SHADES OF GREY III

Chapter 16

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Steadying himself on the bed, Michael stiffened as the door to his room in Medlab opened. He knew it was at least Operations if not Madeline as well. Demands for explanations were going to be asked next. But he wanted to be the one asking questions not answering them. But not now, he had to check on her, then he would deal with the fallout. Painfully, he faced them, still using the bed for support. The legs were not yet too happy with being put back into service so soon after being wounded.

Operations began with "There's a little matter of a threat to discuss." He and Madeline stood side by side.

Michael focused his gaze on Operations. No attempt was made to hide his anger or his animosity for the older man in front of him. "There was no threat. More of a promise and a reminder."

A cocked eyebrow and "Really?" was the response Operations gave to Michael.

He didn't like the way his second in command had been acting. He was becoming more like the young man who had come to the Section from Red Cell. The cockiness that had been so evident then was missing but the emotional, angry and belligerent elements weren't.

Madeline watched the two men figuratively circle each other. They reminded her of two wolves. One the alpha leader, old and battle weary, fiercely holding onto his position. The other, also an alpha but a young, strong and battle ready challenger. Michael was beginning to sense the power of the role he held in the Section. The days of silent acquiescence to Operations' demands were over. The Michael that she had seen so much potential in so long ago was back. He was still an extraordinary man but the emotionless state he had been in didn't fit. The passionate power that had been an essential part of the man before he buried it had reawakened. And it wasn't going away this time. Yes, center of power was beginning to shift from Operations to Michael.

Keeping his voice low and neutral but meaningful just the same, Michael laid it out for Operations. "It was a set-up from the onset. You're so used to everything going your way on your word that you don't look into it anymore. Since when do you trust someone like that so implicitly? When did you start to become this dictator? Now I mean this. So listen to me good."

Pushing himself away from the bed, he got as close to Operations as he could. Operations didn't flinch from the intensity or belied physical threat of the younger man.

"This happens again, you're going down. Allies and contacts are what the game is played with. I know who I can count on. I know who I can use. And I will. Dictatorships bring down themselves. I'll be there making sure it happens. I don't want to threaten you or make a barrier between us. I have a lot of respect for you. More than I think you realize. But I will not stand by while you destroy that which you so carefully built. And I will not let you destroy that which I have either. Not anymore."

Michael tried to go past Operations but stopped as his arm was grabbed. He looked at the restraining hand and then up at Operations' blazing eyes. His own remained cool and neutral. Almost totally emotionless, just a flicker of something. Perhaps sadness at having to say what he had said Madeline thought.

"You better listen..." Operations was interrupted by Michael's quiet words.

"No, I have listened faithfully albeit not always willingly for 14 years. I've tried to never question your command decisions or override them. Except where one person is concerned. Everything I've done has always been for the good of the Section. I"ve always done what had to be done, regardless of what it cost me personally or emotionally. I'm not going to pay that price anymore. You took my wife and my son, in fact, my heart and soul away from me. I let you. I didn't fight it. I didn't think I should or could. I gave them willingly because I felt I had to. Because I felt I owed it to you."

Michael blinked several times. He knew his voice was getting husky. He knew tears were glimmering in his eyes. " You kept me away from Simone. Now you're trying to do the same thing with Nikita. No more. I don't owe you anything. I don't have to give you anything. You have had everything from me. I give you my best and for now my loyalty to my job." He paused licked his dry lips and took a deep breath before he went on. "I don't owe you the one thing that matters to me right now. I don't owe you Nikita. I'm not going to give her to you. I'm not going to let you ruin her like you helped to do to everything else that has ever been part of me.

"There's no allowance anymore, Operations. This is it. I'm through with giving up and walking away because you deem it unhealthy for the Section. The heart pumps the blood that gives life to the body that does your deeds. The soul is what feeds it to keep on going. That's what she's shown me. I owe her for what she's given me. Face it. I love her and I will do anything to protect her. Anything. And if you don't like those parts of the equation, I'll factor them out for you. Permanently. Then you can build yourself a new one. Now let go."

Stunned and speechless, he let go of Michael's arm. Stiffly Michael walked out of the room.

"I haven't heard that many words out of him in all the time I've known him. Is that what I've done? Is that how I'm perceived? Have I been like a vampire sucking the life out of this place?"

Madeline looked at the floor. Michael had laid all his feelings out to Operations. He had held back the anger and kept his composure. She knew that Michael felt things deeply but had been unsure just how deeply until now. He had always been a master at keeping them secreted. He had opened up to them more in the past 4 months than ever before. The man who claimed to be in two separate parts was acting as a whole.

"We have always known that he made himself as detached as he did because that was where he perceived the best chance of survival to be. Survival was what he felt was most important and he has always done it to perfection. He lived according to the parameters you set down Oscar. He followed them out of that need to survive because that was the only thing he had. The only thing he has had constantly. Survival is not his priority anymore. Nikita is. He was right when he said he would do anything to protect her. He already has. Many times. This place is made up of people Oscar. Flesh and blood. Hearts and souls. They can't be ignored.

"You two have to work this out together and find a common ground. I know you feel things changing and shifting. I see you fighting to maintain control. Sometimes no matter how hard we dig in our heels, change still knocks us over. And if we aren't careful. Right out of our shoes."

She smiled as she looked up at him. "Remember how I used to refer to you as my knight in shining armour?"

Operations frowned. He didn't like to think about their shared past. "And your point is?"

Shaking her head and sighing she turned to leave. "Remember what we were like Oscar? They just have the guts and a strong enough love to fight for each other. I envy the two of them. I wish I could have gotten that. Maybe things would have turned out different."

"Obviously we didn't have what it takes."

"No, I guess you didn't" she retorted bitterly and left the room. Operations jammed his hands in his pockets, leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He stayed like that for a long time.

When Madeline exited the room, she found Michael leaning against the wall opposite the door. "What are you waiting for?"

"For you."

"And if Operations had come out first?"

"He wouldn't have. I just gave him major worry lines. He needs to collect himself. You had your own remarks to make too. I need an honest answer, Madeline."

"That's all I give." She said with a smile.

"No, you like to answer cryptically or sidestep the answer completely. Don't do either just give me a blunt answer. Did I just sign cancellation orders for myself and Nikita?"

Madeline searched Michael's face. She could see the concern plainly on his face.

"No, he won't risk the future and he won't risk the present. He would have to answer major questions on it. Ones to which I think he would have a very difficult time answering to the Agency's satisfaction. I probably shouldn't tell you this but when he ordered Nikita's cancellation, there were repercussions. I can't go into details as to what they were. They were moderated somewhat by your involvement in the situation even though we are still unsure what that was. You are not adversely affected by your actions in it on the Agency level. Perhaps you might even say enhanced by it. Here, you went down a few rungs on the ladder. But you've made that up. And more. Try to work with him, Michael. Believe it or not, he sees you as a surrogate son. Remember that."

Michael watched her as she departed down the hallway. "Perhaps as a son but it's still a surrogate one. There isn't blood to make the bond." he whispered after her.

Chapter 17

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Feeling as if she was being watched, Nikita reluctantly opened her eyes. She propped her head up on her hand and groggily smiled at Christine.

"Hi."

"You look a lot better than two days ago. When do I stop being the chief patcher-upper for you two?"

Nikita gave a lazy smile. "When one of us retires?"

Christine made a disgusted sound and got up from her chair. "Lay back down I want to check out a couple of things."

As Christine examined her, Nikita couldn't resist making a comment. "I don't think you're really worried about the job of fixing us up, just the possible layoff." She gave a quick smile that froze on her face as she saw the serious look on Christine's face. "Is there something wrong with me?" She tensed as she feared what she was going to hear.

With a sigh, Christine moved away from the bed and started to pace. Ever since she had listened to Nikita's rambling as she moved in and out of consciousness the other day, a debate had raged in her. To say something to the woman who was the closest thing to a friend she had here and risk losing that relationship. Or to leave it alone and let the question that eat away at her relative peace of mind. Christine already had one secret carefully folded away. Did she really want to add another one to the chest? She had to ask, that was all there was to it. It mattered to her as a doctor and as a otherwise concerned party.

"Do you know that you talk in your sleep?"

Nikita's face quickly composed into a neutral look she had learned from Michael. Worry begin to needle her insides. She knew she did it but only when she was upset about something. And lately she had been a lot. She dreaded what she might have said. Keeping her voice calm and even she said,

"That's why I've been told. Usually I say things that either you can't understand or that make no sense."

