| Journal Entries |
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| Day 88 10/11/02 - I'm pooped. been working too much, *curses* son of a Dahli Lama. now if only i can persuade my boss to give me a raise, since i'm SUCH a hardworker and everyone loves me ehehe. cant wait til tomorrow. I'd have an excuse to be a slobbering mess once again. well not very often do i get to have fun right? nevermind dont answer that. I need go see The Ring again. wooo what a great movie. I've been telling my friends, before u die you see the ring lol. it's original and freaky. twisted movie. better than Event horizon. and everyone know how much i loved that movie. I need to go shower now. i smell like ghetto people hehe. i woke up late this morning (again) and all i did was rush to work without showering, frightening thought i know. but hey either get fired and be clean or keep your job and smell like garbage. i chose the latter. heck. its only wells fargo lol what do they care right? so anywho. gotta get off. Day 87 10/9/02 - We had alot of fun tonight. it was a small and squaint family dinner. we're waiting til saturday to make it into a big gay fest but tonight was fun. was with the whole family. I got so drunk when i got home. fun times were had. I'm think i'm gunna get drunk for both my roomie Dave and Ashe. hehe. heck i got drunk for my Brother Jon during his last birthday so i might as well get drunk this time lol. I'm so bored now, my stupid winMX wont download anything, damnit no more free porn lol. I' think it may be the firewall on my router. I'm trying to download some remixes but everything times out. Hmmm wonder if i should go out lol. Liquid IS right around the corner. very tempting indeed =) but alas i'm trying to save up money. I'm spending into my savings now, it's pathetic. i guess i'll go to sleep soon, but first i think I'll go munch on something now, alcohol makes me hungry. hehe drank too much... Day 86 10/7/02 - Two more days til my Sys' birthday. she's turning 23. it wasnt so long ago that she just turned 21 and was new to the whole coming out thing. when she knew she was a fag hag. hehe how time flies. I was debating with some idiot online earlier. it's a slap in the face when a fag claims to not know whether homosexuality is genetic or not. this is one of the reason why i broke up with my ex. no offense to him. I have never been so sure of myself and i often admit i'm wrong if i know i am (VERY RARE mind you), but for someone to tell me what i am and what i chose is just ignorant. if homosexuality was a choice trust me no one would choose to be persecuted. but i'm glad i was born gay. i'd rather be martyred than to be prove wrong. you can choose to hand with gay people, you can choose to not give them the light of day. but u CAN'T choose to be a guy or a girl except for transvestites/transexuals LOL no pun intended. ah i'm pissed. Day 85 10/5/02 - Sometimes, i was i wasnt so comfortable with myself. with who i am. I wish i was somewhere else right now. somewhere where i can just not think about the people around me. this whole routine of everyday is getting boring. repetitious. i envy those who has nothing to worry about. nothing to face. nothing to want. Things arent that simple for me tho, thing never change.. AH this is getting depressing. i'm too morbid. hehe i need drugs. lol i kid i kid. I'm rambling again. too much alcohol dontcha know. My head is probably wandering again, i dunno what to say. i rant when i feel bitter. *sigh* too much f*ucking problem. and i'm only 19, imagine if i was 40 right now. i'd be insane. not saying that i'm not insane right now hehe. I just dont get it all. i know cheating and wanting another mate is the reproductive trait of males and all but i thought intelligence cancelled all of that out? i guess old habits die hard. Day 84 10/3/02 - Another boring day. i'm just counting down lol 2 more days. hang on Nathan. i'm SO bored. just been looking for some good songs. seems like there's nothing but Diva songs out. no good techno songs whatesoever. or even trance. I need to go CD hunting soon, kinda itchy to spend my money lol. i mean that plastic is practically calling me to use it =) watching VH1 right now. shitty b4 they were rock stars crap. what the hell? what ever happened to music? it's almost shitty as MTV with the lame soap operas. too bad i dont have MTV2. and i'm too cheap to order premium digital cable hehe. i think i need to go to bed now, it's getting REALLY late. and i got work tomorrow. dont think i can be late anymore hehe. my manager came up with this ridiculous notion that everyone ha to go to work on time. =) never heard such a thing lol. dont wanna be fired too soon. i'm still broke. okay time to dream with the fishes. Day 83 10/1/02 - Had a full day of school today. *yawns* *hangs self on imaginary rope* i just want it to be done with. i need a sponsor *insert shameless self-plugging here* hehe. someone with 7 digits income please lol. i kid i kid. anyhoo. i'm totally digging Ace of base's cd. hope they sell well. some really good songs with alot of meanings. now all i have to do is wait for gay club remixes of them lol. there's a gay version to every song. i'm