Aug. 24, 1994
What You Didn't Know About Life and Love, But It Doesn't Matter Because They Both Stink Anyway
"Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates, You Never Know What You'll Get" Let's say you accidentally
left this box under the searing heat of the summer sun. You come back and open the box, and you see your chocolates looking like a big mushy
pile of "you know what." Well, that's what life is all about...it's just a big stinky mushy pile of "you know what."
"Love Is A Many Splendored Thing" First, there is the nauseating "huggy-kissy" long distance
phone calls every night. Then, there's the "it's not as cheap as I thought" dinners and dates. After that, there's the "Oh my God! What have
I done" engagement ring. Followed by the "Oh no! I'm trapped" wedding expenses. Of course, there's always the "Somebody dial 911" credit
card bills. Last, there's the "What's Dr. Kevorkian's phone number?" divorce and lawyer's fee. Plus, the "Shoot me now" alimony payments.
Which is why they should change it to "Love is a many spending thing."
"Life Is What You Make Of It" What a depressing thought! Got Pepto Bismol?
"Love Is Blind" Not only is love blind, but it's deaf, too. It seemed that every wedding I've been
to, all the brides said the same thing when they exchanged wedding vows with their grooms. All these grooms I talked to said they never heard
it, but I could've sworn that when the brides said their vows they always say "Your money or your life?"
"Life Is A Long Lesson In Humility" This one is so true. When I was born, my mom said that I was seven
feet tall. Because I humiliated myself in every phase of my life, I am now a midget.
"Love Sees No Faults" Oh, really! Do these sound familiar? "Why do you keep forgetting to put the
toilet seat down," "What do you mean I'm getting fat?!," "Stop looking at her," "Spraying your dirty socks with Lysol is not the same thing as
washing them," "The garbage disposal is not used for disposable diapers," "Just because it's your favorite underwear doesn't mean you can wear it
for five straight days!"
"Love Is The Salt Of Life" Doctors and nutritionists claim that salt is bad for your health, and you should try to
avoid it and use substitutes instead. That means love is bad for you, but what is a substitute for love? Consult your nearest adult store for some professional
advice.
"Life is like football. You get kicked high in the air and fall flat on your face. You get thrown all over the place and drop you
like a hot potato. They'll try to run with you, but will carelessly fumble then everybody will try to pile on top of you so they'll have you in their possession. If you
do something right, you get to score, but what's the point? They'll just spike you hard on the ground. Somehow they'll pick you up, but you'll get lost in the crowd
because that's where they'll end up kicking you so they'll have something extra."
Well, I definitely feel like a football because I feel so used and been kicked around so much! Oh, sure, when it's an exhibition game against the puny Tampa Bay Bucs,
everybody is lining up to sell me their tickets. But if it's a game against the worthless Raiders, the answer is always "Noooo!" All I need is a pair or even a single ticket so I won't feel
abused, is that too much to ask?
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