Spry: (is smirking and twiddling her thumbs) Well, hello, one and all to our wonderful little thing here.
(Yet again, we see Spry sitting on that creepy yellow stool in the middle of nowhere, or the voids of space and time, or some room with black walls, or whatever�..)
Spry: (stops twiddling) It�s really great, you know, being able to sit here for extended periods of time and watch our little friends trek off into uncertain dangers. It�s even better because they can�t hurt me! Off you go now! Have fun!
(With another one of those annoyingly bring flashes and a poof we see the Fellowship treading down a tock path between some giant rocks.)
Kit: (stumbles on a rock) Alright, that�s it! I am going to freaking kill that Sprite lady!
Van: Me too! I want to kill her too!
Gimli: Save your death threats! Soon you will be a witness to the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves!
Legolas: (scoffs) And that gives them something to look forward to?
Aragorn: (rolls his eyes) Not this again. Can�t you two get along for at least a little while?
Gimli: Me? Get along with an Elf? Never!
Van: What are we looking for again?
Legolas: We�re looking for the doors. But we have to get to the walls of the mines first.
Kit: Oh, goodie. Are we there yet?
Legolas: No.
Van: How about now?
Legolas: No.
Kit: Now?
Van: Yeah! What about now?
Legolas: We�re not there yet! Go bother Aragorn and Gandalf!
Van: Okay! Come on, Kit.
Van: Oh, Gandy-dude! We want to talk to you!
Gandalf: Oh Valar. Here we go again.
Aragorn: What do you suppose they want this time?
Gandalf: Oh who knows? What can I do for you ladies?
Kit: We were asking Legolas if we were there yet and he yelled at us to come and talk to you.
Aragorn: (raises voice so Legolas can hear him) Legolas, I�m going to hurt you for this!
Legolas: That�s fine. I could use some peace and quiet!
Van: So, are we there yet, Gandy-dude?
Gandalf: (getting angry) First of all, my name is Gandalf, not Gandy-dude. Secondly, no we are not there yet, and when we are I will let you know. Now go and entertain the hobbits, but do it quietly!
Kit: Okie dokie. Hobbity dudes, here we come!
Van: Oh, Sam!
Sam: What is it, Miss Van?
Van: No one will talk to us!
Frodo: (looks shocked) Oh, how horrible!
Kit: I know! It�s just terrible!
Frodo: What did you want to talk to them about?
Van: We wanted to know if we were there yet, and they verbally harassed us.
Harper: (from the back of the group) Van, shut up! You wouldn�t know if someone was verbally harassing you if they told you first!
Van: You know, you�re right!
Kit: (points at the hobbits as if counting and then stops) So, where did the other two short boys go?
Sam: They�re back there with the others.
Kit: What�re they doing back there?
Frodo: Listening to some of Boromir�s tales of Gondor and whatnot.
Van: (giggles) Whatnot!
Frodo: (looks at her strangely) What?
Van: Whatnot!
Kit: (pokes her) Van, shut up.
Van: Whatnot!
Sam: What is she doing?
Kit: She�s being dumb. Harper, make her stop!
Harper: Do it yourself. I�m busy.
Kit: Busy doing what?
Harper: I�m talking to Stevie.
Stevie: (waves) Yep.
Kit: No, your not. You�re talking to me.
Harper: Not anymore I�m not. (turns to Stevie again and whispers) So when exactly are we supposed to get there?
Stevie: Well, if we go by the movie we walk around and sit and wait. If we go by the book on this one�..
Harper: (grimaces) We stay another night and are attacked by Wargs�..wonderful.
Stevie: Personally, I like the movie thing better, don�t you?
Harper: Sort of, yeah. Well, regardless we still have to deal with the Watcher in the Water.
Stevie: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. That could suck.
Harper: That�s an understatement.
Pippin: (turns and looks at them) What are you talking about?
Stevie: Your mom.
Pippin: You were talking about my mother?
Harper: No, we were talking about how to harness all evil and insanity and then turn all of Middle-earth into a giant petting zoo.
Pippin: A petting zoo? That would be really big if it were all of Middle-earth.
Stevie: Yes, it would be.
Pippin: Would it have sheep?
Harper: Do you like sheep?
Pippin: Yes.
Harper: Than no, it wouldn�t have any sheep.
Pippin: (frowns) That�s mean.
Stevie: Pippin, we weren�t being serious. There isn�t going to be any petting zoo.
Pippin: Oh. So what were you really talking about then?
Harper: How to de-grumpify Cap�n Crunch over there.
Stevie: Yeah. That�s it.
Pippin: Really?
Stevie: Sure, why not.
Pippin: (furrows his brow) I�m confused. I don�t get you two.