looking forward to this saturday night, me and my 3 best friends are going to the haunted beach in Point Lobos. i was there last month. it was great. just beautiful beautiful darkness. besides make out point it's a great place to come and think to yourself. i wish i had a car. this would be where i'd go everyday. the haunted flooded house there is cool too. wonder what it would be like to live near the beach. i need some time to myself sometimes. brings back memories. *sigh* Day 82 9/29/02 - New CD tomorrow yippie. hehe. common folks go buy Ace of base's cd and i'll sleep with you lol. kidding. hey if i cant be excited about someone i have something to be happy for right? I dled some of their songs on WinMx. it's great. kinda fit my mood right now. i think i'm going to overplay it and make my room mates sick lol. folsom street fair today. I really wanted to go but i overslept. it's one of those days again. just my body's way of catching up rom the previous week days since i've been getting jeck for rest and relaxation. Castro street fair is next week so i'm going to be there for shure hehe. fag gatherings are so fun. throw alcohol in it and i'll have a blast lol. wonder if it'll be like 2 monthes ago. some of my friends are comming up and they didnt expect the fair to be going on lol. boy are they gunna be pleasantly surprised. lol. actually my guy friend is gunna pee his pants. *evil grin* Day 81 9/27/02 - YAY!! Weekend hehe well nothing special but at least i can go out and not look like an idiot. i'm trying to find a nice gay bar that is NOT around castro. kinda hard since gay people tend to concentrate in masses. fagnets kinda. I'm just bored of the castro i guess, same people. boring music by DJ *cough*Whatever *cough* Matthew Baker. yuck. teeny bopper music. he's more like a mixer. too bad there's no 18 and over bars. Hell. I need a hair cut. it's getting itchy. i'm getting pair again OH JOYGASM!!! more money to throw down the drain hehe. i gotta buy some personal stuff and beer money =) i cant believe how the days go by so fast. it's like only 2 days ago was it august and i had just moved to san fran. now it's almost october. how time flies when you dont have a boyfriend lol. ooh am i on that topic again? hehe sorry. okay how about sex. hmm nevermind it'll lead back to relationships. *sigh* Day 80 9/25/02 - There's this new girl in my work. she's really cute and we click so well. kind of a relief that someone my age is FINALLY working with me. (no no I'm not a closetted straight boy) i like girls, i just happen to not like to sleep with them lol. god i'm horny and bored. and i'm just too lazy to even jerk off. maybe i should call my friend up lol. I have yet to find a friend with special privileges ehe. long overdue. and someone my age preferably. someone to "talk" to. sucks that i just moved up here. all my close friends are gone and too far away. oh well it's bitching mode again but what can i say. there's nothing better for me to do but bitch lol. see what boredom can do to a guy? i think i'm gunna go and have a few drinks then head home. heck let's see if i can get lucky and earn some extra cash. *oops* did i think out loud again? hehe. axtually i change my mind. gunna eat then sleep. it;s only a weekday. i'll wait till tomorrow. Day 79 9/23/02 - *shrieks* i hate mondays someone kill me. kill me now. *sigh* if only i had a sugar daddy, then i wouldnt have to work or go to school. (hehe i kid i kid) why cant my non-existant rich multi-billionaire uncle just die and gimme his fortune already. so i as thinking of rehauling this site since i'm getting bored with it. i dunno yet. my friend told me to keep it. hold on hold on. *memory lapse again* what was i talking about? lol. just joshing. Ace of Base's new album is comming out in a week. hehe i feel all giddy and happy now. oh joy! (i know it's dorky) but hey i'm a huge fanatic. everyone who knows me know that i overplay their music over and over and over. hehe common i know everyone likes em but they jus dont wanna admit it lol. who here has never heard of The Sign? =) kinda sucks that they fell from 23 million records to only 3 millions. sad really. they dont even get promoted anymore. ooops rambling again. Day 78 9/21/02 - I'm over it. you know what i mean. I deleted his number yet again. i'm just done. I'm pissed and sad. but i know i'm happy. GOD i need pot lol. i guess it's pretty blatantly obvious to my brother Jon that i do DO it. he checks this site often. heck, at least i'm not buying it LOL yet. See what breaking up can do to a guy? lol well actually we were never together so breaking up is a wrong term. I need to find myself some nice bulldykes and start the we hate chauvenistic men club. more gay bashing all around lol. i mean seriously. damn stupid good for nothing fags. (no no i'm not bitter at all) wondering if i should go to Endup tonight hehe. it's mixed night today i think. who knows i might have some fun. let's hope i remember where i live afterwadrs hehe. not the first time it's happened. Ok i'm getting bored, and uh it's 4:20 i gotta go. LOL Maryjane is waiting. she's a bitch when u dont appease her. |
