Bar Room Brawl: Vulcan Raven vs. Nakedman
…Nakedman gets a shoulder up.
(How anti-climatic)
Dale: Oh my! How did Nakedman do it?! What resilience and
riposte by the nude performer!
Chip: Bah!
Dale: Vulcan Raven is determined to wrap this one up as soon as
possible. He is still holding down on Nakedman… he has a knee on him. He’s
reaching his left arm up to get something off of the shelf, anything to help
him get the win.
Vulcan Raven can’t see what he grabs onto, he just grabs something. He looks at it and notices that it is a bottle of aspirin.
Vulc
– Ahh, what the heck.
Dale: Oh my! Vulcan Raven is bashing that aspirin bottle against
Nakedman’s head! I think he’s done enough damage to that head already.
Chip: You wanna know something funny Jim. Vulcan Raven is
actually beating someone on the head with some aspirin. Haha- that’s the type
of aspirin that gives you headaches instead of taking them away!
Dale: Yes Chip, very ironic. Nakedman seems out of it again. And
Vulc covers again… here comes the count… 1… 2… Oh, so close with another two
count, and Vulc is looking at the ref, he thinks he may have gotten that one.
Chip: He did I tell you- it was stolen away from him!
Vulc
– Okay, that’s it… you stay right there naked guy.
Vulc kicks Nakedman for good measure, its not really
necessary- he’s not going anywhere. Vulc scours down the isle looking for
something.
Vulc – Hey! Hey… does anyone here know where some Glue
is? Come on- you’ve got to have some Elmer’s Glue, or at least some rubber
cement or something.
Grimm suddenly walks out of the back, he is zipping his pants up. And hears Vulc.
Grimm: Yeah, it’s in the next isle, with the confections.
He goes down and takes a seat.
Chip: Grimm… are you sure you just went to the bathroom? That
was a pretty long time ago.
Grimm: Of course I did,
what- would I lie to you all?
Chip: No, it’s just that you… uh… oh forget it.
Dale: Vulcan Raven is coming back with some of that glue… what
is he going to try to do?
Chip: Hey that rhymed… you sound like Dr. Seuss.
Dale: Wait… is he trying to glue Nakedman’s shoulders to the floor? Is that allowed?
Grimm: Sure, anything in the store can be used.
Dale: Vulc is rubbing that glue over Nakedman’s naked shoulders.
I don’t personally think it’s going to work.
Chip: You never know until you try something.
Dale: Vulc is on him again, he is going for the cover!
Chip: Here it comes- onetwothree- its over!
Dale: He hasn’t even pinned him yet.
Chip: Oh, sorry.
1… 2… Thr…
Dale: And Nakedman gets a shoulder up yet again! I told you the glue just wouldn’t work.
(shouting over) Vulc – Hey… hey Grimm! Are there any nails in this place? Or a
Staple Gun?
(shouting back) Grimm: This is Convenience Store Mayhem… Not Home Depot
Mayhem, live with it!
Vulc – Damn.
Dale: Nakedman is grabbing onto that bottle of glue. Vulc wasn’t paying attention- he grabs it and smears some glue on the face of Vulcan Raven.
Chip: Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s not that bad… I used to eat glue as a child. Glue, Play-Doh and dirt make a pretty good meal for a 7 year old.
Dale: Well other then glue in the mouth, Vulc also has glue in the eyes… he may not be able to see what he is doing. Its buying Nakedman time to escape. Vulc seems to have wiped most of it away now… yet Naked accomplished his task and got away.
Grimm: So did I miss anything when I was gone?
Chip: Naa, nothing of any…
Grimm: Whoa, what the
hell happened to that shelf over there?
Dale: Nakedman has run over to the newspapers… he grabs a Washington
Post… OH MY! Sunday Addition- those things are thick… he rolls it up and
slugs Vulcan Raven in the face with it!
WHAP!
Dale: Now Nakedman goes forward with a shoulder breaker… Vulc is
trying to counter back but Nakedman has got what it takes. He goes forward with
a bear hug… he’s lifting him up though; Nakedman is going to turn it into a
German SUPLEX!
Chip: Why does Nakedman always have to capitalize SUPLEX when he writes, huh? Geez… there it goes again.
Dale: Nakedman with amazing strength to get the SUPLEX up. He
has taken control in this match once again. He picks Vulcan Raven up again,
he’s throwing a punch… sidestep by the Ultimate Champ, Vulcan Raven kicks
forward with his right foot. Nakedman gets it in the belly. He’s not giving up
though, he grabs onto Vulc’s arm and pulls him towards him, Vulc is trying to
power out as Nakedman climbs his back. Vulcan Raven ducks down, sending
Nakedman tumbling to the floor. Vulcan Raven with a kick… it hits right on…
here comes another stomp… wait, Nakedman rolls out of the way.
Chip: Come on… get him Vulc, teach him a lesson!
Dale: Nakedman pulls himself forward to the shelf… he pulls out
a jug of Clorox from the bottom row… OH MY! He slams it right into Vulc’s knee…
that sends him kneeling down in pain. Nakedman takes the opportunity to get up,
he is grabbing onto Vulcan Raven’s neck… he is going to do a… NO! Vulc reverses
with an elbow to the ribs, knocking the breath out of Nakedman. Nakedman tries
to pull back, but to no avail. Vulcan Raven with a swinging neckbreaker… that
sends Nakedman right to the tiles.
Chip: Yeah, and Vulc is picking him back up, he’s setting him
up… boy is this gonna be good or what?
Dale: Vulcan Raven has Nakedman right where he wants him!
Piledriver! Nakedman’s head and neck go crashing to the mat… err… floor.
Chip: Nakedman is down for good now!
