"What about him?" Michael countered abruptly, hearing his voice grow cold. He didn't want to think about the other man and what he had meant to Nikita.

Nikita heard, as well as felt, the sudden chill emanate from Michael. But she refused to back down. There were things she needed to know. "You told me that Section was going to cancel Gray," she said, her own voice growing colder at the memory. The confrontation she'd had with Michael in his office. When she had accused him of being jealous of Gray and of wanting him dead because she loved him, and not Michael. Michael had faced her and challenged her...'you don't love me..' he had countered, his eyes locked with Nikita's. She hadn't been able to hold his gaze. Not then. But she did so now. "Why were they going to cancel him," she demanded.

Michael didn't want to answer her. Didn't want to hurt Nikita with the truth. But that was what she wanted. "Madeline warned you not to get involved with anyone outside of Section. You didn't listen. And you haven't yet learned that the people outside of Section are considered expendable. Gray was a red shirt, as far as Section was concerned."

"I see," Nikita whispered. "Then tell me why you saved him, MIchael. Tell me that...please."

"Because you cared about him," Michael replied. The drug in his system was no longer potent enough to control his words. Michael was telling the truth now, because he needed to. But he doubted that Nikita would understand why. Tears shimmered in Nikita's eyes at Michael's words, for she knew that they were true, and she was beginning to understand the sacrifices that he was willing to make for her. "You were jealous of Gray," she commented, a smile on her lips. She figured it couldn't hurt to push for more truth.

Michael, almost, smiled back. "I envied him that he was both FREE and WORTHY to love you, Nikita," he whispered. And found himself blinking back tears of his own. Tears he hadn't wanted her to see. "And you're not free...or worthy, Michael?" Nikita challenged him, even as it broke her heart to see his tears.

"No, Nikita," he replied. It didn't matter anymore if she knew. "What I said to you about not knowing what love is anymore...that was the truth." Michael's eyes locked with Nikita's. "Remember Simone? She preferred death...by her own hand...to being with me. And I don't blame her. I stopped loving her, yet I wonder if I ever really knew how in the first place. I don't have a soul, Nikita..."

She shook her head, feeling pain and anger swirling deep within her. And it was Michael's pain that Nikita was feeling and her anger was directed at Section one....for they were the ones who had done this to Michael. Operations and Madeline had made him believe that he was no longer worthy of being loved...or of feeling anything anymore. Nikita freed his wrist from the other handcuff, then she pulled Michael into her embrace. "That's not true," she whispered against his hair. "You do have a soul."

For a long moment, Michael allowed himself the luxury of holding Nikita, and of being held by her. But then he pulled away from her and slid off the bed. He reached for his clothes and dressed quickly, all the while feeling Nikita's eyes upon him. Without looking at her, Michael headed for the stairs.

"Don't go," Nikita beseeched him. She knew that if Michael walked away now, he would be out of her reach forever. Nikita went to him, took his hand and pulled him back around to face her. "Don't walk away from me, Michael," she begged. "From us." Nikita saw his eyes flicker. Saw a glimmer of light that quickly faded.

"There is no us, Nikita," Michael whispered. He saw his words cut though her like a knife, but she had wanted the truth. So he gave it to her. "Section won't like it." Nikita shook her head. "Then why do they keep throwing us together?" she challenged.

Michael sighed and pulled his hand away from her touch. "To test us, Nikita," he replied, shifting back into *machine mode*. It was the only way he was going to get through this. "They're testing me. They gave you to me to train, because I was shutting down after Simone died. After I THOUGHT she had died," he ammended. Then he continued, his eyes glancing over Nikita's shoulder. "I'm next in line for Operations. Section considers me to be an investment, one they have no intention of losing."

"Don't say that Michael," Nikita protested. It hurt her to hear him talk about himself as if he were a commodity, and not a person. Somehow, someway, she had to try and reach him. Nikita pressed one hand against his chest, over his heart. "Section can't take away your soul, Michael. Not if you don't let them." Nikita knew that she was living proof of that.

