Chapter Twenty Five: A Crapload of Really Ugly Bad Dudes
(Here we are back at the scenic Helm�s Deep where it is starting to get dark and the final preparations are being made. It is here that we see Stevie running back and forth like a chicken with her head cut off. It might appear that she�s running last minute errands, but the fact that Haldir just picked her up and flung her over his shoulder to carry her down some stairs tells us otherwise.)
Stevie: What ever happened to being a gentle�..elf�..yeah�..?
Haldir: The fact that I needed to tell you something that I didn�t think the others should overhear.
Stevie: And this would be what?
Haldir: I ran into Harper while on patrol a few days back before we left Lorien. She was heading upstream with a wounded Man of Gondor in her boat.
Stevie: Yep.
Haldir: You know?
Stevie: Sure. Well, I know she went upstream with Boromir. She mentioned something about you being a jerk or something.
Haldir: So that�s what I get for trying to help? I�m a jerk? I offered her refuge in the Golden Wood. She refused me.
Stevie: Well, duh, man. (groans) Man, your shoulder is extra lumpy with all this armor crap on. Where are you taking me?
Haldir: To the entrance of the caves. Aragorn asked me to fetch you. He said he did grab your things for you and that he would meet us there.
Stevie: Great. Time for dramatic goodbyes. He�s going to get himself killed. Do me a favor will you?
Haldir: Name it.
Stevie: If you suddenly realize that you�re surrounded by a crapload of really ugly bad dudes, don�t just stand there with a stoned expression on your face. Stoned expressions do not kill bad things. Got it?
Haldir: I don�t understand why you are telling me this, but alright.
Stevie: Just to make sure, repeat after me: Stoned expressions do not kill bad things.
Haldir: Stoned expressions do not kill bad things.
Stevie: One more time.
Haldir: Damn you girl.
Stevie: Say it buttmonkey!
Haldir: (rolls his eyes) Stoned expressions do not kill bad things! Are you happy now?
Stevie: (smirks) Yes.
(They go down one more small flight of steps over to the entrance to the caves where we can see Aragorn is waiting. He has with him Stevie�s bag and her sword. Haldir sets her down and she gives him a hug right after making him say the line �stoned expressions do not kill bad things� one last time. She then walks over to Aragorn who hands her the bag, and then her sword.)
Aragorn: I hope you will not need this, my love. If you do, use it wisely.
Stevie: Of course.
Aragorn: I heard tell that there is a path out through the back of the mountain from these caves, though no one I talked to seemed to know exactly where it is. If you can, I would like you to search for it carefully. You may need to use it.
Stevie: That should be fun. I don�t like caves you know. (pokes him in the chest) Now as for you, mister kinglypants, I want you back in one piece, got it? Alive?
Aragorn: (smirks) I shall try. (grabs the finger she poked him with and kisses it) Now you remember our promise?
Stevie: (nods) I remember.
Aragorn: And you won�t run off and try to save the day?
Stevie: Woah! Saving the day is your deal. I just go out and have fun.
Aragorn: (tone changes to one of seriousness) Stephanie.
Stevie: I know and I promise on and by our love. Stay in the caves. Fight if absolutely necessary. Lead the people to safety.
Aragorn: (smiles) I love you.
Stevie: (smirks) I know. I mean, come on, I�m me. Who doesn�t?
(Meanwhile, over at the Gladden River, Harper and Boromir are hanging out. They are sitting on the banks of the river talking.)
Harper: This is ridiculous!
Boromir: It�s only ridiculous because you�re not ready to talk about all of this yet. We�ve already decided that we wish to spend the rest of your days together. Why not talk about what our wedding should be like? I for one am bored out of my mind and need to talk about something!
Harper: Fine. If you insist upon talking about it, than what do you want it to be like?
Boromir: (thinks for a moment) It would be�..small and quiet. Just family and close friends. Only if that meet your approval, of course.
Harper: (smiles) That�s fine with me. I don�t like big things like that.
Boromir: What time of year?
Harper: Hmm�..It�d have to be mid-spring.
Boromir: Spring? Why spring?
