It has been a while since you have left us and I know that a piece of my heart is still missing. I cant't seem to let go of the fact that you are truely gone. I think of you all the time. I wonder how you are doing, where you are, if you are mad at me for the life I have given you.
I cannot say that I am sorry about the time that you spent on earth. It was the greatest time I have ever known. You were the perfect child and I cannot help but to feel that I am the reason that you are gone.
I play back the day of your accident over and over in my mind. What if I had been a little faster, if we had found you only a minute sooner, how would it have changed your life? Would you have been o.k.? When you came around that day would you have stayed with us? What can I do to make it up to you? I know that I can never make it up to you or myself. This is one thing in life that I can never change. Your passing is the one thing I thought would make life better. You would finnally be at peace and our lives could begin to heal. I have come to realize that nothing will ever be the same......
I look for you all the time, in the sky, in your room, always hoping for a sign that you are alright. I pray for a sign. Why have I never gotten one? Are you mad about the way you died? What could I have done to make you more at peace? I know what I have done has damaged me forever. My heart will never be the same again.
I miss so many things about you. I miss your smile, your laugh, the way you always looked at me knowing that I would always be there when you needed me, I am sorry that I was not. I even miss your smell. I didn't think I would ever say this, but I want you back and it is to late for that. Do you think this is selfish of me?
The choices I made are forever. I don't know if those were the choices you wanted or choices I forced on you. I just want you to know why I chose to do what I did. Your life was very important to me, We loved you so much and knew you would have so much potential. YOU WERE PERFECT. When you drown I lost a piece of my soul. I did not know how a God could be so cruel, so there was no longer a God. After the accident you would have died many times, but we chose not to let you go. Not thinking of why you were not doing very well, we just wanted you here. We could not imagine you gone. When your lung collapsed you seemed to want to be freed from the chains that were binding you to this life. So we decided to let you go. It is easy to say that we did the right thing. We tried for three years to make you better. We always loved you. We always thought of your best interest in the decisions we made for you. I know that I could not love you any more or any less. You will always be in my heart and I will always love you. This will never change. I just wanted you to know how much I miss you and how much I love you.
I LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER,
Daddy
August 2, 1994 - the birth of joy happiness and love
March 16, 1996 - the day my life changed for ever
July 21,1998 - the day of my greatest sorrow
sound track "Casper"