Dale: Vulcan Raven is going for the cover for what I believe is
the 90th time now!… Here it comes!… 1… 2…
BAM!!!!
Nakedman, in a flash, grabs
onto a metal pipe that came out of the now-broken shelf. He slams it to the
back of Vulcan Raven’s head.
Dale: Nakedman gets out and clocks Vulcan Raven at the same
time! He is beating him with that pipe! This match is getting intense! You can
tell because we are now ending every sentence with an exclamation point!
Nakedman hits him again! Vulc tries to
get out of the way but gets socked in the shoulder! Nakedman hits him in the
ribs! That could have broken some bones… this has gone beyond hardcore, both of
these men know that the winner will be decided in the next few minutes!
Chip: Hahaha… and Vulc gets out of the way. That is why he is
the pinnacle of excellence!
Dale: Vulcan Raven catches Nakedman in a sleeper hold… he drops
the metal pole he had… Naked isn’t giving up though; he is trying to power out…
an elbow… another elbow!
Nakedman hits Vulc once more, and pushes himself away from him. He leans back against refrigeration machine as Vulc scoops up the metal piping from the shelf. He charges forward and swings back to hit Nakedman… Nakedman opens up the door to the refrigerator and Vulc hits that. Glass shatters and hits both men.
Dale: Oh my! Can you believe it… I hope none of that got into
their eyes… that’s got to be bad for Nakedman with no protection on his feet
from the glass. Vulc reaches through the glass-less door… he grabs a hold onto
Nakedman… He is going for the Vulcan Nerve Pinch!
Vulc connects his hand to Naked’s neck, he starts pressing and Nakedman feels the pain… Nak suddenly grabs the refrigerator door… and slams it shut, with Vulcan Raven’s arm in it.
Vulc – AHHHH!
Dale: Nakedman kicks his leg up to Vulc’s back… he slams him
right in the flipside. With a pull he takes Vulc out of the door… pulling on
that possibly injured arm, Naked pushed him to the floor, leg-drop to Vulc…
neither man is done yet, Vulcan Raven gets a foot up and flips sides, he knocks
Nakedman off his feet, both men leap back up!
Chip: I can’t watch.
Nakedman rushes Vulc and knocks him back down; he gives one last kick before signaling to the fans at the window.
Dale: I know what that means! He’s going to do the BARE BOTTOM!
Dale: Can he do it?! YES! BARE BOTTOM! Nakedman did the Bare
Bottom and Vulcan Raven is down for the count! Its all over! Its all over!
Nakedman has just…
1… 2… …*kickout*
Chip: Yes! He did it! Haha… you spoke to soon! Just like when
Vince McMahon was an announcer in the late 80s!
Dale: I can’t believe it! Vulcan Raven kicked out after the Bare
Bottom! This match is still going on! Vulcan Raven is back up but he’s in a
corner. Nakedman can’t figure out what to do next- he’s used up his arsenal!
Vulc is up… cross body block… no wait, Nakedman escapes unharmed… he pushes
Vulc back into the refrigerator!
Nakedman slams Vulc’s head into the refrigerator… he does it again. A small crack starts to ripple across until it finally breaks on the nest slam. Glass goes flying everywhere again, but mostly just to Vulc’s head. Vulc drops.
Dale: Vulc is down, Nakedman is going to try again… he sticks him right to his hind area and… ANOTHER BARE BOTTOM! Vulcan Drops! Naked Drops! The ref drops! Naked has him arms! He is going for a cover!
Referee: 1… 2… 3!
Dale: He did it! He did it! Nakedman tried, tried again and this time got the most uncomfortable move in all of Cyberslam to work. Vulcan Raven… the man that currently holds the Ultimate Title, the self proclaimed Pinnacle of Excellence loses to Nakedman!
Chip: Damn, damn, damn. I knew it was coming but I just can’t help it! Boo! Nakedman- you suck! Go away and be good somewhere else!
Grimm: Hey, so this Naked guy is going to the finals? We aren’t
rid of him yet?
Dale: Nakedman’s fans outside the store are pounding to get in!
What a victory at last for Nakedman. There is nothing left on these shelves…
this store is in tatters! I believe Grimm is going over right now to have an
interview with the winner…
-----------------------
Grimm: So, uhh, Nudeguy…
Nakeman: That’s ‘Nakedman.’
Grimm: Yeah, right. You won and stuff. Good for you man.
Nakedman: Yes, thank you. I don’t
know if I could have won this if I was still forced to be bad. But fortunately
I had good inside of me today. That’s right… I beat this man, practically to
death, for the children. I did it all for the children, I tell you.
Grimm: Umm, yes… so you
beat Vulcan Raven with a metal pipe and broke his arm in a refrigerator door
for the kids out there?
Nakedman: Exactly. I just can’t
stand to pretend to be bad anymore. Everyone wants to be bad- but I am not. I
am a good person that loves kittens and warm cocoa. I love everyone I tell you…
even the people who don’t like me. Its true that there is a Naked conspiracy in
this world… but… but… I just have to deal with that and live with everyone in
peace. I can’t get angry about that. That’s what the nudity is all about-
purity and unadorned beauty.
Grimm: So you love everyone huh? What about Vulcan Raven right
there?
Nakedman: Umm… no, I take that
back. I love everyone except Vulcan Raven.
Vulc twitches on the floor, and Nakedman kicks him.
Grimm: So, you have any preference to who you want to fight next
round?
Nakedman: None, with my Naked Heat I can
overcome any challenge. God Bless you all, now let me celebrate this victory!
Grimm: Well, there you have it fans, Undressedperson is your
winner.
Nakedman: That’s Nakedman.
Grimm: Right.