Breaking alone.
It was just another typical night on the Hellmouth. Some major prophecy had arisen that made pretty damn sure that the Scoobies had to exist on snatched sleep and caffeine. They had been researching for three days straight without any sign of things easing up and it was beginning to take its toll on the gang. Tempers were hot and nerves were stretched. It didn�t help that it was the middle of summer and the heat outside, even at night, increased the fear and desperation as well as adding a nice sheen of sweat as the air conditioning continued to mock them.
The situation was so desperate that even Spike was helping and no one threw barbs at him or ridiculed him about his chip. They sat at the Watchers home having closed the Magic box for the night and stared as the writing in the ancient tomes made less and less sense and the endless books blurred together in a maelstrom of Latin and other forgotten languages.
By the time Giles' clock struck 1am most of the Scoobies were still staring at the books while a few had given up any pretence of research and were curled up attempting to catch a few seconds of peace.
Buffy had stormed off on patrol, in a Slayer huff, claiming that she needed to kill something soon. Giles was glaring doggedly at a leather bound volume as if he knew that if only he could make sense of the words, the answer would come to him.
Dawn was tucked up in Giles' bed having given up around midnight, she protested that she didn�t mind giving up school in the morning but was over-ruled by big sis and sent to bed grousing about the unfairness of existence.
Anya was wrapped around Xander snoring gently while he attempted to read the next book and the next, but even he knew at this point he was just aimlessly turning pages.
Spike sat on the couch next to Willow. He glared at the book in his lap as if it was personally responsible for all the problems in his life, or unlife as the case may be. The Chip, his Sire, Dru, the damn slayer and... Every thing else, plus he was dying- although not literally- for a cigarette. As he shifted position on the couch he felt a sudden weight on his shoulder. He turned his head to find Willow's upturned mouth only inches away from his own. With her eyes closed and her serene expression she looked like an angel from a painting- a sleeping angel. With a furtive look at the others to make sure no one saw him, Spike moved his arm so that it was around her and she was cradled against his chest. She shifted slightly and he held his, unneeded, breath so he didn�t wake her as she nuzzled into him.
Now it was Spike's turn to abandon reading in favour of staring at the captivating sight of the sleeping redhead.
Before he knew it, it was 4am and Buffy had come back from her patrol.
She sat and watched him as he watched Willow.
�What?� he said quietly not wanting to wake the redhead.
�You really love her don�t you?� Buffy said just as quietly; she didn�t want anyone else to over hear this.
�You know I do.�
Buffy sighed �So you said but I never really believed it.�
�My calling her name didn�t clue you in?� he arched an eyebrow.
Buffy blushed �I didn�t want to hear it.�
�I know.� He said not unkindly.
�I�ll be over tonight.� She said and turned to look at her book.
Spike sighed �Fine.� He stared down at the redhead �Fine.�
After Buffy had been sent to Hell, Spike had had a lot of time to think things through, starting with his feelings for her. It was true that he was devastated that she had died but not destroyed, which is how he�d felt every time Dru left him. After many months of searching he�d come to realise that he did love Buffy- the same way he loved Dawn, as a sister� no, a friend, one he respected.
His searching gaze had fallen on another as over the summer he�d got to see the marvel that was Willow. He thought of the way she�d taken charge when no one else would.
The way she�d made sure no one was left out, not even him, and the way she made sure everyone had a shoulder to cry on. Hers.
She moved in with Dawn and made Spike come over all the time, practically moving into the Summers� basement. She fixed them breakfast, cereal and blood and forced them to exist. She made Dawn go to school and do her homework and never wavered when Dawn screamed that she hated her. It was out of grief and frustration and she took it, boy did she take it.
Spike recalled one particular instance where the Nibblet�s screams could be heard as he was coming down the street and only vampiric hearing made him realise that the only danger she was in was of bursting someone�s eardrums. She�d been screaming that Willow didn�t care that Buffy was dead, that she hadn�t cried and wasn�t human.
He�d gone in to find what it was all about and Dawn had stormed off to her room. Willow had turned to him calmly and asked him to watch Dawn as she had some errands to do.
Three hours later she�d returned with groceries still looking as unflappable as ever and started preparing dinner. Dawn had come down and apologised and she�d accepted, making sure Dawn ate her vegetables. That had been the first time since Buffy died that he had even looked at Willow as a person. Her unshakable calm unnerving him.
She�d broken up with Tara, who went back to her parents claiming that the Hellmouth was too much for her. But Willow carried on regardless; she became everyone�s mother, big sister and leader.
Even Giles began to defer to her. She stepped into Buffy�s role as Slayer without ever taking her place.
Spike had fallen in love with her without even realising it. Just woken up one day with the certain knowledge that he needed Willow, the same way he�d needed Dru. The Scooby�s had become his world, and Willow was at the centre, always there for anyone.
Now he wondered who had been there for Willow, if she�d cried and if so whose shoulder she had cried on, where was her comfort?. With Tara gone and Xander spending all his time with Anya, who did she have? Where did she turn when it all got too much?
By the time he�d thought these things it had been too late.
He hadn�t even had time to address the issue when she did the unthinkable.
Willow knew that the Hellmouth needed a Slayer, knew that Dawn needed her sister and Faith in prison needed the time to regroup so she�d pulled Buffy out of Heaven to rejoin the fight. She never thought about the amazing reserves of power it would take or how much it might harm her- she just did what needed to be done.
When he realised what she�d done, first he�d been hurt that she still didn�t trust him enough to confide in him and then after he�d thought about her reasons he became angry that she�d deliberately kept him in the dark so he wouldn�t stop her. Then he got scared, he might have lost her and never got the chance to tell her how he really felt. Everyday he vowed to let her know but he didn�t. He had screwed up with her already and wasn�t sure how to even begin making amends before he could make his attentions known.
Then Buffy had been back and had been so screwed up, she�d begged him to still love her- to make her feel anything and he�d tried telling her that he loved her like a friend and would do anything to help her. He�d held her but Buffy had other ideas and she�d fought him and threw him around the abandoned house and appealed to his dormant demon until it had burst through and he�d had sex with her� no, it was more animalistic rutting.
He�d been so disgusted with himself and promised Buffy it would never happen again, he would find some other way to help her. He loved Willow.
Buffy had begged some more, and then left. Since then she had tried everything to get him back.
Threats, bribery, force and pleading. The poor girl was so messed up but wouldn�t confide in her friends. Each time he tried to talk her out of it but several times she had succeeded in seduction.
Until she promised it was just for a little while, while she grew stronger and then she wouldn�t need him anymore. Just a little while.
She�d saved the world, saved Red. He could give her a little while.
Buffy hated herself. She hated what she was doing but couldn�t seem to stop, after being torn out of heaven she thought she�d reached rock bottom, but recently she just kept digging. Begging a demon to sleep with her just so she could get through the day feeling something. She was beyond pathetic. Logically she knew her friends would help but she had been� *was* the Slayer she didn�t need their help. What she needed. What she needed was someone to look at her the way Spike looked at Willow.
�We need to talk.� Spike said to Buffy as she entered the crypt.
�Why?� she knew why, and didn�t need to hear it again.
�Buffy. It�s been months. Talk to them they�ll understand, no one will judge you. They love you. You don�t need me, don�t need this.�
�You�re wrong.� She cried �I do need you, please.�
Spike folded his arms firmly �No.�
�What?� she said incredulous, incensed that he had the audacity to deny her anything.
�No more, Buffy. I won�t be an addiction for you. You need help. Let them help you.�
�I will, I will just not yet, I need time.�
�You�ve had months, it�s time.� He stared implacably at her tear filled eyes.
�No. You have to help me.� Buffy demanded.
�I will help you, but I won�t have sex with you again.�
�Hell, it�s not like you imagine it�s me. 9 times out of ten you call Willow�s name anyway.�
�I love her.�
�You loved me!� She said desperately.
�I was confused. I wasn�t supposed to have any feelings for the sodding Slayer let alone nice ones. I thought it was love, and it is - just not the type you mean. I love you as a friend like I love the Li�l bit as a sister.�
A calculated gleam entered her eyes �I wonder what Willow would say if she knew we were having sex, me in my vulnerable state.�
Spike�s eyes hardened �You wouldn�t bloody dare.�
Buffy strutted towards him and ran her hands over his silk clad chest. �Say pretty please.� She purred. Spike shoved her away from him in disgust and stalked to the corner placing his hands against the wall trying to regain some restraint and fight the urge to tear her throat out.
�Buffy go home.� He barked.
Buffy sobbed once and then turned and fled his words so similar to Angel�s many months ago.
�Bloody hell.�
Willow sat in her last class of the day half listening and half trying desperately not to fall asleep. She�d had so little sleep; actually she couldn�t remember the last time she�d slept the whole night through. Possibly sometime before Buffy died. Last night she�d even fallen asleep on Spike! Shows how tired she had been. She�d woken up to see Spike staring at her and she�d muttered an apology, hoping she hadn�t drooled on him and blushed violently. He hadn�t minded- or so he�d said. He was probably trying to be nice. Imagine that -Spike trying to be nice. He had changed a lot over the summer, of course seeing the woman you love die has to change you a bit.
She�d seen how much Buffy meant to Spike after that, he was so much more withdrawn and introspective. She felt him watching her often and prayed that he didn�t hate her for trying to keep them all together. She wasn�t trying to take Buffy�s place- that was impossible. She�d just needed to keep them all existing so Buffy�s sacrifice hadn�t been in vain.
Get through one day at a time so she didn�t break. Goddess how often she�d wanted to break, scream at the world and make everyone in it feel the way she was, hurt them all- but she�d needed to keep strong. Keep it together for everyone�s sake she couldn�t afford to be weak. It hadn�t been easy but she�d tried damn it.
With each day it hadn�t gotten easier to block the feelings and emotions but it been easier not to let them see, because the last thing they needed was to watch her break. It was only when she was truly alone that she could let her shields down enough to get some rest and garner her fragile grip on her own self to make it through another day.
The bell rang and Willow slowly got up and made her way to the Magic Box, she�d had a postcard from Tara who reiterated that she was fine and she hoped Willow was fine. Fine, fine, fine. Sure she was fine.
She just had to make it through today. She�d be fine.
End Part 1.
Part 2
Buffy watched as Willow leaned over the computer shaking her head as she tried to focus on the words.
She looked so fragile Buffy couldn�t imagine little Willow taking charge why she had been away, no matter what Spike had said about Willow being the cornerstone of their little operation.
She had bags under her eyes and her skin was pale, it was obvious that she had lost weight as the red sweater that she wore hung off her.
Suddenly her head sprang up and she gabbled excitedly.
�Giles, Giles I found it!�
�Everyone got up and joined Willow around the computer. Buffy noticed that Spike elbowed his way so he was standing right next to Willow, his hand on her shoulder. He always found little ways to touch her, her hand to show her a page in the book he was looking at, her shoulder to commend her, her hair when she slept. Buffy sighed and joined them.
�It�s called the Sect of Jatickahn.� Willow explained �They arise once every 200 years to wreak vengeance.� They turned to look at Anya who was their resident expert in vengeance.
�Hmm, I remember something about them; they eat souls, especially rare ones and extract vengeance on non-human subjects.� Anya beamed glad to be of use.
Spike leaned further over Willow to stare at the screen, and also to drink in her presence.
She smelled so good, she always did but tonight it was something Vanilla, he inhaled deeply.
�Say�s here they gather near mineral rocks.�
�The quarry!� Willow jumped �There have been police reports of mysterious goings on but they wrote it off as gangs, or something.�
�How do we stop them?�
Buffy didn�t care. Let them take vengeance on demons, made her job easier.
�Fire.� Willow said as she scanned she entry. �But there are a lot of them so we could make impromptu fire sprays, jet stream using hoses and just spray into the quarry.�
�Those ok Buff?� Xander interrupted looking to Buffy to lead them as she had always done, missing the annoyed look on Spike�s face and the hurt one on Willow�s.
Buffy stared vacantly back �Uh sure, sounds like a plan. Hoses, Giles you have a��
�Y-yes of course.� Giles went into the back yard to fetch his garden hose.
�Let�s go team.� Xander said with mock enthusiasm.
Anya rolled her eyes �The faster we get done the quicker we can go home and you know.�
They waited for Anya to explain and gaped when she didn�t.
�What?� she said annoyed �I�m trying that tact thing you keep talking about.�
�Wait, I need someone to take care of Dawn.� Buffy said, she had almost forgotten her sister!
She looked around, Anya was useless at baby-sitting and Xander could help with the hoses. She needed Spike so that left �Wills?�
�Sure.� Willow tried to keep the hurt out of her voice- Buffy was the Slayer, Buffy made the plans. Willow wasn�t the leader, had never been the leader- she had stood in. As they went to grab what they needed Spike turned to Willow.
�Harris would scream like a girl if anyone attacked Nibblet, Demon girl would corrupt her talking about sex and Giles wants to feel needed. No bleeding doubt we could use your help, especially your spells. But you are the only one I trust to take care of Little Bit.� He said softly so they wouldn�t overhear him.
Willow smiled �Thank you.� It was nice of him to try to cheer her up even if he didn�t mean it. He gently stroked her red sweater.
�This colour looks good on you.� He said distractedly and then shook himself and left following the others. Buffy followed him pretending that she hadn�t seen the display but a part of her mind grasped onto it as useful.
Willow watched them go, confused.
Spike winced as Buffy entered the crypt.
�I thought I said no more Buffy.� He sighed.
�I know.� She hung her head and watched her feet �I just wanted to talk.�
�Talk.� Spike offered with a sigh of relief and gestured to the sofa he had stolen from the dumpster a while back.
Buffy sat, her knees drawn up into her chest looking very much like a little girl.
�I know that I shouldn�t want this, shouldn�t do this. I hate myself for it, but I can�t stop it. Spike I don�t want you to be an addiction for me either. But I do need you.�
�We�ve been through this.� Spike knelt in front of her and took her hands in his. �You need your friends, not me. Tell them, pet and it will all be better.�
�But what if they hate me?� tears threatened.
�They won�t.� he promised.
�I can�t tell them I feel like I don�t even know them.�
�Whose fault is that?� Spike said harshly �it�s you who has kept them all at a distance, love. They would be there for you, you know it and I know it. You need to build up friendships again.�
�That will take time. I need you for that time.�
Spike pushed away and walked over to the other side of his crypt thinking deeply.
Buffy breathed in, it was time she pulled out her bargaining chip. She reached over to the bag she�d bought and pulled out her gamble.
Spike�s head snapped up immediately and he whirled around. He glared at her with narrowed eyes as he saw what was in her hands.
�What is that?� he said through gritted teeth. But he knew what it was. Could smell it from over here. It enticed him.
Buffy held the soft red fabric to her chest.
�She took it off at my house; she�s been wearing it for two days. It smells like her- even I can smell it. I took it when she went to bed.�
She looked up at him �It�s so soft.�
�I know.� He bit out and stared at it as if it were deadly �What are you doing with it?�
�Cold turkey is not the way to go for me. But I figure you should get something out of our little *deal* as well.� Her eyes never wavered from his �You help me when - if- I need it and I help you.�
He clenched his jaw �Help me what?�
�Get Willow.�
End Part2
Part 3
Spike stared at her like she was crazy, which wasn�t far off.
�Help me get Willow?�
Buffy nodded �You want her, I�m her best friend. I know her, know what she likes, I know her life.�
�Not recently.�
�But given a chance and I will. I miss her and I want her back. Girls talk, I can find out what she looks for in a guy, how she feels about you.�
A myriad of expressions crossed his face too quick for her to identify.
�I have access to her schedule, I can get the two of you alone, sweet talk her, plant information or ideas. Her stuff.� She looked down at the bundle in her arms and held it out to Spike.
�Take it. You can keep it, as a reminder, something to keep close while you�re alone at night in this cold tomb. Or you could give it back to her; tell her you found it- give you a chance at a conversation. Whatever you want.�
�And what do you want?�
�Not tonight.� She smiled slightly �I don�t need you tonight. But some night I will.�
�Some nights you have.�
She shrugged �Consider it payment for services rendered. Set your own terms for next time. Maybe I won�t need you again. I feel stronger, think about it.� She laid the sweater on the sofa and left quietly.
Spike stared at the red sweater for half an hour before he got the courage to pick it up. Sweet heaven, it smelled like Willow. She infused the garment. He took it to bed with him pretending that it was her next to him, her arms wrapping around him, not just empty sleeves.
But for the first time in weeks he slept like the dead.
�Hey Wills.�
�Hey Buff. You want something?� Willow looked up from her notes and stared at her friend.
Buffy frowned *Do I only come to her when I want something? Am I that bad a friend?*. �Just to hang. What are you doing?�
�Psych, Freud and Jung.� She explained.
�Freud�s the sex guy right?�
Willow nodded amused *of course Buffy would remember that part* �Are you OK?�
Buffy swallowed *can I tell her, can I?*
�Tr- truthfully Will, I feel a little lost.� She all but whispered.
�Why?� Willow said kindly.
�Do I have a place here?� she searched her friends face for reassurance.
�Always.�
�Right, I�m the Slayer.� She added bitterly, that�s not what she meant.
�No.� Willow said adamantly �I mean yeah but no, you�re not just the Slayer Buff. I wish you could a seen the way it was when you were gone. Everything, everyone fell apart. We needed you. If it was just the Slayer thing we could have busted Faith out of prison. It was you. Sister, best friend, chat pal, informant, research buddy Buffy. When you left it got dark. Bad dark. And now your back you can feel the light coming back, sure it�s a little dim now but it�s getting brighter. Everyone feels it. No one could replace you, you always have a place.�
Buffy wiped the tears from her face. *Will always knew just what to say.* �Thank you.�
Willow smiled faintly �Never doubt how much you are needed Buffy. Loved. Heck even the undead love ya.� She teased.