"I understood everything you said whether you were asleep or moving in and out of consciousness. What I heard bothers me, Nikita. There's nothing about it in your file." She took a deep breath and then before she lost her nerve she asked, "Was she Michael's?"

With a heart that suddenly felt like lead, Nikita shaped a look of puzzlement up to her face. "What do you mean? I don't get the question."

"Was Michael the father of the baby?"

Pushing back the covers, Nikita decided to test getting out of bed. The only thing she had never wanted anybody else to know about was in the open. She had to play it carefully. But to make matters worse than she had imagined it could be, Christine was under the impression that Michael was somehow involved. This wasn't going to be easy. But Nikita knew Christine had a very good reason to ask her. It had nothing to do with being a doctor, a friend or anything connected with her at all. It only had to do with him.

There was a big secret attached to Christine. One that she and others had worked hard to keep covered up. Nikita had only stumbled on it accidently. While doing a SIMM for a mission she had tactical on , she'd come across a file marked 'paige'. Paige was the name of Michael's sister. Could Martina have information on her? The information in it had been even more astonishing than she had anticipated. Wanting to protect both Christine and Michael, she had destroyed it. She had wanted to sit down and have a long talk with Christine about it. Michael needed to know this secret. The load of guilt it would take from his shoulders would be well worth it.

But now was not going to be the time to discuss it. A lie seemed appropriate so Nikita went with it. Acting as if she was trying to figure out what Christine meant, she pursed her lips. Suddenly she snapped her fingers.

"OH! Now I gotcha! The baby dream! It's from when I was a little kid. I had a china baby doll that I wasn't suppose to touch. Well, as you know I don't listen very well or follow the rules, so I touched. She fell and broke off a couple of fingers, part of her hand. I don't remember now. But boy was I in trouble, my moth..."

"Don't lie to me Nikita. I thought you had more respect for my intelligence than that."

"I'm not lying to you."

"No I listened to you. You gave the baby up. She must have only been a few hours old when you did. Just tell me if she was Michael's."

"Really this is pretty far fetched. Do I look like I've recently had a baby? Think about it Christine. Wouldn't that have shown up in tests you done on me or something like that?" Nikita finished pulling herself off the bed. It was too hard to defend yourself when you were laying in bed. Besides I always think better on my feet.

"I wasn't looking for that kind of sign! Just tell me yes or no. And if he isn't what the hell were you thinking? Do you know what that will do to him? Especially if it was Jurgen."

Nikita was now visibly rattled. All composure was gone. She held on to the footrest white knuckled. Keeping a check on her temper so she didn't say something stupid was her goal at the moment. That and staying on her feet. She didn't exactly have her sea legs yet. She spoke a little more sharply than she intended.

"Back off. You don't know what you're talking about and I don't either. I advise you to drop the subject now!"

"You advise me? Get this then. I'm advising you! To tell the truth before I do!"

"Don't push me, Christine. I'm warning you. You are really off base here and risking a lot that you don't realize."

"Bullshit! God damn it Nikita! You have no right to keep this from him. He has a right to know. Hasn't he lost enough already? Do you have to take more from him? You're suppose to be in love with him or something like that! Prove it then! Don't be a coward! Have some friggin' guts to either tell him the truth or get out of his life!" Christine was rapidly losing all her usual cool headedness. Her troubled turbulent childhood was showing up in her words. Whenever she got emotional, it came out. It was apart of her she wasn't happy with, but she dealt with it.

"You do not know what you are talking about! SHUT UP AND GET OUT!" Nikita was shaking from rage and fear. Anger at Christine for what she was saying. Fear for what Christine almost knew about. Something that no one here was suppose to know about.

"Make me or tell me. Your choice. Push me some more. Madeline is just a call away so is Operations. Wouldn't they like to know this little bombshell?"

Under her breath, Nikita retorted, "And wouldn't they just love yours."

"What did you say?"

"I said she wasn't either of theirs."

"God so we go from a denial of existence to a lie as to where she came from. You are a piece of work. I thought you were better than that. Guess I figured you wrong. I assume you learned how to be a whore out on the streets?"

All the color drained out of Nikita's face. Christine thought she would hit the right button with her comment. She didn't count on the reaction she got from the woman opposite her. Nikita lost it. She brought her body up straight. Rage flashed in her eyes.

"You bitch!" The only thing she could think to do was punch the woman in front of her in the mouth. Christine backed up as Nikita staggered closer to her. The next words from Nikita were snarled into her face. "She wasn't your brother's child, Paige!"

It was Christine's turn for the blood to drain from her face. In an incredulous tone she asked, "What did you say?"

They circled around the chair. Nikita's back was to the door. Both women were so intensely focused on each other that they didn't hear the door open. Michael stopped short as he saw what was going on.

"You were listening! You heard me! How would you like it if I told what I know?"

"Who do you think they'd believe first? Besides you don't have the guts to tell him anyway."

With a vicious kick to the chair Nikita flew at Christine. Moving as fast as he could, Michael grabbed Nikita from behind. Quietly but with an edge to his voice, he said "Get out now!" to Christine. She was out of the door in a second. Nikita tried to break his hold from around her waist.

"Stop now before you hurt one of us."

"Let go of me!" She succeeded in breaking his hands apart only to fall to the floor. She got up on hands and feet, breathing heavily. Michael held out a hand.

"Take my hand and I'll help you up."

"I can do it myself."

"I know. Give me your hand anyway." He kept his hand out. Nikita flipped her hair out of her face and looked up at his hand. With a deep sigh of exasperation, she reached out for it and let him help her up.

"Want to tell me what that little fiasco was all about or do I have to ask Christine?"

Nikita shook off his hand with an irritated gesture and leaned her hands on the bed. "It doesn't concern you. It was just a difference of opinion. Stay out of it."

"Who's him?"

"Stay out of it, Michael. It's between Christine and me. You don't need to help me with this or protect me from it either. Back off! It's my problem to deal with. Is that clear enough for you?" She regret her harsh words as soon as she said them.

"Fine." He left her where she stood. Her trembling started anew as her shoulders shook with the stress she was feeling. Everything was silent and calm except for her ragged breathing. It didn't last for long. The door slid open. Nikita didn't need to turn around to identify who came in.

"We're not finished."

"I didn't think we were." Still strengthened by the adrenalin from the argument, she turned to face Christine free of any support except for her legs. "To satisfy your curiosity, I was 17 years old and in a foster home. Michael was not the father. Not by a long shot. I deeply resent the things you've implied. I would never keep something like that from him. I know what losing his son did to him. What it is still doing to him. How could you think I would do that to him?"

"I lost my head. I let anger do the talking. I"m sorry."

"I accept the apology but you should be sorry. For almost 4 years Michael has tried to get me to get all the facts before I jump to conclusions. I try I'm not always successful but I'm learning. You need to do the same. You don't do that as a doctor, why did you do it as a...person?"

With a moan telling of her own exasperation, Christine ran a hand over her face. Shoving her hands into her jacket's pockets, she started to pace.

"Do you know what I go through every time I see him come in here on a stretcher? Every time I stitch him up from yet another injury?"

Nikita smiled wanly, "I understand some of it. We've got something. For good or bad I don't know yet. Or for how long."

"This is going to sound real nosey but you and Michael are..." She waved her hands in the air before shoving them back in her pockets.

Nodding yes, Nikita added, "But never Jurgen. I don't think I could have. Almost but no. I hurt Michael a lot with that. It was a stupid thing to do. I tried to deny what I knew was true about the way I felt for him." She shrugged and leaned against the side of the bed, folding her arms across her chest. "There. My confession's done. Time for yours."

"Not yet. What happened to her?"

Nikita couldn't keep the sadness from her eyes or her voice. "I did give her up to a couple a few hours after she was born. They'd been trying so long and had so many dis...Any way that was a long time ago."

"Did her father help at all?"

"Helped me back to the streets. Helped himself to a divorce too."

"I'm sorry. It must have been a tough thing for you to go through alone."

"Like I said it was a long time ago. It's the past. It's over with. If I don't think about it, it doesn't have any power to hurt me. Right? "

Christine grabbed the chair and sat down. Inhaling deeply, she chewed briefly on her upper lip. "I guess. Where should I start? OK; the man in white, I sure Michael has mentioned him." She waited for Nikita's answer before she moved on. A bob of her head was all the answer Christine got, so she went on.

