-He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
-He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
-He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
-He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
-He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
-He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
-He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
-He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
-He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
-He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
-He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
-He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
-He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
-He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
-He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
-He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.