*yeah* But she couldn�t contradict her Redheaded pal. At least Spike loved her- as almost a sister, speaking of her sister.
�Where�s Dawn?�
Spike could tell that something had happened; the atmosphere at Giles was so much more relaxed. Buffy looked up as he came in and shot him a quick grin.
�Hey Spike.� Willow greeted him.
�Will.� He nodded in return.
�Buffy, please?� Dawn whined after smiling at Spike.
�No Dawn, you are not going to patrol with me. It�s far too dangerous and I don�t want you to get hurt.�
�I get hurt all the time.� Dawn huffed and folded her arms.
Sensing that the Summers� women were about to have another battle of wills, Spike made his way over to Willow�s side and sat down.
�Is there an evil brewing?�
�Only Xander�s cooking.� Willow grinned but it didn�t reach her eyes, it never did these days and it made Spike ache to take hold of her and fight away all the bad until her eyes sparkled again.
�He�s making dinner for Anya tonight and called me twice to ask how to boil pasta.� Her smile was so reminiscent of a previous happier Willow that it took all Spikes� self control not to lean forward and kiss her.
�You look happy, pet.� Willow looked at him.
�I guess I am a little. Buffy sees to be doing a bit better and that makes for a better atmosphere.� She nodded.
�What about you?� he couldn�t stop himself asking and she stiffened and after a beat replied.
�I�m fine.�
Spike frowned, that sounded a little too rehearsed for his liking and he opened his mouth to tell her so when Buffy interrupted.
�Will, Spike tell Dawnie that I�m right.�
Willow stood up and walked over to a sulking Dawn.
�When Buffy was 16 she was out in the world fighting demons and monsters, it�s not fair that you can�t do the same.�
Buffy gaped and a grin started to spread its way across Dawn�s face.
�But while she was out there, she got killed, twice. Plus she has Slayer powers, if she can get hurt that easy then how much more so can you. And yes I know that we fight besides her. But we had to, we didn�t have anyone to keep us safe and protect us like you do, we had to grow up way too fast and we never had the chance at a childhood. If Buffy had never come along we�d all be dead. But we had to earn our stripes, she never wanted us to go out on patrol- she didn�t want us to get hurt we had to earn her respect and prove that we could accept her orders, accept her as leader so we didn�t go off half- assed and get hurt. Instead of pouting like a child and making her believe that she�s right in keeping you at the back, show her how mature you are- accept discipline, accept that the Slayer is the leader. Show her how well you can follow orders and soon, you�ll be out there with us risking your ass and getting covered with demon goo.� Willow finished with a smile. Dawn nodded and flashed a shaky smile.
�Alright I can do that. I gotta go, have homework to do.� She turned and walked into the back of the store.
�Blimey.� Spike exclaimed.
�Seconded.� Buffy said, her eyes wide.
Willow turned to Buffy �She�s not an innocent little kid, none of us ever were. She gets scared when you go out and she doesn�t know where or for how long. Don�t shut her out. She has just lost her mother- don�t make her lose you too.�
Willow picked up her coat �I�m tired, going home.�
�I�ll walk you.� Spike volunteered immediately and stood up to follow her. Willow hugged Buffy who looked a little sad and left the Magic Box with Spike tailing behind her.
They walked in silence for a while and then Spike said.
�You did well.�
�Did I?� she said distractedly �Maybe it would be best for them to work these things out on their own.�
�Buffy still sees Nibblet as the key, something she has to protect. She needs to face the fact that Dawn is a teenager, not mystical energy. You can help her see that.�
Willow sighed, a deep heavy sigh that came from her heart. Spike watched her in concern.
�What?�
Willow shook her head and tried to shoot him a tremulous smile. �Just tired.�
�You need to get a solid night�s sleep, instead of tossing and turning all night.�
Willow looked at him questioningly and Spike cursed himself as he understood what he�d just revealed.
�Nibblet told me.� Truth was that he still watched the Summers� house. But more often than not he was watching the Rosenberg place. Not that she was there that often anymore. Some nights he stood on Willow�s balcony and watched her attempt to sleep. He never stayed long, unlike the Slayer- Willow keep odd, unpredictable hours. Sometimes it was days before she returned home before dawn to catch a few hours sleep before rushing off out to attend classes or research. He wanted to ask her how she existed on such little sleep and still had the fire and energy that she gave off in waves.
�Right.� She nodded as if everything was decided.
�Why are you having trouble sleeping pet?� Spike asked curiously. Willow just shrugged. They had reached the house.
Spike sighed, he knew she didn�t love him, maybe she never would, but it still hurt to see her so apathetic about life.
�Listen love,� he murmured the endearment hoping she could tell its truth �I may not be good for much, but I�m here. If you need to talk, I�ve been told I�m a good listener.�
He turned to leave until her quiet voice stopped him.
�You�re wrong.�
�How�s that pet?�
�You are good for much. We never would have gotten through this summer if not for you.� Willow sat on the porch and wrapped her arms around her knees.
�That�s not true, Red. You held the group together, without you we all would have fallen apart.� She shook her head slowly �Yes.� he stated firmly �You were a bleeding marvel.�
He sat besides her on the porch and revelled in her closeness, the fact that he could drink in her presence for the first time in ages and she wasn�t running away. �Sometimes, I just wanted to wait for the sun. But there you were, making sure we carried on. I saw what you went through with Little Bit, without you I hate to think how she�d be.�
�It�s better now.� Willow frowned �Buffy�s here, which is how it should be.� She sounded confused.
�What is it?�
�It *is* right isn�t it?�
�Don�t know love.� He replied honestly they sat in silence again for a few minutes.
�Thank you.� Willow said and stood up.
�What for?�
�Not lying to me.� And with that she left the Vampire more confused than he�d been for a while.
Part 4
Two weeks flew by in a flash, routine had set in and the Scooby�s began to relax. Giles decided to stay for a while longer and helped at the Magic Box meaning Anya had more time to be there for Xander, giving him orgasms and so those two were less antsy. Both Buffy and Dawn had accepted Willow�s advice and arguments were fewer and less heated. They spent more time bonding and Buffy even let Dawnie help with research. This night they were looking for a particular demon that had them all �flummoxed� as Giles put it. Dawn finally found it but they wished they hadn�t. It could kill by touch alone which meant that Buffy couldn�t get close to kill it. Spike volunteered to try, because he was already dead, but in the end, it was Willow�s magic that saved them all.
This didn�t sit well with Buffy.
Spike had been waiting for this; he hadn�t wanted it but knew it was coming. Buffy was insecure about her place in the world, so when Willow managed to slay the demon he knew she would be over to try feel better.
He was disappointed when the crypt door slammed open and she appeared like a golden headed tornado.
�Spike.� She looked at him with big blue eyes
�Talk to me?� he almost begged
�No, you know what I want. Set your own terms- anything.� She did beg.
�Fine, but my demands will get bigger until you realise that this is no solution.� He spat, half of him was disgusted that he was going to do this while the other half told him that a beautiful woman was begging to have sex with him so shut up and screw her, hell it had been a while and after all he was only a man.
Buffy nodded at his harsh tone �What do you want?�
�Two patrols with Red, a photo, a personal item and you to have a conversation with her. A long one that doesn�t involve slaying.� Spike knew that something was still bothering the red head. But he couldn�t think of a way to get her to open up to him maybe Buffy would have better luck.
�Fine.� Buffy accepted his demands and moved closer to him biting her lip �Thank you.�
�Don�t thank me.� he growled in annoyance and dragged her to him before she could speak again. He pressed his mouth to hers and tried not to think too hard about who she was; it had always worked with Harmony. If he closed his eyes and tried real hard, he could pretend she was his Willow. His sweet Red. If he tried real hard.
�Hey Wills.�
Willow looked up from her book and gave her friend a smile.
�Hey Buff. Thought you were in class?�
Buffy stared at the redhead �Nah, actually I have to ask you a favour.�
Willow closed the book on demons she had been engrossed in, it was fascinating. �Sure, what do ya need Buffy?�
�I kinda need some sister time with Dawn so I was wondering if you minded doing patrol tonight with Spike for me.�
Willow blinked. Buffy wanted her to do patrol, she wasn�t making excuses about Willow was too weak to do that. She smiled; maybe Buffy believed she could take care of herself- finally.
�Yeah no problem Buffy you know I will. So you and Dawnie doing the bonding thing?�
�I�m thinking maybe a movie and Ben and Jerry, minimum talking leading to embarrassing silences and ohh maybe Hugh Jackman in britches.�
�Haven�t you worn out your copy of Kate and Leopold yet?�
�Hey, there�s plenty of drool time left on that tape yet.�
The two friends shared a grin at the thought.
*Does this count as a conversation?* Buffy thought as she looked at Willow.
�Do you mind doing patrol with Spike?�
�No.� Willow was surprised at the question �Why has he said something?�
*only that you are his world.* �No.� Buffy shrugged �I�m just not sure how you feel about him.�
�About Spike?� Willow stared at her friend in surprise. Buffy sat down
�Well yeah. I know we were never Spike�s biggest fans, what with him trying to kill us and all but you were always nice to him.�
Willow smiled wryly �I�m nice to everyone- remember Harmony, I was nice her even though I hated her.�
�Do you hate Spike?� for one wild moment Buffy panicked.
�No.� Willow assured her �Couldn�t speak for him though.� She added.
�What?� it was Buffy�s turn to be surprised �You think Spike hates you?�
�Maybe.� Willow suddenly found her shoes fascinating. She opened her mouth to say something but then shut it again.
�What?� Buffy said concerned.
�Nothing.� The shutters had come down and Willow pasted a smile on her face that was so fake it made Buffy�s teeth hurt �He likes you, which proves he has taste. I�ve got class so I�ll see you tomorrow.� And Willow got up and left. Buffy watched her go. Something was wrong with her best friend- and she didn�t have a clue how to find out what it was.
�Um Spike?� Willow edged closer to his chair.
Spike sat up immediately and fixed his attention on the redhead. It was rare for her to come to him and initiate conversation. Normally she tried to avoid him. It was frustrating that the one person he loved in the world hardly ever spoke to him.
�What�s up pet?� he said softly watching her flushed face.
�Um Buffy and Dawn are doing the sister thing tonight and she asked me to patrol with you. I totally understand if you don�t want to, I mean I can do it by myself.� Suddenly she felt very stupid; he�d obviously have better things to do than patrol with her, especially as he didn�t like her to begin with. �Never mind.� She mumbled and turned to go.
Spike shot out his hand to grab her wrist �Not so fast luv. I�d like that.�
She stared �You would?� then she caught on �Ah demon-y violence thing, s-sure, I�ll get my coat.�
Spike shook his head, the chit thought he only wanted to go to slate his violent tendencies. She had zero self-confidence; didn�t she know she was perfect?
He felt a sudden bout of guilt as he wondered if he was the one that had crushed any burgeoning self- esteem, after Buffy�s death he had been particularly harsh to her several times. Was the reason that she was so uncomfortable around him because she didn�t trust him? Because he had put her down and belittled her?
They left the Magic box walking silently towards the many cemeteries of Sunnydale. One too nervous to speak, the other simply basking in the presence of the one their heart belonged to.
Willow glanced up at Spike and bit her lip �I can take this cemetery if you want to take Restfield.� *That way we�ll get done faster and you can go.*
�Nah, we should stick together.� Spike shot her a grin.
�I can protect myself you know; you don�t have to baby-sit me.� Willow protested.
Spike raised an eyebrow, if she had said it with passion or in anger he might have been offended but the lack of emotion in her voice scared him.
�I know that.�
�Right.� Willow�s gaze fixed on the trees in the distance.
�Red, luv. I know you can take care of yourself, just figured we could have a chat. Haven�t had one in a while.� He said softly and Willow sighed.
*A while? More like ever, at least one that didn�t centre on Buffy- Oh god he wants to talk about Buffy.*
�Sorry Spike I didn�t mean to be pissy. What did you want to talk about?� she tried hard and managed to plaster a smile on her face.
�Is everything alright with you, pet?� *ponce* he called himself all sorts of names for feeling so sappy, asking humans how they were, wanting to talk about feelings.
�Fine.�
He sighed; it was going to be a long night. But he could put up with anything because he loved her.
He remembered the first time he realised it. It had been about three months after Buffy died. He had been down in the basement waiting for Dawn to come home from school and Willow to come back from wherever she had been. They would call for him and sit at the table in the darkened kitchen. Dawn would tell him all about her day and he�d try to make her smile. Willow would have dinner ready for Dawn and blood for Spike. Willow would sit and watch them and ask questions that set a conversation tone and pretty soon they would be like a family. It was Spike�s favourite time. Listening to Dawn and hearing Willow�s soft voice answering their questions and just making them feel better. At the time he didn�t realise that he had never asked anything about Willow and neither did she volunteer information. She was the comforter and never the comforted, the listener that was never listened to. He knew both Xander and Anya had come to talk their problems over with her and she offered advice and sympathy, a shoulder to cry on. She�d been all that and more for him and Dawn and even for Giles- the one who should have been the grown up.
On this day he had laid waiting on his cot in the basement and suddenly he could hear a giggle. A giggle from Dawn. Dawn hadn�t laughed since Buffy had died so Spike sprang from his bed and crept up the stairs to listen at the door. It came again and he opened the door and walked silently to the kitchen.
The sunlight was streaming in the window lighting up Willow and Dawn as they sang along to the radio. Willow was spinning Dawn around the floor and singing into a French bread roll along with the radio. She swung her hips in time to the beat and her hair swayed in a red curtain. It was some lame song by some country singer. Something about lucky for the guy she was just her. He leaned against the door jamb and watched them.
�You always said that I have multiple personalities
I bounce around somewhere between my dreams and reality
So where'd you dig up the audacity to ask me
How we've all been doing
Since you broke our hearts� Willow crooned into the bread roll to be followed by Dawn�s falsetto.
�Well, so far�
Willow spun, grabbing Dawn by the hand and they both sang
�Number 5 just cries a river a minute
7 wants to tie you up and drown you in it
Yeah, 14 just wants to say so long, bygones
32 wants to do things to you that'll make you blush
10 would key the El Camino that you love so much
And there ain't nobody wants to mess with 23
Oh, lucky 4 you tonight I'm just me�
Spike grinned at the lyrics, very cute.
�I guess this party's more than your new Barbie bargained for
She's got you by the sleeve, slowly easing towards the door
She's probably right, you should be movin' on
Don't know how long we can behave
Better have the valet get your car
�'Cause you know how women are�
He choked back a laugh as he watched them pretend to be air heads. It occurred to him that he hadn�t seen Dawn this carefree in a long while, maybe even before Buffy died. And it was thanks to Willow.
�Number 5 just cries a river a minute
7 wants to tie you up and drown you in it
Yeah, 14 just wants to say so long, bygones
32 wants to do things to you that'll make you blush
10 would key the El Camino that you love so much
And there ain't nobody wants to mess with 23
Oh, lucky 4 you tonight I'm just me�
Dawn picked up the stick and turned, spotting Spike
�Forgiveness is the key
According to my shrink
But, it's not just up to me
I don't know girls, what d'ya think?�
Spike held up his finger to his lips, Willow hadn�t seen him yet and Dawn nodded with a mischievous grin, letting Willow take the next part by herself.
�Number 5 just cries a river a minute
7 wants to tie you up and drown you in it
Yeah, 14 just wants to say so long, bygones
32 wants to do things to you that'll make you blush
10 would key the El Camino that you love so much
And there ain't nobody wants to mess with 23
Oh, lucky 4 you tonight I'm just me
Number 5 just cries a river a minute
7 wants to tie you up and drown you in it
Yeah, 14 just wants to say so long, bygones
32 wants to do things to you that'll make you blush-�
Willow turned around and saw Spike, her voice immediately fading and a blush spread enticingly across her cheeks, a nervous look graced her features as Dawn laughed.
Spike joined in with Dawn feeling lighter than he had in a while and as he�d stood there in the kitchen, watching the sunlight stream in lighting up her hair, he wanted more than anything to see Willow smile and laugh too. Without realising it she was in his heart.
She did smile more now, but they never reached her eyes and he hadn�t heard her laugh since Buffy died.
Thinking about Willow now, his face broke into a smile. Yeah she did have multiple personalities, each one was more intricate and mysterious than the others and he wanted to get to know them all. He bit his lip as he watched her impassive face. But how could he when she wouldn�t even look at him.
�What are we doing here Buffy?� Dawn asked as she watched her sister pick the lock on her best friends� front door.
�I told you Dawnie, I�m doing a surprise thing for Wills and I need some of her stuff to do it.�
Dawn huffed and folded her arms over her chest �What kind of surprise?�
Buffy rolled her eyes; she�d forgotten how annoying her sister was to spend any time with �A surprise kind of surprise.�
The door swung open and they entered quietly. Buffy turned to her sister
�I need to go upstairs; you stay here and keep a watch out just in case.�
�Sure.� Dawn liked it that her sister was making her a part of this, it had been so long since they had done any sister activity. But tonight she had blown off patrol and was including Dawn in this surprise for Willow. Then they were going for ice cream and to pick up a movie. She smiled as she heard Buffy move about upstairs.
Buffy opened the door to Willow�s room and walked in assaulted by memories of sleepovers and late night chats. When they would share their secrets and hopes and fantasies. Now Buffy was secretly having sex with the man who was in love with Willow and Willow had a problem that she refused to share. She shook her head- life was so complicated.
Spike grinned at Willow as she stared at him in disbelief.
�No way.�
�Yup.�
�No.�
�I�m telling you I met James Dean.�
�What was he like?� she asked curiously.
�Well he was a bit surly, you know being a teenager and all a bit of a prat but actually he was a nice kid, until he got himself killed.� Spike took a final drag of his cigarette and crushed it beneath his boot.
He glanced around, he�d been having such a great conversation with Red that they�d finished patrol without him realising it.