"He was a Section operative who was suppose to be watching the family. My father didn't know about it. They were hoping to bring down the group by keeping tabs on my family, knowing there would be retaliation. It caught them by surprise though. They weren't prepared. They managed to get me to safety. Michael wasn't so lucky. A deal was worked out with my parents. This operative promised he would protect me and raise me in another family. Keep me safe. As a way to thank my father for his sacrifice. My parents lost both their children and each other. They had to stay apart to stay alive. Until..Michael..."

Nikita knew what she was trying to get out. She knew the pain behind the words and memories. Christine didn't need to relive them right now. "Who was the operative?"

"Carson, Operations' predecessor."

"Wait I'm lost. Why did I find this out from files that Martina had? How did she find out? It doesn't all fit here. She doesn't fit here."

"Yeah she does. She and Carson were involved. I completely lost contact with him. But she kept tabs on me especially after Carson died. Growing up was not easy. I had brains, great grades, lousy home life and even worse friends. Somehow I made it through med school. Screwed up though. Helped a patient kill himself. Got charged with homicide. Got convicted and well you know how the rest of it goes. The first time I saw him I almost died on the spot. Can you imagine it? Seeing my little brother after all that time. Then finding out what had happened with him. He was missing something though. That cliche my mamma used to say 'la joie de vivre'. It wasn't there.

"It broke my heart. That spark was gone. He was happy with Simone. They were in love. But it just wasn't what I had always envisioned him as being like when he fell in love. I came here just before Simone had Merle. I delivered my own nephew. I couldn't save him either. I still can't figure out what happened. It never made any sense. One minute he was fine, the next complete systematic collapse. I'd stop one part of him from crashing and then the next one would go down. It crushed Michael. Then to lose Simone the way he did. We almost lost him too. He was just a shell. He was this place. As if this place could become a flesh and blood thing. But somehow he was. Until you."

"That's what I've been told."

"It's true. He came back to life. His heart was back. I saw some of the light he had as a child. The way you two are together is different from the way he was with her. She was in charge. At least that was the impression I got. She had the control. There's a balance between you and Michael though. I can't quite describe what it is but it just feels different. Feels right. Tell me what he like outside of here."

Nikita laughed. "I haven't had much time with him outside the Section except for recently. And well....honestly we've been concentrating on the physical stuff."

"You don't have to elaborate. Does he have hobbies? Likes? Dislikes?"

"He cooks, he paints. Ahh..he's a neat freak but I guess you already know that. He likes water. Peace and quiet too."

"Does he make you happy?"

"Most of the time. We're still just getting this together."

"I know. I just have all these questions all of a sudden. Is he happy?"

"Happy is a relative term for Michael. I don't think he's ready to let himself be truly happy. I'm the same way. How can we really be with this place hanging over our heads? He places a lot of blame on himself. He has a lot of guilt bottled up inside. Sometimes it comes out violently. He sees himself as a failure. There's been so much bad in his life. He needs to know, Christine. It will take away a good bit guilt from his heart."

"I can't. Not yet. And I'm going to say this as a doctor not his long lost sister. He's not ready. You know that as well as I do. Admit it."

"I guess you're right."

The door slid open and Michael came in. Christine looked over her shoulder and stood up quickly. "I'll talk to you later. Remember what I said. OK?"

Nikita nodded and Christine slipped past Michael and out the door.

As the door closed, Nikita rushed to talk first, "I'm sorry I was so harsh."

Surprise registered in his eyes but his jaw was still set and a tautness remained in the position of his shoulders. "I take it then you've resolved your differences."

"Yes, for the time being. Listen, Mi..."

Michael didn't give her a chance to finish. For the first time, Nikita noticed that his accent got stronger and he got more formal when he was angry. Like now. "I did not appreciate the way you spoke to me a little while ago. I came in to see how you were because I was worried. I wanted to assure myself that you were going to all right. I come in here with you about to pummel someone I thought you considered a friend just as I do."

"I.."

"I am not finished. Then you turn on me! That attitude you get! I've warned you before about.."

Now Nikita's own temper flared. "Watch it! I am not a child that needs to be reprimanded for misbehaving. Keep that tone of voice for a 5 year old! Not me! And if that's the way you want to talk to me, then one of us is going out that door right now. I apologized. I know it wasn't fair the way I spoke to you. If you're sore because you weren't privy to the discussion, then deal with it! As for my attitude, what about the one being thrown at me right now?"

His stance didn't change except for his crossing his arms across his chest. His silvery green eyes glittered at her. Nikita returned the look with one of blue ice. Neither was about to give the other an inch. But once again the overwhelming desire to avert attention from the subject rose up. She inhaled deeply and walked over to him. Slowly she traced with a finger from the back of his ear, along his jaw line to the tip of his chin. Then she glided the same finger along his lower lip.

Trying to hide his reaction, he closed his eyes. She was trying to redirect his anger and he didn't appreciate that either. Her finger slid down his chin to his throat, then his chest and slowly along his forearm. Nikita smiled as she saw goose bumps rise up on his arm. She knew she was breaking down his angry facade. A sly smile curved her lips. She had started out wanting to tease him away from his anger and questions but the temptation to be more physical with him was too much to resist. She need to feel something else from him at the moment. Something to choke the dull ache out of her heart and the feeling of having left something precious behind. Wondering how far he would let her go, she decided to push a little. Leaning in she rested her hand against the side of his stomach, spreading her fingers apart and brushed her lips against his. Sensing the tremour he was trying to suppress, she kissed him again and let her hand slip lower. This time he fully reacted. He grabbed her hand. He opened his eyes to glare hotly into hers.

Thickly he spoke, "This is neither the time nor the place for this. Do not think that by distracting me from my anger or our argument that either is over. Just delayed. "Us" stuff stays outside this place. No more of it here! I'm just as guilty of it as you are. I take some of the blame too. But no more. It is too dangerous!" He let go of her hand and stepped back. Then he noticed the worry in her eyes. "What's that look for?"

"Are these rooms under surveillance?" All she could think about was her and Christine's confessions to each other. If they had been overheard...

"No, this is not one of the ones that are. Why?"

"Thinking about privacy, that's all." She flashed him a quick smile. "Truce?"

He studied her in silence. He was going to take a while to decide about this one. Sitting in the chair, he took a deep breath and looked at her.

"Get back in bed and rest. I have to think about it."

Chapter 18

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Rubbing his hands in anticipation, he watched the leggy redhead set the bottle on the table. Bauer grabbed the bottle and looked at the label. It was the right one. He yanked out the corkscrew and the opener in one motion. He sloshed a mouthful into his glass and gulped in down. He nodded his head at the girl and she sauntered away. Nice ass.

His view of appreciation was interrupted by the man who stepped into it. With a sound of disgust from his throat, he poured two glasses and motioned to the seat opposite him. Philippe sat down.

"You failed." Philippe was simple and direct. There was no anger in his voice. It was just a statement of fact.

"No, I was double-crossed. What was the big idea?" Bauer leaned back in his chair. "I didn't need your people interfering Phil."

"It was necessary but I was disappointed that you could not overcome the inconvenience."

"Inconvenience?" He snorted and then added sarcastically, "I'd hate to see your version of a problem."

"My version of a problem killed 7 of your men and seriously injured 3 of them. I lost four in returned gunfire. I don't think you are capable of accomplishing what I need. I will to address this in another way." Philippe started to get up.

"I warned you he was the best. She's right with him. We both made mistakes there. We attacked her. That provoked him. We need to take them at a confined location. I know where they live outside the section. I'll hit them at the lake."

"They live together?"

Bauer took a gulp of the drink before he went on. Swishing the liquid around in his mouth, he shook his head and swallowed. "No, she's there a lot lately though. They're playing house right now. I think it's about time for the fairytale to end. Are you ready to rewrite the ending?"

Philippe stood and glared down on Bauer. "Fail me again..you die..Nikita suffers." He left Bauer to contemplate his departing back and digest his words.

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Madeline studied the 2 names on her monitor. Elena and Darcie. The question remains is Nikita ready for this responsibility. Everything points to the conclusion that she is. She has progressed more quickly than I expected. This will be the way to tell if she can put to use what she's learned.

The door moved to open in its track and Nikita stepped through. She was dressed simply in black slim pants, a short black zippered jacket and a white t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Madeline noticed the new additions to Nikita's way of typical way of dressing. She wore around her neck a small silver chain from which a small round charm hung. Around her ring finger on the right hand was the ring she had begun to wear when Michael had been presumed dead. Why she was still wearing it was a mystery to Madeline. It was a question that needed to be asked.