"It's too late, Nikita," Michael replied, pushing her hand away. He locked eyes with her now, and his were cold as ice. "If you never learn, or believe, anything else that I have tried to teach you...never forget that you and I will NEVER be free." Nikita glared at him. "There's no such thing as free will," she quoted, blithely, remembering his words to her.

Michael smiled then, a curving of his sensual lips that didn't reach his eyes. "Good girl," he whispered. Then he turned and walked away. When he left the apartment and the door had closed behind him, then Michael let his tears fall.

The next day Nikita entered Section One with a determined gleam in her pale eyes. She had spent the night alternately weeping and cursing. And she wasn't sure who she was most upset with...herself, Michael, or Section one. Nikita had finally decided that it didn't matter...they were all at fault, and the one who had suffered most was Michael. So Nikita was determined to confront him today. Michael didn't have to talk, but he damn well was going to listen.

The first person Nikita ran into was Walter, and he didn't even seem to notice her existance, which wasn't like him at all. "Walter...what's going on?" Nikita asked, seeing the anxiety shining from his eyes. He sighed then shook his head. "It's bad, sugar," he told her. "Real bad."

"What is?" Nikita felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. "What's going on." "It's Michael," Walter replied, and he couldn't meet her eyes.

NIkita grabbed him by the shoulders. "What about, Michael?" she demanded, fearing the worst. That he had been cancelled. Walter patted her hand and said, "He's gone, sugar. Michael is gone." "Dead?" Nikita whispered, forcing the word past dry lips.

"No," Walter replied. "Not dead....gone. Disappeared. And Ops is furious. He wants Michael found, immediately." Nikita found that she could breathe again. Barely. "Then what?" she hissed. "They'll just cancel him anyway." Walter reached op to pat Nikita's cheek. "You just don't get it...do you, Sugar? They won't cancel, Michael, although he would probably prefer it."

"To what?" Nikita countered. She coudn't imagine what would be worse.

"To reconditioning," Walter replied. He looked at Nikita with sadness. What she would never understand is the hell Michael put himself through to protect her. He wouldn't undergo the same reconditioning as other operatives. He would be subjected to something much worse. They would never allow him to forget the past, they would make him remember it. Relive it..and then they would remind him of the cost of his mistakes and what was at stake should he ever try again. And the price was Nikita. To save her, Walter knew that Michael would go through hell and back...again and again. But at some point, he would have to break. And when that happened, Nikita would die. And that was the day Operations was living for. The day when every last shred of humanity that Michael possessed was gone.

Nikita blinked back tears. "Do you know where Michael is?" she whispered. She knew that she had to find him before Section did. Knew, also, that she would be watched. Walter shook his head. "I haven't got a clue, sugar. Wish I did."

"Thank you, Walter," NIkita replied. Then she turned and walked away.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Michael," Walter whispered, as he went back to work. "I pray for you both."

THE END...of part 5

*************************************************************************

<8:00 pm>

The light shining in from the blinds was the only illumination which penetrated the darkness like a knife. The light wafted across the barren walls and the forsaken computer...silently waiting for it's master to bring it back to life. There was only silence within the dark chamber....the sound of breathing barely audible through the dark veil which seemed to cover the room in a depressive aura.

Suddenly a burst of noise came into quiescent room as its heavy metal door was slowly opened.

"Nikita? Briefing in my office...ten minutes."

"Fine..."

The heavy door closed with a bang as Nikita leaned forward with a sigh and placed her hands upon Michael's desk. Reaching forward to touch the monitor almost reverently one more time, she stood up and left the room.

Nikita stormed into Madeline's office and saw Birkhoff surrounded by three seperate computers and a smug expression on his face as Oreo crumbs tumbled from the side of his lips. "So we're going to spend the next few hours going over videos and stuffing our faces while Michael is out there God knows where doing God knows what?"