He motioned to her and started walking back towards her house.
They�d talked about history after she mentioned that she had a paper due in a few days. That had led to him recounting some of his exploits in history. She seemed careful to steer clear of personal topics and he didn�t know whether to be relieved that she wouldn�t know too much about his bloodthirsty past or disappointed that she didn�t want to know more about him.
As they walked she turned it over in her head. Just think of all the famous people he must have met over the years.
Before she could ask him about it he blindsided her with a question of his own.
�Red, why did you move back to your parents� house?� it was a soft question covered in curiosity. Willow scrambled to come up with a reply that sounded plausible.
�Uh, I figured Dawn and Buffy should be alone and have time to, you know, bond.�
Spike nodded and heard Willow�s sigh of relief that he had bought her story- he hadn�t, but it was a start.
�Don�t you get lonely?�
Willow started and looked at him, this was venturing into personal territory.
�No.� she stated quickly.
Spike nodded again, trying to find some way to ask his next question without sending her running.
�If- if something was wrong, with you, you have someone you trust- to talk to or sound off at right?� he watched uneasily as she looked blankly at him.
�Excuse me?�
�If something was bothering you, do you have someone to talk to?�
She blinked.
�I�m fine.�
Spike sighed again, he really didn�t need the oxygen but it helped
�So you keep saying.�
�I am. Night Spike.� She gave him a ghost of a smile and walked up to her front porch.
Spike felt his heart ache as she walked away.
Part 5.
�Hey dead boy long time- and it�s been good.� Xander shot as soon as Spike entered the room.
�Hey Spike.�
�Nibblet.� Spike smiled at Dawn. One of the few people in the room he actually liked �Red.�
�Spike.� Willow gave him a quick smile before she turned back to the computer, her fingers flying over the keys.
�What�s the latest?� he said choosing a chair near the computer and throwing one leg over the arm.
�Buffy�s letting me research!� Dawn babbled excitedly.
�Really?� he raised an eyebrow at the Slayer who shrugged.
�Figured she could help, only the non- gross books through.�
�We have non-gross books?� Xander asked puzzled.
�She�s doing a great job.� Willow said distractedly as she stared at the screen.
�So what exactly are you researching?�
�A Farrar demon.�
�Oh six foot guys with spiky horns and them fangs,� Spike shuddered �ugly but brain dead. If you blind them, it makes them think you can�t see �em and then they get sloppy.� He stopped as he became aware all eyes were on him �What?�
�You couldn�t have mentioned this- oh say yesterday?� Xander griped as he shut the large demon tome he was (pretending) to read through.
�Unlike you whelp- I actually have a life, and I�m dead.� Spike rolled his eyes at the annoying human boy.
�Leave him Xander.� Willow instructed as she continued her tapping.
Spike stared at her *what was she doing, what was so intriguing that she hadn�t looked up?*
Buffy watched as Spike watched Willow and suddenly she remembered something.
�Spike.� She said softly and motioned with her head to the training room, she got up and he waited a few minutes before following her.
�What, are you gonna get in my face for not coming over earlier and helping with your little demon problem?� Spike started but Buffy held up her hand and shut the door.
Spike looked puzzled �What?�
Buffy bit her lip not quite sure how to approach this subject. She turned away from his piercing gaze and started to pace around the floor.
�I had a conversation with Willow, like we agreed.�
Spike sighed; he hoped she had given over this nonsense �Right, so that�s all you wanted to say, you were fulfilling your end of the bargain like a good little girl?�
�No.� again Buffy hesitated �We talked about you.�
Spike picked up and tried to look casual while his insides felt all excited, Willow talked about him.
�Yeah? So what did the chit say?�
�Have you ever told her how you feel, at all?� Buffy stared at him and Spike frowned.
�Why?�
Buffy swallowed �She thinks you hate her.�
Spike felt like someone had taken a 2 by 4 to his solar plexus.
�What?�
Buffy repeated herself.
�She thinks you hate her.�
�Why would she think that?�
Buffy watched as his eyes glistened and it was obvious that he was hurt by this information. She shrugged not really knowing what to say.
�How�?� Spike trailed off not sure what he was saying.
�I asked her if she minded patrolling with you and she said she had no problem with it but that you might mind. I asked her if she hated you and she said no, but that she couldn�t speak for you.�
�She doesn�t hate me.� Amidst the pain there was that small piece of light, at least she didn�t hate him.
�Spike, something�s wrong with her.� Buffy�s eyes began to tear and her breathing drew ragged �I feel like she�s broken and I can�t reach her. She�s hurting about something and I don�t think I can help.� The tears began to fall over her lashes and down her cheeks.
Spike nodded tightly wanting to do the same and cry for Willow.
�I know.� He bit out and turned his head away hating her for seeing his weakness.
�Here.� Buffy held out her hand and Spike reached for what she held without seeing what it was. �You patrol with her tonight.� And she turned and left the training room.
Spike took a minute to get a hold of himself. Willow was the most perfect woman he had ever known; he loved her more than any other person in his entire existence more than Dru, more that Angel. And she thought he hated her. He thought back to the last time they had talked together, her cryptic remarks and blank stares and he hurt inside for her. All this time she had been alone with no one to care for her, well now that was going to change. He vowed as he straightened and looked at the object his hand. It was a photo of Willow, her face lit up by the sun and her laughter, she was beautiful. *You will laugh again* he promised the young girl in the picture, and hoped that that was a promise he could keep.
He took an unneeded breath and opened the door to rejoin the rest of the Scooby�s.
Part 6
Willow stared at the computer screen, keeping an ear on the conversation behind her for anything of importance but not really paying attention to anything. She heard Spike and Buffy leave and Buffy return a few minutes later and come and sit next to her.
�Hey Wills, whatcha doing?�
Willow could hear the tears in her best friend�s voice as she shut down the programs she didn�t want her friend to see.
�Just double checking the information Spike gave us about those demons.� She lied smoothly. Of course she could lie smoothly now, she�d had months of practice, sometimes she couldn�t even tell when she was lying or telling the truth.
�Are you okay?� She turned the tables on Buffy who looked surprised.
�Yeah.�
Willow looked pointedly at her eyes telling her silently that she could see the tears.
�Not really ok.� Buffy admitted �I�m worried about you.�
Willow nodded slowly though her eyes betrayed nothing.
�Don�t be, I�m fine.�
Buffy had no idea what to say so she went with her gut instinct �Actually I�m not feeling so hot would you patrol with Spike again, he said you make a good team.�
Despite her vow to not feel anything Willow couldn�t help the glimmer of pleasure that ran through her at those words. She smiled.
�Really?�
Buffy nodded, feeling better that smile was reminiscent of the old Willow.
�Sure.�
Just then Spike came back in the room and casting a look around let his eyes rest on Willow.
�Hey Pet, you want to patrol?�
�Why are you letting Wills patrol with dead boy junior?� Xander piped up from the corner.
Spike rolled his eyes �Shut it whelp.�
�Yes Xander do be quiet.� Giles added �Spike has proved more than capable of protecting Willow and I don�t believe that he has any intention of harming her.�
Only Spike saw the stiffening of Willow on Giles words.
�You�re wrong Watcher.� He said keeping one eye on her.
�What?� Xander exploded �See I told you he�d hurt her.�
�Sod off, I wouldn�t hurt her. She�s the only one out of you lot that I can stand.�
�Hey!�
�Her and Nibblet.� he amended at Dawns emphatics �What I meant was that Willow is perfectly capable of taking care of herself or was I the only one around this summer?�
Xander spluttered and Giles had the decency to blush slightly. They knew as well as he did that without Willow this summer the Hellmouth would have gone under. She was the one that had originally begun patrolling.
After they had come home from the hospital Willow had given Dawn some painkillers which knocked her straight out and asked Spike to take care of her because there was something that she had to take care of. If he had given it any thought he would have believed that she was off to see the witch. As it was he was to broken up to care about anything.
It had been several days before Spike had been in any state to notice that she left at night after Dawn went to bed and returned later. She came home around the early hours as dawn was creeping in and immediately went to the bathroom then she prepared breakfast and made them eat.
At first he didn�t care that she was gone, she was always there if Dawn had a nightmare and soothed her back to sleep, she was there if they needed a shoulder to cry on and that was what mattered, and then he began to wonder.
After a few weeks he had roused enough from his despair to want to know where she went and he was determined to find out.
He tucked Dawn in and waited downstairs in the dark. Around 4am Willow stumbled in the door and staggered to the stairs, all without turning on the lights. He smelled the scent of blood and watched as she struggled to the bathroom. He followed behind her and stood in the doorway and tried not to gasp as he saw the state she was in. There was blood all over her arm and she had a split lip, her hair was a mess and her clothes were torn. She stared in the mirror and removed her top. This time Spike held onto the door frame to keep from falling. There were cuts all over her back in various stages of healing, some days, some weeks old. She ran the water over a towel and dabbed at her lip hissing as it made contact with the blood.
�Where have you been?� he said accusingly.
�Out.� She said. She didn�t jump even though she hadn�t known he was there.
�Doing what?� he asked even though it was pretty obvious. He grew angry when she didn�t answer �Well?�
�Patrolling.� She answered as she wiped crimson blood off her arms.
Spike felt his bloodlust rise as he saw the copious amounts of it.
�What the hell are you doing that for?�
�Why so mad Spike, you knew what I was doing?� she raised her eyes and looked in the mirror at where he would be if he cast a reflection.
�I thought you were visiting the witch.�
�Tara�s gone.� Just like that. No tears, no emotion.
�When?� his voice softened slightly.
�The day after.� She didn�t need to explain when she meant, the day Buffy died was etched into all of their brains. �She said the Hellmouth was too dangerous. So she went home to her family.�
The same family that wanted to brain wash her and make her into their little slave.
�So the witch is gone and you decide to do what, get yourself killed?�
Willow just shrugged at the idea �It�s not about Tara.�
�Then what?�
�Just because Buffy is gone doesn�t mean the demons are. They won�t give us a reprieve out of respect for her memory.�
�You are not *her* Red, you could never be.� He said coldly.
�You don�t think I know that?� it was the first time he�d seen her even close to tears �God Spike I know that. But someone needs to do something- we can�t all bury our heads in the sand and pretend it didn�t happen. It did, and while it sucks life has to go on. She would want it to go on. I�m not doing this because I�m under some delusion that I could ever be her, I�m doing this because it�s what she would want. I�m doing this for her.�
�And if you get killed, what then?� he demanded �How is Dawn supposed to function without you?�
�She has you.� The way she thought she was expendable still had the power to make him cringe.
�Why didn�t you ask for help?�
She stared into the mirror as if she could actually see him �You couldn�t give it, this is the first time that you have even lifted your head for longer than a day. They would have killed you and Dawn needs you. Now if you�ll excuse me.�
She turned and shut the door. Shutting him out.
The next night he called Xander to take care of Dawn and joined Willow in doing patrol.
As Spike remembered their conversation for the first time he wondered if that�s why she thought he hated her. He had been harsh, very harsh. It had been the only time he had ever seen her even look like she was about to cry. Around everyone else she maintained a calm, cool exterior that had caused Dawn to scream more than once that she didn�t care that Buffy was dead. But it was that calm exterior that had kept them all safe and alive and helped them get through it. But Spike suddenly wondered at what cost.
�Uh yes, yes true.� Giles took off his glasses and polished them as he acknowledged the truth of Spike�s statement. The movements startled Spike out of his reverie.
�You coming Red?� Spike swung his leather duster behind him and left the Magic Box.
End Part 6
Part 7
Willow pulled her jacket closer around her and clenched her fingers around the stake in her pocket.
�I�ll go to Restfield if you take the Olson Cemetery.� She said quietly.
�Eager to get rid of me?� he said casually although he felt a slight twinge at the thought.
�I just thought we could get done faster if we split.� She didn�t have the energy to keep up the charade of happy Willow tonight. Each smile was a struggle and with each word she could feel herself getting further away from reality. She needed some time alone to regroup and pull herself together enough to get through the next few days.
�I�d prefer to stick together again.� He said reminding her of their patrol the other day. �It wasn�t too bad patrolling with me was it?�
She shook her head but all she wanted was to scream at him to go away and let her be alone. She clenched her fists, tiny fingernails cutting into her palms as she dragged her emotions back in check.
�Good.� He smiled slightly trying to put her at ease and let her know that he wanted her company. �Because I thought we made a good team.�
She pointed forwards as if to say lets get on with it then. Spike followed her into the cemetery and they made their first sweep in silence before moving on to the next one.
Willow was glad that Spike didn�t seem chatty tonight; she didn�t think she could cope with conversation, the screaming in her head was louder than usual tonight and she was having trouble pushing it aside like she normally did.
She hadn�t had this much trouble for a good long while. Since a few weeks after Buffy died actually.
She�d been trying to get Dawn to go back to school so that no one would know that Buffy was gone and try to take her away from the only family who cared about her.
Dawn had replied truculently that she didn�t want to go back.
Willow could still remember the argument even now.
#Flashback#
�Dawnie, you have to go back. If the welfare people come they�ll know something is wrong.�
�Something is wrong.� Dawn spat �My sister is dead.�
�I know that.� Willow swallowed �But if they find out, they can put you in care. Take you away from us.�
�Sorry if I can�t just forget that my sister is dead.� Dawn narrowed her eyes �I�m not like you.�
It stung Willow�s heart �I haven�t forgotten.� She responded quietly.
�Really?� Dawn raised her voice �Because it seems like you have, or maybe you just don�t care.�
�That�s not fair Dawn.�
�FAIR? I lose my mom and my sister and you say it�s not fair?�
�I cared about Buffy too?�
�Then why won�t you STOP? God Willow, are you deficient? You haven�t even cried. It�s like you just closed off and DON�T CARE.�
�I do. I worry about you and what would happen if they tried to take you away and that�s why you have to go.�
�No, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.� Dawn screeched at the top of her voice and threw her dinner plate on the floor. It smashed into a million pieces just as the door opened and Spike walked in.
�What�s going on in here?� he demanded and Dawn looked at him.
�She�s trying to get me to go back to school and act like everything�s okay. I�m not as heartless as her, I can�t do it. Spike, Buffy�s dead.� Her tears streamed down her face and she threw herself into Spike�s arms. He caught her and held her close, looking accusingly at Willow over her shoulder.
�The lady from the child services came over and asked why she wasn�t in school. If we can�t make her go, they�ll take her away. I don�t want to lose her.�
Spike pulled away and looked down at Dawn �Listen to Red Li�l Bit, unless you want to go?�
�No!� Dawn exclaimed �Of course not, but I don�t see why SHE can�t just stall for longer.� She turned away �I need time dammit.� She ran upstairs and slammed the door behind her.
Willow waited until the house stopped reverberating with the sound and then she turned around and bent down to the cupboard. She could feel Spike�s eyes on her as she pulled out a dustpan and brush and cleared up the broken plate.
�I can do that?� he offered but she shook her head.
�She doesn�t mean it.� he said softly �She�s still grief stricken and hurt.�
�It�s okay Spike.� she breathed deeply �Can you watch her for a while; I have some errands that I need to do.�
When she looked up he was staring at her with an odd expression on his face, almost unease as if she was about to go into hysterics.
�Sure.� He said scrutinising her.
Willow picked up her jacket and left the house.
For some reason she ended up at the graveyard standing in front of a tombstone.
�I hate you, you know.� She said conversationally �Leaving again. I thought the Slayer was supposed to have staying power.�
To her horror, her shoulders starting shaking and tears fell down her cheeks in rivulets �Every time the going gets tough, you bail. The Master, Angelus, all of it. You are supposed to be the strong one. If you can�t deal how am I supposed to?�
She fell to her knees sobbing harshly against the cold stone. At that moment she wanted nothing more than to claw at the ground and crawl in there with her friend. �You left me.� She whispered �You promised and you left me.�
She swiped at her face with her little fists.
�They all hate me. Dawn because I�m here and you died and Spike because I couldn�t save you. Giles left because I�m not you and I never even see Xander anymore- I guess I�m not enough for anyone. I was enough for you. I was your big gun and I let you down. I�m so sorry Buffy, so, so sorry. I need you. I wish you were here. She�s unmanageable and I don�t know how much longer I can do this. I�m not you and I never will be.� She sat back on the grass and stared at the inscription, her tears drying on her cheeks.
�You did save the world a lot, but what is that if it hurts the ones you were supposed to be protecting? We need you. Dawn needs you and so does everyone else. I�m tired, I�m so, so tired Buffy, I can�t handle being the grown up right now. Giles cries on me. Spike cries on me, they all rely on me but I�m no Slayer. I know that I haven�t been here since the funeral but right now I have something to say to you. The world can deal without Willow Rosenberg but it needs Buffy Summers. So no matter what I have to do, even if it kills me, I�m bringing you back.�
She pulled at the grass surrounding the stone �You�ll probably hate me for this but as long as they have you then that�s fine. You�d die to save the ones you love. Would you live?� she stood brushing dust and dirt off her jeans �I guess we�ll find out.�
#End Flashback#
Willow shuddered at the memory. That had been her lowest point, the part when she really thought she�d been losing her mind. She�d gone straight from the grave to the grocers and bought that weeks food. When she�d walked in Spike had been staring at her in a way that became familiar over the next few months, like something had changed in her and he wasn�t sure what it was. Even after she did bring Buffy back he still looked at her like that. She looked at him from the corner of her eye. But while she was so glad he wasn�t feeling chatty tonight Spike cursed that she didn�t talk to him; he wanted to hear her voice. He wanted to tell her straight out that he didn�t hate her, the opposite in fact.
The only noise came from the all too brief fight and eventual dusting of vampires as they worked silently in tandem to rid the Hellmouth of its deadly version of mosquitos.