"How are you feeling?" she asked Nikita as she motioned her to a seat.

"Much better than 10 days ago. Thank you for asking." She looked around as if looking for something. "Is this meeting just us?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Were you expecting someone else to be here? You seem a little tense."

"To tell the truth yes, I thought Operations was going to be here too so I was geared up to deal with him. As I can see now that wasn't really necessary."

Madeline smiled down into her mug. After she took a sip, she motioned to the pot and extra cup before her. "Some herbal tea?"

"Thank you." Nikita poured herself a cup and took a small sip. "Black cherry?"

"You're right. It's an unusual blend I discovered got from an old friend. It is a great way to wake up in the morning. So how are things with Michael?"

Leaning back in her chair, Nikita pondered her answer. She hadn't seen him in a couple of days. He had been released several days before she had and then went right to a surveillance mission in Marseille. Time alone had been spent working her self back to her regular condition, even though Christine had complained to her that she was pushing too quick and too soon. The working out keep her mind out of the past and rehashing decisions that had already been made. Bit by bit her nerves had begun to feel frayed again. No matter how hard she pushed back on the uneasy feeling, it came back.

She had also worked out on paper the training scheme that she had been using in Israel, once again to keep herself busy. It was simple and free flowing, depending on the individual in question. Knowing the thoughts that hung around the edges of her mind drove her on to push herself. If she was occupied, they had no power, there was no room for them.

As for Michael, well that was a very similar thing. Honestly, she had been trying not to think too much about him. She missed his being around. Missed being able to talk to him. There were questions she wanted to have his answer to, opinions of his on what she was drawing up that she wanted. Though if she shifted her focus from something other than work, they were sitting there at the opening like a dog waiting to be let outside to play. But to give voice to that, couldn't do it.

"We're working on it." was her reply instead.

"You spent your first days back with him. I hope you were satisfied with it."

"You took it for granted that I would spend it with him. Did you have me followed? Or did you watch us?" Her words came out a bit sarcastically. The need to defend herself rose very strong out of her stomach. The sick...

"No, to both questions but yes to your statement. I did take it for granted. I also noticed how much more relaxed and I'll say at peace you both acted. I hope you both will gain some measure of happiness or at least satisfaction from this. I noticed you're still wearing the ring. How does he feel about that?

"I haven't asked his permission. I told him why I was wearing it and that was it. It reminds me why I keep going."

"And that would be?" Madeline inquired as she took a sip of tea.

Nikita finished the last swallow of her and answered, "Loyalty."

"Loyalty isn't black and white, Nikita. It graduates from one to the other but usually is pretty grey. It is not a good idea to wear the ring in the field"

"I don't plan to wear it in the field. As for the loyalty issue, maybe it's like that for you. I'm holding onto one absolute if you don't mind." Nikita looked at her steadily, almost daring her to continue on the path she had started.

"Your necklace is new?"

A smile almost crossed Nikita's lips. Nice segue Madeline. Round one draw. Round two... "Yes. It's, I mean it was a gift from Martina. A symbol of friendship."

"You miss Martina and being there don't you?"

"I would be lying if I said no. But I would also be lying if I said I didn't miss all this while I was there." She waved a hand in the air, indicating the room and beyond. She was sarcastic and serious at the same time.

"What did you miss most Nikita?" Madeline inquired softly as she poured herself another cup of tea.

Sensing a trap in the chess match they were playing, Nikita decided to protect her queen. No need to expose all. She knew Madeline could read her well enough. No need to confirm her assumptions anymore than she needed to.

"My bed."

Madeline seemed to digest this for a moment and then smiled. Just like Michael. Or was Michael being like Nikita when he had given her a similar answer. "Well on to other things. Are you ready to start?"

So that's it. No more questions, Madeline. No interrogation. No warnings. No lessons. Round Two also a draw? Hmmmm...You surprise me. What do you have up your sleeve, my dear? You always do because you don't know how to operate any other way. As she finished her thought she finished her cup of tea. Setting it down she smiled at Madeline. "Of course."

Madeline started to hand her a disk but she put up her hand. "I don't want to start with any preconceived ideas or someone else's first impressions. I want to start with my own. I let them show me first, then I show them. Were you picked via someone's impressions on a disk?"

Giving one of her half smiles, Madeline inclined her head to Nikita. "All right if that is the way you prefer to start, I'll follow your lead. Pick which operative you feel would be the best match for you."

"And the other?"

"Good luck, Nikita."

Taking the paper, Nikita stood and gave Madeline a small salute. "Thanks. See ya." With that she breezed out of the room, studying the names. Madeline leaned back in her chairs, tapping her two pointer fingers together.

Nikita's not wanting to read the files bothered her a little. Going in blind was unwise. Especially in light of the way Elena and Darcie were. They hated each other and often focused that hate on others if they were confronted. It was how they had finally ended up in Section One. Madeline knew that preparation was the key element to the start with these two. But she also fully realized that some one else's impressions could color and alter the ones you would made for yourself. Madeline hope that Nikita would be able to handle the situation she would be walking into. The best thing to do was to see what the outcome was to be.

As for their verbal sparring match, she had learned a few things. Michael and Nikita were acting on the feelings they held for each other. A bit of doubt over her decision pricked at her. Allowing them the freedom of a relationship outside of the Section would probably strengthen the partnership element inside the Section. The hope was there that it would not be carried to an extreme and jeopardize a mission. The flash of jealousy that she had seen in Michael when Bauer had approached Nikita worried her. He had controlled it but there were others watching. What if it were just he and Nikita with a mark? How would it then play out? Would either of them be able to perform if a mission required it? Answers were needed.

The situation with the ring was intriguing. He didn't mention it. Nikita didn't flaunt it. She just wore it. Since she had started wearing it, once or twice she had noticed Michael doing the same. She had seen him, on several different occasions, pull it from a pocket, wear it for a while and then put it back in a pocket. As if testing the feel of it or testing the strength the commitment.

She sighed, there was a degree of difficulty in figuring out a modified version of an enigma you had helped create. And that was definitely Michael, an enigma. It would be a small satisfaction of her curiosity to know how much of him Nikita had been able to figure out. Madeline smiled into her tea cup as she took a sip. In high school many girls wore their boyfriends' rings as a sign of going steady. Underneath the words, was that what Nikita was doing? Trying on a piece of a past she was never allowed to have or participate in? Interesting thought my dear.

Nikita breezed through Systems, the heels of her boots marking her way and the intensity of her mood.

"Got those pictures for me, Birkhoff?"

Birkhoff held up an envelope in the air as she walked by him. He was munching on a cookie and tried to mumble around it. She stopped and turned to look at him.

With a raised eyebrow she said, "Come again?"

"I said that Michael sent a message to you."

"And?"

"He said good luck and something about watching the moon tonight."

Furrowing her brow, she looked in puzzlement at Birkhoff, "OK, whatever you say." As she turned back around, she teasingly said, "Don't get crumbs all over. Makes the keys stick."

He smirked at her departing back. He reached down under his console and pulled up a can which he shook at her as she disappeared down the corridor.

"That's what canned air is for," he mumbled under his breath.

As soon as she knew no one could see her, Nikita broke into a broad smile. Watch the moon, yeah. You think you're really slick, don't you Michael? Maybe I'll show up tonight and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll make you come find me. She stopped as she heard the loud voices coming from inside the room. It sounded like a fight. She opened the door to see just that.

One girl, tall but broad shouldered with short spikey chestnut brown hair was trying to strangle another girl. This one with bobbed red hair that looked like it hadn't been washed in a week who seemed to be as equally tall was returning the favor. With a exhale of disgust, Nikita threw the envelope on the table and tried to push the two girls apart.

"Sit down. NOW!"

The two fighters ignored her. Getting between the two of them was not going to work. She pushed against both their shoulders but was shrugged off. With a shake of her head, she grabbed the brunette by the back of the neck and the redhead by the hair. Digging in, she yanked backwards. It didn't get them apart but it got their attention. And with their attention, whatever aggression they had towards each other was now focused on Nikita. Both went at her.