Madeline sat up from her desk and brushed off her brown pullover. Normally she would not have been so casual but she had a feeling this was going to be a long night. Operations was searching overseas for Michael but Madeline knew that he had not left the country..probably not even the city. Despite whatever Nikita might think, Madeline was on her side. And she knew where Michael was...as she had already had him followed. But she wanted Nikita to learn why Michael might be there..to discover for herself. Once she did...Madeline knew that together, they made one of the best teams Section had ever seen...if they weren't forced to deny their feelings..they would be unstopable. And she would see that Operations would allow them to be together...but first she wanted to have some fun.

"Sit Nikita." The young blond promptly agreed. But her fingers still tapped on the desk in a gesture meant to annoy Madeline..it didn't work.

"I want you to go through all these survelance videos of the past few missions and see if you can determine where he might run in his current emotional state. You were the last one to see him and therefore you are the one best adapted to be able to judge where he might have gone."

Nikita was confused. "What makes you think these videos will help? Why would he return to.."

Madeline sighed with exasturbation. "Michael has probably returned to a place where he felt safe...where his emotions can be released without fear of retribution. Someplace where he has learned just a hint of how to be whom he used too."

Nodding silently as Madeline's words began to sink in, Nikita rolled her chair over to Burkhoff. "I figured we'd start with the Chandler case....one year ago," Birkhoff said as he clicked on a button which brought forward a shot of Michael waiting in the van as Nikita 'saved' Alec Chandler from a speeding car.

Madeline watched as Nikita leaned forward in her chair to stare at the man who was pacing like a caged animal on the screen, while rubbing his chin almost unconciouslly. *It was going to be a long night.*

<11:15 pm>

Pushing her long, curly hair off her shoulder, Lisa Fanning stopped in her tracks as she heard a soft knocking at her door. Four months had passed since her husband had been taken away, never to be heard from again. During that time, she had allowed few visitors..as she was taking time out to think things over.

She glanced out the glass windows before she approached the door as a flash of lightening streaked across the landscape. The thunderstorm which had moved in less than ten minutes ago was already in full force..the wind blowing at gusts up to 30mph. Looking through the peephole to the door, she gasped. "Michael?"

Opening the door, she found the man who had freeded her not only from her violent husband..but from the private prison she had put herself in years ago. Although he had seduced her for his *job,* she had caught the glimpse of sadness in his eyes as he had apologized and after time..began to realize what he had done. He had not meant to hurt her, but it was necesary...and the lives of many innocents had been saved.

"Michael?" she repeated as she stared at his rain-stained face. He was completely soaked and trembling beneath the pale light of the porch. He looked up into her astoneshed face and simply pleaded..."Help me..."

Lisa stepped forward and was surprised to find him accepting the hug she so readily gave him. One thing she had noticed before when they were..together..was that Michael was not one to initate the physical contact. He had even tried to pull away during hugs and the few times they had...well, he had still been distant...especially emotionally. But now he was like an open wound...the tears intermingly with rain as she slowly drew him inside the house.

"What's wrong?" she asked. What he was doing here did not matter..the pain was clearly written across his face and all that mattered in that time was how he felt. She cared for him only as a friend now..why she could not fathom. Something told her to listen...to be there...to wait...

"I....I...how...soul..no....to...how...what...is..." Michael began...trying to force the words out of his mouth, but isntead they were all coming out like a word salad.

Lisa couldn't follow his logic just yet, but something told her to wait...eventually he would come to her. Something told her this was a revelation of sorts...of what..she didn't know. Leading Michael into the living room, she told him to sit while she fetched fresh towels and some food.

<1 am>

"Stuffed Birkhoff?"

The young genius looked over at Nikita and groaned. During the past six hours they had looked through many...many..many survelance photos of Michael and were getting nowhere. Nikita was learning all sorts of things about Michael she never knew before and her and Madeline were actually talking about men and some of the stupid things they do. He had spent all those hours chowing down on Oreos and various other snacks and was now getting sick. And the conversation wasn't helping any. "Shut up...have you found anything yet?"

Nikita stretched back in the black leather chair which she had stolen from one of the *meeting* rooms earlier and yawned. "I've discovered that he likes chocolate syrup with his Cherrios, owns a freaking cat, and that he's apparently saved my butt more times than I care too admit and I"ve been a complete jerk about it..other than that, no."

