Bethany is loved and missed by
Michelle Esquilant (Mum), Lorraine Fursey (Nanny),
Darren Esquilant (Uncle), Ann Johnston (Aunty),
Matthew Esquilant (Uncle), and (Great Grandparents)
Jack & Grace Marsden also her (cousins) Aimee, Tim
and Christopher Johnston also all of her great
aunties and great uncles.
I am writing this in loving memory of my beautiful
ANGEL BETHANY LORRAINE ELAINE ESQUILANT
I will start at the beginning of the story when I was young. Too young for all of the things I was doing but should not have been doing but doing them anyway.
I had quite a few problems at home with my mothers second husband.
The year was 1990 I had, had just about enough of the hassles of home and my Mum's second husband. During this time I had a boyfriend and his name was Damian and we were doing all the things that we shouldn't have been doing and that's how my little ANGEL was conceived.
So whilst my Mum and her husband were on their honeymoon I decided that I was a big adult, all of 15 years old. I was going to move out of home and live with my boyfriend.
I was very stubborn and still am. When my Mum and her husband arrived home from their honeymoon I deliberately started arguments with my Mum (poor Mum).
Then after a huge argument I told her I was leaving and did the cowardly thing and waited until she went to work packed a really big bag and took off to my boyfriend's house.
Well was I in for a rude shock I did not get the reaction out of my mum that I thought I would and she let me stay there.
I thought she would cry and beg me to come home but she didn't.
But unbeknown to me my Mum's heart was breaking and she really wanted me to come home but she chose to let me make my own decision. You know the old saying that we all learn from our mistakes especially the big ones.
Even though it was hard for my mum to stand back and watch. She had to for my sake. One day I might stand back and see that I have learnt my lesson and I am a better person for it. Thank you Mum.
Well things were going good at first, When I moved in with my boyfriend Damian but after a while I didn't like the responsibility of having to look after a house and having to prepare meals do the laundry and etcetera.
But we still made a go of it because we knew that I was pregnant with our baby.
The problem was that we had not told anyone of our little secret and I knew that my Mum needed to know before she found out from any one else.
But with me being so young and Damian being so much older (he was 30) we were both scared of telling her. He kept telling me you tell her and I kept telling him you tell her.
During this time I had very bad morning sickness and unbeknown to Damian and myself Mum had already put 2 and 2 together and had figured out already that I was pregnant.
In the end I shamed Damian into telling my mum and her reaction was not what we were expecting she said its about time we finally told her.
Mum asked if we had been to the Dr's yet my reply was "no not yet" she said "you had better get yourself to the Dr's then" and I agreed. (I still had many lessons to learn).
I was still living at Damians house at that time but in a matter of weeks that was all about to change.
Well living the life of a grown up was not what it was all cracked up to be.(Another lesson learnt).
Damian and I started disagreeing about things and he started saying I was too immature.(Hey wake up mister I was only 15).
One night at around bed time we had a disagreement about something and Damian said that I should go back home to my Mum then. (My memories aren't so clear hear).
I started to get up because he said he was taking me home. I was sitting on the side of the bed and then from out of the blue Damian kicks me full in the face. I remember his shin hitting me in the face (mainly the jaw) and then I felt terrible pain. After that I think I blacked out.
There are only small pieces of that night I remember as I kept blacking out after that, I remember Damian trying to wash my mouth with water as blood was just going every wear. The next thing I remember is the hospital asking me how do you spell your sur name. As I couldn't talk I had to write it down for them after that my Mum and my sister Ann arrived at the hospital. I was taken through to accident and emergency and they did tests and x rays on me.
It was determined that I had a broken jaw and all of my front teeth had been pushed back about 2 and 1\2 inches.
Also that night they did blood tests and confirmed that I was pregnant.
I was admitted to hospital and was treated for my injuries but the major problem that myjaw could not wired as by this stage I had morning noon and night sickness. They sent me to have my teeth fixed at the dental hospital that was 6 months of work in all.
After I was released from hospital (a 1 and a 1\2 week stay )I went home to my Mums house and left Damian forever.
Because I was so young I was put into a special program just for pregnant teens. It was called Teen Pregnancy Warehouse group. In this group I felt at ease as all the others in the group were teens just like me.
The Midwife that looked after me was a wonderful man named John Wagner he was so helpful and caring. My Dr was also a lovely man named Dr Spurrett he was extra special as he was my Mums Dr when she gave birth to me.