Harper: (smirks) For two reasons. One, so that it�d probably rain and if it were outside we could drown all our guests.
Boromir: You have a sick and twisted sense of humor.
Harper: And you don�t?
Boromir: Good point. Reason two?
Harper: Daisies.
Boromir: (raises an eyebrow) Daisies? You want the flowers to be daisies?
Harper: Yes.
Boromir: You want daisies? Out of all the flowers in all Middle-earth and you want your flowers to be daisies.
Harper: (frowns) You don�t approve?
Boromir: I approve, love. I�m surprised and I shouldn�t be.
Harper: Oh, good. It�s just that I really like daisies. They�re simple and pretty and they�re everywhere. So what else is there?
Boromir: All sorts of things. Boring things that I want no part, of such as what we�d wear and the like.
Harper: (cringes) Icky. Fine, than what about after we�re wed?
Boromir: Well, I sort of always have wanted to be a father.
Harper: Than a father you shall be. And how many children would we have?
Boromir: (smirks) I was sort of hoping for a wagonload of children.
Harper: (winces) A relatively small wagon, I�m hoping?
Boromir: (smiles and takes her hand) As many as you would willingly give me.
Harper: (smiles and pokes him) If I didn�t love you so much and you weren�t such a sweetheart there would so totally be no way.
(Meanwhile, back at Helm�s Deep, Stevie is bored out of her mind and Eowyn is moping. So what else is new? Nothing other than the fact that they�re in a cave with a bunch of old people, some women, and a bunch of kids.)
Eowyn: This is not fair! I should be allowed to fight! I am able to fight; I am no haggard old woman.
Stevie: That�s not the point, so shut up.
Eowyn: How can you be alright with this? Will you allow yourself to be ordered about by men? By Aragorn?
Stevie: I am alright with this because I know that Aragorn is right on this one. It isn�t as though I even wanted to truly fight to begin with. I hate all the bloodshed. The only reason I did what I did before was to get what I wanted.
Eowyn: Which was what?
Stevie: Have some of the young boys spared from tonight�s massacre.
Eowyn: I am not talking to you anymore.
Stevie: Score! But hey, at least she�s not as bad as Arwen!
(Out side of the caves and up on the walls, the archers have already fired their arrows, taking down many enemies in the process. Our friends up on the walls are now fighting off the Uruks that are coming up the walls on ladders.)
Aragorn: I really hate these Uruks!
(Aragorn is killing Uruks right and left while talking to our favorite Marchwarden.)
Haldir: So does everyone else around here. Shut up and kill them!
Aragorn: You�ve been spending too much time around Stevie. You are starting to sound just like her.
(There�s some slicing and dicing. Haldir moves out of the way of a charging Uruk and lops of it�s head.)
Haldir: Well I must say that you�re not exactly the Ranger I remember coming to Lorien those years ago proclaiming your undying love for Arwen.
Aragorn: Well then thank the Valar for giving me the sense to see what a pain in the bum that filthy Arwen is!
Haldir: Should I tell her you said that?
Aragorn: Go ahead. (laughs) That is, if you can get her to stop screwing Figwit long enough to tell her anything at all. I care not!
(Aragorn chops down another Uruk to see Haldir standing there with a disgusted look on his face. Aragorn bursts out laughing again.)
Haldir: She�s sleeping with Figwit? Oh Valar that�s disgusting.
Aragorn: Oh, so you have met him?
Haldir: Once. He was the horniest and most egotistical Elf I have ever met in all my many long years. That is thoroughly nauseating.
Aragorn: Well, at least you didn�t have to listen to it in the middle of the night.
Haldir: Oh Eru, Aragorn. I didn�t need to know that.
Aragorn: But, it did give Erestor a reason to complain to Elrond. It was rather amusing when Elrond found out what Arwen was doing.
Haldir: I wish I could have seen that.
Aragorn: If we live this, we might just see it again some day.
Haldir: Oh, that gives me something else to look forward to!
(Back at the Gladden River, Harper is slamming her head against a wall and Boromir is watching her in utter confusion.)
Harper: I hate it! (slams head into wall) I hate it! (slams head into wall) I really freaking hate it! (slams head into wall) Arrrgg!