Nikita was driven back into the door. One punched her in the jaw, the other drove her fists into Nikita's stomach, close to her recently injured side. She ignored the bite that pain gave her in her jaw and side. Not having room to kick, Nikita kneed the brunette as she tried to land another fist. Pulling her strike back a little, she palmed the redhead in the chin. It dazed her and she staggered back trying to clear her senses. Brownie was coming back up for another try.

With room for a kick this time, Nikita cut the girl in the side of the jaw and she hit the floor. Not unconsciousness but throughly dazed. Red had regained her senses and grabbed Nikita from behind. Elbowing her, Nikita broke her hold, spun and backslapped her with a closed fist. Red rocked for a minute, blood starting to trickle from her nose before she fell backwards. Looking from one heaped form to the other, she shook her head. This is going to be a ball. If this is how the women are, the men must be an absolute joy! she thought ruefully.

Tucking her shirt back in, Nikita muttered to herself. "I said sit down. And I meant it then now not when you felt like it!" She emphasized each word with a tone expressed total annoyance. Leaning down, she grabbed Red by the front of the shirt and hauled her to her feet. Red swayed still not completely with it. Nikita propelled her to a chair.

"Sit your ass down and don't move until I tell you too. Wipe your nose too."

Brownie laid face first on the floor, moaning. Nikita grabbed her under both arms and dragged her to a chair. She threw her in it. The girl looked up at her with a bloody mouth, "You f'ing bitch."

Leaning onto the arms of the chair with both hands, she grinned into the girl's face. "Do you really want to learn how much of a bitch I can be? I was pulling punches and I've stitches here along my ribcage. Plus I've got a healing bullet wound in my right upper arm. And with all that I still put your sweet butt out on the floor. In fact both of you. And I wasn't mad either. Just annoyed. Want to try some more later? I won't pull punches then." When she was greeted with belligerent silence from the girl, Nikita spun her chair to face into the table.

She turned from them and walked back to the wall. Only then did she allowed herself a grimace of pain. That had hurt like hell. And she had drawn blood on two of them. Great way to start! What a happy little group rolling her eyes as she take a deep breath. She sensed the movement behind her before she heard it. Instinctively she whipped around her foot connecting with the side of Brownie's head. This time the kick was full strength. She was done being nice. The other girl's head snapped sideways from the impact and she landed on the floor with a thud. Blankly, Nikita looked at the limp form on the floor and then up at the stunned girl seated at the table.

"I trust I've made my point?" Looking her squarely in the eye, she introduced herself. "My name's Nikita. What's yours?"

"Elena."

"Nice to meet you." She angled her thumb at who was obviously Darcie on the floor. "Good friend of yours?"

"If you weren't here, she'd be dead. If that's what you mean by good friend. She's the whole reason I'm even here."

Nikita arched an eyebrow and said, "Oh." She looked over at the heap on the floor that had started to move very slowly. Rolling her eyes, she stood over the girl and grabbed her under the arms. Lifting up, she pulled Darcie to her feet.

"Darcie, me picking you up off the floor is getting to be a habit." She balanced the still nearly unconscious girl against her as she positioned her to sit normally in the chair. Then she let go, Darcie sagged into it, head lolling to the side. Nikita gave an exasperated sigh and crossed her arms. She stood there studying the two girls, waiting til Darcie regain coherency. The time passed slowly.

Elena shifted in her chair. She was uncomfortable under Nikita's unflinching gaze. "Don't you have anything else to do instead of staring at me?"

Nikita shrugged. "Sure, but right now I'm stuck here until Sleeping Beauty finds her brain. Would you like to talk instead?" She tilted her head to the side, calm and at ease.

Elena smirked and snorted, "Yeah right talk. Like you want to listen. Give me a break. Can we get on with this." She leaned over and shoved at Darcie's chair. "Yo Darc...open 'em up babe. I know you're just listening. Seen you pull this trick way too often."

"Go f..."

"Enough. I've heard enough out of both of you. Darcie welcome to our group. Thank you for joining us. I appreciate it." Nikita stood up and snatched up the envelope she had thrown there. She pulled some pictures from it and shoved them across the table. They were pictures of her when she had been arrested before they had sent her to prison. It was hard to see how they could be the same person. Clasping her hands behind her back, Nikita slowly and gracefully walked around the table. Using body language, she hoped to express her control and dominance over them. There was a hardness and stillness to her face. She let the silence build. They started to exchange looks and fidget in the chairs. When she spoke, the girls jumped.

Nikita had to hide the smile that threaten to break her careful composed face. "Notice any similarities?"

Nikita was answered with head shakes and negative murmurs. "Ladies that was me almost 4 years ago. Before I came to Section One. What you see before you today in the flesh is a product of the training and molding I have received here. I won't kid you, life here can be hell. Nothing you've experienced in your pasts will come close to what you will experience here. There's no more right or wrong. It's what will do the most good for the most people. It's how many lives will be saved by one action versus how many lives will be lost by that action. The bottom line is this: focus on the job, whatever it takes."

For the first time since she had written her little speech in Israel, she really listen to her words. And discovered she had managed to capture her entire experience as a Section One operative in a few powerful sentences. She wished someone had said words like that to her. Though at the time, Michael hadn't been the speech maker he was now. She hoped it made a difference for these girls.

Leaning against the wall, she continued. "What I did a few minutes ago was just a sample of what you'll learn. You become a weapon. But don't let what I did fool you. Yes you will become powerful. You'll discover strengths you didn't realize you had but don't fool yourselves. Face it , you are not Wonder Woman. You just have a few more tricks up your sleeve than the average woman. When you are out in the field, 9 times out of 10 that guy you're facing will be able to kick your butt. Women you'll more than likely be evenly matched with. You will have to call on your training to get you through a situation."

Elena spoke up, her voice sounding nasal. "I hear you beat that stud who 'greeted' me when I 'joined up'. He's suppose to be the best around here. They said you flattened him a couple of weeks ago."

Nikita looked down at her shoes and then with a small smile on her face she looked up. Stud. He'd love that. Maybe I should tell Simon about it first. Maybe Birkhoff. I'll file that for later. Could be useful.

"Yeah I did. But did you hear the rest of it? I looked away for a second and he had me on my back. I can't match Michael or most of the men in here strength wise. Some of them I can hold my own but that's about it. What we're going to work on is your femininity. Being a woman and acting that way will give you the edge you need. It worked for me. Madeline worked wonders on me. The picture's the before. You're looking at the after. Any questions?"

Darcie sniffed and mumbled past her swollen lip, "What is this all for?"

Nikita gave them a thin smile. "You're going through your first Section test. I'm deciding by interacting with the two of you, how I want to be a mentor to. This test is the first of many. They never end. In fact this is one for me. To test my decision making and my ability to handle the two of you."

"Who was yours?" asked Elena.

"Michael."

Elena shook her head and laughed. "Girl you lucked out! He is hot. The eyes. The bod. That accent. Whoa!" Darcie only offered an icy stare in Elena's direction. Elena returned it. "Problem Darc? Who'd you get, the little computer nerd?"

Nikita wiped a hand across her mouth to keep a wide grin off of it. It was a typical reaction to Michael and Birkhoff. Though she was not going to disagree with either statement, she was going to set the record straight.

"Birkhoff is a doll. He is like the little brother you always wanted. He is a genius. He can do things with computers that will blow your mind away. Watch and listen to him. You'll learn a lot. Always knows where snacks are too. As for Michael.. Don't let his looks fool you. He's the toughest one here. He knocked me down so many times I lost count. He is the best. He is the worst. Right now he isn't doing much one on one training. So it is unlikely you will get him as a mentor and trainer. He's working mainly with field operations."

"Don't you two usually work together? Like partners? Do we get them too?" Elena pushed the subject some more.

Nikita chewed on her upper lip, considering how to answer the question.

"Yeah we do. We clicked in training and I made his team. Believe me, it didn't get any easier. In fact, I can say it got worse. But not everyone works as a one on one. Usually there are no partners per se just teams. Michael and I work..."

"There's talk you doing him."

Nikita focused her attention on Darcie. "Excuse me?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. This was not a subject she had thought would come up in here.

"You two are supposedly doing it outside the Section." Darcie leaned back in her chair, slightly swinging side to side. "As I heard it, he was the Iceman before you came here. You melted him big time. You work with him because he wants you where he can keep an eye on you."

