SUMMARY: Chakotay discovers the real reason Kathryn had been avoiding getting closer.
DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to someone and something else, but I borrowed them for awhile. This is a non-profit exercise, so I hope no one minds that I played with them. This story may be reproduced and/or archived using any method you choose, but please contact me first and leave the disclaimer and author/E-mail information intact.
Apologies also to Jeri Taylor for my interpretation of some of the events that took place in "Mosaic."
Copyright 1998 by NODA. E-mail: [email protected]
*********
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?" Chakotay gasped as he entered Kathryn Janeway's ready room.
"I cut it," she replied, stating the obvious.
"I can see that, but WHY?"
"Not that it's any of your business," she said, leaning back in her desk chair, "but I was tired of having to do something with it every day."
"You could have left it down."
Janeway gave him her best "Captain's stare" and said, "You and I both know it's unprofessional."
"But did you have to be so drastic?"
"Chakotay, I don't know why this is such an issue with you! It's not like I dyed it purple or anything!"
'I almost wish you had,' he thought. He had never thought of his Captain as "frumpy," but that was the word that come to mind as he gazed at her, working at her desk.
"It's just that it's such a . . . ." 'Shock,' he wanted to say, but he held his tongue, as he allowed his voice to drift away.
Janeway stood, placing her palms on the desk and leaned towards him. "Commander, if you chose to remove your tattoo, I wouldn't take it as a personal affront. Why are you taking this so personally?"
'Because I lie awake at night and dream of running my fingers through that hair,' he thought to himself, but he didn't dare voice it. Ever since New Earth, Kathryn had kept a wall between them. Not an unbreachable wall, but a definite barrier, especially when she felt he was getting too personal. They shared meals and conversation, but he knew she had him at arms length.
"Are those the crew evaluations?" She asked, indicating the PADD he held limply in his hand.
"Um, yes," he answered, trying to pull himself together. He handed her the data pad and she added it to the stack on her desk.
"I'll look at this in a moment. You're welcome to have a seat and wait if you like."
Chakotay took her up on her offer. Apparently she had decided the subject of her new hairstyle had been closed, continuing with her work as if he hadn't mentioned it.
That was one of the first things he had noticed about her. When she made up her mind or closed a subject, it was final. She'd been known to relent one or twice, but it had to be her decision, her idea to back down. Fortunately, he usually agreed with her.
He watched her go over the pile of reports, almost oblivious to the fact that he was watching her. He knew that being the center of attention, as Captains were, caused you to learn how to shut out staring eyes. He had done it on his ship, and although he was the Second in Command on *Voyager*, he still had to deal with a room full of eyes following his every move. You either got used to being watched or got off the Bridge.
Kathryn looked up momentarily and smiled at her First Officer, who was patiently waiting for her to get to his report. She supposed she shouldn't be angry with him for his reaction to her hair, after all, wasn't it his response she had been looking forward to? What good was a change in appearance if no one commented on it? But he had taken it to extremes, and had begun to embarrass her. Sarcasm had been her only defense against her uncomfortable feelings.
"Help yourself to the replicator," she said, rubbing her neck as a headache started working it's way to her forehead.
Chakotay noticed the unconscious ministrations she gave herself, but didn't offer to help. The last time he gave her a neck rub he confessed his affections for her, creating kind of an awkward truce between them. After all his comments about her hair, he didn't want to remind her of that intimate moment so long ago, and cause her to shut down again.
"Can I get you something? Looks like you've got a headache coming on."
"You're perceptive, as always," she said with sincerity. "How about some of that herbal tea your always proclaiming the benefits of?"
He smiled and asked the computer for "Chakotay tea blend number four."
A steaming mug appeared, which he delivered to Kathryn. "Here you go; this should help."
She took a sip. "Not bad. I hope it works as well as your neck rubs," she hinted.
Chakotay knew this was about as close as she would get when she was asking something for herself. Hew crew or anyone else she could blatantly make requests for, but she was a different story. It wasn't that she lacked the confidence to ask for what she wanted, it was more like an act of sacrifice, the way a parent would put aside personal desires for the sake of their child. There was no question in Chakotay's mind that she felt as responsible as a parent towards her crew. Maybe even more so.
He stepped behind her and placed his large hands on her shoulders. She was incredibly tense, and wondered how much he had contributed to that tension.
"Don't forget, you're the one who asked for this," he said, kneading his thumbs into her lower neck.
"What is that supposed to mean?" She asked, trying not to sound as paranoid as she was beginning to feel.