At this teen pregnancy program they had lots of groups to help teach me how to do things during labour and delivery and also how to look after my baby once it was born.
I received all of my antenatal care at the group.
I had a very difficult pregnancy as I had morning noon a night sickness for the whole pregnancy some times the vomiting was so bad that I was throwing up blood (that was when I was about 5 1\2 months along).
There were other problems as well. When I had my routine ultrasounds there always seemed to be a debate over what my due date was.
The date finally decided I was due was 3rd September 1991. During my pregnancy I got very depressed because I was going to be a single parent and at one stage I was so depressed, I told the baby I wish you would die and that I would die. That's the one thing I wish I could take back and wish I had never and I will live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life.
As my pregnancy progressed I got more scared of what the future would hold for me. The last month of my pregnancy was upon me and I just could not wait to meet my baby. My due date came and passed with no baby to show but I soldiered on.
I was well and truly overdue and for the last week the baby wasn't moving very much. But being young I don't think they believed me when I said the baby wasn't moving very much. So when I told my mum and she said something about it to them and they listened to her. They then sent me for a ultrasound on the 24th of September by this ultrasound it was discovered that the waters around my baby were reduced and they decided to induce my labour on the next day.
I was admitted to Nepean hospital that day.
That evening they started part of the induction by putting a foleys catheter at the neck of my cervix. Once it was in place they put some water into the catheter to try and trick my cervix into thinking the baby's head was engaged.
Later on that night I started having pains, this was about 8:45pm. About 10:45pm I called for a nurse and told her that I had these pains and she asked me if I thought I was having labour pains I said I don't know.
So she gave me something for the pain and also something to help me get some sleep (this helped).
I was awake at 5:00am on the 25th of September as today was the day that I was to be induced. They bought me a light breakfast at 6:00am it was toast with marmalade and a cup of tea. I remember this very clearly because I hate marmalade and I don't drink tea or coffee. (So I had a really light breakfast)
At 7:30am I was taken to the delivery suite to be induced. I was settled in the room and I had my Mum and aunty Barb as my support people in the delivery suite. In the waiting room outside was my sister Ann who was 6 1\2 months pregnant herself and Damian (Bethany's father).
The Dr came in and examined me the foleys catheter had all but fallen out (this was a good sign). I then had a internal examination and was found to be 2cm dilated my waters were also broken by the Dr. Then they put in the cannula (it took 5 attempts). They started the syntocinin drip running slowly. By this time it was 9:30am.
After about 15 min's I started getting contractions and they were about 10 mins apart and what I thought was strong.
After about 1 hour they put up the dose of syntocinin and this made the contractions stronger and faster. Wow they were really getting stronger now they were about 10 mins apart during this time they also were tracing her heart which was good and strong.
Around 12:30 they came in and checked on me gave me another internal examination and I was 5 1\2cm dilated just over half way. They then increased the dose of sintocinin which made the contractions come really hard and really fast they were 5 mins apart now. They also did a trace of her heart and it was still good and strong.
After having contractions like this I was starting to get a bit stressed at around 5:45pm they offered me some gas and I took it. When I started to use it made me feel a bit funny at first but after a while it gave me a little relief.
Then around 6:15pm I was sitting on the bed and leaning over the side on my Mum I was still quite a bit stressed and I was saying I cant do this anymore.
At around 7:45pm I started pushing.
I was still leaning on my mum in a sitting position on the bed and she said that I would need to turn around on the bed and put my legs up as I wont be able to push the baby out while sitting down.
I had been pushing for about an hour with no results so the Dr came and examined me again and it was determined that my baby was facing the wrong way.
He then made the decision to manually turn the baby. He had one hand inside me and the other hand on my tummy, and every contraction I had I was to push and when I pushed he would start to turn her by her head.
This was extremely painfulfor me and I was told to suck on the gas (this did not help with this extremly painful experience), this took just over an hour they also did a trace on her heart during this and it was still going strong.
After she had been turned around I was then in a more upright position and had hold of my legs just behind my knees and I started to push really hard now. They did one last trace of her heart it was still strongly beating, After a while her head started crowning.
Everyone said wow would you look at all the hair the baby has. This gave me some encouragement as I knew I would meet my new baby soon.
I gave one really good push and her head was now delivered and the beginning of my worst nightmare began.