Birkhoff just stared at her for a long moment. "Just checking."

Nikita smiled wearily at Birkhoff. She really was learning some things about Michael which had shocked her...other than the fact that he owned a cat. (But, she also realized that he made such a big deal about the cat because he was jealous of Alec Chandler...she had witnessed that insane conversation between he and his own white kitten two hours ago while going over the Chandler files. Not that she could say anything..she talked to her cat all the time.) Anyway, he had risked everything time and time again..and she learned that without him..she would have been canceled immedatly. *Ops words about becoming emotionally attached to the material...Michael didn't deny it..in fact he said "It's not that..I think she would make a good operative"..even then he had...* "Nuff lying around, let's get back to work Birky."

He shot her another look. "BIRKY?" and she simply laughed. This night was actually getting better and better...

<2:10 am>

Lisa heard the thunder crash outside her window and realized that the storm had not yet passed. Hearing a howl above the storm, she remembered that she had left her precious Alaskan Husky outside and had forgotten to let him in. After rushing downstairs and letting the dog in, she realized that Michael was still up.

In fact, he was up and standing beside the glass window..looking outwards into the storm. She saw the tragic look on his face through the reflection in the glass and began walking forward.

He saw her own reflection coming towards him and shocked her with a simple question.

"What is Love?"

Not knowing exactly WHAT Michael was speaking of, she decided to lighten the mood a bit with one of her favorite poems. "Love is gentle...love is kind," she began as she heard him chuckle. His heart was not into the laugh but she knew it was a start..

"It's corny I know. But Michael..you of all people should know."

"What?" He replied, his voice betraying no emotion.

"To show affection."

Michael sighed and looked back out the window. In it, he simply saw Nikita's face and whispered her name...He did it so softly that he was sure he didn't even hear it himself..much less that Lisa heard it. But she had.

He turned slowly and looked over at her. "Is that all? How is one supposed to know? I don't know what love is anymore."

"You helped me understand what love was. I know you didn't love me...but you cared..I could see it in your eyes. It's hard to put a definition on love...nobody ever has. I thought it was sexual attraction...or just simply attention. Both of which you and David gave me. But Love is...it's...more than a strong affection..it's a warm attachment...like you don't feel alive in the morning until you see the other person. It's to cherish that person above all things...to take pleasure in their pleasure...to feel their pain...want the best for that person...letting that person go when it's best for their needs, even if it destroys your own. It's also a caress...touching someone to reassure them or just to let them know you're there. And it's not only physical...caressing someone with your eyes is another way. If you try and put a dictionary definition on it, it's either a strong affection or a score of zero in tennis."

Section....2:24am

"How the hell did you find this? Are you looking through his apartment files again? Nikita...we don't have time to stand around and watch,"

"WHOO-HOO! SHAKE IT BABY," Nikita howled jokingly she glanced towards the screen. Madeline walked over and stood behind and began laughing silently herself. Birkhoff simply sat in his chair and covered his eyes..murmering something about Michael was going to kill him.

On the screen was a pic of Michael trying to peel his way out of one of his extra-tight field uniforms which was currently rain- soaked and glued to his tight body. Nikita chuckled as she watched him stumble and whiggle his way into clutching at the tight fabric. "Either he was very drunk or very tired after this mission," she laughed, whipping the tears from her own eyes. Tonight had been so emotional that this was a great release.

Madeline leaned down and placed her head closer to the monitor herself. "I think he was just very tired...but those uniforms are awfully tight anyway and when it rains they're almost impossible to take off...or in Michael's case...shake off...."

"What is he doing???" Nikita almost screamed as Michael fell over the couch in his living room while struggling to pull down the bottom part of the uniform. He had already unzipped and had the top half off, and was bearing his chest to the very impressed Nikita and Madeline, who had bothed "awwww" as he had wiggled out of it and fell into the recliner. Needless to say, as soon as he hit the couch, the back of his tight uniform ripped...revealing a full moon to everybody (which at the time he thought he was alone in his apartment). "Whoa..nice buns!" Nikita whispered. Then he simply reached back, grabbed the torn fabric and ripped the entire uniform off. At the same time, Birkhoff reached over and clicked on the off button.