Boromir: Mind telling me what you hate so fervently that would cause yourself such bodily pain?
Harper: Feel like a Mary Sue! (slams head into wall) Damn the Mary Sues. (slams head against wall) I�m doomed!
Boromir: A Mary Sue? Haven�t you spoken of these Mary Sues before?
Harper: (still slamming head against a wall) Yep.
Boromir: Mind explaining these Mary Sues to me?
Harper: (stops slamming head) They�re girls who end up in another world, just like we did here, and they can do all this cool stuff, they just don�t seem to ever die, and they instantly fall in love with some really awesome guy that she�s not supposed to fall in love with, sometimes vice versa.
Boromir: Oh. I see. So it would be like how Aragorn and Stevie fell in love but Aragorn is supposed to be in love with Arwen still?
Harper: Exactly.
Boromir: Or like you and me.
Harper: (sighs) Yeah.
Boromir: Hey! We didn�t fall in love instantly. We hated each other, remember?
Harper: How could I forget? We argued over everything.
Boromir: So does that mean you aren�t one of these Mary Sues?
Harper: I don�t think so. We still fell in love, I�m still not dead, I rescued you from certain doom, and now we�re out here in the middle of nowhere planning out the rest of our future because we�re bored to tears!
Boromir: Well, even so�..You could never be a Mary Sue because you�re Harper and I think you would have killed yourself before you ended up being a Harper Sue. Besides, you�re not one because I said so.
Harper: And Cap�n Crunch has spoken! Well, hey, I know one thing for sure.
Boromir: What�s that?
Harper: No matter what happens while we�re stuck here, I�ll never be as big of a Mary Sue as Stevie is.
Boromir: (laughs) Maybe I should tell her you said that.
Harper: Doesn�t sound like a bad idea. It�s been a while since I�ve gotten the lousy crap beaten out of me.
Boromir: And you�re definitely too strange to be one of these Mary Sues.
(Back at the caves in Helms Deep, we are probably not that surprised to find that Stevie is talking to some random and severely old dude who has no idea where he is or what is going on.)
Stevie: You know, I just feel like such a Mary Sue sometimes it isn�t fair. You know?
(The old dude just stares at her, seeming passively confused and all together zoned out. Doesn�t it also surprise us to find out that Stevie is talking about the same thing Harper was but moments ago? Sure it does!)
Stevie: And it wasn�t that bad until I seriously started falling in love with Mr. Kinglypants that I began to realize it, but it wasn�t too bad because Harper was around and she and Boromir were starting to realize how they felt.
Old Dude: (mumbling incoherently) Hrrmmm�..pumpkin�..grrrppp�..tree�..
Stevie: But then after Amon Hen and we all broke up and I ended up going off with the Masters of the Obvious into Rohan and I was all by myself that I began to realize how bad it was getting and now I feel like such a loser and I don�t know what I should do! What do you think I should do, G-pops?
Old Dude: (still mumbling incoherently) Rmmmmm�..moosh�..hokey pokey�..grrrrpppp�..
Stevie: Do the Hokey Pokey? What�s that doing to fix? You�re a crazy old dude, G-pops. I think I�m just going to forget the whole stupid thing. I�ve got my dirty ranger man and I intend on loving him to the end of my days.
Old Dude: (incoherent mumbling) Herrrrrbbbiiieeee�..tinky winky�..mmmmm�..squish�..
Stevie: Words cannot express how badly you need psychiatric help! I�m leaving because you�re weird.
Old Dude: (mumbling incoherently) Shhhhhwerp�..disco monkeys�..hrrrrppp�..
Stevie: (walks away from old guy and suddenly hears noises) Holy crap what is that?
(There is a loud crashing noise and thunderous booming can be heard from outside the caves. The women and children begin to stir fearfully and Eowyn rushes over to Stevie.)
Eowyn: I fear that the enemy has broken through the wall. What are we to do?
Stevie: I don�t think they�re going to get in here, but we should be prepared. Remember where the door is out of here into the mountains?
Eowyn: Yes, we found it before.