As the midwife said that my baby was not breathing and that she had opened her bowels she was very blue, the midwife yelled at the attending midwife to go and get some help and as she ran from the room my aunty Barb had to get the suction tube off the wall and give it to the midwife that was still delivering my baby.
She put the tube down my baby's throat and said to aunty Barb to cover the air hole so she could suction out the meconium.
During this time my Mum was holding on to me giving me support while I was falling apart.
This seemed to go on for hours but in realty it was only minutes.
I had 3 more pushes and my sweet ANGEL
BETHANY LORRAINE ELAINE was born into the arms of the Lord.
Just as she was born the Dr's and midwifes ran into the room all at once and with them they brought a resuscitation trolley.
As soon as Bethany's cord was cut they took her to the resuscitation trolley and started to try and resuscitate her.
There was so much going on it was all so confusing and I yelled out DON'T YOU LET MY BABY DIE!!!!!
I started pleading with the Lord in silent prayer please don't take my baby please let her LIVE!
I said to the Lord I will do anything then I couldn't pray anymore and I think it was then that I knew that my sweet sweet baby was gone.
After that it was like watching every thing in slow motion as they worked on my tiny baby's body pumping in the adrenalin into her tiny little heart and then pumping air into her little lungs doing chest compressions.
At one stage they even thought they had a heart beat.
But it was not meant to be my baby my sweet angel was gone, gone forever.
They called death at 10:50pm 42 minutes after her birth as her official time of birth was 9:48pm on 25th day of September 1991.
After they did this the Dr came around to the side of my bed and took hold of my hand and he was crying and said I truly so sorry your baby girl did not make it. At this point I just fell to bits my whole world had been shattered.
My Mum was so hysterical that they took her out of my delivery room and sat her down and as that happened another midwife went out into the waiting room to tell my sister Ann and Bethany's father Damian what had just happened.
The midwife asked Ann and Damian to come in and sit down. My sister Ann said what ever you are going to say to me you can say it while I'm standing. The midwife said that I've had the baby and that their had been some complications and the baby did not make it. To which my sister replied well what are you going to do about it and Ann then said well I'm not waiting here and she then ran straight into my delivery room.
When Ann came into the room she asked Mum if I was alright, Mum said yes that I was ok the reason that I was so pale and out of it was because I was in shock.
I really remember this feeling as I just lay there on the bed and felt nothing I felt paralysed, hollow, empty, stunned it was like this was not real. But I knew it was it was so confusing.
I was at the stage were I just could not feel and could not talk and I could not cry it was like my body was there but I was not. Mum had rung the Minister of our church Hugh Ruse, Hugh and his wife Noeleen and good friend Shirley came straight to the hospital (this was around midnight). Mum and aunty Barb had started ringing relatives from my room as well to tell them what had happened (the midwives were very compassionate with things like this).
I remember holding Bethany for a few minutes I was not really with it the first time I held her, Then my Mum held her and then my sister Ann held her. Ann said she looks perfect like she is just asleep. Aunty Barb and the Minister Hugh and his wife Noelene held her. Damian held her and he was crying so much when he was holding her that his nose was running, His runny nose was almost running all over Bethany and this made my mum so angry that she got some tissues and grabbed at Damian's nose and nearly wiped his nose off his face.
I was asked if I wanted to hold Bethany again and I said yes.
When I held Bethany this time I was just exhausted and mum was on one side of me and aunty Barb was on the other side of me supporting my arms as I held her, It was at this time that I really looked at Bethany she was so beautiful and perfect in every way she had 10 little fingers, 10 little toes a sweet little face with her tiny little eyes closed and her little mouth partly opened, She had thick dark brown curly hair, the same mouth as me, She even had my shape eyes, Bethany was my perfect little girl.
So perfect she could not stay with me, Bethany was now God's little perfect ANGEL. Hugh also prayed for me and said that Bethany was in a better place now were she would not suffer. He also said this to my sister Ann but Ann did not want to hear this and became very angry and told Hugh well she should be here not in F@#=ing heaven.
They drove aunty Barb, Ann and Damian home as they were in no fit state to drive.
After they left I was told that I needed to have a shower. Well I refused to have one, to me it was wrong to have a shower I wanted every part of Bethany with me even all the messy part of labour.
But one of the midwifes made me have one and they put me in a wheel chair and took me to the showers.The midwife undressed me told me to sit in the shower and she washed me, I just could not do this for myself, Then she dried me and dressed me. I remember feeling so angry with this midwife thinking just leave me alone, I remember yelling at her to just leave me alone, But I realise later on that she was doing what was best for me. (I now feel sorry for this poor midwife).