Nikita and Madeline both shot him a dirty look. "You're no fun."

Fanning Mansion...2:45

When she didn't get a response as he turned and looked out the window, she pulled up everything she could remember of seeing Michael and Nikita together. A part of her had known instantly that Nikita was in love with Michael...her face everytime Michael was around. Her silent pauses and look of brief flash of heartbreak a the mention of his name. And now a picture was slowly forming in her head...Michael loved Nikita too.

"Michael...remember one of the things I said. About love being when the person is essential part of you. The person is always on the edge of your mind...always there reminding you of your faults, and your bonuses. Remember that day we made love...when you were softly caressing my arm? You getting out of bed was not what woke me up...it was a soft murmur..."Nikita." You said her name Michael..and your voice was filled with such longing and sorrow that I almost flipped out of bed. But I wanted you..and You were my lifeline at that time..if I let you go, there might have been no way to escape David. And after you came in..after David was captured...Michael, you looked at me when I was talking to you..but your eyes kept flickering back to her."

"You were super cold when you first came in, your eyes clear. But one look at her..especially when she was near crying...and your own eyes turned red and you looked sad. You looked more ashamed at hurting her again than me. That was one reason I nearly turned the gun on myself..I couldn't kill you because I knew why Nikita had had to do it..she was my friend..and she was in love with you. In that moment..I knew you were in love with her too. You even mentioned her name first...and you sounded like you valued her freedom as much as, if not more..than your own. You felt her pain...you wanted to comfort her..she was always on your mind...you even touched her more in the park that one day when we first met than you looked or touched me. And you also tried to prevent some pain in the park too..I noticed when she was looking...you didn't like to be touched. Only when I tried to pull away...did you *do your job.*"

"I'm sorry," Michael interrupted, tears filling his own eyes. The truth was overwhelming him...hitting him in crashing waves as his mind flashed over the million times he had shown his *love* for Nikita.

"Don't be. I'm glad you already know how to love. You love Nikita."

He simply turned around...looked at her..and smiled. The tears hit his lips and he tasted the salty tears..but he didn't care. He was realizing that he had possessed it all along..tht not only had Nikita helped him heal..but he had helped himself. Lisa simply walked over, kissed cheek and walked away.

<5:25 am..Section One>

As she listened to Birkhoff's heavy snoring next to her, Nikita reached over and clicked on the next scene button on the monitor. She had been watching some boring interplay in Operations office between Ops and Michael about Kessler and his attempt on Madeline's life. She doubted Michael would have returned to the ditch where he had had to impersonate a woman.

Finally, Madeline stood up and walked over to Nikita. She had hoped that they would have made more progress by now but Nikita was getting restless and Madeline was getting just plain tired. Operations had been satisfied to learn that Michael had been *sent on a mission By Madeline to retrieve confidential information on a potential recruit.* And Madeline didn't think in her current state, Nikita would guess his location on her own.

"Nikita..think of a time when you saw him happy...or at least he gave off the impression that he wanted to be happy. Where he was smiling, and warm...and he cherished his brief FREEDOM."

"Lisa?" Nikita questioned, a jealous streak coursing through her...despite herself.

"You have no reason to be jealous Nikita. In fact..there's something you should hear."

Madeline pulled out a similar tape to the one Michael had given Lisa...*I know you hate me now and you have a right too. The money is not a plea for forgiveness nor is it a gift. You earned it. Your actions helped save many innocent lives. Learn to fly...take up painting again, and never be with a man who fails to treat you as you deserve.*

Tears filled Nikita's eyes as she realized exactly what Michael had done..but why? Madeline sat down and placed her hand on the young lady's shoulder.

"Because it's what you would have done. And it's how he wanted to be...or how he used to be. Nikita, this was not his first act of retribution...but one of his best. He showed that he had the capacity to care...non-sexually..and he showed it not only to use but to you as well.."