Harper: (smirks) Of course you don�t. Go back over with Merry. I�m certain Boromir has plenty of stories to tell you about his homeland.
Pippin: Alright. You want to come too?
Stevie: Not right now. We�ve got some more talking to do.
Pippin: Alright.
(Pippin walks back over to Merry and Boromir. Kit and Van seem to be having some sort of a real conversation with Frodo and Sam. Gimli and Legolas are fighting about something and Gandalf and Aragorn are prodding the stone walls. Bill is trudging along behind Stevie and Harper because he is the coolest.)
Merry: Do you ever get homesick?
Boromir: Yes, I do. Sometimes I can�t help but worry�..
Merry: Are you afraid that something will happen while you�re gone?
Boromir: Yes. So much is going on and I know I am needed. I keep thinking about my brother and father. The sooner I can get back to Minas Tirith, the better.
Pippin: What do you think is going to happen when all this is over?
Boromir: I wish I could say. I would hope that there will be peace some day.
Merry: Do you think the quest will succeed?
Boromir: I hope so, but enough with the grim questions. I do believe Gandalf has found something.
(Gandalf has stopped, and Gimli is now at his side with this awed look on his face.)
Gimli: The walls of Moria!
Kit: Gimli, sorry to burst your bubble, but that is *one* wall. And it�s not even a wall. It�s a giant rock thingy. Learn how to count!
Gandalf: We must make our way around this lake�..the door should be somewhere on the other side, I think.
Aragorn: Come on everyone. Watch the water�..it�s strange. Don�t touch it!
(They all start walking and Gimli and Gandalf are tapping at the walls. Frodo seems kind of creeped out by the water and everyone else is just trudging along. Sort of like Bill, who is also trudging. Only Bill trudges coolest of all because he�s Bill.)
Gandalf: Dwarf doors are so well hidden that even their own master�s would have a hard time finding them if their secrets were forgotten.
Legolas: (rolls his eyes) Why doesn�t that surprise me?
(They walk some more until Gandalf starts staring at this one section of the wall, muttering to himself, and then speaking aloud.)
Gandalf: Ithildin�..mirrors only starlight and moonlight�..
(Just then the moon comes out from behind some clouds and shines on the Ithildin and makes it all shiny and blue�..it shows the door, sitting there next to a creepy old crooked tree.)
Van: (giggles) It�s shiny.
Gandalf: (reading the inscription on the door) �Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak Friend and Enter.�
Merry: Well, what do you suppose that means?
Gandalf: It�s quite simple, really. All you have to do is speak the password and the doors will open.
(Gandalf starts muttering some weird spells at the door and nothing happens, so he tries another one. When that one doesn�t work he starts pushing on the doors, which will naturally will do no good because these doors open out, so he would have to pull on them. But we know that, he doesn�t. Maybe someone should put a sign on the doors that says �Pull me, you idiot. Don�t push.� After a few more tries everyone starts to settle down and wait while Gandalf continues with Frodo sitting nearby. Aragorn and Sam are getting ready to let Bill go.)
Aragorn: The mines are no place for a pony. Not even one so brave as Bill. Say goodbye Sam.
Sam: (rubbing Bill�s nose) Goodbye, Bill.
Stevie: We want to say goodbye to!
Harper: Yep.
Stevie: (patting Bill) Okay, Bill, you are the coolest pony anywhere and everywhere and I respect you and I love you very much. I�ll miss you and I hope to see you again. Goodbye.
Harper: (patting Bill) Aight, Bill. You are a really awesome pony and I want to thank you for being the only sane person on this stupid quest. Thanks for putting up with us, you are great. I love you and I�ll miss you�..goodbye.
Aragorn: Alright Bill, off you go.
(Aragorn gives Bill a nudge in the direction everyone just came from and Bill trots off. Aragorn sifts through the saddle bags, Sam just stares as he leaves, and Stevie and Harper walk back over toward the others.)
Van: Leggy, when do we get to do stuff?
Legolas: (cringes) What do you mean?
Van: We�re just sitting out here waiting for Gandalf to do stuff!
Legolas: Just have patience. We will be able to move on soon enough.
Van: (sighs) I hate old people!
Harper: Now, now, Van. I will not tolerate this ageism.
Van: This whaty-ism?
Harper: AGE-ism, Van. It�s discrimination against others because of their age, particularly the elderly.
Van: But you harass old people all the time!
Harper: Only Middle-earth people because their stupid, not because they are old. They just happen to be old. That just makes the harassment more convenient and simple.
Stevie: (puts her hands on her hips) That�s a load of crap.
Harper: Exactly! But you know I don�t have that big of a thing against old people.
Stevie: No, you have the same problem with them I do. We both agree that they smell funny.
