Morbid Abstractions

Welcome to "Morbid Abstractions", a place named so simply because it sounded good at the time. Herein, you'll find a few wallpapers and possibliy some of my writing, should I ever find the motivation to post anything. Until such a time, however, this little webpage, such as it is, will more or less remain a simple blog, with access to my artwork. Fair warning...I've a tendency to ramble. Speaking of me, you can get to my bio page by clicking on the picture to your immediate left. It has contact info and all of that other frivilous BS that really isn't necessary. ~Nachtkreuz

Date: Good fucking question...May 8th, I think
Name: Nachtkreuz
Subject: Just like the old days...

Abrexxa kicked ass. If you weren't there, you missed out. So, our entourage went to the Wizard, to watch the band. It was great. Well, after they played we were going to party at my house. I, however, decided to stay and see the next band play. They were pretty good too. I was going to stay and watch the main band, but I got kind of side-tracked. I was supposed to be on my way back to the party that went on in my house, but I didn't quite make it back, until around 3am. There was this chic at the Wizard, and Robert said I wouldn't talk to her. Ended up having about a two and a half hour conversation and leaving with her. No, I didn't do anything. Went to a keg party...when I was supposed to be here. I was going to come back and hang out with Danielle, but after I got Sarah and I drunk, I kind of forgot. So, I get distracted kind of easily. My first thought was to hook up with her, but there was something off about her. That and I kept thinking about someone else. >.<; Damn it. It does, however, mark the first time I've approached someone based entirely on physical appearance. I am a guy, after all. I just couldn't help but get lost. *shrug* So, I get back, eventually. Kind of feel bad about not making it back. Seems like a couple people aren't too happy about that, either. ~_~; Tried to call and apologize, but someone is working. Heh. Ah well. All I know is that it has been a few years since so many people stayed here. Kind of felt like old times. 'Twas a pretty good night, actually. Heiwa.

Date: Monday, May 9th, 2005; circa 5:00 PM EST
Name: Delacroix
Subject: "Let me help you tie the rope around your neck. Let me help to talk you the wrong way off the ledge. Let me help you hold the glock against your head..."

In lieu of many a thought, which has crossed my mind, I've come to the realization that no matter how often I tell myself otherwise, this garbage I constantly deal with, isn't going to change. I keep thinking that if I keep being there for people they'll eventually become a real friend, or in someone else's case, something more. Such delusional reveling. I'm tired of drama, pseudo-friendships, and all that entails such things. I'm weary of hearing arguing, people like David, ditching out on us for his baby girl, (Heh, and I mean that in the most derogatory way possible.) cleaning up after fucking children, having my shit stolen and wrecked, and above all of that being so close to something I'm obviously never going to have. Who the fuck ever said that patience was a virtue? Probably the same faggot that said the best things in life are worth fighting for. Well, I hope that said faggot is burning in hell, and when I say hell, I don't mean eternal fire. Oh, no. That would be too goddamned convenient. I'm thinking more along the lines of Greek mythology. You know, like, lost in a desert, doomed to walk endlessly until the searing sands tear away his flesh. Yeah, that seems much more fitting. Now, the first thing Robert is going to think is that I need a break. Wrong. I had one. Enjoyed myself quite a bit more than I would have here, to be honest. Sure, I didn't get to hang out with Danielle, like I kind of wanted to do, and Iwasn't gone long, but I did have an intelligent conversation, without someone calling or coming in and whining about some he said, she said bullshit that doesn't concern me. Secondly, someone is going to think I'm upset, depressed, angry or what-have-you. This, too, is quite far from true. I feel rather content, right now. To be more precise, I have finally decided to open myself up to the world. If David isn't going to be my friend, fuck him. I'll find a better one. If I can't be closer to that, which I care about, I'll just find something else. If I grow to hate my job, I'll get another one. If I can't find happiness, I will embrace sadness. Making sense yet? If not, allow me break it down. That, which I currently have is not all that is out there for me. I'm tired of waiting on things, weary of wishing, exhausted by my attempts to make what is presently available to me suffice. In other words, I've opened my "prison", and much to my suprise, I found my ambition. I have regained the desire to become who and what I wish to be, to obtain the things that are important to me, to venture out of my hole and see what is really out there. There will be many a change, and if someone doesn't like it, they'll have to get over it or fuck off. I've lately made a habit of sugar-coating things and trying not to offend people. I detest such round-about methods. Hope you haven't gotten too used to it. Heh.