After my shower was finished they took me and mum up stairs to the room we would stay in together this was a 2 bed room.They were really accommodating to us and they let mum stay with me in hospital no questions asked.
Our room was directly in front of the nurses station and on the door they put up a sign (do not disturb see nurse before entering) so we could have all the privacy we needed.
The nurses settled us in the room. One of the nurses came back in and gave me some sleeping tablets and said try and get some rest.
After the nurse left the room I said to mum you know what really hurts I didn't get to hear Bethany cry its just not fair mum why.
I did not sleep that night my mum eventually fell asleep around 2:30am and by 3:00am she got up in a sound sleep walked to the window in the room and started crying really loudly so loudly that a nurse came into the room to see if everything was ok, The nurse helped my mum back to bed.(My mum has no memory of this happening).
The day after Bethany was born I met a social worker her name was Ryan Andrews she was one very special lady who was very helpful and very understanding and caring with me and my family. My family came in to visit me this meant a great deal to me as I felt that they were recognising Bethany and accepting her into our family.
There were lots of family that came that day, I had Bethany in the room with me and the first person to arrive that day was auntie Barb she came in and gave me a hug and also nursed Bethany then came auntie Mary~Ellen she sat and cried with me and hugged me and she told me some things on that day that I never knew before. She had to have an abortion when she was 14 years old, because in those days it was not heard of to be a young single mother she also nursed Bethany and told me how beautiful and perfect she was.
Then the next person to come and visit me was my Grandma this was a very difficult time for Grandma as I knew she understood the pain I was suffering because she had also had a stillborn baby her name was JAN MARSDEN her date of birth was 27.5.1958
In the days that Grandma had Jan they took your baby straight away from you and Grandma did not even hold or touch her beautiful little girl. Grandma did not even get to bury her precious baby girl as in those days the babies were buried in the foot of someone else's grave, The only person who knew were she was buried was my Grandpop and he would never talk about it and I believe he went to his grave never telling anyone were Jan was buried.
So the first thing I said to Grandma was I want you to nurse Bethany because you never got to hold your baby, After I said that to Grandma she just started hugging me so tight and we held each other and we just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed Grandma and me held a special bond that day one we will hold for the rest of our lives.
The minister and his wife also came that day to just be there for myself and my family, Hugh and Noleen Roose were really good friends and really good support to us all throughout all of this very hard time. Other friends which comforted us that day were Greg and Lesley Olsen.
My sister Ann came with my brother Matthew. Ann came in to let us know that they had arrived and said to Mum that Matthew didn't think he could come in to see me, So Mum went out to Matthew and after a while he came in to see Bethany and myself he came over and gave me a hug and he was crying as well after a little while he also nursed Bethany. Ann nursed her as did Bethany's father Damian who came to be with us and to see his daughter Bethany.
After a while everyone but Grandma went to the coffee shop to have a break.
Grandma stayed with me to keep me company and whilst everyone was having a break a very insensitive Dr came in to ask me some questions. His first question was what are you going to use birth control now and started giving me some options well this made me very angry, My world had just been shattered and all he was worried about was birth control. I said that is none of your bloody business. Then he asked me another question he said would you like us to perform an autopsy on your baby to see if we could find a reason as to why she died? The question made my Grandma very angry she said cant we have time to at least grieve for her fist. I said I need time to think about this first and talk it over with my mum. The Dr then left. This was the hardest question that I ever had to answer in my whole life.
After everyone had come back to my room after their break at the coffee shop they all said their good byes to Bethany and me and went home.
After every one was gone I told Mum about the Drs visit and discussed what she thought about me giving the Drs permission to go ahead with the autopsy as I was in two minds as was what to do.
The following day my social worker Ryan came into see me again to talk with me and offer me and mum some comfort and support. To also discuss with me about the autopsy, answer all of the questions I had to ask her about what would happen and when it would need to happen. I agreed to have the autopsy done as I wanted to know if there was anything that happened to her that if we had known maybe could have been prevented her death.
On day three I just needed to hold Bethany so Ryan bought her in to me and I laid back on my bed and just held Bethany to my chest and I cried as I held her to my chest I talked to her telling her all things that we would have done together if she had stayed with me here on earth but that we would never do.