After their fourth cemetery and sixth vampire they came across a picnic table in the corner of one of the cemeteries. It seemed odd to have a table in the midst of the graves; maybe a vamp with a sense of humour had dragged it from a nearby park- somewhere for fledges to eat their meals?
Spike sat on the table and put his feet on the bench, lighting up a cigarette. When Willow hesitated he patted the seat next to him.
�Sit, pet.� Willow sat but not next to him as he�d hoped, she sat far away on the edge of the table and stared off into the sea of graves.
�Everything okay, Red?� he was more than concerned.
�Yeah I�m-�
�For God�s sake don�t say fine!� he interrupted bitterly causing her to look at him in surprise �I�m fine, I�m fine.� He mimicked �it�s all I hear you bloody well say now. I get sick of it.�
�Then stop asking.� She was getting sick of saying it.
�Not until you tell me the bloody truth, anyone with eyes can tell you�re not sodding well �fine�.�
Willow rubbed her temples with her knuckles; she could feel a headache coming on. After Buffy�s little Q and A session earlier she knew where this was coming from.
�Look, just tell Buffy that I�m tired ok?�
�What?� he was honestly puzzled �What�s Buffy got to do with this?�
�She dragged you into the training room earlier to tell you to interrogate me, right? Well don�t bother.� She jumped off the table suddenly more angry yet more defeated than she could remember being. �I�m sorry she saw fit to take up your valuable time with nothing. There�s nothing wrong so you can stop playing babysitter now. I�ll finish up here and you can just go.� She turned and went to walk away but before she got two steps Spike was there in front of her.
�Wait a second; you think I�m here because the Slayer asked me to?�
She swallowed �Why the hell else would you be here? Two patrols in a week by my side? All of the personal questions and comments? Although the concern was a nice touch, I must say.�
�I was serious.�
�Right.� she chuckled weakly but the sound was hollow, the emotion she felt inside was bubbling away and she needed to get away. �You forget Spike; I know exactly what you think of me. There�s no other reason than Buffy that you would even suffer my presence.� She felt herself get hotter and hotter and dizzier and she clutched her fists tighter. The screaming in her head intensified to a fever pitch.
Spike saw her begin to sweat but he was focused on her words.
�This has nothing to do with the Slayer. I�m here because I�m worried about you.� She was scaring him �And you don�t know how I feel about you.�
�Distain, disgust, how about blind hatred?� the clearing started to spin wildly around her.
�Not even close Willow�Willow?� she was swaying �Will, baby what�s wrong?�
Spike panicked as she fell towards him and it was only his vampire reflexes that caught her as she stumbled and fell.
Willow was only aware of his arms catching her before blessed silence.
End Part 7
Part 8
Spike managed to get Willow to the hospital in record time; he practically flew there in a blind panic.
Her heart rate was erratic and her breathing hard and sporadic.
He pushed her into the arms of the first doctor and screamed at them to help her. He refused to leave her side as the Doctors worked on her and no one wanted to anger the man who�s very being radiated danger.
Four hours later and they still couldn�t decide what was wrong with Willow, other than she was dehydrated, malnourished and in a coma.
Spike called Willow�s next of kin- Giles- and Giles had bought them all. Dawn all hysterical and snivelling, Anya with her tactless questions which Xander was too distraught to check. Giles looked lost and Buffy alternated between angry and frightened.
Spike wished they�d all go away. Far away. But they stayed all night until the doctors admitted Willow and kicked them out. Or tried to, even the hardiest of doctors couldn�t get Spike to leave.
Spike stayed that night, and the next and the next and every night and day for a week. The E.R nurses knew him personally and made sure to keep the room dark and sun free, the way he assured them she liked it. They assumed he was her fianc� or lover and they saw his heart breaking as she wouldn�t wake up.
Spike sat by her side and held her hand, feeling weaker as he refused to leave her even to feed, until Buffy bought some bagged blood up from haematology. He stared down at Willow. She looked so fragile. So pale and small, it was like she was a Vampire herself.
But she wasn�t; she was a hurt little girl who was slowly dying. And there was nothing he could do about it.
�Look at her Slayer, she�s so tiny.�
Buffy just nodded, she was smaller than Willow but right now Willow looked like a little girl.
Spike bit the top off the blood Buffy had bought him and drained it in one go without taking his eyes off the still form of the woman he loved.
�Why won�t she wake up?� Buffy stared at Spike, he sounded like a child asking his mommy questions about life and death.
�I don�t know Spike. I wish she would. I miss her so much.�
And she did, since she had been bought back, she�d been a bitch and so distant but Willow had been there for her. She�d tried to drag Buffy back into the world but all Buffy wanted to do was have sex with the man who loved Willow. She was suddenly disgusted with herself, even as she craved it.
�Two patrols, a conversation, a photo and a personal item.� She whispered so quietly she was sure that Spike hadn�t heard her- but he had. Spike leaped to his feet.
�For Hells sake Slayer.� He spat �Your best friend is lying here in a sodding coma and that�s all you can think about?� he drew in a breath but refused to attempt to reign in his temper �What has happened to you, the Slayer I knew would be tearing hell apart to get her best friend back and all you can do is think about shagging me? For the first time I�m glad Joyce isn�t around to see how you�ve turned out, she�d be right ashamed of you.�
�How dare you?� She demanded red faced �Leave my mother out of this; I was torn out of heaven.�
�Boo fucking hoo. You had a break, a chance of peace while the rest of us went through hell picking up your mess, doing your duty.�
�Nobody asked you to.�
�You bloody well did!� he was furious �How was I supposed to protect Dawn if the Hellmouth went under? And you dragged your friends into this; they aren�t the type that can turn their backs on what needs to be done.�
�Look,� Buffy took a deep breath �I understand all about duty all right, I am the Slayer.�
�No, you were the Slayer. Now you�re an empty shell that ignores her friends and family in the hopes of getting a quick fix for her emotional crap well you know what Buffy? You can�t quick fix this. You have to deal with the pain and work through it. I know you didn�t just go out and bang the first demon you could find when Angelus dumped on you, you pulled through.�
�I ran away to LA and abandoned my friends and then when he left the second time I screwed Parker.�
�Then its time you grew up. Shit happens, deal with it and move on.�
�I will Spike, but like I told you, I just need you for a little while longer.�
�Well fuck that, Slayer. No more. I�m done, its over. Go find someone else to ease your ache because I won�t, I can�t. I love Willow, you stupid bitch and I won�t hurt her like the stupid wolf boy. Get over your damn issues by yourself and just�� his anger left as quickly as it had begun leaving him tired �Just get out.�
�Excuse me?�
They both looked up as a doctor entered the room
�Yeah?� Spike was radiating tension. He prayed that the doctor would tell him that Red would wake up soon.
�My name is Doctor Jackson. I�m a psychologist. Dr. Brent has informed me that what is keeping Miss Rosenberg from waking is not physiological.�
�Huh?� Buffy the student was a little slow.
�It means that Red can wake up but she doesn�t want to?� Spike wasn�t surprised by the news.
�Exactly.� Stated the Dr. �My job is to find out why she doesn�t want to. Are you family?�
�Yes.� Buffy said resolutely.
�Not in the classical sense of the word.� Spike smiled ruefully �We have no idea where Willow�s parents are, they�re never around. Sl- Buffy is Red�s best mate and I�m her�� her what? Not boyfriend, not lover, not even friend really.
�Yes?�
�Friend.� He finished quietly.
�Alright.� the doctor took out a clipboard and checked some papers. �It says on the initial report that Miss Rosenberg collapsed whilst with a Mr Spike?�
�Just Spike.� He corrected �Call her Willow, she looks too little for such a long name.�
The Doctor just nodded and continued �Can you tell me exactly what happened?�
�We were just talking, disagreeing but not arguing. She stared to weave and then fell.� Spike shrugged.
�What were you talking about?�
�About her, she�s been different lately and I was trying to find out if she was ok.�
�Different how?�
�Withdrawn.� Buffy decided to join in �Quiet and always wanting to be alone.�
�Has there been a major event in her life, some stress or trauma?�
Not unless you could every single bleeding day! This was the damn Hellmouth for hells sake.
�Her best friend died leaving her to take care of the younger sister, then her girlfriend left and she had responsibilities.� Buffy wondered if that was what had driven Willow over the edge.
�I see.� The doctor�s expression cleared �So she was left alone to take care of this young girl.�
�Not alone.� Spike insisted but he knew it was a lie and withdrew in the first stirrings of shame in over a hundred years.
�Wills always takes on stuff by herself, she�s so used to taking care of herself. Her parents started leaving her on her own when she was just a kid. She�s the mom of the group.� The grin was absent from her voice.
�It�s just a cursory opinion but I believe that Willow has had a breakdown caused by a heavy load. She has simply taken on too much and has put all her efforts and energy into taking care of someone else and neglected herself. The coma is her body�s way of regrouping. How long has her friend been gone?�
�A-about seven months.� Seven months since Buffy had died, then bought back after the summer but Willow had still took the brunt of the burden.
�I see. Willow must have developed some strategy to deal with her body�s demands previously. She perhaps had fainting fits or extreme bouts of emotion that she had fought to overcome, that kind of repression is the most damaging. It�s the body�s way of punishing the mind. The question is why didn�t her method work this time?�
�I wouldn�t let her go home.� Spike said quietly �She wanted to leave, almost begged but I wanted to have it out. It�s my fault.� He dropped his head into his hands.
�No Mr- Spike, if that it the case and you did push her, you probably saved her life. She could have had a meltdown and driven herself to suicide.�
�Suicide?� Buffy swayed and grabbed the end of the bed and Spike wanted to retch.
Willow would never commit suicide. Would she?
�Oh God.� Buffy started to cry. Spike put his hand on her shoulder and she turned in and wept against his chest.
�When Willow wakes up, she will need help and support, let someone else be the grown up for a while. Normally talking to a patient can bring them out of a self induced coma; let her know she is no longer alone.� She put away her clipboard and left the weeping girl to the strong arms of the blonde. Dr. Jackson could see that they had to talk.
�Oh Spike.� Buffy sobbed and Spikes hands clenched around her back
�She wouldn�t, she won�t.� he declared �I�m not leaving her now.�
Buffy pulled away from him and stared red eyed at his resolute face
�But what can you do, she doesn�t even think you like her?�
He swallowed around the lump in his throat.
�I�ll do whatever it takes, and when she wakes I�ll tell her how much I love her.�
�If she wakes.�
�WHEN!� Spike growled. �Hell Buffy, I thought you were the Slayer. You�re acting like a pansy bitch all lay down and roll over. Red is not like that, she�s a fighter and she WILL wake up. Have a little faith in your best friend.�
�I do.� She maintained and she really did.
�Willow, wake up. Please wake up, Willow.� She leaned over her friend and brushed a hand over her hair.
�We need you.� It was practically a whisper.
�Let her sleep Slayer, I�ll be here.�
Spike moved Buffy out of the way and stroked the back of his hand over her cheek tenderly caressing her face with his gaze.
Buffy nodded and realised that she was supposed to be at home with Dawn.
�Call me the second she wakes up� or if there�s any change I have to tell Xander and Dawn how she is.�
Xander and Dawn were worried about Willow, they had no idea what state she was in.
�Spike?� she bit her lip and tried to force the unfamiliar words through her mouth. �I�m sorry.�
Spike looked up startled and met her eyes. She was sorry, sorry for the position she�d put him in, sorry for Willow, sorry for their fight. Just Sorry.
�Don�t be, she�ll be ok. I�m not losing her now.� He vowed and turned his attention to Willow as Buffy nodded and left.
End Part 8
Part 9
He watched Willow as she breathed and focused on the calming sensation of the gentle rising of her chest, she was so beautiful. He wanted her to come back to him. The Doctor had said to talk to her so he talked to her.
�Red, baby, are you there? Can you hear me?�
Of course she was there, he could see her but he couldn�t feel her, the special part that made her Willow. He caught her hand and stroked it softly. Tears fell from his eyes as he touched the soft skin, she really was so beautiful.
�I�m sure you can hear me, you probably found some way of doing it. You always were the clever one of the bunch. Too smart for this place.�
Too damn smart for the Hellmouth, Buffy had told him once that Willow could have gone to college anywhere in the world, Harvard, Yale, M.I.T. Yet she�d stayed to help Buffy. That was sacrifice for you.
�You were wrong about what you said in the park, I don�t hate you, there�s no distain, disgust or blind hatred. I wish I could tell you.�
He wished he could say how much he loved her, that un-life wasn�t worth it if she wasn�t there. That everyday he hung around just to catch a glimpse of her and that even now he half wished she wouldn�t wake up just so he was free to touch her, her hand, her face. He brushed his lips against her knuckles and stroked her silky hair.
As he stroked he felt a pull, like Willow was coming closer to the surface than she had before and this gave him the courage to give voice to the fear which had been plaguing him the past week.
�Was it me, pet? Did I push you too hard, did I not pay attention? I was there, all you had to do was ask for help.�
Like she would have, Willow was nothing if not self- sufficient. She�d had to be with parents like hers. None of them knew how to get a hold of them, or even which part of the world they were in. Their only daughter lay in a coma in hospital and no one knew where they were.
�I would have helped pet, I would do anything.�
And he would do anything for her, absolutely anything for his darling Willow. He�d go to the ends of the earth for just a smile.
�Willow? You have the prettiest name, it suits you. Willow bends but it doesn�t break you know. You can tie it in knots and even though the skin comes away it stays strong throughout.�
Just like Red. Does whatever to takes and keeps going, like one of them damn energiser bunnies. But he prayed that this time the batteries hadn�t run out. Yes, for the first time in over a hundred and fifty years Spike prayed.
�Please Willow be strong, come back to me. I can�t do this, not without you. Not ever without you. I�d rather see the sunrise.�
The gods wouldn�t deny the world this perfect child life to spite him would they? She couldn�t die, couldn�t let the brightest light go out. His tears fell in earnest as he kissed her hand wiping his tears with his lips.
�Willow.� Her name- a desperate plea. He crawled up and placed his head next to hers on the pillow, he needed to be near her always. What he wouldn�t give just to hear her sweet voice again.
�Spike?�
At first he thought he�d imagined it. But he heard Willow�s heart beat pick up and his head shot off the pillow.
He hardly dared to hope �Red?�
There was white and white is always bright and loud. Brash, uncomfortable and harmful never allowing for rest. But Black- black was good, silence was in the darkness. The voices and screams and demands went away in the blackness and blessed peace reigned. If white was the colour of good why did black feel so good, so right while white felt so wrong and painful.
Willow was supposed to be good, but she shied away from the light and sought the comfort of the dark. But a force was seeking to pull her out of the comfort of the dark, calling her name. There were machines beeping and echoes of footsteps and voices. So many voices, all loud and confusing hurting her insides. Thoughts ran into the peace and she was dragged back to the edge of light. Was this how Buffy felt being torn out of heaven? Was this Willows punishment? Was this how Drusilla felt all the time? - So confused and in pain, talking in circles and riddles, maybe it was easier to pretend.
�Willow, wake up.�
No. it hurts to wake up.
�Please wake up.�
I can�t. I don�t want to. You can�t make me. Childish thoughts.
�Willow.�
If a person has a finite number of words they can use you are wearing out my name. Stop it.
�We need you.�
No, no more. I can�t.
�Let her sleep, Slayer. I�ll be here.�
A soft hand brushes over her cheek, phantom touches.
�Call me the second she wakes up� or if there�s any change I have to tell Xander and Dawn how she is.�
Xander and Dawnie, funny they should be so far away.
�Spike? I�m sorry.�
�Don�t be, she�ll be ok. I�m not losing her now.�
I�m not lost, am I lost? I don�t feel lost...that�s a lie. I am lost. No map for Willow- all alone in the light.
Silence, are they gone? Am I alone now? Have hours gone by, days maybe since they left? I can hear new sounds, changing shifts of nurses.
�Red, baby, are you there? Can you hear me?�
Spike is still here. Why won�t he go away? He wouldn�t go away in the park and now he�s here. He called me Baby? Am I a baby?
Phantom touches, stroking my hair. He�s holding my hand. My hand is wet, is he crying?
�I�m sure you can hear me, you probably found some way of doing it. You always were the clever one of the bunch. Too smart for this place.�
I know, that�s why� I forgot� secrets.
�You were wrong about what you said in the park, I don�t hate you, there�s no distain, disgust or blind hatred. I wish I could tell you.�
Tell me what? I wasn�t wrong I�m right. Right Willow, wrong Willow. What is he saying I can�t hear him, perhaps if I go closer to the light? It might hurt but then I could hear him. It does hurt it bites.
�Was it me, pet? Did I push you too hard, did I not pay attention? I was there, all you had to do was ask for help.�
Help? No one can help. I help, that�s what I do. I help. I�m the brave little toaster, reliable dog geyser person.
You pushed me. Is that why I�m broken?
�I would have helped pet, I would do anything.�
Anything.
�Willow? You have the prettiest name, it suits you. Willow bends but it doesn�t break you know. You can tie it in knots and even though the skin comes away it stays strong throughout.�
Bends but doesn�t break. Not like me, I�m all broken. Skinless but strong, all raw and bare.
�Please Willow be strong, come back to me. I can�t do this, not without you. Not ever without you. I�d rather see the sunrise.�
NO.
Spike is needed. Dawn and Buffy need Spike. Sunrise is bad- more light. Dust and ashes, Spike must live. He is kissing my hand, making it wetter as he cries over it. Why does he do that?
�Willow.�
Desperation. I know it, I can feel it. I have to come back. Spike is needed, he can�t break. I didn�t know he knew my name. Why is he crying? His head is next to mine on the pillow and he breathes deeply. The light hurts and scorches but I have to come back.
�Spike?�
His head shoots off the pillow.
�Red?�
End part 9
Part 10
Spike could barley contain the hope in his voice. He lifted his head to see Willow�s eyes flutter open.
