July 13, 1994
One Thing Leads to Another
When I was growing up, I was getting mixed messages from my parents. My dad would say, "It's a dog eat dog world out there,"
then my mom would say, "You are what you eat." I didn't know that if you literally combine the two, you can get in to some
trouble with the Humane Society. Speaking of trouble, I also found out there are some things you can only discuss around your family
members. I remember when we had a road trip with my parents and their friends. We passed a dead furry critter when I pointed and quickly
exclaimed, "Dinner!" It was so strange how we were never invited to any gatherings after that. It was also the start of a beautiful
friendship between my parents and Safeway because that's where we started getting our meat and not from Highway 49 like we used to.
Boy, rumors do spread faster than my receeding forehead, don't they?
Speaking of hair...or lack of it, have any of you recovered from the "hair-raising" experience from attending Catholic school? Catholic school...the place
where they tell you to shut up, pray, sing Kumbaya, and get your hands slapped with a ruler for having long fingernails! We were required
to get a crew-cut every month and our hair length should not exceed more than half an inch...and that's just for the girls! I don't get
it on why we need haircuts when every classroom I entered has a picture of Jesus with his hippie long hair. Up to this day I still have flashbacks
of a nun yelling at me, "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"
Speaking of pudding, isn't there any more natural desert than the fruity flavor of blue Jello? I can never recall any fruit with light blue juices. I think
blue Jello consisted of chilled pool water with sugar added, but it makes me wonder where it gets its sour flavor.
Speaking of sour, I remember this girl I used to date who gets upset whenever I wanted to check her driver's license. All I wanted to do was look at her picture so
I didn't know what the big deal was. Then I finally figured it out! She thought that I wanted to check out how much she weighed. She thought I might find out that
she lied, or I might do some imaginary calculations on how much tonnage she had gained since the picture was taken. I don't know why she was so paranoid because
she wasn't overweight at all. No, no, no.
Speaking of water retainers, have you ever wondered why is there such a rage for bottled water? They even have expensive fancy water bottle packs out now! These
people who spends enormous amount of money on bottled water are the same people who mark their territory when they use the pool then will accidentally drink the water
when they are swimming. Hmm...maybe this explains the sour flavor for blue Jello!
It seems like this message is going nowhere. Speaking of nowhere, this is where the teams from Dallas, Los Angeles, New Orleans, and Denver are going. That's because their
NFL teams will be playing the mighty 49ers! All I need is a pair of tickets for the games against the stinky Cowboys, hopeless Raiders, choking Saints, loser Broncos, and the dreaded
Rams. I am really really interested in purchasing a pair of tickets against the Cowboys and the Raiders. Why sell them to some obnoxious Raider or Cowboy fan when here is a 49er
faithful just begging for your mercy. I'd even settle for a single ticket, and I'll just leave my spouse with my dog at home because she can't smell the difference anyway between me and
Fido. If you can't sell them, maybe you can just let me touch and sniff your tickets which is like miraculously curing a leper. Am I desperate or what?!!!
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