I also needed to discuss the funeral arrangements with the social worker Ryan this was really hard to do because reality was setting in I would not be taking my beautiful baby Bethany home with me. Ryan discussed with me as to wether I would like Bethany buried or cremated and almost immediately I chose to have her buried, We also talked about what colour coffin I wanted for Bethany and what sort of flowers I would like for her little coffin. After we discussed this she made all of the arrangements for us. Ryan did more for us than she will ever know she was truly a special person.
The evening of day three Dr Spurrett came to see me and said something to me that really made me angry at the time but I now understand as to why he had to say it now.
He said I think you've been here long enough now and you should go home in the morning. This made me very angry as I did not want to go home because if I went home I knew I could not take Bethany home with me.
That night seemed to go so quickly to quickly for me I stayed awake all of that night morning came so quickly that the next thing I knew I was packing ready to leave.
Everything was packed and put into the car and Mum said are you ready to go and I wanted to tell her NO and that NO Ill never be ready but I knew what I had to do.
I had to go I had to leave my first born baby my sweet little daughter Bethany in that cold lonely hospital with no one to love care and protect her and go home.
We started to walk out of the hospital to go home and when we got to the main doors of the hospital I believe I left a part of my heart in that hospital that day and that part of my heart will always be missing, As we walked through the doors of the hospital my arms were empty but they were so heavy as if I was carrying a big burden. The weight of loss was in my arms instead of what should of been there the weight of my sweet baby Bethany.
I remember that day as if it was yesterday I suppose I'll remember it for the rest of my life.
It was a very windy day and as we walked to the car it started to rain.
That car trip home was one of the hardest trips I have ever made. Instead of the joy of bringing home my new daughter I was going home to a bassinet that my baby would never sleep in and all of the sweet baby things that she would never use it was just so unfair.
The autopsy was done on the 30-9-1991, But we did not get the results for quite some time as they had to wait for all pathology results. They knew she was very unwell at the time of autopsy but had to wait for all of the pathology before they could give the final results.
The day of the autopsy I went to the hospital to see the social worker Ryan she had Bethany's hospital ID bracelet she needed to give me, she also needed to confirm some details for the funeral director, as some of the things I wanted could not be done so we made a few changes.
Ryan also asked me if I wanted to nurse Bethany today, With all of my heart I wanted to nurse my baby, But I said no, I said no because if I held her that one more time I knew that I would never let her go and I would have kept her in my arms for ever and ever.
The next day was Bethany's funeral this was a the worst day of my life as I knew that today that we were going to bury my little girl, With the burial of my baby girl I knew that I would never see her sweet little face again and that all I would have left of her would be some photos and her hand and footprints and a small lock of her hair and my memories.
The morning of Bethany's funeral seem to go by so fast next thing I knew was that my mum was driving me to the cemetery and we were running late, We were half way there and then we realised that we had forgotten the camera and film (this may seem morbid to some but photos are all I have of my sweet baby).
So mum did a u-turn so we could go back and get them by the time we got them we were running really late so mum started speeding up the highway so we could get there I know on that trip that mum went through a red light (we were really lucky that no police were on patrol along the highway that morning).
When we arrived at the cemetery we found a parking spot, Made our way to the chapel where the service was to take place and all of my family and friends were there waiting for mum and me.
The funeral director Allen Drew who was a lovely man came over to me and took me to the front of the chapel where Bethany's tiny white coffin lay for me to see Bethany and to say my final good byes to her.
I walked up to your tiny little coffin and I bent over and I started to stroke your soft little face, It was so unfair as I stroked you I said to you I wish you could stay, I need you here and said you will always be a part of me you are always in my heart.
I gave you some small things, These things were laid with you in your coffin, Your baby bottle with a tiny little duck in it the bottle would of been for some of your feeds, Your baby bib so I could wipe your little mouth after a feed, and a small white bible with photos of me inside it. The bible was to remind you that you are the Lord's child and the photos of me are for when you want to see what I was like, a Garfield the cat toy that was once mine so you can have something of mine close to you, also a heart that I made at a ladies Christian camp it was to do with a long journey and I believe you had a long journey into the Lord's arms and the last thing I put in your coffin was a small yellow Teddy bear because it was your first bear.
Your dad put a white teddy with you.
The Minister Hugh Ruse did the funeral service, he did a wonderful job. My memories are not as clear during the service as I was very numb and extremely emotional.