�Hey Red.� He whispered as the most beautiful green eyes opened.
�What-?� She cleared her throat, sore from disuse and tried again. �What�s the time? Should you be here, it�s daytime?�
Spike shook his head; there she was again thinking about other people rather than herself. His heart felt like it was thundering in relief as she awakened and he fought the urge to gather her into his arms and never let her go.
�Its fine, the nurses are pretty much used to me by now.�
She frowned �Can I go home?�
�Not just yet pet, I think they want to run some more tests on you.� He suddenly realised that he was still lying next to her and he got off the bed quickly, not wanting to scare her.
Willow blinked �Why? I�m fine.� She nodded as if to confirm it to her self and then waited for the room to stop spinning.
�Sure you are.� Spike said sarcastically as her eyes unfocussed and then he got up to call the nurse.
Buffy was almost bouncing with glee. Her best friend was out of the coma and the Dr�s said that there was no lasting damage. She was gonna be fine- physically anyway. Spike had called them from the hospital yesterday to say that Willow had woken up and then they�d gone to see her. Apart from being a little quiet she�d been fine.
She�d thanked Xander for the balloons and Dawn for the teddy bear. Giles had given her some new books- just like Giles- and Anya had insisted that grapes were traditional. Buffy had resorted to chocolates, hoping that Willow would maybe gain a little weight. Spike had stood in the shadows of the room still not leaving the redheads side. After about half an hour Willow had claimed she was tired and so they all left.
Willow let the smile on her face fade as the echoes of their footsteps faded down the hall. It had been so hard to keep up the soft smile and the assertion that she really was okay. She burrowed her head into the pillow and scooted up until she was sitting with her head resting on top of the headboard. She closed her eyes and fought against the tears she could feel building. She would not cry. She was stronger than that.
Spike watched from the corner of the room, she had forgotten he was there. He had seen the smile fade quickly from her face and the haunted look enter her eyes before she squeezed them tightly closed denying him the pleasure of seeing the bright green orbs.
�Are you in pain, love? Do you want me to get a doctor?�
Willow�s head shot up and she stared into the shadows of the room.
�Spike, what are you still doing here?�
Spike moved until he was in the light �never left, not leaving.� He stated firmly hoping she could see the truth in his eyes. He wasn�t going to disappear; he wasn�t going to take the chance that she would leave him again.
�I asked if you were in pain pet.� He repeated.
�No.� she said softly trying to regain some control over her shaky emotions. All she wanted was to be left alone so she could cry to her hearts content and let the pain leave with the tears. Maybe she would rock herself to sleep again, pretending that for five minutes someone gave a damn about her instead of her having to be the strong one. Guilt plagued her as she chastised herself for the rampant self pity. No, she didn�t deserve to be held, the things she had done, said, felt. She had to be strong because there was simply no one who cared about her like that, and there never would be.
Spike watched as emotions fled across her face too quick for him to identify.
�What can I do?� he asked. Willow shook her head. Spike walked over to the bed.
�I wasn�t going to tell you this now. I figured it might be a little much, what with this-� he motioned to the hospital �and all.�
�What?� Willow dreaded what she would now have to handle on top of everything else.
Spike saw the look of trepidation and immediately reconsidered his original plan to confess his love.
�What you said in the graveyard, do you remember what you said?�
Willow thought back to arguing with Spike. Distain, disgust, blind hatred.
�Yeah?�
�You were wrong Will. I don�t hate you, you are the closest thing to a best friend I will ever have. I care about you and the idea that you could die-� he struggled with his emotions trying to keep the demon at bay. He looked into her eyes serious �You wouldn�t stay that way. I would find a way to turn you to keep you in my life. I need you, and I am going to stay until you admit you need me too.�
Willow�s eyes were wide �No.�
�Yes.� He was firm �I plan to be around you at all times, as soon as you are well enough to be moved, I am taking you to your parents house where I will stay with you. I will protect you and take care of you.� He enunciated each word to emphasize his seriousness, his eyes hinted at the amber of the demon as he pushed Spike to stake his claim.
�Buffy will thank you.� She decided to go on the offensive.
�What?�
�I�m sure that your devotion to her friends will endear you to her.� She continued in a bored tone.
Spike was growing frustrated and angry �I don�t care about the bleeding Slayer!� he growled �I care about you. Willow.�
Part of her so wanted to believe it but the smart pieces of her, who been let down and broken time and time again hardened her heart. There had to be something wrong with her, no one could care about her, no one ever had. They had all left her so there must be something wrong with her. Either she was unattractive or her personality sucked or� no matter what it was there was no way Spike could mean what he was saying. Everyone knew about his crush on the Slayer, she had seen it first hand during the previous summer, so he was either trying to make Buffy jealous, which would never happen, or he was going to settle for a consolation prize. Repeating that to herself helped fortify her defence- she would never be anything to anyone.
�Whatever. I�m tired.� She said and shifted down the bed �Good night Spike.� She shut her eyes and hoped he�d take the hint and leave.
�Goodnight love.� He said softly sighing and moved to the corner of the room to continue his vigil.
Despite his best assurances that there was no way he was leaving her, a week later he got a message from Giles that there was a demon that they needed help to defeat. He told Willow that he would be back by her side in a matter of hours. After all she was being released tomorrow and he was going to be there to set her up at home. Willow shrugged and turned her attention back to her book. It was hard, harder than he had thought it would be. She still clung to the certainty that he was only doing this either for Buffy or some misguided sense of guilt. He ached to tell her how wrong she was, how much he loved her, but he knew that she wouldn�t believe him just yet. It would be too much for her to handle on top of everything else.
So he went to the Magic Box to hear what the Watcher had to say.
Buffy sat with Dawn cleaning the swords from the weapons chest and Xander ate donuts and poured over large texts trying not to get jelly on them. Giles cleaned his glasses as he lectured them. All in all it seemed like a normal research party.
Buffy looked up �Hey Spike.�
�What�s the emergency?� Spike wanted to know immediately.
�Hi Buffy are you okay, I�m fine Spike how are you?� Buffy muttered.
Spike stared at Giles �I think the Slayer�s gone off the deep end.�
Dawn chuckled at Buffy�s dark look �We need some help fighting a demon *I* found. It beat the crap out of Buffy, it�s called a Kungai demon and did I mention that *I* found it?�
Spike smirked �You might at that pet. Horned big guy, wrinkly forehead?�
�Yeah.� Dawn slumped �you know that one?�
�Pretty strong, the tak horn is capable of consuming its victim�s life force. Mostly found in the Asian communities.�
Xander looked around �Did anyone else have a discovery channel moment?�
Spike rolled his eyes �I assume since you�re all here, and no body parts have been displaced�wait where�s demon girl?�
�Anya said she had an errand to run, she�ll be along soon.� Xander said returning to his book. He did a double take �Wait we know what it is why am I still researching?� he slammed the book shut �You people are a bad influence.�
�So what�s the plan?� Buffy said trying not to laugh.
Spike snatched the sword out of her hands �Back in a few.�
Two hours later Spike was sitting on the counter of the Magic Box while Dawn wrapped his injuries.
�Ow!�
�Don�t be such a baby; it�s only a flesh wound.� Buffy said dismissively.
�Yeah but it�s my flesh.� Spike grumbled.
�And nice flesh it is too.� Came a voice from the door.
�Anya!� Xander complained.
Anya pushed herself away from the door and sashayed to Xander, she was wearing a white halter top and shiny paisley skirt that swayed as she walked. She dropped a bag of donuts on the table next to Xander and gave him a fond smile.
�I�m taken, not blind. Spike is a fine male specimen, Buffy and Dawn agree with me right?�
�Sure.� Said Dawn with a big grin and Buffy mumbled below her breath
Spike smirked at Xander�s exasperated face and Giles� red face.
�Thanks Anya.�
Anya bit her lip and looked at him for a second before reaching into to her pocket.
�Spike I�d like to talk to you alone in the back room.�
Xander jumped to his feet �What? No way.� There was no way he was letting her alone with Spike especially as she�d just admitted that she found him attractive.
�I want to talk Spike about demons and evil vengeance-y things.� Anya said and looked at Spike �Right?�
Spike looked at her suspiciously before saying hesitantly �Uh yeah, that�s right, mutual acquaintances and all.� He had no idea what the chit wanted to see him for, but it would piss off the moron. He just hoped she�d be quick; he wanted to get back to Willow.
He went into the training room with Anya and shut the door.
�So what is it?�
�I know you are in love with Willow.�
The blunt way she said it almost stole his breath- if he had any.
�What?�
�The others may like to live in denial but I�ve seen it. I know how you feel about her. It takes me back.� She sighed happily �I�m sure there�s some prerequisite talk from her friends about evisceration and dismemberment if you hurt her, but I�ll leave that for them.� she pinned him with a look.
�Just know that I have friends who owe me favours.�
�Get to the point.� He shifted uncomfortably.
She cleared her throat �I was going through my mail today when I realised that Willow has been in hospital for over two weeks and no one thought to check her house or her mail, I mean what if she had some urgent call from her parents or bills that needed paying or whatever else it is that humans find so darn necessary.�
�Anya?� he said trying to get her back to the point before she could go off on a human baggage related tirade. �Smart thinking but what�s the problem?�
�So I went to Willows and checked her messages and her mail.� She took a letter out of her pocket and handed it over.
It was a simple white envelope with Willow�s name and address printed neatly. In one corner were faded initials that he couldn�t quite make out and an overseas stamp. He turned the envelope over and took out the sheaf of papers. He read the letter out loud.
�Dear Miss Rosenberg,
As stated in our previous correspondence we�d like to thank you for your interest in a transfer to Oxford University. Having reviewed your case and your achievements to date, we are thrilled to be able to offer you a placement beginning the next scholastic year, beginning in September. No doubt your exceptional grades will continue and in such an atmosphere as Oxford, you will flourish. Enclosed are forms for you to fill in and return which will begin the transfer process. It only leaves for me to say Welcome to Oxford.�
He broke off and stared at Anya �Oxford?�
Anya nodded.
�Bloody hell!� he yelled and threw the papers at the wall �She was going to leave? Without saying anything.� He cursed and Anya jumped back as he hit the wall. �Damn bitch, stupid bloody-� each expletive was followed by a punch to the wall. �Sodding, just going to bloody leave.� As the wall gave way and his hand disappeared into it he gave a choked laugh. He pulled his hand out and put both hands on the wall resting his head against the broken plaster. �Dammit Willow.� He said softly.
Anya turned and left him alone. Xander and Buffy had stood up on hearing the shouts and thumps coming from the room but hadn�t gone inside; they both looked relieved when Anya came out unscathed.
�What was that?� Buffy asked and tentatively added �Is Spike okay?�
�Yes. He just had some bad news from home. Let�s go have sex.� Anya chose her usual blunt way of ending a conversation that she really didn�t want to get into.
Buffy didn�t know whether to go in and see if Spike really was ok or to let him have some alone time. She knew that Willow hadn�t responded the way he�d hoped she would to his confessions of friendship but that he hadn�t given up hope. Buffy was grateful to him to have helped her through the rough times, but when she had almost lost Willow she had taken a step back and realised what she had been neglecting, her friends and family. So she no longer had the peace and tranquillity of heaven, she had her friends and family here with her. She had been pushing them away. Since she had almost lost Willow, Buffy had pushed aside her issues to try to get close to her family again; she never wanted them to doubt her love for them. She still had cravings for Spike and the feelings he could inspire but by pulling closer to Dawn and Giles and Xander, and soon, Willow, those feelings were diminishing.
She looked hesitantly at the door.
�I got it.� Dawn said and went in before Buffy could do anything.
Dawn looked in and saw Spike sitting with his back against the wall, his knees bent and arms draped over them. Above his head there was a hole in the wall.
�You okay Spike?�
He gave a small snort at that �Sure thing Nibblet.�
�I meant is there anything I can do to help?� she knelt next to him.
He shrugged misery etched into every line of his face. He wanted to moan and complain but this was Dawn. The one person who treated him like a hero, a proper vamp, there was no way he was going all pansy assed in front of her. For her, and for Red, he would be a hero. He dragged himself up off the floor and picked up the torn envelope and stuffed it in his duster pocket.
�Just being around you helps, Li�l Bit.� He pulled her into a hug �You�re a right gem.�
Dawn blushed �Thanks Spike.�
Willow sat up in bed trying to ignore the dull pounding in her head. She was being released tomorrow. Then hopefully she could go back to being alone again, the Scooby�s would go back to forgetting about her and she could slip out of their lives easily.
�Hey pet.�
Damn, she�d forgotten about Spike. Although how that was even possible, she didn�t know. *shut up.*
�Hey Spike.� Then she looked at him properly �Oh God Spike What happened, are you okay?�
Spike was surprised until he remembered that he had fought with a Kungai demon not two hours ago.
�Just a demon, love.�
�Come here.� She ordered and pulled a first aid kit out of the side drawer where the nurse had left it.
Spike sat on the bed next to her and breathed in her sweet scent.
�Nibblet patched me up.� He said as he watched her.
�She missed a spot.� Willow grinned as she picked up his hand. His knuckles were covered in blood.
Spike realised that that was where he had punched the wall after Anya�s little revelation. He wanted to pull back in anger, yell at her for trying to run away and leave him, but this was one of the first times Willow had touched him voluntarily and he wasn�t about to give it up.
She cleaned the blood up with some surgical wipes and dabbed gently at the cuts, blowing on them to dry them. Spike hissed at the combination of pain and pleasure, her soft breath against the sharp cuts. It was sweet torture.
He shifted on the bed trying to hide his condition.
�Oh did I hurt you?� Willow said as he flinched.
�No.� he bit out.
She finished cleaning the cut and sat back. �So I get out of here tomorrow. I just want you to know how much I appreciate all that you�ve done for me.�
Spike had to grin.
�I know how difficult I�ve been and yet you�ve stayed here, its meant a lot-�
�It�s not going to work, pet.� Spike said still grinning. Willow stopped mid flow confused.
�What?�
He sat back and put his feet on the bed �The big brush off speech, thanks for everything, you�ve been great�now sod off. I�m sticking around.�
Willow�s heart dropped �There�s really no need, I�m fine and when I get out tomorrow-�
�I already moved my stuff into your basement,� he continued ignoring her �Set up some curtains so I don�t get a sunny awakening.�
Willow was frustrated �Why?�
�I don�t want to be dust love.� He deliberately misunderstood �Now the Dr�s have said t� take it easy for a while so I got the Slayer to pick up your assignments from College,�
�Stop it.�
�-which you can do at home.�
�Stop it.�
�I�ll be around all the time to help,�
�Please just Stop.�
�Plus if you need to go out anywhere I have the Desoto or I can walk you.�
�SPIKE!� she yelled.
He blinked innocently �Yes Red?�
�What are you doing, why are you doing this?�
�Doing what?�
�I have been taking care of myself since I was six years old, Xander too, I don�t need a babysitter!�
He sat up and pointed at her �That�s exactly it, you have been taking care of everyone else since before you should have to take care of yourself. Its time someone took care of you, and that�s my job.�
�I don�t need you.� She said obstinately missing the flash of hurt in his eyes.
�Tough bollocks.� He replied succinctly �I�m taking care of you from here on out.�
As she felt the rising of panic and anger and despair well up in her chest she automatically adapted her breathing and dropped her defences in place �Whatever.�
Spike could tell that she was using the technique that she had created to help her deal with life on the Hellmouth, the one that had landed her in a coma. He wanted to shout at her to talk to him, to put her pain on him, tell him how she felt inside, what made her corner insides herself and shut out the world. But would that help- or would it push her away?
Well he wouldn�t quit, he had cornered the market on stubborn and he had an added interest. He was in love with her. He sat back smirking, he could wait.
Willow glared at Spike trying to channel the Hellmouth�s power for her own good. Laser beam eyes would be so much fun.
�You can quit glaring at me pet.� He said without looking over his shoulder �I�m doing this.�
�So you said.� She was fed up. She had been trying all day to get rid of Spike so she could build up her defences or just sit quietly, maybe meditate. But no, Mr arrogant hadn�t left her alone all day, in fact since they since they had got back from the hospital that morning, he�d been like a shadow; an annoying bleach blonde sarcastic shadow.
Now he had made her sit in the kitchen where he could watch her and was making her lunch.
Despite her assurances that she could make lunch herself, she wasn�t an invalid, he forged ahead clattering away with pots and pans keeping up a one sided conversation.
�The Slayer is bringing over your school work, but you gotta take it easy for a while, all your professors agree that you should start slow. No point in getting over your head.�
�I happen to do really well in my classes� thank you very much.� Willow was slightly insulted; she�d always done well at school.
�I know that, but what with your breakdown and all-�
�It was not a breakdown.� Willow growled between clenched teeth.
Spike turned so she could see his raised eyebrow. It was odd how that eyebrow had a language all its own, this time it said *Oh really?*
�I�m going upstairs.� She announced but before she�d got two steps Spike stood in front of her. *Damn Vampiric speed!*
�You need to eat, so sit that pretty ass down, love.� His tone was pleasant but the look in his eyes brooked no argument.
�No.� she felt childish and wondered what he�d do if she stamped her foot.
�You need to eat. Now if you don�t sit by yourself then I�ll have to help you.�
�Can�t. You have a chip, you can�t hurt me.�
Spike pouted �I�d never hurt you Red, I think I could make you without setting off the chip.�
�Not if I don�t want to.�
Spike decided to change tactics �If I can�t get you to eat, then I�ll have to call one of the others to come over and stay with us, just think two of us around *all* the time; watching you.�
�You wouldn�t?� Willow was uncertain.
�Try me.� His eyes were hard, but as Willow slumped in defeat his grin returned and he steered her to her seat.