Folding her arms across her chest, Nikita decided that she would nip this conversation in the bud. "Michael is my partner in the field. We work together because we understand one another and have complete trust in the other's abilities. That's it. If you get a partner, he or she is not a sexual partner. Don't fixate on that person. Physical relationships are not condoned among active duty operatives. If you get involved in one, get out of it or count on being cancelled. Got it? Your number one priority is the mission. You don't question. You do the job. Before I get too preachy here, I'm finished. I just wanted to get to know you both a little. You'll find out my decision soon. You can go."

Elena split quickly, needing no urging. Darcie however stood at the door studying Nikita. Nikita picked up some of the papers from the table.

"Stop in Medlab and have Christine check you out."

"Yeah. Thanks for the advice. You're still a bitch."

"Been that way for a while now."

"You two are always together. You know I may be new here but I've got eyes. I've seen you two. I don't believe you."

"Whatever. Guess you have to find out your own truth then won't you?" She approached Darcie and focused her almost dead looking gaze on her. "A bit of a warning. First of all what you may see is not always the whole story. Seeing something doesn't give you all the facts. Appearances can be very deceiving. That little old grandmotherly type pushing the baby carriage could have two canisters of nerve gas hidden among the blankets and the trigger in her satchel. Second, words around here get you killed. Actions keep you alive. Remember that. Keep in mind too if I decide to be your mentor, I will ride you just like I was. I will not be easy. I will not be leant. As for your opinions about my relationship with Michael. Keep them to yourself. I don't need the grief." Nikita brushed past her and walked down the corridor.

As soon as she thought she was out of sight of any eyes, she leaned against the wall. It had not gone as well as she had hoped. Darcie had a major obstacle to clear, her attitude. Nikita had to grudgingly admit that she reminded her of herself when she arrived here. Now she knew why Michael had been on her back so much. That kind of attitude was an annoying and dangerous thing to deal with. It undermined authority. The attitude also made the decision easy for Nikita. She wanted to mentor Darcie. She understood the girl. Maybe she could keep her from having it as hard as she had. Pushing herself off the wall with a sigh, she proceeded down the hall.

She remembered the angry girl who had come to only to be blinded by whiteness and then the sight of Michael. She had hated him on sight especially after he made her aware that her momma had been true to her word.

Nikita squeezed her eyes closed tight for a moment before she opened them again. She had lied to Madeline that day in Michael's room in Medlab. Momma had come out of her catatonic state. She'd been fully coherent the last time Nikita had seen her. Coherent enough to rip words into her daughter's heart and soul that were still there. Even Michael had been unable to heal the wounds. She hadn't let him near them. Instead she concentrated on healing him. She knew how to hide the pain, at least she had until now. They were coming to the surface with a vengeance.

Those words replayed in her dreams. She wondered if any of the girls she had just faced experienced the kind of momma's "love" she had. She flinched and rubbed the side of her face as her momma's voice sounded in her head. Worthless little bitch! You left me here! Couldn't you have use that brain of yours to figure something out? You're brainless as well as useless. Should have dumped you when I had the chance. But did I ? Nooo, I felt sorry for the little brat. What a fool I was! I wish you never existed! You ruined my life! You know what? I hope you die alone just like I'll do one day. I only wish it's before me. You know why? So I can come after they bury you and laugh on your grave.

"Stop it Nikita! That was the past. Worrying about her is a waste of effort. You know that. Focus on what you're doing. Not on that!" She continued walking, brushing the grimness of her thoughts away with her steps. What about her, Nikita? Don't want think about momma so why not dwell on the little one? She stopped dead in her tracks. Slowly she took a deep breathe and then exhaled. Clearing her throat she squared her shoulders. The brow beating had to stop. It only smothered her self esteem and choked her self confidence. Not to mention the sadness that had started to seep into her heart.

She stopped at Madeline's door which slid open as if the person inside had been waiting for her. Madeline looked up expectantly and smiled.

"How did it go?" However that quickly left as she noticed Nikita's expression.

Nikita shrugged. Her expression made Madeline feel like Nikita's thoughts were very far away. There was a strange light in her eyes making them look haunted. "Fine. She needs a lot of work." She rubbed the back of her neck.

"Ahh...I'm choosing Darcie. Can I have the personality and psych files? I want to start doing some background work on her. Also can we schedule the make over in the next 2 or 3 days?"

"Of course, I'll see to it for you. Nikita, is there something wrong?" She watched Nikita idly try to spin the disk on her fingertip. "You seem very lost all of a sudden. Perhaps a little out of sorts? Or is it something with Michael...missing him perhaps?"

Nikita shook her head as she looked seriously at Madeline. The hook was baited and laying in readiness but she avoided. So deep in a growing feeling of guilt and self incrimination that she barely reacted to it.

"It's got nothing to do with him. He's got his thing to do and I've got mine. I'm not a clinging vine. I enjoy my peace and quiet too much for that. Right now, I guess, it's more of as needed basis, OK? Don't read too much into our relationship. Or push us into rushing this. We're not kids in a candy store or something."

She rubbed her hand over her eyes as if trying to push back a headache. It was an action Madeline had seen both Michael and Operations do many times. The stress they experienced on the job made both of them susceptible to migraines. Considering the upheaval Nikita had been going through lately, it was only to be expected.

"It's still ... I don't know what. Never mind. I don't know what's got me in this funk all of a sudden. Don't ruffle your feathers about it though. Do you mind if I commandeer an office for a few hours to work on this stuff?"

"Pick which one you want. Just don't mess it up, you know how he likes things neat."

Knitting her eyebrows together, Nikita looked at her. "Oh, Michael's office is the only one with an active terminal then?"

"Afraid that's true at the moment. I"ll see about getting you one set up. Or we could re-do the one in your quarters."

"Doesn't matter. Whatever." She started to walk away, still focusing more on her thoughts than what was going on around her. Almost as an afterthought, she paused before leaving and looked quickly at Madeline. "Ah thanks." And she was out the door.

Frowning at the closed door, Madeline returned to her monitor. Images of Nikita's first session played across the screen. She handled herself very well. Established dominance early and made it a very sharp point. Fielded the references about Michael fairly well. Darcie is going to be a challenge. I wonder how Nikita plans to befriend the girl and overcome the aggression. She has shown the willingness to confront. This will prove to be interesting. She stayed upbeat through the entire meeting. Somewhere her mood changed though. Or she covered it very well. I wonder what is on her mind. She was telling the truth when she said it wasn't about Michael. There's something else. Whatever is causing this mood, I hope she manages to break it. She can't operate with it. This sudden introspective tendency is interfering with her ability to focus. What is going on in that head of yours, Nikita?

Chapter 19

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Operations listened carefully to the voices that came through the speaker. His expression was calm but there was a calculating look in his eyes. He popped the tape out and looked it over as he held it up.

"Nikita and Christine...such secrets. A child and a past life for the two of you. Nikita, you just don't grasp the concept that nothing gets past us here. Eventually everything comes out. There are no secrets. Unless I decide they are. And for now, they will remain so. Christine, you have just turned into a perfect pivot point of control. Through you I can control both of the rebels I've got. Plus you."

Getting up, he walked over to the window and looked down into Systems. Things were quiet as the moment. Sensing eyes on him, Birkhoff looked up over his shoulder to Operations' loft. Operations acknowledged him with lift of his chin. Birkhoff returned the gesture and with a slightly bewildered expression returned to his screen. Rubbing his chin, Operations' thoughts turned to his confrontation with Michael of a few days ago. The younger man was in a sense challenging his authority. He's no longer a quiet acceptor of what must be done. He has this need to question lately. How much is Nikita's doing and how much is a result of the interaction with the Red Cell connection again, I'm not sure. His edge is still there, even seems more sharp than before. He has a need more than he did before to control. But is that just a manifestation of his need to control himself? He's made his feelings about her quite clear. More intensely than he did with Simone. He didn't have a need to protect her as much as he does Nikita. The question is though of how to use my trump cards without ruining or killing you, Michael.

Nikita's entrance into Systems caught his attention. He noticed the slump to her shoulders and the shuffle to her walk. Both very uncharacteristic of her. He wondered how much she thought about the child she gave up. She obviously did, considering Christine's comments to her and the reaction they had brought about. However it had not come up in any of the reports he had read about her before. Something must have triggered the rise of it again. Perhaps in Israel something between her and Martina. Perhaps the child's birthday was approaching. He thought briefly of Stephen. He knew now why Nikita had fought to keep his son alive. Stephen was his child and she could not knowingly take a child from its parent. Would she apply it in the reverse when a child was present? A weakness he would have to get rid of, it was a distinct liability.