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| Day 77 9/19/02 - Nice that school's over for the week. *sigh* one of my good friends (just met him but we clicked) and i went for sushi. lol. if anyone wanna see a human garbage can they can come watch me eat sushi lol. i think Mike was kinda embarassed that a guy his size cant compete with me in eating. I dont know whether to be proud or ashamed lol. hey i can still use the "but i'm a growing boy" excuse right? still not too late. but then again i only eat once per day so it's like eating 3 meals. i rarely have time for a sit down meal anymore... So mark called again. it's just my luck. whenever i like someone they dont even give me the light of day. and when i JUST want to be FRIENDS with someone, they fall for me. not to sound conceited but it sucks like hell. heck i'm joining the priesthood lol.at lest they get more young boys that way =P. okay i think i need to go clean myself now i feel dirty. hehe Day 76 9/17/02 - I'm tired, i'm tired of love, falling in love, relationships. I'm just sick and fed up with it. think i can be celibate? lol that's a laugh. there's a point where i just want to give up. (no it's not suicidal tendencies) but giving up maybe a coward's way out. but EVEN then i dont have the nerve to do it. I dont want to turn into those fags that does endless one night stands running rampant around the city. let's face it we all need sex, we all want it. for me tho. i just want someone to hold and someone i can call up just to talk. tenderness is all i want really. that's too much to ask for nowadays. remember that song by Plummet? Dreaming comes so easily cause it's all that i know, true love is a fairy tale. I'm damaged so how would i know? I wanna cry, and i cant even do that. i know i'm going to grow old and bitter. is that the meaning of life? is it inevitable? I'm scared and i'm alone, I'm ashamed and i need for you to know! Day 75 9/15/02 - Spank the lord for paychecks lol. i was running low on pot er. i meant food money =) I just added some song lyrics. met some kid named Mark. he's gunna psycho call me i just know it lol. it's one of those feelings you get when. SHIT shouldnt have gave out my number. hmmm should have told him i was someone else =) anyhoo. went to work late 1 hour yesterday. dont think my manager was very happy with me =P. really wasnt my fault lol nothing is ever Nathan's fault *note to self* *grin* I'm just sitting here listening to this song. and i dont know how to feel. i dont know what to say. i miss my bestfriends all of a sudden. i guess i miss that sense of security, love, companionship. too bad they live so far away. it's especially hard when i can talk to them about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING but that i'm a fag. or my relationships. i dont know if it will change our friendship or how they will react =( Day 74 9/13/02 - There often times i wonder if fags have PMS. cause my fudging mood swings are killing me. SHUT UP SHUT UP damn voices in my head hehe. so i'm getting ready to go out. trying in vain to not let my ego eat me from the inside. I just found a great song by Ian Van Dahl valled Reason. all so true as it reflects EXACTLY what i'm feeling right now. i dont want to give up but there really is no sign for me to try and continue it. it's a hopeless cause when youre chasing after something that is running way too fast for you. some say i'm too young for love but i beg to differ. i'm too old to not have a relationship. sometimes i wish i was straight and that my ex-girlfriend was my soulmate. but alas, i'm too much of a fag. and as such i seek some of the same. joke's on me i guess. most fags dont know the meaning of relationship. or long term that is. well i'm leaving, too much on my mind, must find some sedatives. hehe kidding. it's getting late. Day 73 9/11/02 - One year ago, over 3 thousand people died needlessly. all for what i often ask, for the sake of religion? is it any wonder why i'm atheist? I found out the painful truth 3 years ago when my mom died when i didnt even have the chance to kiss her goodbye. humanity is naive, a flock of sheeps following a blind shepherd. i would just for once like to have something to believe in, something that can reassure me i'm not alone. but ironically, i have yet to see any proof. So here i am, doing my homework and all that is on my mind is Shawn. i know it's pathetic, funny how my ego is my only defense mechanism and yet it's also the leading cause of my misery. perhaps i should just swallow my pride. but then that's just too easy now isnt it? the risk of getting hurt or just stray away from everyone who wants to know me and alienate the people who already know me. i dont know anymore. i'm tired. i'm going to sleep. Day 72 9/9/02 - Ya know the thing about watching porn. just once cant they hire cute guys who actually knew how to act?uh that's not gunna happen huh? I'm so bored. I wanna go watch some indie movies but there's nothing new out. My favs are coming of age stories but ev'rything recently is so cliche. so here i'm stuck with porn as an alternative. I dont know y i like those types of movies. perhaps it's my longing to have that perfect childhood. to be able to predict what the ending is going