�Now I made a good old fashioned British Fry up. Bacon, eggs, sausage, tomatoes, fried bread, mushrooms and hash browns. Store bought, didn�t have enough time to make �em.� He wrinkled his nose �They�ll have to do for now.�
�How d�you know I�m not Kosher- hello Jewish?�
�Ex- Jewish Wiccan.� He corrected �Plus whenever you go out for fast food, you have a double bacon burger with extra peppers and gherkin, no mayo, salad on the side.�
Willow�s jaw dropped �How did you-?�
�Eat up.� He insisted as he laid the full plate in front of her and sat with one in front of himself.
�I don�t think I can finish all this.� She confessed looking at the food.
Spike sighed �That�s the trouble with birds these days, all trying to starve themselves into a state, in my day women had curves, proper figures, something you could hold onto in bed. Soft womanly curves.� He looked dreamy eyed for a moment.
�You need a moment alone?� Willow said with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
Spike looked startled at the fact that she was teasing �Nah, I got you here, that�s so much better than my own company.�
Willow blushed and returned to her food. She didn�t know whether he was serious when he was saying this stuff. It occurred to her that if Spike was hanging around because of Buffy then the only way she could get rid of him, was if Buffy said something. But in the meantime, if she could prove that she was fine, getting better then he would be more likely to leave her alone. Plus it made for a better atmosphere if she wasn�t constantly fighting him. Um�where did all the food go?
�Guess you were hungry pet?� Spike said grinning at her bewilderment at her empty plate. She had been packing it in with a rapturous look on her face. He actually envied the tomatoes, the way she had licked the juice off the fork with her little pink tongue.
�Uh, yeah it was great. You�re a good cook.�
�Now I�ll clean up, you go in the other room and let it go down.�
Willow left without protesting, even if he was a room away it meant that she�d get some free time to herself. She eased down on the couch.
It was the first time she had been alone since the�accident? She still wasn�t sure what had happened to her in the graveyard. She�d been mad at the world, and Buffy and then Spike had started on at her and she just wanted him to shut up, then the world started spinning and darkness fell. She had odd memories of conversations happening around her while she was unconscious, bizarre things that she must have dreamt like Spike crying, conversations between Buffy and Spike, the constant presence of the bleached one. What had happened? The Doctor said it was caused by a reaction to the repression of emotion. She would have to be more careful.
Spike stood in the doorway drying his hands watching her thinking; she had this far away look on her face. He wondered if she could tell that he was wrapped around her little finger; that each word she said had the power to hurt him, to elate him, to make him feel.
He belonged to her heart, body and� well wherever his soul was she could have that too.
�Hey pet.� he said softly not wanting to break into her thoughts too quickly.
�Please just give me a minute.� she asked quietly, her eyes closed tight.
�Can�t do that.� He answered regretfully �talk to me love.�
She shook her head �Nothing to say.�
�So how about I talk then.� Spike sat next to her �While you were unconscious the Doc told us some interesting things.�
�What was that?�
�That to get to the state you were in you probably had some sort of mechanism for dealing with stuff.�
�Stuff?� she raised an eyebrow �Highly psychological.�
�Did you faint a lot? Stop eating? Cry?� he questioned looking intensely at her.
�Drop dead Spike.� She glared at him.
�Already have done.� He returned cheerfully.
�Encore!�
She was pissed off and had had enough of this conversation. She stood up.
�I�m going to bed.�
�Fine.� Spike said, his eyes hard �Run away little girl, but gotta say pet, thought you were braver than that.�
The fight went out of Willow.
�I�m tired, Spike. So very tired.� She wrapped her arms around herself and seemingly shrunk in size.
Spike stood and rubbed her arms �Tell me.�
�I-I d-don�t-� she shook �Sorry.�
Spike leaned down and placed his arms under her legs, picking her up and cradling her against his chest. He took the stairs two at a time and entered her bedroom.
He laid her on the bed and lay next to her just holding her.
�It�s ok Red. Just sleep, I�ll be here in the morning.�
She nodded still shaking. What was happening to her?
As the morning came Willow opened her eyes to find piercing blue ones staring at her. She avoided his gaze with a blush. Had she bothered to try identifying it she would have seen the reverence that it held. To him, she was perfect and he had spent all night just laying there marvelling at the feel of her in his arms and fantasizing that he had the right to lean over and press his lips to hers, the right to caress her body and sheath himself in her warmth. But it was just a fantasy and if she woke up while he was indulging himself then they would right back where they started. There would also be stakes and holy water involved.
�Morning love.�
�Hey. Look before you start can we just not do this today, I haven�t got the strength.� She asked her face vulnerable to him.
He nodded slowly �Ok, not today, but we will talk about this, I assume you realise that there *is* something to talk about?�
�Yeah.� Willow acknowledged it for the first time to herself. �There is.�
Progress! Spike felt like jumping up and down. Instead he settled for a smile.
�How �bout I rustle us up breakfast?�
That day was a revelation for Spike. He almost didn�t need her to say anything once it was done, he was there, and he knew it all. And he hadn�t got a clue what to do about it.
It began innocently enough. He made them breakfast and then with the threat of that subject being mentioned lifted, their camaraderie was evident.
After breakfast he cleared up and they sat in the living room together. He mentioned her European History class and they talked about Europe and all the places Willow would love to visit and what Spike had thought when he�d seen them. The conversation turned to literature and movies and art. It was the most they�d ever spoken to each other and he was surprised to see how much they had in common. He knew that she was smart but he never truly realised how smart, and not just book smarts either, the girl had common sense and knew when to use it. She also had a dark wit which left him in hysterics on a few occasions. He revelled in the opportunity to get to know as much about her as possible and to spend this much time with her alone.
Then the phone rang.
Willow stiffened at the intrusion into her nice little isolation with Spike, who, as it turned out, was actually a pretty great guy.
Spike picked it up when it was obvious that Willow wouldn�t.
�Hello?�
�Spike?� came a familiar voice.
�Yeah, what�s up Watcher?�
�I-is Willow there?� Spike turned to Willow.
�Let me see if she�s awake.�
He covered the receiver �Pet?�
Willow reached over slowly and pushed the speaker button �Hey Giles.�
�Willow, I hope you�re feeling better.� He rushed on before she could answer, had she been inclined to do so. �I couldn�t find the Stanford Mass Chronicle and I-I wondered if you-�
�It was in the back of the store, on the third shelf up next to the Stanford idol. But if you were looking for more information on that Mullard demon, I printed out all the stuff from the net and left it in a pile by the telephone.�
�Oh, yes here it is� hmm�I see� do they need that many victims?�
�Ritual and rights, the more victims the more honour the sacrifice has to offer their Gods. Mullard�s have strong religious beliefs.�
�Yes, perhaps we could find where their base is.�
�The signs all point to somewhere with all the elements surrounding them, so near a water source, with plenty of earth, fire and wind. Try the industrial district, reservoirs or furnaces.�
�Yes, I�m sure the cities planning schematics would be helpful, thank you Willow, Buffy will pick them up when she drops by later. Bye.�
The phone went dead before she could reply.
She avoided Spike�s piercing gaze and shrugged. He replaced the receiver.
�Isn�t *he* supposed to be the Watcher?�
Willow gave a bitter grin �You�d think so huh?�
Spike had a bad feeling in his gut but pushed it aside �Hey I spotted some board games upstairs fancy a game?�
Willow nodded �I feel in a scrabble mood.�
Willow couldn�t stop laughing; she hadn�t had so much fun in ages.
�Spike you can�t use Fyarl words in Scrabble!�
�Oh come on pet, why not?� he loved watching her laugh.
�Because they use a totally different alphabet which is not based on a 24 letter medium so the words cannot be translated directly into English, I don�t speak Fyarl and plus it�s cheating.�
�Well that is a different language!� he pointed at her last word.
�Is not!� she gasped indignantly �It�s a legal term.�
�Like I said different language.� He added proudly and Willow giggled again.
�Ok so how about this.� He put his word down.
�Fine kisses for twenty points.�
�I�d give you kisses for free, love.� He leered and Willow blushed.
�I�m still winning here.� she pointed out and he shrugged.
�Was never much good with words, much better with actions.� He raised an eyebrow.
�I don�t know about that Spike, I always thought you were pretty good with the words.�
�Well I am nearly perfect!� he sighed �It�s a tough job but-�
�Oh someone�s got an ego!� she mocked laughingly.
Then the doorbell rang and all traces of amusement fled from her features.
She looked up at the clock �Four thirty, that�ll be Buffy and Dawn.�
Spike got up slowly, unwilling to let the Slayer and the Li�l bit intrude on their alone time.
�Hey Spike!� Dawn chirped as he kept well out of the sunlight.
��llo.� He greeted with a nod as Buffy and Dawn walked in.
�Willow!� Dawn jumped and hugged the redhead �You ok?� she dropped her bag and sat next to her on the sofa.
�We had such a killer test today, all about the history of America, huh like I care!�
�Did you do well?� Willow asked as she watched Buffy go into the kitchen to fix herself a drink.
�Nah everyone flunked major so we have to do this work sheet and redo the test tomorrow. Help?�
�Sure.� Willow held out her hand and the work sheet miraculously appeared. �You go sit over there and I�ll be there in a minute, my History books are upstairs.�
�I could get them for you pet.� Spike offered.
�Ok.� She gave him a big smile which made his heart flutter �It�s the big blue one on the shelf above my bed.�
�Got it.� He left the room thinking deeply.
Buffy came in the room and watched Willow with hooded eyes.
�Everything okay Wills?�
�Fine.� Willow gave her a grin which was as fake as the sentiment she had just expressed. �Actually I want to talk to you,� she heard Spike come down the stairs �Later, if that�s okay?�
�Sure I hafta get to Giles.� Buffy glanced over her shoulder at Spike and said �You can take care of Dawn right Wills?� she didn�t wait for a reply but left, her eyes still on Spike.
�When did you turn into a glorified babysitter and tutor?� Spike frowned as Willow shrugged and went to help Dawn with her homework.
Spike got this sinking feeling which the Captain of the Titanic may have identified with.
Willow, Spike and Dawn walked to the Magic Box together. Spike stood as close to Willow as he could without holding her hand. He had made them all something to eat before coming out, he could handle Dawn thinking him domesticated but threatened her if any of the others found out about it. Willow kept shooting him suspicious looks as if something didn�t totally add up and he hoped that she was beginning to believe that he was there of his own volition, not under the Slayer�s instruction.
Xander was already there at the Magic Box scoffing a packet of donuts to himself. Giles was rifling through books and Buffy was in the back training.
Willow sat at the table.
�Hey Xand.�
�Hey Wills. You look better.� She nodded.
�Where�s Anya.�
�We had another fight. Could you come over later and have another word with her about proper public conversations?� he pleaded �She started talking about Orgasms in the Supermarket again, I thought the cashier was going to have a heart attack.�
Willow grinned at him. �Sure.�
Spike mentally unscrewed Xander�s head and spat down his neck. The chip twinged and he winced. *Weren�t any of them going to ask if she was ok, I mean she only got out of Hospital yesterday and today they are all like �Help me Willow. Research for me, do my homework for me, baby sit for me, talk to my demon girlfriend for me�*
�Ah Willow did you print off the City schematics?� Giles asked as he stepped into the room.
�I printed them off a few weeks ago and put them under the counter, along with a list of all major renovations, sewer access points, rail routes, demon and Vampire lairs and sightings.� She answered tiredly �Check under the counter.�
Giles looked under the cash register desk and found the blue prints.
�Yes I see, silly me.�
�I�m sure you�re welcome Watcher.� Spike growled surprising Willow.
�What?� Giles looked up and flushed as he caught Spike�s meaning �Oh I�m sorry Thank you Willow.�
Willow looked at Spike oddly. �I need to see Buffy.� She got up and walked to the training area.
�Hey Buffy.�
�Wills.� Buffy dropped her fighting stance and sat on the mat. Willow walked over and sat on the horse. For a few moments there was silence.
�Redecorating?� Willow pointed to a fist shaped hole about halfway up the wall.
�Not me.� Buffy said lightly �What did you want to talk about?�
Willow bit her lip �I can take care of myself, I don�t need his help. Call him off.�
Buffy looked puzzled �What?�
�Spike.� Willow breathed �This whole staying by my side 24/7 deal you got going on. I appreciate the concern but I am fine.�
Buffy just looked more perplexed �Wills I have no idea what you�re talking about.�
�Did you ask Spike to take care of me?� she said slowly.
Buffy shook her head �No.� it was Willow�s turn to look confused.
�Oh.�
�Ac-actually Willow, there�s something I have wanted to say to you for quite a while now. Its kinda, um� well it might come as a bit of a shock.�
�Oh?� she said again.
�I think you bought me back wrong.�
Willow blinked. Her incredulity masked beneath a passive exterior.
�Excuse me?�
Buffy got up and began to pace.
�I�m not saying you did it on purpose, but I came back wrong. Spike can hurt me. Without the chip going haywire and people react differently to me.� She bit her lip. Ok so Spike wasn�t in love with her anymore, which was because she was different right? �I think I left part of me behind when you dragged me out of heaven. I feel different, and my emotions the way I react are different.� She couldn�t come up with a better word. Different.
Willow clenched her jaw �It was a traumatic event; of course you are going to be different.�
Buffy shrugged �I need you to look into the spell you used to bring me back. Fix me.�
Fix me? Willow couldn�t even fix herself. She felt nauseous.
�I�ll look into it.� Her voice sounded far away.
Buffy smiled relieved �Thanks Will.�
Willow turned and blindly stumbled for the door.
�G-Giles?� came her faint call.
�Yes Willow??
�Do you need me for anything?�
�No Willow we don�t need you.�
We don�t need you. And there you have it. Fix me. They don�t need you. Help me? We don�t need you. Talk to her for me? No one needs you. Fix me. Time to go.
Fix me.
Then suddenly a voice amongst the madness.
�I need you, and I am going to stay until you admit you need me too.�
�Spike?� he was at her side in an instant. She looked so pale.
�Yeah, pet?�
�C-can you take me home, I don�t feel so good.�
He took her by the hand and led her out of the building ignoring the looks Xander and Giles were giving him.
As the night air hit, Willow took large gulps.
�Are you okay love. Did you overdo it?�
�No.� she replied shakily �I�m fine.� But she wasn�t. She *really* wasn�t. She was slowly breaking apart inside and there was no one to pick up the pieces, she was falling and there was no one to catch her.
She ran to the nearest tree and hurled up everything that Spike had made her eat that day. She heaved and heaved until her throat was raw, her shoulders shaking with unrestrained pain and stifled sobs. Then amidst the pain she felt it. A strong hand stroking her back and whispered words half caught by the wind.
�Shh love it�s alright. It�s all alright.�
Willow turned to him with shaky resolve �You are not here because Buffy made you. Are you?�
�No.� he had no idea where this was coming from.
�O-or Giles or Xander?�
�I�m here because I want to be.� He urged her to believe him.
�Promise?� it seemed important so he said the words he rarely spoke.
�I promise.� His soft words seemed to break some sort of dam in Willow and she threw herself into his arms.
�I can�t do this anymore. Spike, I can�t. I thought I was strong but I�m not.�
Spike looked bewildered at the redhead in his arms and did the only thing he thought he could do. He picked her up and cradled her against his chest, taking her home.
�Love?� he talked to her as he carried her home �we�re nearly home, how about I make you some soup or hot chocolate. We could have ice cream� although you probably wouldn�t want that after being sick.�
Willow was soothed by his babbling. It was almost cute.
He opened the door and took Willow up the stairs to her room. He placed her on the bed and pulled off her shoes.
�Spike?� she whispered.
�Yeah?� he said as he pulled her sweater off.
�Why are you here?� she seemed to need reassurance.
�Because I care about you.� Love you, adore you, and want to worship you.
�Hold me?� her voice was like a child�s.
�Forever.� He vowed as he lay next to her and enveloped her in his embrace.
�I don�t think I can take much more.� She said after a moment almost conversationally.
�Much more of what?�
�That�s it, I�m not sure.� She hesitated �It�s too confusing. They need me but they don�t. I�m the first line of defence but no one needs me around.� Spike didn�t know what to say. She was right; it was in the way they all acted around her. Like it didn�t matter if she took off tomorrow and never came back but at the same time they were unaware that if she did they would cease to function. She was the heart� and they were ripping it out.
�I-I thought that when she was back, it would get better but it didn�t. Not for me. Everyone else� it was better but it was still dark for me. I-is that my fault? I thought she would come back and it would be like it was but everything is so wrong. So very wrong.� To her shock a hot tear came out of her eyes. She hadn�t cried in what seemed like an age.
�I�m sorry; you don�t want to hear this.�
�I do. Willow.� His use of her real name shocked her even more than the tear had done.
�No, it was better for you when she came back. You love her. I should shut up.�
�I thought I loved her. I really did, it took a long time, almost all summer to realise that what I felt� it was love but not the kind I thought it was. I loved Buffy like I loved Nibblet. As a sister, maybe even a friend. I wasn�t in love with her.�
�But the Buffybot-�
�Was a mistake. Shoulda been a Willowbot. I wonder if Warren�s still around.� He teased and Willow giggled lightly before the cloud settled back on her heart. Spike was being great but there was no way she could put voice to the things in her heart, he wouldn�t understand and she would lose him too.
�I need to sleep.�
�You can let me in Red. I�m here for you, I promise I�m not going anywhere, you can tell me anything.� He kissed the top of her hair �Anything you want, love.�
A lot could happen in two months. Spike had become a permanent part of Willow�s life.
Every morning she would wake up to Spike cooking her breakfast and they would chat over coffee and blood, before Willow settled down to do the assignments bought over the night before by Buffy. Spike often sat with her pretending to be engrossed in the television but was really just watching her; some times he even helped with her homework. The afternoons were spent talking to each other, playing games, watching movies and just hanging out. As Evening came around Dawn and Buffy would come over and then they�d go to Giles� to research. If there was no creature, prophecy or apocalypse to research Spike would make sure that he got Willow as far away from the others as possible. They went to the movies or the gallery, museums, theatre and even the mall.