"Hey, Birkhoff..."

Not bothering to look up, Birkhoff said to Nikita, "Yup?"

Running her finger along the back edge of the console his monitor sat on, she stared at the dust on her finger for a moment. Birkhoff looked at her quickly with a small frown and went back to the screen.

"No comments on my housekeeping skills or lack there of. This kind of equipment draws dust."

Shaking her head she replied, "I wasn't going too. What's today?"

"Ah... Wednesday."

"No, the date."

"6th of May. Why?"

"Just curious, that's all. See ya." She started to leave as Birkhoff turned all his attention to her. He had noticed the lack of life in her voice and in her motions.

"Hey, Nikita, is everything OK?"

"Yeah, great." Nikita answered as she slowly walked away.

With a sigh, Nikita flopped down in to the swivel chair at Michael's desk. Leaning back, she tried to get comfortable. The chair was adjusted so that it refused to do anything but stay straight. Muttering under her breath, she roughly shoved the disk into its tray and pushed it into the tower. The gears of the tray grinded in protest to her hard treatment. She pushed back against the upper portion of the chair again. It still refused to yield.

Anger or maybe it was just the mood she was in, made her stab at each letter on the keyboard she touched. She tiled the screen, giving her the history text of the trainee she was concentrating on as well as a place to put notes as she went along. As she typed in the date Birkhoff gave her, she froze staring at the numbers on the screen. The images before her began to blur as her eyes filled with tears. Her body quivered as she suddenly felt herself go cold and at the same time keep the tears from spilling down her face. It was so clear, so quickly. God is it really today? 10 years today.

Clenching her hands to stop their shaking, she lowered them to her lap. Then she tried several deep slow breaths to help get her self back under control. Holding herself ramrod straight in the chair and eyes focused on the wall across the room, she gave herself a pep talk. "It was a long time ago. You did the right thing. Now just get a grip and start on this. Get the job done. That's what matters right now. Not what happened in the past. You can't influence that but you can your future!"

Nikita shook her head as if to clear it and started to type again. "You forgot last year." She froze again. She knew that the voice wasn't real but it had so sounded like it had been right behind her. Squeezing her eyes tight and balling her hands into fists, she gritted her teeth together and hissed, "Stop it right now Nikita!" Guilt felt like a block of stone laying across her shoulders.

OK so I did try to forget but I couldn't. I fought the memories and the feelings of guilt and it only got me into a deeper depression than ever before. I focused all those feelings on Michael and the Section. Yes they were part of it too. I almost lost everything last year. I almost lost him the same way I lost you. By giving up and running away...

Leaning both elbows on the desk and burying her face in her hands, the shaking of her shoulders was the only sign of her crying. She could feel the spot in her heart that was empty because it was so close to where she held Michael. Groaning, she lowered an arm to the desk and laid her head on it. Deep in thought and memories, she traced a maze among the keys on the keyboard.

I wonder what she looks like. 10 years old now. Such a little lady now. Her eyes were so blue and that hair was such a golden reddish blonde. She was so delicate. Like a china doll. So perfect....I wish I'd held you longer. Wish I'd had the courage to fight for you. But I didn't do either. I left you in the arms of strangers. But who would be the stranger now? She ran her hands up through her hair and over her face, trying to wipe away the tears. Pain filled red rimmed eyes scanned the room. She had to get out of this place. It was threatening to suffocate her. Violently she shoved herself away from the desk and stalked out of the room. Any place was better than this.

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The voice behind her nearly made Christine fall out of the chair she was sitting on in her office.

"Tell me what interesting things you have hidden in those files, Christine?"

Operations kept his voice even and calm. Bullying and coming on strong were not the ways to deal with Christine. Now knowing how she was, he knew where the backbone came from. It had to be a family trait.

Slowly Christine rotated in the chair so she could face the man who stood behind her. Lifting her chin in defiance, she studied him. His stance spoke of the need to dominate. Not in my domain. She stood and leaned casually against the desk, folding her arms in front of her, never letting her eyes leave his. She'd been waiting for him and was prepared with her own ammunition. Something in her had said that now with Martina gone, the secret was fair game. And now the game was going to start.

"Doctor-Patient confidentiality, Operations. I can't share any of my 'secrets' with you. Wouldn't be right. Then my patients wouldn't trust me and that would not be a very good situation."

"You have a point there." He tossed a disk at her. "Here's a secret I've got. I'm letting you in on it. Take a look."

With a small sigh, Christine popped in the disk and briefly scanned the first page. A smirk developed on her face. My biosketch, the real one. She looked back at him. The smirk still in place and her head tilted to the side.

"This is your 'secret'? It's only one of them if no one else knows it. I know it and so do you. What's the big deal?"

"You obviously miss the ramifications of this, my dear."

Christine gave a short laugh. "Oh, I definitely have a grasp on them, Operations. I think they'll affect you much more than me."

"Oh and you don't have any worries about Michael finding out?"

"I figured one day he would. Hell, I might even have decided to do it myself. Who knows? Yes, I realize he will be upset and angry at first. But he'll get over that fairly quick. He'll understand."

"You're taking a lot for granted. He could hate you."

"Maybe. Maybe not. I can deal with what comes. It was necessary. But you? Now there's a good question. How will you come out in this? Another secret kept from him about someone he cares about? Someone whose fate he harbours a great deal of guilt about? The earthquake will be big but then just wait for the aftershocks! Got good insurance?" She picked up a pad and pen from the desk.

"I got a question for you, Operations. What do you want on your headstone?"

"You think this is funny, Christine? I feel sad for you. Your world hangs by a thread. I have the scissors. I can send it crashing to the ground with one snip. Michael hates to be betrayed. Loyalty is a major issue for him. You break it, he doesn't look back."

"I told you I'm not worried about that."

"Don't kid yourself into thinking his relief over finally knowing his sister is alive will temper his anger at your deception. He doesn't stay here because of love for the place. That was crushed out of him a long time ago. He stays out of a sensing of obligation. That and a need to survive as well."

"Obligation to others in the Section. The ones he cares about, Operations. Especially to Nikita. Michael knows what the plans for the future are. There are a number of us here who can see the signs. He stays now for her and for the future."

"I can use this information to create damage, Paige." He said her name slowly and deliberately. Trying to cause ripples of fear in her. Too late for that. She was already afraid. Her words were brave but she had big doubts are to their veracity. Michael would explode over this, especially considering what he had experienced within the past year. He was on the verge of a meltdown. The brief period in that catatonic state was only a warning sign. The worst was yet to come. For once she wished she would be wrong.

Christine focused her attention on a spot on her sleeve. Scratching at it with a nail, she cleared her throat. "Have you found him yet, Operations?"

"Excuse me?" Her question had brought him up short. There was no way she could know. Was there?

A malicious smile formed on Christine's face to replace the earlier smirk. "You heard me. You've put Michael in a very precarious position. His life, just like the rest of us are now, is in danger. There's nothing to say that L' Araigne won't go after me or someone else to get at him. The likely target will be Nikita though. He's not stupid and he's been privy to Agency files as well as those from every Section substation. He'll know just when and how to get what he wants. Would that just be a ball?"

"So I guess we have a bit of a stalemate. I'll do it if I have to, Paige."

He spun on his heel and walked out. Christine sagged against the desk. She laid her forehead against her palm. I'm screwed.

Operations stood outside the door. Things had not gone as planned. She was good, been prepared and all for his coming. Her information regarding L' Araigne had been a surprise though. He could only guess that Martina had warned her when it first happened. There was a grim set to his jaw as he thought about Martina. Her fingers had been close to many buttons. How many more he was worried about discovering.

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For several hours, she had driven around. Mindlessly wandering, trying to settle her heart and ease her mind and soul. It didn't work though, her head was moving in the same circle was when she started out. Without consciously planning to do it, she found herself almost at the turnoff for Michael's cabin. She didn't know if he would be home or not. In fact, she didn't know when he would be returning. But that was something she could bear at the moment. Right now she needed the safety and peace she felt when she was there.

Using the key he had given her, she slipped inside and set the alarm for standby and went straight upstairs. Shedding her coat, she curled up on the bed, wrapping her arms around his pillow. Memories floated through her mind. Images accompanied them. Tears started to fall again. Sobbing she buried her face into the pillow. She hoped the tears would wash some of the pain away.