"Dark for fear of failure, an inner gloom as wide as an eye and fermenting, roiling hate.
Death's grip in my veins, unveiling rancid petals, and flowering forth foul nectar.
The space between a blink and a tear and
...death blooms."

Date: Tuesday, May 10th, 2005; circa 6:00 PM EST.
Name: Tenshi no Kanashimi
Subject: "Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic, I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been. It's your right and your ability to become my perfect enemy. Wake up and face me. Don't play dead 'cause maybe someday I will walk away and say you fuckin' disappoint me. Maybe you're better off this way."

Reveling within the confines of delusion;
Emotions undesired, roiling inside.
Surrounded by decadent and decrepit walls,
Un inevitable, imbuing affliction.
Rotting away in the ambience of chaotic melodies,
Resisting the essence of nothingness.
Enticed by that, which is hated.
Cascading down a spiral of elevated concupiscence..
Torn between confinement and freedom.
Marred by progression.
Escaping the bounds of escapism.

It's a poem, but it isn't poetry, per se. Sure, it appears to have some form, prose or what-have-you, but I don't care too much for being poetic. Rather, consider it a series of metaphorical statements. Each of those lines has a meaning beyond its written form. Therein, at least one word from many of the lines has been twisted and used in a manner, which is correct and yet is not. Those, which aren't complaisant with the aforementioned are merely puns, whose meanings may or may not represent the actual entity mentioned. All apply to myself, and yet none of them do. In fact, each of them has been applied to each and every person I frequently converse with, specifically one. Now, someone is going to be clever and notice that each line begins with a specific letter and spells out "Resurrect me." Yes it does. It was intentional, but has no appositeness or pertinence, whatsoever. So, what does it all mean? Now, why would I tell you that? If you want to know, you'll have to figure it out, for yourself. If anyone tries, please let me know. It isn't too difficult, and you'll obtain knowledge far more important than any other -- Knowledge of the self.

"He who masters the written word is a master of many a thing, contrary."

Date: Wednesday, May 25th, 2005; circa 11:00 PM EST
Name: I still want my fucking glasses back. >.<;
Subject: "Feeling unknown and you're all alone. Flesh and bone, by the telephone. Lift up the reciever. I'll make you a believer. Take second best. Put me to the test. Things on your chest, you need to confess. I'll deliever. You know I'm a forgiver. Reach out and touch faith. Your own personal Jesus."

I'm not sure how, but it's already nearing the end of Wednesday. Okay, for the technical, I do know how it happened. I'm just saying the week is going by too damned fast. Today kind of sucked. I went to work, came home and pretty much slept all of it away. Aside from what I'm doing now, drinking some Crown Royal and calling Kat, I have worked and slept the whole day away. I realize now, I should've gone to the park, but no, I had to take a nap. Anyway, if I don't find my nail file and clippers, I will destroy the world. I'm serious, too. That's right, and I'm going to say the world has until Friday to meet my demands. Yep. That's just how it has to be. Sorry. So, now, I get to spend the rest of my night doing my laundry and taking a shower. How fun. I hate responsibility. Anyway, I made some wallpaper, which I will upload whenever I get some time. I didn't put a whole lot of effort into it, but it still looks pretty cool. Oh, and in response to Vega's comment on my guestbook (At least someone signs it.) yeah, she does wear the hat. I would hope so, since I gave it to her. So, guess who I'm on the phone with. Yeah, no one can answer that, but it's just something to say. It's Rod, himself. For those who don't know, Rod is this NAZI guy I talk to. He's a chauvinistic, self-serving, vainglorious moron that I met, through my ex-fiance. So, yeah, he's completely opposite of the people I hang around with. In fact, he's a representation of everything that I despise. Strangely enough, I accepted him for who he is. I don't know why, but I did. I would hang out with him more often, but he can't keep his German antics to himself, so I can't take him out in public. Ah well. I guess I'll make a day to chill with him and get my fucking platform boots from his house. *shrug* Anyway, I guess I'm done. Heiwa.