Spike was oh so gently and not so subtly courting Willow to the best of his abilities and Willow thrived under his attentions. She smiled and laughed more, the shadows began to disappear from her eyes and the light reappeared in her face. But she was still no closer to opening up about what was hurting her than before, at times Spike felt her withdraw into herself to mull over the private torment and just wished that there was something he could do. Of course it�s always smart to be careful what you wish for.
Living with Willow, spending his unlife with her, was wonderful, it was the closest his demon would ever come to being in heaven but the shadow of what was wrong always hung over their time and he wished he was brave enough to force the issue no matter the consequences- even if it meant losing her, because eventually, the secret would eat her up inside and he would lose her that way too.
That night Spike took her to the Museum, he managed to get inside while it was sunny and even though he was a bit singed, it was well worth it to see Willow�s face beam as she looked at the exhibits.
�You like this one?� he said staring at the painting; it was one Willow had been staring at for while with a smile on her face. It looked simple to him, just a night scene, the full moon on water, and some cliffs. Maybe it was the full moon that had her entranced. Perhaps it reminded her of the wolf boy. He nearly swore at the thought, stuffing his hands deep in his pockets.
�It�s on loan from the New Walk Museum in England. It�s lovely.� Willow grinned �Can you see it?�
Spike stared at her in surprise �Uh, Vampire vision love, of course I can see it.�
�No, the other picture?�
Spike squinted at the painting �What other picture, is it one of those Magic eye things?�
Willow took his hand gently and pulled him close to her so he was on her eyes level. She pointed to the centre of the painting between the moon and the ocean and tilted her head to the side. Spike followed her motions and realised that there was an eye in the middle of the picture, very faint, but it was there. If you looked really hard you could see the portrait of a lady hidden under the moonlight picture.
�The artist did the picture of the Lady and then decided he didn�t like it so he painted the moon scene over the top. That�s what I like. The hidden parts, it all makes the whole so much better because other wise it�s just another landscape. A secret story that lies underneath is what makes it special and not many people see that.�
�You always see the hidden parts love, that�s your gift.� Spike said not sure whether he was still talking about the painting or not. He slipped his arms around her waist and kissed her forehead.
Willow found herself relaxing back into his embrace. It felt nice to have someone else take care of her for a change.
�Thank you.� She said softly
�What for pet?� he asked rubbing his lips over her soft hair.
�Being here and not running away.� She turned and planted a kiss on his cheek �It means a lot.� Then she smiled.
It was that smile, the sweet yet sensual curve of her mouth which undid all of Spike�s resolve to give her time and he leaned forward to capture her lips. After her initial surprise she closed her eyes and just felt Spike�s soft mouth caressing hers, sucking on her bottom lip and making her feel funny inside. He waited until she needed to breathe and then snaked his tongue into the warm cavern of her mouth. She tasted so delicious, like Vanilla and that chocolate they�d had before they�d come out. He could do this all day every day for all eternity. But because oxygen was becoming an issue he pulled away.
�You�re welcome pet.� He said making sure she watched his eyes which promised something she wasn�t sure she was ready for. She blushed in that adorable way of hers and looked back at the picture relaxing back in his arms.
The next night they had been called to Giles� for a brief research session. Willow and Spike had driven over in Spike�s Desoto since the weather had decided to do its own rendition of Noah�s flood.
They all sat around doing little research and listening to the rain.
Spike kept sneaking glances at Willow when he thought she wasn�t looking and didn�t notice that Buffy had been watching him just as closely as he had been watching Willow.
Buffy turned and eyed Willow
�Will, how�s that research coming on?� she asked quietly not wanting to draw attention to the conversation
Willow jumped; she had been involved in her book.
�What research?�
Buffy just kept her eyes on her until Willow remembered what Buffy had asked her to do �Oh that research. I haven�t found anything wrong Buffy. I went over everything and then I did it again. The best I can figure is that when you got pulled back here, there was a mark left on your aura, sort of a molecular suntan, it must screw up the signals that get sent to his chip but there is nothing wrong with you Buffy.�
Buffy felt her heart miss a beat �You�re wrong.� She said and got up abruptly stomping off into the back room.
Willow was surprised as Buffy walked away. Spike caught her eye and got up to follow Buffy.
Willow didn�t know what to say or do. She bit her lip and wondered whether to follow or let Spike handle it. He�d been great these last few weeks; she honestly didn�t know what she�d have done without him. Maybe fallen to pieces totally.
Spike opened the door to the training room and followed Buffy who was pacing in the small space.
�Buffy?� he asked curiously �what�s wrong?�
Buffy spun on her heel and glared at him �What the hell do you care?� she spat. Spike was taken aback
�Just asking love.�
�Don�t do that. I�m not your pet and I�m sure as hell not your love.�
�What�s got your knickers in a bunch?� he was getting annoyed with her snarling at him, he had better things he could be doing, like stare at Willow and think about the sweet kisses they shared last night and the progress he had finally made with her.
Willow decided it want fair to Spike to let him bear the brunt of Buffy�s anger. She got up and went to the training room, the door was opened slightly.
�You and your little girlfriend, so sickeningly sweet. Does she make you feel like I do Spike?� she added with an evil smile as she stalked to him and ran her hands up his chest �Does she kiss you like I do, can you take her hard and fast up against the wall of your crypt?�
�Buffy-� his annoyed voice came out deep and husky
�Oh hasn�t little Miss Repression opened her legs for you yet?� Buffy scoffed. �Do you need a little tension release Spike?� she rubbed her hand over his jeans.
Spike hissed and grabbed her hands he moved his face lower to hers �What are you doing?� he growled almost inaudible �I said no.�
�Like Willow could give you what I can, she hasn�t got Slayer stamina for one thing.� She smirked �She doesn�t have our history. She can never be me. She had to bring me out of heaven because she couldn�t hack it.�
�You�re not her.�
�If you needed some place warm to stay so bad, all you had to do was ask. You know I would have helped you. Like you helped me.� She pouted.
�Knock it off Slayer.� Spike�s demon began to show in his amber eyes
�Does Willow know your ulterior motive for helping her out?� she asked archly.
�Are you gonna tell her?� Spike shrugged �Like I care.� And he didn�t, Willow was ready to hear that he loved her, hell he was going to tell her himself tonight.
�That right?� Buffy moved closer.
Willow couldn�t listen to any more. It was all a lie. Everything that Spike had been saying was all a lie; he had been sleeping with Buffy. He had an ulterior motive for helping her out�Buffy? He�d lied, saying that he was doing it because he wanted to; it was obvious that Buffy had made him do it and was getting jealous. But as she had just heard, Spike didn�t care whether she found out or not. They both thought that Willow had bought Buffy back because she couldn�t cope, because she would never be the Slayer.
Willow walked through the Magic box as if her legs were made of water. The room was spinning again.
�Air.� She whispered and stared at the door like it held the answers to the universe. The door opened by itself and she walked out into the deluge. The rain plastered down her hair within seconds and she felt it drip into her eyes. She wrapped her arms around her middle and didn�t even care enough to go back inside to fetch her jacket. She walked down the street.
Her heart hurt. Why did her heart hurt so much? Is it because of what Buffy was saying or was there something else?
The park was deserted this time of night and even the Vampires avoided the rain. So Willow walked slowly through the rain slicked streets feeling the pounding of drops on her head and running over her body like streams of tears that she just couldn�t cry.
She had no idea how long she had been walking. The darkness had already fallen before she had gotten to the Magic Box with him and now it all looked the same. She looked up to find herself in front of the Mansion in Crawford Street with its creepy blacked out windows and dark wrap around porch. She curled her arms around herself and leaned her back against one of the supporting pillars. She slowly slid to the floor of the rotting wooden porch and leaned heavily against the beam. From the distance she could hear a car radio playing through the rain echoing loudly in her brain.
Everybody's free, everybody's free, everybody's free
Everybody's free, everybody's free, to feel good, to feel good
Brother and sister together will make it through oh, huh yeah
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there, just helping you out whenever I can
Everybody's free oh yeah, yeah
Oh Every ho yeah
Oh to feel good
Oh to feel good
Everybody's free, everybody's free
Everybody's free, everybody's free, everybody's free, to feel good
She recognised the song from that Romeo and Juliet film. It was strange that such a beautiful song played at the wedding felt perfectly in harmony with her feelings. She could be free, she had been. When Spike was there to help her, he had been there to guide her and he had stopped the hurting. But now it seemed that he had been part of a different agenda; one that hurt like hell, because somewhere along the way she had fallen in love with him.
Spike growled at Buffy and pushed her away from him.
�Yeah that�s right.� He snapped �I love her and I don�t care if she knows it. We are over Slayer, I thought you understood that.�
�I need you.� She begged with her eyes.
�No.� he glowered �I love Willow. I tried to help you Buffy but you have to help yourself. What happened?�
She sagged �I didn�t come back wrong.�
�What?�
�I thought that I came back wrong, that was why I was so different. Trying to have sex with you, letting you hurt me. People react differently to me. I thought that Willow had bought me back wrong and that if she could just fix what she had got wrong then it could go back to how it was.�
�You asked Red to fix you?� he was incredulous �She�s only just got out of hospital herself. Doesn�t any of you damn Scooby�s ever give a shit about what Red wants?� he started to pace �That�s what set the damn episode off in the first place you are all take, take, take but never give. None of you give a crap about what she is going through as long as you are all okay. Selfish bastards.�
Buffy was crying �I�m sorry, I just needed-�
�Newsflash Buffy, I don�t care!� he yelled and ran his hand through his hair �Damn it I should never have agreed to your scheme in the first sodding place. This all stops here, it stops now. No more.� He grabbed her arm and shook her �Got it?�
She nodded.
�And no more asking Red to fix your crap, she has her own to deal with.� He dropped her and stalked to the door.
�I�m sorry.� she bit out as he got to the door �I didn�t mean any of what I said about Willow. I was just so jealous because she seemed to get it. She was leader and she was mom and she was Wicca and she was girlfriend and she could do it all, in a way that I never could.�
�My baby is one of a kind.� He said quietly.
�I know you love her, she�s lucky.�
�Not half as much as I am.� He left the training room with a huge weight lifted from his shoulders.
Spike walked into the Magic Box and looked around, Willow wasn�t there.
�Where�s Red gone?� he asked Dawn who was pouring over her homework. She shrugged and scowled at her trig homework.
�Moron?� Xander pulled his lips away from Anya�s.
�What?�
�Red?� he gestured around �Where is she?�
Xander searched his mind �Training room with Buffy.� he settled on.
Spike shook his head �No she�s not.�
Xander shrugged �That�s where she was headed.�
Spike frowned; maybe she was in the kitchen. No. The bathroom? No. Spike began to panic, where was she? Had she fled from the stupid, selfish Slayers irrational demands? He looked to the window where the rain was pouring down.
He pulled on his duster and ran outside.
�Red? WILLOW?� he yelled over the sound of hammering rain. But there was no reply. What if the stupid slayer had hurt her with that whole Fix me crap? He had to find Willow.
He jumped in the Desoto and drove through the streets keeping an eye out for a drenched redhead. He pulled up outside her house and leaped out of the car leaving the engine running and the door open and ran to the front door fumbling with the key Willow had given him a few days ago.
�WILLOW?� he called up the stairs but even with his senses off he could tell that there was no one in the house.
He slammed the front door behind him as he headed for the nearest cemetery; he rolled the windows down so the rain didn�t obstruct his view.
Hell, if his Red had gotten hurt because of the stupid Slayer, chip or not he was going to kill her. He drove by the cemetery closest to the Watchers, the one closest to Willow�s place, the several in between and then he headed for Willies thinking that maybe some demon knew where she was. None of them had seen a redhead outside tonight. He drove like a mad man to the Bronze where he used a payphone to call Giles and ask if Willow had come back, then her house to see if she had gone a different way to get there. He was just about to vamp out there and then and demand that someone tell him where Willow was before he tested how much pain he could stand from the chip when he overheard two ditsy girls talking.
�Like, she was so rude. Just banged into me and didn�t even stop.�
�Come on Missy she looked kinda upset, she didn�t even have her coat and she was soaked. Any one who walks around Sunnydale looking like that has other things on her mind.�
�Excuse me?� Spike put on his most charming voice and turned to the two girls �I�m looking for my girlfriend; we had a bit of a fight. This girl you�re talking about what did she look like?�
�I don�t think she was your type hon.� Missy said with an appreciative look at him.
Her friend glared at her �She was about five six, dark hair�it was kinda wet.� She said apologetically �Uh she was in blue jeans and a green sweater.�
�That�s her.� Spike swallowed �Where did you see her?�
�We were just coming from Cavendish.�
�Isn�t that near Crawford Street?� No, she hadn�t gone there? Had she?
The girl nodded �That�s it.�
�Thanks.� Spike gave her a smile and ran out.
�Wow, what a hottie!� Missy simpered.
�And totally taken, did you see the look in his eyes. Lucky girl.�
Willow didn�t feel lucky. She felt hurt and betrayed and useless and more numb than she had felt before her break down. Her thoughts swam around her head and threatened to knock her out. She had been letting her defences down, been letting Spike in only to realise that there was nothing to hide behind now he had betrayed her.
And she had done it to herself, she had let him in, she had fallen for him. Goddess didn�t she ever learn? Oz, Xander, Tara� they had all left her for other people or for something she didn�t have or couldn�t give, she knew that so why had she let Spike in? Did she want to be hurt? She banged her head against the wooden beam and called herself every name under the sun. Fool, idiot, gullible just falling for a pretty face and a handful of lies, allowing herself to believe that-.
�Red?� she hadn�t even heard the car pull up. She looked up into his face. His beautiful, god-like, perfectly sculpted lying, two faced, betraying, back stabbing face.
She turned back to the post trying to will him to go away.
�Red are you okay Baby?� she closed her eyes against the pain that that statement bought.
Spike looked as his precious redhead sat huddled against one of the rotting wooden beams that surrounded the porch of the Mansion, her head lay against the wood seeking its comfort. Well he was here now.
�Red are you okay Baby?� she closed her eyes and Spike bought his hand up to touch her shoulder �Red?�
She pulled away from his hand and stared up at him with eyes that chilled him to his unbeating heart.
�Don�t touch me.�
Spike knelt down and peered into her eyes �Love, what�s wrong?�
Willow stood up abruptly and edged away from him like he was a dangerous animal. Spike was confused, was she sick? Had the rain made her see things?
�Will?�
�Go away.� She whispered. If he hadn�t had Vampire hearing he wouldn�t have heard her. He fought against the sudden feeling of hurt, she didn�t mean it she was upset about something and was just lashing out.
�Come on love tell me what�s wrong.�
�I�m not your love, Spike. And I don�t want to talk to you.� She turned to walk away but Spike grabbed her wrist.
�Willow?� he asked hesitantly �What is it?�
�Nothing.� She wrenched her wrist away from him �And I said don�t touch me.�
He was truly puzzled now and much more than a little hurt. He dashed in front of her.
�I know that it�s not nothing, so tell me what I can do.� He urged.
�You want to know what you can do?� he nodded �Don�t touch me, don�t talk to me, just turn around and walk away because I never ever want to see you again.� She said coldly. Each word stabbed Spike like a knife.
�Wh-?� he couldn�t even finish the word, he watched as she walked away her little head bent against the wind and rain.
He snapped out of it suddenly as her arms went around her waist to hold herself.
�Red wait, what�s wrong, what happened?� he planted himself in front of her ignoring how wet he was getting. He needed to know what was wrong with Willow, why she looked at him with such pain in her eyes. �You can tell me pet, you know I would do anything to help you.�
Willow�s eyes widened in disbelief �I think you�ve helped me enough.� She spat at him. �I don�t need *your* kind of help.�
�What the hell have *I* done?�
�Oh nothing wrong.� She smiled cruelly �You played your part like a pro. Really I was completely taken in. I honestly believed that you gave damn and here I thought Angelus was the Master actor in the family, just goes to show you never know.�
�Act? - I do give a damn. Red, you know I do.� He urged desperate for her to believe him.
�Oh sure you give a damn, just not about me.� She shrugged one damp shoulder �Should a just kept my big mouth shut.� She chastised herself again �See that�s my problem, I always seem to fall for the pretty words. I�ll take care of you Willow, I love you Wills, I�m here for you Red.� She mocked �Then out tumble all my pretty words, I forget that they just want me to look pretty and do what I�m told but to shut the hell up.�
�Willow?� Spike didn�t know if she was even talking to him now but she was scaring him �You�re not making any sense love. I love listening to you-�
�SHUT UP.� She screamed at him �No more lies, damn it Spike. I was *there* I heard you and Buffy. You say you give a damn about me but you�ve been screwing her. Was that your reward for keeping me out of their hair, for keeping me quiet? You make sure I don�t talk to them burdening them with my problems like I did when I lost Oz and Buffy has sex with you? Why so shocked Spike, if I remember rightly you said you didn�t care if I found out about your ulterior motives. So I found out. At least now you don�t have to pretend.�
�I never-� his throat constricted not letting his words out as more than a croak.
�You see what I didn�t get was the kiss.� She continued almost conversationally �You were doing Buffy so why kiss me? Of course,� she flapped her hand in a carefree gesture �Then I remembered that you went to the Angelus school of mind fucking. What was he said, oh yeah to hurt them you have to make them love you. Points Spike, you graduated with Honours.�
Spike swallowed tightly his eyes not leaving hers. �You love me?�
�How the hell else could anything hurt this bad? And I thought when Oz did his roadrunner act I was in pain. Congratulations.� Her eyes were red rimmed but still the tears refused to fall, her voice was full of bitter recriminations.