Hugh spoke of how beautiful Bethany was and how now she is at peace.
We sung three songs at Bethany's service the first one was,
THE LORD'S MY SHEPHERD
The Lord's my shepherd I'll not want;
He makes me down to lie
In pastures green he leadeth me
the quiet waters by.
My soul he doth restore again,
And me to walk doth make
Within the paths of righteousness,
Even for His own name's sake.
Yea, tho' I walk in deaths dark vale,
Yet will I fear no ill;
For Thou' art with me, and Thy rod
And staff comfort me still.
My table thou hast furnished
In presence of my foes:
My head thou dost with oil anoint,
My cup overflows.
Goodness and mercy all my life
Shall surely follow me.
And in God's house for evermore
My dwelling place shall be.
The second song was
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
No matter what happens I'll praise you my Lord
No matter what happened today
No matter what happens I'll praise you my Lord
No matter what happened today
My mind is limited but my spirit is free
Jesus is limitless - He lives in me
I open my heart wait for him to speak
And listen to his gentle voice
The one that I seek.
I'll praise you and trust you today.
The third song was
FATHER I THANK YOU
Father, I thank you
For all that you've done
You gave your son freely for me
And I praise you for calling me Drawing me near
Out of blindness
You caused me to see.
Spirit of life
You are God's holy fire
You've kindled my heart with your blaze
And I know your refining me
Changing my life
And by faith
You're revealing your ways.
Jesus I need you
As Lord of my life
I give all I have unto you
Lord I want to come under
Your heavenly hand
And to praise you
In all that I do.
The Father I thank you song means a lot to me as this song was also sung when I was baptised.
After the service in the chapel was finished we all made our way down to the plot where Bethany was to be laid to rest.
This was the hardest thing for me to do, As I knew that this would be the last time that I would never see my little girl.
There was a few words said at Bethany's grave I can't really remember what was said as I was just a wreck by now, Then the funeral director Allen gave a signal and they lowered Bethany's tiny little coffin into the ground, This was so shattering to me instead of a soft warm bed she was going into the cold hard ground. I just wanted to scream out to every one and say STOP don't take her away forever I want her back, Back in my arms, I wanted to beg and plead with them all, Just to have one more moment with my sweet baby girl. But I knew I could not, I knew that it was time to say goodbye for ever and ever!!!
After the service was over at her grave I just sat there I did not want to move from my chair I just wanted to stay, My mum and Noeleen Roose gently helped me up and took me over mums car so that we could go to Bethany's wake at our friends place Greg and Lesley Olsen.
Greg and Lesley are two wonderful people they just opened up the home to me and all my family and friends this small gesture means more to me than they will ever know.
At their place my family and friends said their condolences and eventually almost every one went home, By this time it was late and then the decision was made that we would all go out to dinner, We ended up going to Sizzlers.
Once we had all ordered and seated at our table we all sat around talking and eating, Then something I was quite unprepared for happened the waitress bought the side dish of cheese bread this made me quite upset. When I was pregnant with Bethany the cheese bread was one of my cravings, This may seem silly to some but to me it was just another small connection I had with Bethany and now it was gone, Just like she is gone.
After a while it was time for desert we were all still talking and then someone said something and then I suddenly I was laughing , And just as suddenly that I started laughing I stopped,
I thought to myself how can I LAUGH!!! I cant laugh its wrong my baby's dead my whole world has been shattered and I sitting here laughing, I felt that by
laughing that I was not honouring my little girl my sweet little angel, How can I laugh when she is not here.
Not long after this everyone had a cuppa and a after dinner mint and we said our good byes and went home.
The days after the funeral just went in a blur, All I can remember is that when the phone rang and people wanted to talk to me I just could not, It got to the stage where if the phone rang and I was the only one home I just would not answer it, It seemed that people would always ask the same question.
They would ask how are you feeling today???
Even if I was feeling ok this simple question would break me down and I would just start crying, When this happened people just did not know how to react or what to say to me.
Then if I started to talk about Bethany or how I really felt most people really did not want to listen.
One thing I have learnt from this is when most people asked this question, They wanted to hear an answer that they could deal with Like I'm ok or I'm coping fine.
One thing that I know for sure is that when I ask someone how they feel I will stay and listen to what they have to say, Even if its going to be hard to deal with.
About 2 weeks after Bethany's autopsy we had the results back and Dr Spurrett phoned us and asked us to come in to discuss the findings.