Date: Friday, May 25th, 2005; circa 5:00 PM EST
Name: Nachtkreuz
Subject: Wow, people really have some shitty tastes...

So, yeah, I've been aware of the fact that people have put various garbage on my computer, for a while now. This I have no problems with. On the other hand, I do have a problem with people who don't know shit about music, putting music on my computer. What brought such a statement about? Let's try, I'm scrolling through my music, and see Stone Temple Pilots. Okay, I haven't listened to them in a while. Wonder what songs I have on here..."Magic Carpet Ride" and "Born to be Wild". All right. I like 80's music as much as the next guy, but who the fuck thought STP wrote those songs? I want to know, so I can personally beat them with the heaviest blunt object I can find. It's Steppenwolf, you dumb son of a bitch(es). Fucking Christ. Shouldn't you people be listening to terrible rap music or something, rather than tainting the good names of the bands that created rock music as we know it? *sigh* Anyway, it has come to my attention that Kat has apparently "ruined my style", or my idiom/reputation/persona or what-have-you. Why's this? Because ?I smiled. Oh yes, let that destroy the reputation that I don't have. So, I apparently don't smile. Well, no one sees it, and that my friends is because...The only time most of you see me is when my house is full of a shitload of people. What this essentially means is that I'm not in a good mood, so why would I smile? Good question, ne? Ahem...Anyway, again...If I don't get to hang out with Kat, before she leaves, you people won't get to see me rocking the pink, bad kitty t-shirt, when I have Danielle's graduation party here. >.>; Yeah, it'll be here. 'Twas supposed to be at her house, but I never believed that. Why trash your own house when mine is always available, because I obviously don't know how to fucking say the word no. Oh, I can type it all too well. No. No. No. NO. See, I'm getting good at it? By the way, I'm not really ill or anything. In fact, I'm in a lovely mood. I'm just having one of those pleasant sarcastic days. By that I mean, it's pleasant for me. XD Mwahahaha. So, I still haven't uploaded the new wallpaper I made. I'll do that eventually. Now, back to the party matter at hand. If Troy shows up, I wouldn't be surprised to see him get pissed off, because I don't like him. I'm sure he knows this by now, and I personally don't care what "Trevor" thinks. I won't hide that, because I don't care to. So, we have no problems unless he acts like a chauvinistic prick. Then he's either leaving or leaving. Such wondrous choices, don't you think? He can fondle my balls, since he's such an expert at fondling things. Maybe he can tell me if they're more than a handful. Heh. I swear, people are attracted to the worst people imaginable, and they simply walk over the good ones. *shrug* It can't be helped, I suppose. And whose fucking watch keeps beeping and making all kind of fucking noise? It's driving me fucking crazy. >.<; Chikushou!

Date: Tuesday, May 31st, 2005; circa 6:30 PM EST
Name: Nachtkreuz
Subject: Willkommen im mein Welt.

