Anns Ponderings

the willingness to live without
all basic necessities
to give up all free will
to change who and what you are
to turn from people who were once important
to toss personal beliefs aside
to let responsibilities fly out the window
to do all this with out a second glance back
or even second thoughts as to what
you're doing might be wrong
or what you might loose

to selflessly do all that for the soul purpose
of being with one person
to take on the personal responsibilities
of doing what ever it takes
to make that person happy at all costs
in the hopes that in return they will love you
even if it's a little bit

sounds ridiculously strange does it not
that a person can give up so much
and only live with the hope that
someone else will give that back in return

seems rather ironic doesn't it
when that never happens and 
the person is crushed from the inside out

the fact it happens all too frequently is scary
especially once the person realizes it has happened

then of course the self-loathing kicks in
the person goes through such a depression that even the suicide gods ask  for a break.

most people pick up and move on
chalking the whole experience up to
a lesson learned never to be repeated

sad thing is there are people
who repeat this vicious cycle over and over again
shall they never learn you ask
apparently not

you do begin to wonder how long it will be 
before the insanity takes them over and makes them snap
soon enough your question is answered
when you read their obituary in the local paper
then of course the rumors start
about how they ended their own hellish night mares

you pity them...safe in the knowledge you learned 
to cope with Love's devilish lessons
it is something not everyone masters their first try
that being said if you have be lucky enough 
to learn on the first try
please share the wealth of your knowledge with others
as it may well just save another tortured soul.




with razor blade in hand
grand intent cemented in the mind
arms and legs bared of clothing
the blade makes the first cut
slowly a small red line appears
along the trail the blade leaves behind
the pain in my heart does not budge
another slash with the blade
another red line appears
but the ache in my heart has eased slightly
another slice... another line appears
with each slice and line the pain
recedes a bit more
right arm full... wrist to arm pit... damn!
slowly the pain leaks away
Hmm-left arm bare and line free...
the blade resumes its motion
my heartache is ebbing away
damnations.. left arm full 
and yet the pain is still there
both legs empty and free of red lines
if I'm lucky there will be just enough room
between the both of them to free
my heart completely
the blade continues to leave its marks
now a walking mass of bleeding scratch marks
the pain has successfully been transferred 
to the outer body where the pain 
can be dealt with and accepted instead 
of in the heart where loosing his love 
can do far more permanent damage.


He caught my attention fairly easy
Talking to him seemed so right
Getting to know him seemed simple
The hours we spent talking were considerable
Our differences didn't seem too impossible to live with
We had no problem accepting each other
For who and what we were
Our friendship was rock solid
Then we moved on from then a bit to fast
We both wanted to belong to someone
We missed key facts we should have seen
For me falling in love with him came so easy
Despite the clear warning signs
For him though love came slower
And in a different form altogether
He said he kept expecting it to be the same as mine
But it wasn't meant to be
Time, key events, and people eventually
Made him admit the truth to himself
Then later to me
He decided to let it progress any longer would only 
Make it hurt worse in the end
We had a talk admitting certain truths
I wasn't really prepared or ready for our break up
I certainly didn't want it but I loved him enough
To let him go instead of loosing him completely
By insisting we stay together
To say my life was changed and me heart destroyed
Would be an understatement
He knew I didn't want it and it makes him
Fell so terrible for hurting me which he knew 
Would happened one way or the other
We both wished we had figured it out sooner
Or taken more time in the beginning
But we both agree we're glad we found each other
For we have remained the best of friends
Always caring for when no one else does
He's so lucky he has been able to move past the pain
But his love for me as a friend was always there that way 
And only grown stronger and became something I can count on
For me though this has been almost too much for me to bear
I loved him with all my heart and soul.. I still do and always will
I know I'm only causing my self more pain then I really need
By loving him as I do
I'm learning to let that love change to turn in to
The same kind of love he has for me
I know some day I'll be able to look at him when he's with someone
He's happy with that's not me and just be happy for him 
And not feel the heartache I do now.


My insides are so messed up
My head tries to tell my heart one thing
But my heart can�t accept it
My heart tries to explain it to my head
But my head refuses to listen
They continue to fight neither winning
They both end up fried and hurting nothing resolved
I feel so strung out
The urge to cut designs in to my skin is there
But the energy to do it is not
Thoughts of death rattle around in my empty mind 
Then get shoved away� what would be the point
It would just prove certain people�s point correct 
And my point would be lost
No one would really understand
And if they did they wouldn�t care
Those rare few who could and would care
Would be hurt and betrayed
So what�s� the point of killing myself
None! 
I need love to survive�. But 
I can�t trust that love to save my own life
So what's the point


Why is it when you find some one you love
That you are willing to put up with annoying things
From them you won't from others
How convent it is to ignore what you don't have in common
Especially if the list of things you don't
Far out weighs what you do
Dealing with the pain of knowing they don't 
Love you the same in return
Accepting the fact they love you as a friend
Does ease the pain a bit
Retraining your self to treat them as just a friend
Is some thing you know must be done
But can some times become extremely difficult
When the love you have for them
But try to deny is still there
In full force pushing you driving you 
To do anything to win them back when it's a loosing battle
Learning to step back and let them live their own lives
Becomes harder especially when someone 
Who isn't you comes in to their lives
Hating that person and the need to drive them away becomes
A driving force in your life
You end up spending a considerable amount of time
Trying to keep under control for the sake of your friendship
Goddess forbid that the new person turns out to be someone
You would truly in another situation love to be friends with
That little "catch 22" scenario leads to a 
Whole other set of confused feelings you're not sure you can deal with
But to save face and keep the friendship with other person you love so much
You swallow your resent meant be the truest possible friend you can be
Bite your tongue, turn your head and hide the tears and heartache 
For a time when you're alone and can afford to let them flow freely
With out humiliating and embarrassing the whole lot of you
And attempt to live your own life as best you can


Life can be extremely confusing some times
Situations don't always play out like you wish they would
And all the "cosmic energy" out there won't help you
Or give you what you want if it's meant to be
The sudden realities of it can be gut wrenchingly devastating
You loose so much hope and desire
You really don't think you can move forward
Trying to deny it or trying to drink it away
Or even altering your thinking with drugs won't change it
Or make it go away
The reality of your life will still be there
When you "sober" up
So what do you do
What else can you do but face it
Deal with it as best you can and hope for a brighter tommorow