weigh your decision with utmost care. You hold the key to life and death all I ask is that you act not in haste; or rage, or fear look within for guidance. Listen to God; it's his choice, as well to determine both our fates and how we live our lives. Choose wisely, love, as I plant a phantom kiss on your far-away brow; you choose not only for yourself You choose for me, as well. I will love you always, whatever your choice only you decide the form. As the famed man oft said "Do not go gentle into that good night," Do not go gentle into this. . . Rage, rage, against all you hold true. . . To seek that truth within you. By Allegra
Love and Lies Sunlight streaming Through the open window Glitters fractured rainbows Off broken glass Lying around my feet. Undaunted, forward I walk Unmindful of the pain The broken skin That bleeds Blood-red tears In great torrents. I feel none of it. I know only the emptiness Inside Alone. Yet, I pretend as well as The next, Laughing, sarcastic wit Hiding behind A smile. To feel is too damaging Tis far easier to lie Block all I feel Hide behind a fa�ade And weep no tears. Tears are a form of weakness Cracks in my iron will Showing the pain beneath Frailties I can ill-afford And do not want. The fresh air calls, From my high perch; Blue horizons stretch Beneath my mountain top As the wind blows Through my hair. I contemplate my surroundings As the wind tempts me to fly Forget all pain To fly. But I'm not ready to end To close my book; There are too many Unwritten adventures, To few stories told. Shaking my head I turn away from the urge I tear myself away from The blindingly beautiful edge Back to reality. "No more will you rule my heart", I say, but know truthfully I speak lies, even To myself Denying your hold over me. Yet, my lies I must tell In order to keep what Precious sanity I may have As you leave me little If any at all. Standing at the window Amongst the fractured Rainbows shining In the sunshine, I breathe the sweet air, Fragrant, heavy As my heart As I prepare Firmly, Once and for all To free you From my heart. Closing away the truth For a darker day When the only ray of light I see Will be the frail light Of hope In my darkest hour. But will it sustain me? Or will the malnourished flame Flicker and die To leave me stranded In the dark? Much like you, My guiding light Left me alone To grope painfully Towards the dim gray light Of solitude. But I survived. Scarred and toughened, I went on, to live, Rather than die From your neglect. Whether you change your heart Is irrelevant, now. The breach is made That only love can heal. TRUE love, not merely friends, Is required, now. Will I love again? Truthfully, I cannot say You will remain in my heart. Regardless of the years that pass Or countless love affairs Though I may deny And claim to love others My heart knows the truth. I will always love only you, for Always. Forevermore But I close off my heart, And set you free. By AllegraEmpty Walking slowly through the field Sunflowers nodding sagely Left and right In their mad delerium As I continue on alone. Alone, yet not, As my thoughts keep me comp'ny Through the lonely hours Of my self-imposed exile Dreaming of you. So far away, you seem All but lost to me. Ahh, but in my dreams, You stay Beside me. I still love With all my heart Yet; my heart begins to despair Of your swift return If at all. Only time can tell If you still feel love For me; It matters not - My heart will not change. I've given up hope and prayer God stands mute; It's not his choice to make Nor fate Only you. Yet, you still lie To yourself Still deny Unless I dream It's all still in your heart. Pride taken over I no longer will beg; Like a starved puppy For your affections. I will remain aloof. I couldn't go on waiting Pining my life away I needed to live Though it cuts like a knife I can't cut you completely away. For a part of you remains And always shall; Keeping a tiny ember bright Of hope, Keeping the fragile flame alive. Walking in a field of broken dreams Forgotten yesterdays, Sowing the seeds of What might have been And what could yet be. I nod, sagely, To the nodding sunflowers And angle my face to the sun Eager for the warmth To fill the gaping hole You've left in my soul. By Allegra
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