For those of you who either don't know Deutsch (German), refuse to learn a second language because it's "stupid", or are too close-minded for your own good and think that everyone should speak English, the subject translates to "Welcome to my world." Unlike most of my rantings, the subject line actually holds a bit of relevence. Essentially, when I say welcome to my world, I mean welcome to the way things are going to work from here on in. Some of you probably heard me say that I'm not hosting anymore parties and thought "He always says that. We'll just chill next weekend." All I have to say is stop deluding yourselves. Yes, I have said such a thing before, but I mean it, this time. I am totally fucking sick of all the bullshit that gets brought into my home. I have been nice. I have been patient. I have gone beyond hospitality. I'm done. Don't ask. Don't even let the thought cross your mind. Forget that this place even exists, if that's what it takes. Thanks to you people, my entire weekend and vacation sucked beyond words. Let's start with Friday. All I wanted to do was hang out with Kat and get some fucking French Toast. Apparently, that was too much to ask for. I won't digress the events of what happened, but I will say that I'm not even slightly happy with most of the people I consider "friends". Let's not jump to conclusions, since you people are so fucking good at it. I am not mad at anyone. Of course, someone will read this and almost immediately ask me why I'm mad at them. That's part of the fucking problem. People don't listen, unless it's someone saying something about them or it'll break up someone else's relationship. Whilst I'm on the subject, when and if I happen to hook up with someone I actually care about, the first person who even attempts to fuck that up for me will be sorry. I'm not joking, and I'm not making idle threats. But I digress...the only parties that are going to be held here are mine. No uninvited guests, no drama. I don't care if the Goddess Herself comes down and starts talking shit, She can leave. You people have phones. Pick one up and call me. Ten to one says I'll say they can come with you. That's all it takes. Common fucking courtesy. Is that too much to ask for? I'm sick of this garbage. You people need to grow the fuck up, shut the fuck up and get a fucking life.

Date: Sunday, June 12, 2005
Name: Nachtkreuz
Subject: "The more I feel, the more I die. Nothing to give. Nothing inside. Everything I touch I break. I want to break you..."

So, I took a walk earlier. I felt a lot better. At least until it started pouring rain on me. A rain, which might I add, conveniently stopped as soon as I got back home. Doesn't that figure? Now, I'm sitting here, listening to Stabbing Westward and talking to Jigga, whom has the audacity to tell me that everything is going to be cool. And as I replied to him, I shall reply here. "I fucking doubt it, man, but whatever." Six out of six tries, I have failed, and out of six tries the girl, which I have placed on the highest of pedestals, and myself have ended as friends...if we even made it beyond that stage, in the first place. I don't understand. I can't do anything more than I have done, in the past. Anyway, for those of you who felt it was necessary to kill me with your senseless prattling and questions about why I'm upset, I will enlighten you. First off, it's none of your fucking concern. Of course, I'm wise enough to know that that doesn't work, so if it'll make you happy -- I absolutely detest being single. I loathe that despairing emptiness that most of you are familiar with. It literally makes me sick when I think about it. All I want is to have someone who actually gives enough of a shit to return my compassion. ?Is that too much to ask? Yes, apparently so. Now, when I say that I don't mean literally. What I mean, is these people...those whom have trampled my hopes need to stop and think about it. If I give something. It should be returned. I'm talking about taking risks, making sacrifices, and not running away. It isn't easy for me to even approach someone. I take a risk everytime I step out of my prison and open my mouth. I force myself not to run away when everything turns to shit. I sacrifice my emotional well-being to make everyone else around me as happy as I possibly can, and where has that gotten me? Nowhere. The same fucking place I have been in. The same fucking place that makes me writhe with affliction. So, if you haven't gotten the fucking point, I'll break it down for you. I had the intentions of asking Kat out yesterday, at Carla's bonfire. Everything seemed to be going well. I thought that just maybe it wouldn't be the same as every other time. Well, I was fucking wrong. So, about an hour before I go up there, she calls me. Apparently, she isn't ready to be more than friends. Now, this bothers me, because she has no problem holding my hand or even kissing me. Carla warned me to back off. I should've listened to her, but I took a risk. See, there's that word again. To clear things up, I'm not upset at anyone. Of course, Kat did piss me off pretty bad, having the nerve to tell me I was depressing. Of course, I'm not going to be happy about it. Who would be? Well, it didnt seem to bother her too much. Basically, since everything I touch turns to shit, I have a resolution...If I can't be close to the people I want to be close to, I don't want to be close to anyone. Don't touch me. Don't hug me. Don't even come within my personal space. I'm not giving you "dap". I'm not showing you love. Take it as you will. Heiwa.