Nikita stood up and slowly reached for her purse. "Thank you Madeline..I think I know where to find him."

Madeline walked over and picked a piece of lint off Nikita's jacket...it was a *motherly* thing to do and she was amazed Nikita allowed her to do so. "Michael can come back. Operations thinks he's on a top-secret mission in New York..he will not be debriefed..except by Me. You both have a couple of days off...to spend together. In those days, I will convince Ops that you two work best as a team..when you're not fighting nor lying to each other. You have Sections permission to be together. As long as it does not interfere with your jobs. Now...go get him."

"But.."

"If you want to see his cute little butt, you'd better hurry. Go.." Madeline smiled softly and then left the office for home....

<6:15 am>

Lisa heard another knock at the door...the storm had passed and everything was eerily silent...until now. Putting on her robe, she hopped down the stairs..but she didn't even have to look through the hole to see whom it was.

Nikita found Lisa throwing open the door and staring at her. "Took ya long enough."

"How are you Lisa?" Nikita said, trying not to seem too eager to get inside.

"Get in here...I know you didn't stop by at 6 am just for a visit. Come on..he's asleep in the blue room." Lisa took her arm and led her inside, shutting the door behind her. "You look tired....how much sleep have you gotten over the past few days?"

Nikita was stunned at the friendly, almost sisterly attitude Lisa was taking towards her. She had thought she would be furious..but instead Lisa was smiling as if she knew some secret that she couldn't wait to divulge.

"Not much...been too busy looking for him."

Lisa stopped at the door to the guest bedroom and looked at Nikita. "Well, go in there..crawl in bed with him and pass out. When both of you are fully awake and ready, I'll have breakfast made."

"Thank you Lisa.." Nikita whispered and Lisa took her in a big bear hug again. "You're welcome...but next time you want me to watch him, you'll have to remember I charge ten dollars an hour and you have to bring an extra change of clothing." The two women laughed and Nikita silently entered the room.

Nikita watched as he lay silently on the huge bed which lay in the center of the room. He slept like an angel...and her heart felt lighter than it had in years. As she removed her shoes and her pants, she realized that this in a sense was true freedom. Not only had Madeline offered it to them...but she realized that she was willing to let her feelings go herself. Ready to open up to the man who had proven time and time again that he cared...who loved.

Michael stirred as he felt a pair of soft hands wrap around his waist and long hair tickle his nose. Nikita laid with her head on his chest and he turned towards her on his side, dragging her with him. Soon they were facing each other, snuggled into a tight ball almost. They were both so exhausted that all Michael could do was look into her blue eyes and smile...and her reaction was priceless. She reached up and kissed him with all the love she felt after seeing that smile. It was a smile of hope..of promise..of love.

As they cuddled together and she began to fall into a deep sleep, she heard him murmur, "Love is gentle..love is kind." Then he shook the bed gently as he tried to get more comfortable with her almost melting beneath him.

The shaking is what caused it..she had this sudden flash of him stripping in his apartment, and the site of his rear as it stuck up in the air as he hung over the couch. Her hand lowered down and into the back of his underwear and she squeezed his bare flesh. "Love has a very gorgeous behind."

She felt him chuckle above her and the sound was like music to her ears. "You have a very dirty mind."

"Be nice or I'll sick Bobby after you. Besides..that's what ya love about me." She snuggled into his chest once again and 'fell into a deep sleep.'

Michael kissed her temple and looked down upon her resting form. "Yea...I love you..."

Seconds seem to fly buy as he contemplated the sound of those words. She couldn't have heard him..she'd been asleep. What if she didn't want to hear this? Why couldn't he admit it to her face?

"I heard that...I love you too, now shut up and go to sleep."

They both laughed silently and they're arms tightened around each other. They fell asleep in each others arms as the dawn began to break over the horizon. They had finally found home...and love..within the section. And the very next day, Michael bought Nikita a white kitten of her own...with whom they both now share intimate conversations with and will..for many years to come.

The End..of Dirty Minds.

--By Shelly (Odd Chapters) and Laura (Even Chapters).