"Only that the last time I performed this act for you we moved onto some rather personal ground."
Kathryn sighed. "I know." There was a long silence as Chakotay waited for her to elaborate. He almost broke the quiet himself, but suddenly she continued.
"I know I've put you in an awkward position Chakotay. On the one hand I respect and need you as a first officer, and on the other I really care about you on a personal level. Don't you think I know how I string you along? It isn't on purpose, it's just that I don't know how to be your Captain and more than just a friend at the same time."
Now it was Chakotay's chance to be reflective. "I know of the inner conflicts you face. I suppose it was one of the reasons I had to tell you of my feelings with a story. I did it because of my own fears of rejection, but also so you didn't feel you had to reciprocate and claim a deeper affection for me. I just wanted, and still want you to know that I'm here for you and I'm willing to wait."
She turned around to face him. The serious look on his face caused her to reach up and caress his cheek. "I can't ask you to do that."
"You didn't ask. I offered."
"But what if I can never reconcile these feelings?"
"Are things so bad now? I'm perfectly happy with the way things are, as long as we don't start denying that we're attracted to each other."
"Sooner or later you're going to want more from this relationship. I don't expect you're going to live the rest of your life as a monk."
"Who says I have to live like a monk?" He said, an amused grin turning up the corners of his mouth. "Think you're the only babe in space?"
She raised the hand she had just used to caress him and now threatened to strike him with it.
"Okay! All right! You *are* the only babe in space!" Placing his hands once again on her shoulders he said,
"Seriously, if it gets to be a problem we'll talk about it, Okay? You've already given me more than I had hoped for."
Kathryn's throat choked with emotion. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"
"Destroyed the Array and 'assimilated' my crew for starters," he smiled.
"Resistance was futile," she countered, wondering if Seven of Nine would be offended had she heard their comments.
Just then, a stack of PADD's crashed to the floor, reminding Kathryn of her back-log of work. "I guess I'll have to wait on your report Commander," Janeway said, once again all business. "These seem to be clamoring for my attention."
"Meet me for dinner in the Mess Hall?" He asked, purposely choosing a public spot so she didn't get the idea he had any "ideas." "Maybe you can give me your answer on the report's proposal."
"Sound's good," she replied, already buried back in her work.
"1800 hours?"
"It's a date," she smiled at him briefly before turning her attention back to the reports littering her desk.
*********
Chakotay arrived in the Mess Hall only moments before Kathryn. Acknowledging her with a nod, he walked over to where B'Elanna was sitting with Tom, Harry and Seven of Nine. Seven sat ram-rod straight, looking uncomfortable sitting between the two men, although Harry was attempting to explain Tom's joke to her, in an effort to help her join in the conversation.
B'Elanna felt a warm hand on her shoulder and looked up into the face of her former commanding officer. "Chakotay! Pull up a seat!"
"I'd love to join you, but the Captain and I have some things to discuss."
"What about my, I mean 'our' proposal?"
"That's one of the things we have to talk about."
"One of the things?" Tom questioned, hinting that there were more, and it was of a personal nature. "A nice, intimate dinner for two an it's going to be all 'shop talk?'"
Chakotay glanced around the crowded dining hall. "If this is your idea of 'intimate' Paris, I hope you and B'Elanna never get into 'group' sex!"
B'Elanna lashed out with her arm and punched him in the stomach, none too lightly.
"Ow! Tom, it's amazing you're still walking!"
"There's days I wonder if I'm going to live! Of course I could make things a lot easier on myself if I'd learn to keep my mouth shut!"
"*That* will be the day!" B'Elanna countered, trying to keep the smile from her face. It was evident from the way she looked at Tom, how much she loved him, even as she verbally assaulted him.
Seven of Nine listened to the exchange with confusion. Harry had explained to her that Tom and B'Elanna were seeing each other in a romantic capacity, but her behavior perplexed Seven. If she were interested in the pilot as a potential mate, why did she continually attack him, both with words and punches?
"Better not keep the Captain waiting," Chakotay said, noticing that Kathryn had already accepted a plate from Neelix and was heading towards an open table. "Have a good evening," he wished them.
Chakotay felt, more than actually heard the group speculate on his dinner meeting with the Captain. He knew from regular ship-board gossip they would be betting on how much of the meal was actually business and how much was personal. However, with Paris present, he was sure there were actual bets being placed.
Janeway glanced up as Chakotay took a seat at the table.
"Commander," she said in recognition.
'So it *was* going to be strictly business,' he thought. Accepting that he asked,
"Did you have time to look at the proposal?"