to be like. in a way i want a faerie tale coming of age story where everyone lives happily ever after. *sigh* what a crock of shit. as much as i like watching it, makes me depressed whenever i compare it to my own life. oh well, time'll tell, by the by. y'all should buy or rent Beautiful Thing. cute story about 2 british boys and the best thing about it is. there's people with English accents all over ehehe. *lactates* oh dont mind that. just a British Fetish. =) Day 71 9/7/02 - So there i was earlier watching stupid infomercials. I didnt if i should go out or not. kinda discouraged since i already knew what to expect. well hehe after a few drinks i finally went out. i ended Up in End Up. get it? get it? hence the name end up. hehe. oh nevermind. Anyhoo, i met a new pot buddy to replace my roomie Mark. and this guy wont make me go to Pendulum *shivers*. one problem tho, he likes me. uh. that's gotta change hehe. we'll see about that. I have a sudden craving for sushi. NO i'm not straight. if women tasted like Sushi trust me! I'd be straight. =P Maybe i just miss the company of my friends from San Jose since they're the ones that went out with me. I miss going out to the movies after work and acting stupid at TGIF. *sigh* one of the disadvantages of living here is that everyone else is too lazy to come visit me. i need a car soon. well at least i got a phone. i'll save up money soon enough. Day 70 9/5/02 - It's early september and my school work is starting to pick up, eeek, more work now. shucks i need some geeky Asian friends to copy HW off of =) boy there's ALOT here. Gives a whole new meaning to "I'm going to China Town." I finally came around and reseted my pages. I gave em new backgrounds and shrank everything so that it was more compact. now ALL i need is to find a good background for the about me page. Gotta add some jokes and song lyrics too, *roll eyes* right that's gonna be any day now. I'm SO looking forward to the weekends. you have no idea, work is killing me. I gotta deal with stupid people. yeah yeah i know i complained about this everyday but people are so dumb it's stupid. "DOH why do u want to see my ID, i just want to rob money from the bank." okay i'll stop bitching. for the night. I need to see this boring Sign language video now. 1 more year and i can sign fluently hehe. gunna be fun. Day 69 9/3/02 - I'm sick and tired of this waking up in the morning, 8 oclock every morning until 8 everynight. God, i feel normal now *shrieks* stop make it stop. This whole teller thing just aint working out. I feel so gay hehe. i mean i'm surrounded by about 10 women and 3 men. that's scary. At least i'm getting money right? please tell me everything's alright. hehe I still havent filled out my benefits for wells Fargo yet. It's like one of those things where i promise myself i would do but NEVER ever get around to do it. *hint* kinda like my laundry and vaccuuming my room. shocker eh? well maybe not. I think i've decided that Paladium is tweaker town. I dont know why i hate it so much. it's so similar to Universe i guess. same people, nothing changes. it's a small town i guess. Endup is gunna be my new spot hehe. straight people are more carefree and at least u wont get grope once every 5 seconds by the next bear you see... Day 68 9/1/02 - Just woke up at 12. was kinda surpised i wasnt mugged last night taking a taxi home. *note to self* dont drink too much tequila. been playing with my new toy (cell phone) all day. yeah i'm easily amused. me and my roomie are planning to go see Signs today, either that or Goldmember. havent seen a movie in monthes. it's scorching hot outside so i dont wanna go too early. in an hour or two. One of my brother's workout buddies or so he claims showed up. Hubba hubba. *drools* hehe now if only i had the dedication to start going to a gym i'd meet more folks like that. doubt itll be anytime soon. well not until i get a car at least. with the looks of it things are looking bleak. gotta file the rest of my papers to see if i qualify for financial aid. i thought i only have one paper to fill out, stupid government and their procedure anyhoo,The new housewarming pic is up, i'm gunna go eat something then fold the laundry and go vacuum my room *sigh*. Day 67 8/31/02 - Joygasm. just got paid hehe. so i finally signed up for t-mobile and boy does it feel good to have a cell again. now i can pretend to actually do something during my lunch break lol. been watching a sign language video for my ASL class and damn it's confusing. its just a bunch of folks signing without any sound whatsoever. I had to work today from 8 til 4 and damn it sucked. i woke up late, didnt shower or do my hair. so i assume i looked like shit. i've been so sleep deprieved lately, i need at least 8 hours of sleep but only been getting 5 or so. maybe less. this whole student/worker thing aint working too well as i had hope. maybe a little bit less play? hehe god forbid. housewarming party today, i'll get the pictures up by tomorrow. not very many people showed up. it was around 20 or so. but then again if alot came my bitch of a neighbor would have whined and moaned about it for days. she's extremely snobby and easily irritated. |