Oct. 10, 1996
Desperately Seeking...
Handsome, Ton Cruise look-alike, outgoing, rich, honest, and healthy 29 year-old SAM enjoys hiking, traveling,
cooking, wildlife, ballet, theatre, and comedy. Seeks SF who is sophisticated, responsible, understanding, romantic,
and well-educated. Must enjoy candlelight dinners, quality time at home, quiet moments, fascinated with lower lifeforms,
and enjoys watching the eradication of toxic waste. I will be waiting for your call so we can start something magical.
What This Ad Really Means:
Desperately Sicking...
Handsome (if compared to apes), Tom Cruise look-alike (was mistaken for Tom Cruise while using a restroom
stall in a Hollywood restaurant - it turns out that we were wearing the same kind of pants that day), outgoing (misprint - should be
"outpatient" from a mental institution), rich (in protein), honest (when sleeping), and healthy
(the sewage consumes more nutritional crap than me), 29 year-old (but thinks like a 13 year-old) SAM
("A" stands for a part of the human anatomy and vulgar in nature), enjoys hiking (cheap car always breaks down),
traveling (getting kicked out by the landlord every few months), cooking (Pop Tarts, Cup-O-Noodles), wildlife
(molds growing inside the fridge), ballet (strip club), theatre (strip club again), and comedy
(laughs when looking at own's paycheck although crying is more appropriate).
Seeks SF (anybody with a pulse) who is sophisticated (doesn't pick her nose in public), responsible
(always puts the toilet seat up when done), understanding (knows that when grown men get together, Wedgie is considered mature), romantic
(doesn't snore in bed), and well-educated (you're qualified if you can spell "dog").
Must enjoy candle light dinners (can't afford paying the electric bill and also turns off the lights to hide from bookies), quality time at home
(by watching all football games and highlights on Sundays), quiet moments (...of silence when the 49ers lose), fascinated with lower lifeforms
(makes fun of Raider fans), and enjoys watching the eradication of toxic waste (you have 2 tickets to watch the 49ers crush the Cowboys on Nov. 12).
I will be waiting for your call so we can start something magical (I'll cut the BS. I am desperate, and I am willing to pay $25 more than face value of the ticket so give me a #%@& break!
Sell me your tickets, and I will never bother you again!).
DISCLAIMER: This is not a real personal ad, but a futile attempt to solicit 49er tickets. If you were somehow still attracted to my personal qualities then you are a very
sick individual...and we are meant for each other.
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