this is how it starts.
a beautiful lavendar prom dress that is a little too tight. mom says,
"let's get the medium"
this is how it starts.
a photo of yourself with smiling, chubby cheeks.
it starts with five vanity pounds. a pact with your best friend,
we'll diet togehter.
it starts small, innocent.
it starts with an old pair of jeans, they don't zip-up.
it starts with you standing in front of a mirror, naked.
am i fat? you ask an empty room.
it starts when you see a pretty girl who is thinner than you,
she reaches for the dress you wish you could buy
but can't fit into -
you go without a meal.
laughing, you remind yourself
that youre in control of this. you're not sick.
its okay, in moderation
just close your eyes and look away.
one day, you reach for a size 0 and its too big.
one day you feel faint after walking across the room.
one day, your bracelettes slide from tiny wrists, your rings fall
from boney fingers.
you wonder,
how long have you been shutting your eyes?
how long have you looked away?
one day, you open your eyes
to a squint.
you blink as they adjust slowly to the light, and
when the figure before you begins to take form
you pretend not to recgonize her.
you can do nothing but stare.
is that skeleton in the mirror - that shadow of a girl - is that really you?
you wish you hadn't seen. you try to look away.
you try not to see how sick you are. quick!
look away and try to remind yourself how strong you've been.
oh, beautiful and sad one. one day you start to cry.