�I never meant to hurt you. I slept with Buffy yeah, but I was with you because I wanted to. Because I love -�
�Don�t you dare.� She gritted her teeth �Don�t you even dare.� She sucked in her breath.
�No.� Spike glared at her �You had your say and now it�s my turn. I love you; I have since before Buffy came back. But I thought you hated me, I thought I never stood a chance. The Slayer was messed up and the only way she could feel was if we-�
�I don�t want to hear it.� Willow put her hands over her ears and backed away. But Spike reached forward and grabbed her, his arm almost slipping on her soaking skin. The rain continued to beat down on them both, as if the sky itself was crying for their pain.
�Willow, listen to me, the Slayer means nothing to me, you do. I love you and I will be here for you whether you want me to or not. I can�t live without you. I don�t want to. But you have to let me in. Tell me why you wont let any one in.�
�Go away.� She whispered.
�Tell me.� He yelled above the sound of the rain.
�I hate her!� Willow screamed �I hate her, I hate her.� She whispered then her hands flew to her mouth in a panic �No, no what am I saying? I don�t hate her, its Buffy. It�s my fault. It�s all my fault.�
�What is?� Spike realised that they had finally got the break down that he had both needed and feared.
�I let her die.�
Spike�s jaw fell open in shock �What?�
�I was so busy taking care of Tara, that I let Buffy die. I could have stopped Glory. I could but instead I helped Tara. It�s my fault that she died.�
�No.� Spike shook his head furiously �No.�
�Yes.� The tears finally started to fall mixing with the rain on her skin �That�s why none of it mattered, because it was my fault. I was a substitute. That�s why I bought her back. They didn�t need me, no one needs me. No one wants me. Everybody is so happy now she�s back, you have the one you love and Dawn has her sister and Xander has his best friend and even Giles came back for Buffy. It�s all about Buffy. It always has been. It�s like Buffy said I could never be her, never replace her.� The rain fell in sheets blurring her tears with its streams, her pain more evident than the storm �Except for one moment you made me believe that I had something to give, that I was somebody and that someone could care about me. For one moment I had somebody that I could rely on, who knew me and still wanted me. Then I found out that it was all a lie. Every word was a lie. For Buffy. So yeah actually I do hate her.� She took a breath �But not as much as I hate you.� She wrenched her hand away again and ran down the rain slicked street as fast as she could.
Spike stared after her, ignoring the tears making their way steadily down his own face. She blamed herself for Buffy�s death and she had had no one to turn to, to tell her that she was wrong. She had been truly alone and she had broken. She had been breaking alone and everyone was so busy heaping their troubles on her that they hadn�t noticed. Not even him. He had failed her. She�d been everyone�s rock, everyone�s pillar of strength, he had once wondered at what cost and now he knew. Her belief in herself, her self esteem, her life, her heart all gone because no one had reached for her when she was hurting.
He turned and laid his head on the roof of the car. He was crying in earnest now, he hurt just as she had been hurting.
No. the thought came to him suddenly; he wasn�t going to leave it like this. He loved her and he was going to be there for her now, maybe they could rebuild what they should have had. He got in the car, ignoring the fact that he was dripping all over the upholstery. He shifted it into gear and headed for the way Willow had gone.
Willow�s lungs were burning as she opened the front door to her house, her teeth chattering as the chill hit her hard. She was saturated through and through but she didn�t particularly care right now. She headed for her room and reached under the bed for the suitcase that she kept there. She dropped it open on the bed, turned on her bedside lamp and started pulling clothes from her wardrobe. She wanted to be gone from here. Gone from the Hellmouth which boasted home to some of her really upsetting memories right down to her truly horrific nightmares, but mostly she just wanted to be eleven hundred miles away from all her friends; all those who were supposed to stand by her.
She heard the front door slam as she threw more clothes into the case and rolled her eyes. Did she shut the front door, was that the wind?
�RED?� Or hurricane Spike?
The blonde Vampire appeared in the doorway shaking drops of rain everywhere. �There you are I was-� he stopped dead (no pun intended) and looked at the suitcase on her bed.
�What are you doing?� he asked quietly.
�What does it look like?� she replied �I�m taking a cruise.�
�No.� Spike shook his head �No dammit, you are not leaving.�
�Whatever.� Willow threw the last of her clothes in the case and slammed it shut. She could buy new toiletries anywhere and there was nothing here really that she needed, her backpack contained all her passports, favourite CD�s and books; she had bought them back from the dorm but never unpacked them. Perhaps it was an omen, but right now all she could think was that it was damn convenient.
Spike felt a chill that had nothing to do with the weather; he felt it through to his very being.
�No Red, don�t do this.� He begged �Please.�
Willow turned away from him, unable to look him in the face. To Spike this was the last straw. She had trusted him to protect her and he had ended up hurting her more than even he thought possible and now she was leaving before he could settle things? No. he grabbed hold of her wrist and pulled her to him.
�You are not leaving me Red. I wont let you.� He growled in her face
�Let me go.� She insisted trying to pull her wrist away. Spike grimaced as the chip twinged. He pulled her closer trying to ignore the growing pain in his head.
�Never.�
�LET GO.� She shouted at him. He pushed her backwards onto the bed; she bounced once before Spike was on top of her, he pushed the suitcase off the bed where it landed with a thump on the floor.
He pinned her to the mattress, her arms above her head and his knees locking her legs together so she couldn�t kick at him.
�Now you will bloody well listen to me without running off.�
�Let go!� she screamed and thrashed about on the bed.
Spike leaned down and smashed his lips on hers �No.� he said as he pulled away. �You will listen to me one way or another, pet.�
�Why isn�t the chip going off?� she demanded
�I don�t mean to hurt you.�
�Too late.� She snarled and tried to buck him off her.
�Do it again.� He hissed �I like it.�
Willow froze and glared up at him �Get off me.�
�Not until you listen to me.�
�I am sick of listening to you. You and your lies, everyone and their problems. I have had enough, you think I�m just gonna-�
She was cut off by Spike pressing his lips to hers and ravaging her mouth. She tried to move her head away but Spike pulled his arms in closer, effectively trapping her head. He kissed her until she needed to breathe.
He felt the change in her breathing and pulled away. His own breathing, although unnecessary, was laboured.
�Good, you can�t breathe, you can�t talk. Willow.� He said her name and she looked up at him, panting for air.
�I. Love. You. So much, I never meant to hurt you, not ever. The first time Buffy-�
�I don�t care.� She shook her head tears escaping to leak down her face, dripping on the bed. �You deserve each other.�
�Liar.� He kissed the tear tracks �You do care or you wouldn�t be doing this, crying. Now as I was saying, I didn�t want to but she beat me until my demon came out, he was angry and yes horny as hell. It wasn�t love, hell, it wasn�t even sex. It was brutal and I hated myself afterwards.�
�Something we have in common.� She spat trying not to listen.
�Do you really hate me baby?� he ground his hips into hers and heard her breath catch; he grinned lasciviously and knelt to sniff her neck �You smell so nice. I always thought so, like strawberries and Vanilla, wild magic and spice.� He ran little baby kisses up her jaw and neck. �I love you.�
�No.�
�Yes. I do, but back to my story. I told her never again but she kept coming back, sometimes she�d hit me until my demon fought back and sometimes she�d threaten to stake me, or tell you horrible things about me. Once she realised that I couldn�t bear you hearing that about me, you believing that about me, she had me over a barrel. That�s what she used to force me. After a while I began to try to get her to break out of it, to talk to me instead. It worked, for a while she didn�t need me so much, then she promised that if I helped her once in a while then she would help me to get you.�
Willow stopped �She did what?�
�Not like that.� He shrugged �She�d put us together, talk to you about me, and get us together.�
�She auctioned me off so she could laid?� Willow was incredulous and furious, her chest started heaving with her anger and her eyes blazed. �Bitch. I should just zap you all.�
�I wanted to be with you so much.� He held her arms with one hand and trailed the other down her arm to caress her face �For you to think of me as something other than the monster who tried to kill you. To have the right to touch you, kiss you.� He placed a feather soft kiss on her lips �I need you.�
His soft touch and caring words were too much for her.
�Please let me go, I don�t want to hurt anymore.� Willow wept �Please?�
�I won�t let anyone hurt you again.� He vowed.
�I�ll go far away and none of you will ever see me again, I promise.� She begged in earnest her face wet from her tears.
�I can�t let you go Red, I love you. Tell me you love me.�
�You hurt me.�
�And I�m sorry.� Tears fell onto her cheeks, but they weren�t hers, she looked up at him in surprise. Spike was crying.
�Don�t leave me baby.�
His silent anguish managed to penetrate the cloud of sheer misery that pervaded her, his tears her undoing. Willow pulled one hand away from his grip, her body shuddering with barely contained sobs and reached up to hold his cheek and push the tears away.
�Spike?�
�I will do whatever it takes to make this up to you. Just don�t go.� The fight seemed to go out of his body and he lay on top of her, his head resting in the crook of her neck, his hot tears spilling down her throat.
�God Willow I love you.�
For a moment all there was in the room was the sound of crying, his-hers they couldn�t tell. There was so much pain. Willow felt it as his shoulders shook from his own pain and she pushed hers aside.
�Shh� she stroked the back of his head softly. It looked like she was not the only one who was broken. Buffy had been taking and taking from him and who had been there for him? Had she? She thought she had but she hadn�t seen this, hadn�t realised that he was capable of feeling this kind of passion for her.
�I�m leaving.� She made up her mind and he stiffened.
�Want to come with me?�
His head shot up and he pinned her with such a look of longing and hope.
�Really?�
She nodded trying to stem her tears and he stroked her face.
�I�d follow you to the ends of the earth.� He promised.
�Good I�ve always wanted to see England.� They both gave a watery laugh.
�I do love you.� He said intently watching her eyes begging with his eyes for her to believe him.
�I know.� She admitted quietly. He was disappointed when she didn�t say it back, but understood it would take sometime before she could trust him again.
�When do you want to go?�
�Is now good for you?� Willow asked �After all I�m nearly packed.�
�Sure.� He sniffed and pulled back �No running away?�
�Not alone.� She promised and wiped her face with her fist. They sat side by side on the bed and gave each other a glance from the corner of their eye.
Spike was the first to speak. �I am sorry Willow.�
�I know.� She nodded and rubbed her face �Doesn�t make it any easier.�
�It�s still raining.� He tried to think of a neutral topic that didn�t pain them both.
�It does that.�
�I think we should dry out before we go anywhere, my stuff is next door so we could be gone soon as.�
Still rubbing her face Willow�s hair moved in what Spike assumed was a nod.
�Come with me?� he asked gently, it wasn�t that he didn�t trust her not to bail on him; he just wanted her by his side.
He held out his hand as he got off the bed. Willow took it quietly.
They walked together into the spare room where Spike had been sleeping the past few weeks. The curtains were drawn making the room totally dark, neither of them had turned the lights anywhere in the house and it was pitch black.
Willow leant against the door as Spike threw his clothes and few belongings into a large duffel bag. She didn�t even comment on the meagreness of his possessions. She just looked at the opposite wall blankly, her arms folded against her chest, her mind obviously elsewhere.
�I�m done.� he was standing in front of her �Are you sure you�re up for this tonight, we could dry out and catch some sleep?� he paused �We�re both a bit drained.�
Sleep suddenly sounded like heaven, a good night�s sleep and maybe a hot shower?
�Okay.� Willow intoned; she felt devoid of all emotion �I need a shower.�
Spike gave a small smile and she turned to go back to her room.
�Willow?�
�Yeah?�
�C-can I sleep with you?� he hurriedly added �Just sleep.�
Not trusting her voice Willow just nodded before going into the bathroom and shutting the door.
Spike lay on Willow�s bed listening intently to the sound of running water. The rain ran down the window pane like crawling fingers, icy fingers that he felt deep down. He couldn�t recall crying that much before. He had always been an emotional Vampire; he figured it was because he had been such an emotional human. He got real happy, and real sad. When Dru left he had cried and gone on a drinking binge, when Buffy died he�d cried and hurt but he couldn�t remember ever crying the soul shattering tears and feeling the grief that he�d felt last night when he thought that he had lost Willow. It burned him down to his roots, to his demon who cowered under the weight of the feeling. It rocked him to his foundation and he was powerless to stop it. He had poured everything he had into making her stay and had nothing left in him to think about anything, to feel anything else; he couldn�t even berate himself for the show of raw emotion because it had come from within, his heart calling for its soulmate and his demon for its true mate. So he sat and waited for Willow and watched the drops fall down the window.
Willow sat by the side of the bathtub slowing combing her wet hair and watched the rain fall outside the window. It ran in rivulets towards the bottom where it pooled into other droplets before sliding off down into the unknown. She felt drained of all life. It had all come out and she had nothing left to cling to, to help her live. Spike had torn away all her safeties and her thoughts of self and left her with nothing. She didn�t know who she was anymore. She remembered one lyric from a song that had always called to her �Living my life in a slow hell.� That�s how she felt, that she had been living in hell these past few months. It had been slow; she hadn�t even noticed her soul crumbling and her heart breaking until Spike had stood in its way and screamed at her to wake up. Now it had and she was lost, she had no direction. Like the raindrop she had reached the bottom and was now in uncharted territory. She watched the rain and waited for answers to come to her.
After fifteen minutes Spike was starting to get worried but then the bathroom door opened and he could feel himself relax. She came in, her face half hidden by her sodden hair and her face pale but eyes still red from her crying spell. She sat on the edge of the bed and avoided looking at him.
Lightening flashed across the window illuminating the room where the small light from the bedside lamp didn�t reach.
�Red?� he said softly breaking the spell �There�s something that I never told you. I kept it from you because I wanted you to stay with me.�
Willow cast her eyes up to his.
�There was a letter from Oxford, you got into the College.� He pulled out a battered letter from his pocket �I�m sorry I kept it.�
She took the letter and turned it over. �They thought it got lost in the post so they sent me an email. I filled it in.� She bit her lip �I guess I withheld stuff too.�
�Are you going to go?� he swallowed around the lump in his throat and she nodded.
�Figured I might as well.�
�Were you going to say anything?� Spike wondered.
�Maybe.� Willow gave a wry grin �The day before I left.�
Spike found strange fascination with his shoes.
�Are you cold?� Willow asked, he was still dripping wet from the rain something it appeared he had forgotten.
�It�s not like I can get sick.� He commented before looking up at her. What did they have to say to each other? He loved her with all his undead heart and had told her so, now she was still leaving.
�I screwed up royally didn�t I?� his words were soft.
She shrugged �I need to sleep.�
Spike stood up and pulled off his duster and boots, and then he took off his damp shirt and lay down again on the bed. �Sleep.� He patted the bed next to him.
Willow shuffled up the bed and lay next to him, Spike curled up around her laying his hand on her hip and they lay, listening to the rain and each other before falling into a deep sleep.
It was late afternoon when they finally awoke, wrapped in each others embrace.
�Hey.� Willow smiled up at him. He blinked wondering if it was all a dream, she was smiling at him after last night?
�Morning pet. Feeling better?�
�Actually yeah, lighter.� She looked confused.
�That happens when you let go of pain, you feel lighter.� He explained softly and rubbed her back �I�m glad you feel better. But we still have a lot to talk about.�
�I did some thinking.� She continued not looking at him properly �I�m going to Oxford for next semester, it isn�t for a few months but I�d like to go and get settled. I called my parents about it a few weeks ago and my mom was so pleased that I was going to a prestigious school that she and dad offered to buy me a house in England so I could stay there. They do a lot of lecture tours over there. I think I�m gonna take them up on it.�
�Really?�
�Yeah, I guess I could do with a change of scenery. A new start.� She nodded to herself.
Spike raised a hand and stroked her soft hair �Am I invited on this journey?�
�Would it matter?� she held her breath.
�Not really, if you said no, I�d just follow you anyway and stay in a motel near you and hound you day and night, singing ballads outside your window and scaring off anyone that looked at you.�
Willow giggled and wriggled closer to his cold body searching for warmth �Guess I better invite you then.�
Spike smiled widely against her hair for the first time feeling that they might actually have a chance to get through this. He pulled her impossibly closer revelling in her warmth.
�I love you.� He whispered and kissed her hair. They lay close for a long while just thinking then Willow made motions to get up.
�I need to make travel arrangements, I�ll see if I can get a flight out tonight for us both.�
�You really want to go that quickly?�
�What do I have to stay here for?� she asked still not looking him in the eye. Spike leaned forward and tucked his fingers under her chin, raising her eyes to his.
�We need to talk about us, pet.�
�Us?� Willow looked down not meeting his glance �Is there an us?�
Spike felt a stab of pain �yes.� He stated resolutely �I love you, and I will keep saying it until you believe me and I will be with you until you trust me enough to say it too.� His tone made her look up into steel blue eyes that were set �I�m not giving you up and I�m not leaving you alone.�
His vow sent shivers down her spine
�Last night is still too fresh, I still hurt.� She bit out �it�ll take time.�
�I have time.� He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, he finally had the right to touch her and he wouldn�t give that up for anything.
�You make the travel arrangements and I�ll go shower.� He said standing up and suddenly feeling stronger than he had in a good while, he had a chance and that was all he had ever needed to give his existence meaning and he could do this, he could let her love him. He regained some of his confidence. Willow moved to the door only to look back when he called her.
�Hey Red?� she turned to look at him in askance and he shot her a cocky smirk reminiscent of the old Spike �You could always share my shower?� he grinned lasciviously at her blush.
The hot shower was just what he needed. He felt more alive�well less undead at any rate. But he didn�t want to linger, he could still sense Willow�s heartbeat in the house so he knew she hadn�t run off, although if she did there was little he could do about it, although the day was well along it was still sunny enough to matter to him. He didn�t want her to leave if he couldn�t follow.
No this isnt a fic that will get finished- Sorry but if you want to finish it- go ahead!