Chapter 20

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Blinking as awareness came back to her, Nikita realized that the sun had already set. A bit of it remained at the edge of the horizon. The moon was even making its appearance. It looked like it was going to be full after all. She knew that the reflection off of the lake would be wonderful. It was what Michael meant in his message to her through Birkhoff. She hoped he would be there so they could share it.

She sat up, rubbing her stiff shoulder. Where Elouette had shot her twice still ache almost every time she woke up. Her shirt felt damp.

She knew she'd been dreaming but couldn't recall what they had been. Vague images float in her mind but they were unfocused. Like looking out a window wet from a teeming rain. If only the ground it fell on would be her memories. They needed the refreshing. Too many were bad. Some more good ones were needed soon.

She got up and decided to take a shower. Quickly stripping, she stepped under the pulsing spray and let it run over her. After a while, the water began to get tepid. Reluctantly she turned it off and got out.

Grabbing a towel from the rack, she started to dry off when she realized she was standing on her clothes. With a sigh of exasperation at her carelessness, she wrapped the towel around her and padded out into the bedroom. Hoping it would stayed tucked, she started to look through Michael's dresser. Somewhere in here I know he has those jogging pants I wore before...

Surprise popped her eyes wide as she pulled the small cream and gold box from the drawer. The sticker on the top indicated it was from the lingerie shop that was only a couple of blocks from the Section. She bit her lower lip, unsure of whether to open it or not. Turning it over, she saw that it wasn't taped shut. Curiosity got the best of her and carefully she opened it. Unfolding the tissue paper, blue silk the same shade as her eyes greeted her.

"Oh Michael!" she whispered as she pulled the gown from the box. Unable to resist trying it on, she scurried into the bathroom.

It fit perfectly. The tank top like bodice was fitted to the waist. Slightly shirred in the middle, the neckline was a deep v. The skirt flared slightly at the hips and then fell straight to the floor. A slit ran from just the point of the hip to the floor. Pulling the twisted towel from her hair, she combed it out, letting it hang straight down. She looked at her reflection. All I need are the wings and halo. Is this what you see when you look at me Michael? An angel? I think my halo's tarnish is a little too thick for that. You might actually be dealing with the devil in disguise here.

She picked up the bathroom and straightened up the bedroom. With a sigh, she looked around. She still felt and empty unsettled but as she had hoped, the tears had helped a bit. Restlessly she wandered over to the back part of the bedroom loft where Michael kept his sketches and paintings. The moonlight was so bright in its reflection from the lake that the light even reached into it. She touched the small tape player that leaned against the wall and switched it on. Soft but sad music floated from the speakers.

Slowly she looked through the sketches that laid scattered on the bench top. There were landscapes, some variations of the lake outside and some animals. Others were of people that hadn't been completed. There were some buildings, too. The one that caught her eye though was of two small children playing in a sandbox. One child was a boy, the other a girl. They were helping each other build a sand castle and laughing. Nikita smiled sadly and closed her eyes, she could almost hear the birds, the gentle rustle of the tree leaves in the breeze and the laughter of the children.

Eagerly, Michael opened the door. He had seen the car parked out front and felt relieved she had understood the message. It had been stupid of him to do but he had wanted to see her so much. All the lights were off but the moon made them unnecessary. He could hear music softly coming from upstairs and climbed them by two till he reached the top. Then he saw her.

Somehow she had found the gown he had bought on impulse when he thought he had lost her. The blue had been the color of her eyes. Eyes he had thought he would never see again. And there she was in it, looking as he had hoped. Her hair reflected the moonlight and so did the silk of the gown. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. When he opened them again, she still hadn't moved. Slowly and quietly he approached her. For a moment he thought she might have fallen asleep on her feet. Then he noticed her eyes opening and looking down at the piece of paper in her hand. She set it down and slowly traced a finger over part of it.

Nikita stood by the bench. Lost in the thoughts invoked by the sketch, she hadn't heard him come in or up the stairs. As she moved a finger along the outline of part of the sketch, a movement at the side of her vision caught her attention. She turned in the direction and for a minute couldn't breathe. Michael stood there, wide eyed and staring. He was breathing through his mouth, as if he had been running.

"Oh.." was all she said as she crossed what little space was between them and in to his arms. Michael hugged her close feeling the tension and weariness drain from him.

"Incroyable" he whispered against her ear.

She pulled away and looked at him. Tears had already started to form again.

"What?"

Before her tears completely registered with him, he started to speak,

"Incred..." He cut himself short as he saw the tears spill over. "What's wrong? Why are you crying? Did something happen? Are you alright?" The words tumble out of him. He hadn't slept in four days except for the quick nap he had grabbed on the plane. He had fought sleep all the way back from the debriefing he had with Madeline. She fortunately had cut it short after he yawned in the middle of a sentence. When she had heard about his lack of sleep, she had stood up and ordered him home. An order that he had gratefully followed. All thoughts of sleep had fled though as soon as he had seen the car parked out front.

Nikita answered him with a kiss. The pain inside came out in the intensity of it. He returned it in kind, threading his fingers through her hair.

Slowly he broke the kiss. Leaning his forehead against her, he softly said, "I see the pain in your eyes and I feel it when you kiss me. Tell me what hurts so much. Did you have another dream? Will you tell me about it please?" He released her hair and trailed his hand slowly down to the small of her back. Her own hands drifted down from his neck and played with the strings from the tie front placket on his pullover

Huskily she answered him. "No but I can't. Not yet. Someday I'll be able to." Leaning her head back, she looked up into his eyes. He studied her, trying to figure out what was going on. "Right now, just love me. Make me think only of you and how I feel about you. Show me how much you love me."

Nikita started pushing the waistband of his pullover up, eager to it off of him.

The hands that had rested in the small of her back now gripped her hips tightly. He pulled her hard up against him, his eyes dark and gleaming.

"How about how much I need you too?" They kissed again. Michael scooped her up and carried her closer to the bed. Gently he dropped her onto it and stepped back to pull off the pullover. Nikita got to her knees and tugged the t-shirt from his pants. It was tossed to the floor too.

Leaning down he kissed her again, seeking her tongue. Nikita moved backwards to give him to get on the bed with her. He did without leaving her lips. Michael reached out and pulled her to him again, hands sliding over her. She fumbled at the closure of his pants as his lips moved from her mouth to her jaw line and then to her throat and shoulder. Groaning she leaned backwards as his tongue slide down the v created by the neckline of the gown. He pushed the straps off both shoulders, slinking the silky material down.

They shifted positions and sunk deeper into the bed. The remaining clothing on both of them was sent to the floor. Touching and caressing continued with hands and mouths.

"I want you," he moaned against the spot on her neck where he could feel her pulse.

"What are you waiting for?" she asked, her voice thick with emotion. He pulled her under him and their bodies joined. "Oh yes..." she moaned.

"God, I missed you," he rasped as he sought her mouth and tongue again.

As the sounds and actions of their lovemaking intensified, a figure slipped from the shadows at the other end of the room. Bauer's eyes burned with his own thoughts and reactions to watching Nikita and Michael make love. He finally was getting to see what he wanted but at the same time he felt incredible jealousy towards Michael. That should be me! Not you boy! Just wait, Nikita. Soon you won't have to worry about sneaking around to be with your lover. And you'll find out what an amateur he is. Just wait til you get a load of me in action.

He glided back into the shadows as Michael reached down and pulled a cover over them as they laid tangled together. Michael played with a strand of her hair was she lay with her back to his chest, eyes closed.

"Feel better?" he whispered against her ear.

"Yes, much better." She snuggled closer to him and he responded by hugging her tighter to him. "I love you."

Stifling a yawn he replied, "Ahhh...I love you too."

Smiling, she rubbed his arm. "Go to sleep. You're exhausted." She laughed as she heard his slow even breathing in her ear. He had already drifted off.

Inhaling deeply, she closed her eyes too and fell asleep in his arms. For the moment, she felt safe, settled and loved. It would do for now. She knew it wouldn't last.

Bauer oozed out of the shadows again and approached the bed. Pointing his finger at Michael like a gun, he made a shooting motion. He felt something snag his foot and picked it up. A lascivious smile crossed his face. He stuffed the blue silk gown into his jacket and slipped down the stairs. As if sensing a presence, Michael's head came up. His eyes and senses showed complete alertness. He stayed that way for several minutes, waiting to catch the slightest noise or movement. Satisfied that he must have been dreaming, he settled back down, pulling Nikita in tight again.

End of Part Three

written by Tammy

continue on to Shades of Grey IV

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