Harper: (nods) Yep.
Stevie: Want to go talk to them?
Harper: Absolutely.
Stevie: Note that I said �talk to� not �harass�.
Harper: (sighs) Does that mean I have to be civil?
Stevie: You can be nice, it won�t hurt you.
Harper: Of course it won�t.
Stevie: I mean it! Be nice!
Harper: Yes, Ma�am.
(Stevie and Harper walk over to where Aragorn and Boromir are sitting. Stevie sits on the right, next to Aragorn, and Harper sits next to Boromir on the left.)
Stevie: (smiles) So, what are you two up to?
Aragorn: (shrugs) Oh, nothing. We were just discussing what we plan on doing after we leave of the mines.
Harper: And the general consensus would be what?
Boromir: We haven�t decided yet. We thought it best to consult with Gandalf on the matter, and the others, at a more convenient time.
Aragorn: (nods) Yes. So how are you two ladies fairing?
Stevie: We�re great, though we both think this place is a tad on the creepy side. Right, Harper?
Harper: (staring at the lake) Yes. I don�t like that lake.
Boromir: It is sort of strange, isn�t it?
Aragorn: I think so too. I really don�t think the hobbits should throw those rocks into the water.
Stevie: So let�s stop them.
Harper: Ooo! Ooo! Let me! (loudly) MERRY AND PIPPIN: IF YOU THROW ONE MORE OF THOSE ROCKS I SWEAR I WILL GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR HINEY!
Pippin: What did she just say?
Merry: I have no idea, but I don�t think we should throw the rocks.
Pippin: Good idea.
(The two hobbits drop their rocks and Harper gets this odd sort of an accomplished look on her face. Aragorn and Boromir both look at each other, look at the hobbits, look at Harper, then Stevie, then at each other again, and then they both shrug. Stevie laughs.)
Stevie: Very well said, my friend. When all else fails, open up a can of whooparse!
Harper: Why thank you.
Stevie: What is taking Gandalf so long?
Aragorn: He�s taking his time. We�re perfectly fine here. Don�t worry.
Harper: (groans) Well his time is taking too long.
Boromir: Can�t you wait patiently for anything?
Harper: Yeah, if it�s something I want to do.
Aragorn: You have something against going into the mines?
Stevie: I think that, save for Gimli, we all have a bad feeling about this. This place gives off some funky weird vibes, Ranger dude!
Harper: Harper concurs.
Stevie: Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?
Harper: Yes I did.
Boromir: (shakes his head) I will never understand you, woman.
Harper: (rests her head on his shoulder) That�s just peachy. You don�t need to understand me.
Boromir: (looking surprised and confused) What are you doing?
Harper: What do you think I�m doing? I�m using your shoulder as a headrest.
Boromir: Why?
Harper: Because every time I use Stevie she hits me and to use anyone else I�d have to get up, and right now I�m too tired.
Boromir: Oh. Alright.
Aragorn: What�s Frodo up to? I haven�t seen him move since we got here.
Stevie: Maybe he gets the riddle.
Frodo: Gandalf, what�s the elvish word for �friend�?
Gandalf: Mellon!
(The huge stone doors open in this overly creepy slow kinda way and everyone seems amazed. Meanwhile, the hobbits are once again throwing rocks in the lake. Aragorn yells at them and then they all walk inside. Gandalf does the weird light-upy thing with his staff. Everyone looks around.)
Gimli: Now master Elf, you shall be witness to the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves.
Kit: Eek! I don�t know if anyone else has looked around, but, um, everything looks sort of, well, not very alive.
Gimli: (gasps and walks around) No! Nooooooo!
Legolas: (bends over and pulls an arrow out of some dead guys skull) Goblins!
Boromir: This is no mine, it�s a tomb!
Harper: Thank you, Cap�n Crunch!
(Frodo is now being pulled backwards with a startled yell, by a giant tentacled thingy-whatever. Formerly known as the Watcher in the Water.)
Aragorn: Frodo!
Frodo: (hanging upside down and yelling) HELP ME!
(Aragorn and Boromir run out and start lopping off tentacles and stuff. Eventually Frodo falls, Boromir catches him, sets him down, they all start running for the caves, Legolas shoots the thing, it gets pissed, starts coming toward the doors, and the doors cave in and stuff blocking the entrance.)
Gandalf: We have no choice not but to face the long dark of Moria. It�s a four day journey to the other side.
(They begin following Gandalf through the mines. Everyone is looking very uncertain.)
Van: (puts a hand on Merry�s head) I have a bad feeling about this.
Kit: (biting her lip) And so the Buddyship goes on into the darkness of the Mines of Moria�..will the homies survive this? We better, or that damned sprite lady is gonna die!