Kathryn eyed the mass on her fork with suspicion. "Yes I did. It's intriguing."
"'Intriguing,'" he repeated. "Is that good or bad?"
"It means I need more information before I can give you an answer." Kathryn pulled out the PADD to refresh her memory. "You say here that you think crew performance would be improved if there were more of a 'challenge' to their jobs. If we're in a particularly dead area of space, like we are now, how do we create these 'challenges?'"
"There's been some conjecture if we did some switching, moved people around, it would keep things interesting, keep people from becoming too complacent about their duties."
Janeway picked up a cup containing a brown liquid, which Neelix had the nerve to call his version of "coffee." Cradling the china in her hands she said, "How would you do it? I think the idea of having the crew cross-trained is an excellent one, but there are some, say the people in Sciences, who would be unsuitable, for example, Security."
She thought of Lt. Tyler in particular. While he was a brilliant physicist, she could hardly see him hauling his bulk around the ship chasing after an intruder. He'd be out of breath before he jogged down one corridor. A smile crept to her face as she imagined the scene. Tyler would give it his best shot or die trying.
Chakotay noted her grin and pressed his advantage. "I was thinking about offering it on a volunteer basis. There are many who are perfectly happy where their at, but I also believe there are some who would benefit from a change."
Janeway could see his point. She wasn't immune to the effects of the boredom they had faced recently. She was almost happy when something malfunctioned so she had something new to think about rather than reports stating that nothing had changed.
"Sounds good Chakotay, we'll implement it on the Alpha Shift tomorrow."
"I can't take credit for this," he said. "It was more B'Elanna's idea."
"B'Elanna's?" She asked, turning to look at her Chief Engineer whom she caught looking quickly away. "Why didn't she suggest this herself?"
"I think she's still a little apprehensive about approaching you after the dressing down you gave her and Tom a few weeks ago."
"When those aliens were experimenting on us?" She said, unconsciously putting her hand to her forehead in memory of the pain they had inflicted.
"I apologized to both her and Tom. While I didn't approve of their actions, I told them *I* was out of line as well with my reprimand."
"Yes, well, I think she still is a little embarrassed about the whole episode. She knew they were acting juvenile, but was kind of swept up in the whole new romance thing."
Kathryn looked over at Tom and B'Elanna again. They were holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, hanging on each other's every word. She too knew the giddy feeling of a new relationship. Not only from the past but from her current circumstances as well. It was easy to get carried away in the euphoria. Perhaps that's what she was so afraid of, and why she had been so hard on the young couple. She saw herself in them and didn't want to repeat their indiscretions.
Chakotay noted her far-off gaze. "Kathryn? Something wrong?"
"Hmmm? Oh. No, I just was noticing Tom and B'Elanna. They seem very happy, don't they?"
He followed her line of sight and looked at the couple with a slight feeling of envy. They were so open with their feelings for each other. Not caring who saw them or who watched. If only he and Kathryn could be so carefree. But he knew they would attract much more attention then the junior officers did.
"I can't say it's a match I would have made, but B'Elanna seems happy. Maybe the happiest I've ever seen her. I have to give him credit for that."
"Well all I know is there are a lot of broken hearts on this ship, now that Tom is effectively 'out of commission,'" she said, attempting another sip from her cup.
Chakotay felt unreasonably jealous at the comment. "Yourself among them?"
Janeway laughed so hard she almost choked. "You can't be serious! I think there's bit of a discrepancy in our ages among other things!" She looked into his eyes and saw a fleeting look.
"You *are* serious! What on Earth would I possibly see in Tom beyond a professional and platonic relationship?"
"You do have offspring out there somewhere together."
She couldn't believe he was actually persuing this. "I had about as much choice in that matter as I would have if someone cloned me from a resonance trace left in the transporter's pattern buffer! And believe me, it was about as personal!
Chakotay realized he was being unreasonable. "I'm sorry Kathryn. I didn't really think you had a "thing" for Tom, I suppose I still keep looking for reasons. . . ."
"That I'm being so reticent," she finished for him. "Believe me Chakotay, it's nothing you've done or haven't done. It's me. It took me *forever* to move into a relationship with Mark after Justin."
"And it's just a little too soon after Mark for me," he finished for her this time.
"Yes, that's mostly it."
"Mostly?"
"It's hard to explain. I *want* to get closer to you, but I'm scared. Scared of what will happen to our work relationship if things don't work out. Scared that I'll let my personal feelings color some of my command decisions like away-teams, et cetera. I can't afford to be distracted by you."
