August 11, 1993
The Agony of the Feet
I guess the saying "Life is not fair" and "Life can be cruel" can happen at the same time. Because of circumstances beyond
my control (which means I will be broke soon), this will be the last time I will be begging for 49ers tickets this season. All I need
is a pair of tickets against the Rams and/or against the Saints.
"Why?," you may ask? My better-half or worst-half, depending on which part of the month we are talking about, wants to have a baby which
I think she wants so she can intentionally ruin this football season for me! That is very inconsiderate and insensitive of her! WHAT ABOUT
MY NEEDS? I have feelings, too, you know.
Pretty soon that baby will need a role model, and why does it have to be me?!! I don't think I can be a good role model anyway. I eat lots
of junk food, I listen to heavy metal, I love war of flatulence, I watch "Beavis and Butthead," I think personal hygiene is a thing of the past,
I admire anybody who can play the Star Spangled Banner by making armpit noises, and I pick my nose while I drive on the freeway. But the
worst crime of all, I still find myself worshipping the 49ers even after mistreating my hero, the great JOE MONTANA.
BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS...
Is a baby really better than football? Can you throw or kick a baby like a football? I probably can, but having a cellmate named "Big Bubba"
or "Slick Rick" is not part of my future plans. I also heard they don't serve beer in prison. Babies throw up...well, I do, too, but I always know when to hug
and French Kiss a toilet bowl when needed. Babies cry a lot...well, I do, too, but only when Joe was traded, and I will never be embarassed to admit it.
Babies are so immature...well, I, I...have no comment regarding this one.
Let's face it, folks, with Joe gone and Steve Young suffering a severe career-ending injury, the 49ers' demise is inevitable. By midseason, you think you're reading
the obituaries when it is actually the sports page. You will also get rid of your tickets faster than the effects of laxatives. Come on! I'll even name my baby after you. Somebody save me
from the agony!!!
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