Stevie: Good. I�m going over near the entrance to the caves. If they start to break through, I�ll give you warning and you get everyone out of here, got me?
Eowyn: You�re going to stay behind?
Stevie: Only long enough to make sure we get everyone out of here. Don�t start up with that �I want to Fight� crap or I�ll get Medieval on your arse.
Eowyn: I know. I have a job to do. I will lead these people out of here alive.
Stevie: Good. Go and get ready. I�m heading for the entrance.
(Now, after a long while, we are back out on the walls of Helm�s Deep where quite a bit is going on. Actually, all of the good guys are running inside to the safety of the keep, and the Uruks are running inside the main wall. So much for Theoden�s overconfidence.)
Theoden: We have lost!
Aragorn: We have not lost as long as we still continue to fight. These men are risking their lives to protect your people, and you. They�ve died to do so. Do not give up hope when we�ve just lost so much fighting for it.
Theoden: What would I do then?
(Aragorn looks to the window and notes that there is light coming through it. The sun is rising. He remembered what Gandalf had told him about sunrise on the fifth day.)
Aragorn: We ride out.
Theoden: Ride out?
Aragorn: Yes. Ride out and meet our enemy. If we shall die than we shall do it defending ourselves.
Theoden: Then get me my horse!
(Theoden and Aragorn and all the other guys get on their horses and ride out of the keep, slaughtering their foes as they go. They make it as far as to be in the midst of the hoard of Uruks when they notice a strange figure standing atop the ridge. With the dawn coming from behind him, we see it is none other than Gandalf the White, returned as he promised.)
Aragorn: He has come!
(Gandalf charges down the ridge, with the Riders of Rohan behind him. They run down the hoard, and in but a few moments of fighting, what is left of the enemy is running out of Helm�s Deep and into Fangorn Forest where some other very angry Ents wait to destroy them.)
Gandalf: I told you, didn�t I?
Aragorn: We would have been doomed without you!
Gandalf: Well, you seemed to be doing fairly well. How does everyone fair?
Aragorn: I haven�t checked on Stevie yet, she is in the caves with the women and children, as well as Eowyn. I sent Haldir to fetch her for me.
(Legolas and Gimli walk up to Aragorn and Gandalf. Gimli as a smug look on his face and Legolas seems more than a little dismayed.)
Legolas: I lost.
Gimli: Yes, yes you did.
Aragorn: Not another contest!
Gimli: Yes, another contest. Who could kill the must Uruks. I had 41. The Elf here only had 40. I win.
Gandalf: I shall never cease to be amazed by you two. Look, here comes Haldir now, I believe.
(Haldir is walking up to the group of reunited friends, hand in hand with a very rambunctious looking Stevie. They are talking.)
Haldir: I promised you I�d be careful, didn�t I?
Stevie: You did. I guess my little saying worked, hmm?
Haldir: I suppose so, seeing as I am all in one piece. �Stoned expressions do not kill bad things� is something I shall carry with me all the days of my life.
Stevie: (pokes him) Oh, good. Glad to know I made some sort of a dent in that thick skull of yours.
Haldir: (pokes her back) I do not have a thick skull.
Stevie: (pokes him) You do so.
Haldir: (pokes her) I do not. There�s Aragorn. (gives her a little shove) Go bother him.
Stevie: Okay!
(Stevie runs up to Aragorn and rumps on him. He catches her, twirls her around once, and then sets her gently down on the ground.)
Aragorn: I�m glad to see you�re alright.
Stevie: I�m glad to see you�re still in one piece. Is everyone okay?
Aragorn: Aside from the fact that I think Legolas�s pride is slightly hurt at losing his Uruk-killing contest to Gimli, everyone is fine.
Stevie: Oh, well that�s good. I�m hungry!
Gandalf: I swear that you are part Hobbit. Time of crisis just ends leaving way for another to begin and you are hungry. Never ceases to amaze me.
Stevie: Gandalf! You are the greatest old guy ever! Give me a hug!
(Stevie randomly runs over and hugs Gandalf who seems slightly disturbed. Gandalf then realizes what she�s up to.)
Gandalf: Never suck up to a wizard, Stevie. I�ll turn you into a toad.