So we made an appointment with Dr Spurrett for the next day so we could find out the results of Bethany's autopsy.
Mum Ann Damian and myself went to the appointment to find out the results of the autopsy, When we arrived Dr Spurrett took us into his private office to tell us the results.
Dr Spurret was really helpful and explained the results over and over until I understood them,
The reason was that she had Acute Bronchopneumonia with a Staphylococcal infection which was a result of Group B Streptococcus
Dr Spurrett also gave me a photo copy of the autopsy report.
Dr Spurrett made sure that we knew every thing we needed to know, He kept on explaining things over until he was sure we had understood him.
After we left his office to go home I kind of felt a bit of relief to know that what had happened to Bethany was not my fault.
Also that if I decided to have any more baby's in the future that this could be prevented with iv antibiotics during labour, This was really important thing to know.
After getting the autopsy results I now feel better that I had the autopsy performed, because if I didn't have it done I would always have wondered wether I had done anything wrong.
Now was the time for me to start to sorting my life out as I had a lot of grief and a lot of soul searching to do, I knew that I had a long road ahead of me.
One of the things I did to help myself through my grief was to write a poem about Bethany and here is the poem.
BETHANY
Beautiful baby girl, so beautiful at birth
baby's love and baby's sweet dreams, were not meant for earth
Everything I have I would give up for you
even my life, but then I still wouldn't have you.
The pain is so bad, no-one knows what you are going through
there are times you feel so down, but someone always cares for you.
Hard as it may be, she will always be my baby
happiness is out there somewhere, even if I cant find it today.
Agonising, painful hurts will lessen one day
and don't listen to anyone who says the memories will go away.
No-one knows how you feel, or knows what to say
not even the family and freinds who surround you all day
You always hear of it happening to someone else
you think it will never happen to you, but sometimes it does.
I thank the Lord and count my blessings that one day I will see my beautiful and perfect baby girl, and that one day I can give birth to more beautiful babies that can have their time on earth.
To Bethany
All my love
MUMMY
Other things I did was to take flowers to the cemetery and just sat at her grave and talked to Bethany, This may seem really strange to some people but I did not care as this helped me and I needed to do these things for me and nobody else but me.
Mum and I also pressed the flowers that people had given me and we made Bethany's photo album, With the album we put the photos in the album, Then we cut out hundreds of little pictures out of the wrapping paper I had saved from the baby shower that was held for me, We put a lot of work into her album this was a good healing process for mum and myself.
Each year on Bethany's Birthday anniversary I light a candle in my bedroom and I buy some gladioli for a vase I have in my bedroom, I sit with my album and reflect back on my memories, This is my one special day that I will share with Bethany for the rest of my life.
I also like to make a new cover for the album every 5 years I look at this as my small gift to Bethany, I also have a little bit of healing with doing this. I have had picture of an angel bear that I drew and Bethany's name and date of birth tattooed on my arm.
I have written down Bethany's story had a lovely lady named Judi to make this site for Bethany and me.
Many thanks Judi because without you this would never been possible.
I would also like to say that I now have three healthy children and they are
James Matthew 10 years
Jack Raymond 8 years
Grace Debbie Ann 5 years
Mummy loves you my sweet children.
Everybody copes differently with life's tragedies so I do not ask every one to understand my story or my grief, But I hope that by telling my story that I may have helped someone else in their grief, and to say that you are not alone , there will always be someone there to share your pain, And if you're reading this and have no one to talk to or to share your thoughts with or just need to talk you can email me at [email protected]
and maybe we can help each other.
To see Bethany's photos, click on the small ones below
   
   
  
   
Here I would like to acknowledge other sweet angels that are a part of my heart and they are
My aunty JAN MARSDEN, a sweet angel in heaven who was still born to my grandmother
My niece (Bethany's cousin) my cousin Brook and her husband Geoff's baby, another sweet angel in heaven who passed away from sids
her name is
ZO� ALICIA DAVIS
My niece my children's cousin Karina's child Chloe who was taken away from us before her time through tragic circumstances now a sweet angel in heaven her name is
CHLOE LOUISE HOSON
I like to think that Jan, Bethany, Zo� and Chloe all together and are waiting for the day we will meet again.
Until we meet again we will miss you our precious angels with all of our hearts.
 
Web site created by Memorials By Judi
Midi Selection: Tears In Heaven
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