Chakotay placed his hand over hers, sliding his fingers under hers to almost, but not quite grasp them. It was an incredibly sensual feeling, especially since it was such a non-committal gesture. "But you already *are* distracted," he said, his dark eyes shining.
Kathryn felt a blush creep up her cheeks. Damn him! How could such an ordinary touch and that grin of his undermine all the work she'd done to keep things on a professional level?
Tom glanced over at the Captain and Chakotay. "Bingo!" he cried. "Ten minutes everybody! I told you he couldn't keep his hands off her! Time to pay up!"
Harry sighed and handed over his rations. "I thought for sure they'd keep things under wraps in public."
"It's not exactly like he's raping her on the table," B'Elanna grumbled, handing over her own share of rations.
"The bet was 'any physical contact.' You guys didn't have to take me up on it. Look at Seven. She knew better!"
"I simply found it demeaning to wager on the personal lives of the commanding officers." She said, not wanting anyone to think she condoned this sort of inferior human behavior.
"I don't mind losing so much," B'Elanna said. "You owe me dinner, and I plan to have every single one of those rations spent on me."
"Well he doesn't owe me dinner," Harry complained. "I need to get to the astro-metrics lab before I lose anything else."
Seven stood and hesitantly asked, "May I join you?"
"Sure!" Harry gleefully replied. Seven never accompanied him with out his practically badgering her into it.
"You sure know how to clear a room, Paris," B'Elanna said, leaning over to kiss him.
"I thought they'd never leave," he said, returning her kiss. "Let's get out of here, it's starting to feel really crowded in here."
Janeway watched her pilot and engineer exit the dining hall. "At least Tom and B'Elanna have seemed to find a way to break the monotony," she said with a crooked grin. Realizing she was probably leaving Chakotay with an opening to make another suggestive statement, she tried to change the subject.
"You seem to be able to maintain your focus. What's your secret to keep from getting bored?"
"I think about you."
Janeway coughed. "I thought we settled all this back in my ready room hours ago."
"You're right, we did. I'm sorry I'm pushing again. I *am* bored with the routine, and since you asked, I've got a plan to wake us both up."
Kathryn looked at him again, wondering if there was yet another double meaning in his words. "Go ahead," she prompted him.
"Why don't we switch as well."
"I'm not sure I know what you mean."
"Why don't we switch places. I'll be the Captain for awhile and you can be the First Officer, or maybe a science officer. You're always saying you miss having the time to do some research of your own."
Kathryn just stared at him. What a ludicrous idea! Give up command of her ship because she was a trifle bored?
"Well, what do you think?" he asked, pushing his half-finished plate away.
"I think you're crazy! Being a Captain isn't something you can just take or leave when ever the mood strikes you! I have an. . ."
"Obligation to the crew, I know," he finished for her. "I've been there, remember? And this wouldn't be the first time you've left the kids with the baby-sitter."
She gave him a hard stare at his flippant comment. "This isn't like I'm turning the bridge over to you for a few hours during an away mission or when I'm in my ready room! This would be for, what a week?"
"Actually, I was thinking more like a month."
"A month! Chakotay, how can you ask me to forget my responsibilities for a whole month!"
"It's not like you won't be here," he said. "Can't you just think of it as an extension of the authority you already give me?"
"How is this going to look on my record? I was a little bored, so I just gave up my ship for a month?"
"It doesn't have to be official. The crew will know, but we won't have to put it in the logs."
"And what about the crew's personal logs? When we get back you know Starfleet is going to go over every bit of data with a fine tooth comb," she countered.
"Kathryn, you're grasping at straws. You know you want to do it, it's just your damn principles, and parameters," he added suggestively, "that are keeping you from taking what you want."
He was speaking ambiguously again, saying one thing and yet taking advantage of the situation to mean another as well.
Kathryn did have to admit the idea of a month in stellar cartography or one of the science labs would be the best vacation she could imagine at this point. "Let me think about it overnight; I'll give you my answer in the morning." With that she disengaged herself from Chakotay's hand, which still held hers.
"I think maybe we should call it an evening," she said, rising and gathering her dishes to be recycled.
"All right, but I want an answer at the beginning of Alpha Shift."
'Oh God,' Kathryn thought, 'he's already sounding like the Captain!'
*********
Kathryn walked slowly back to her quarters, giving herself a chance to weigh the pros and cons of Chakotay and B'Elanna's proposal. On the one hand there was the fact she *was* bored. She'd never experienced a situation where she dreaded going to work, but it was getting close to that. She wasn't the only one affected by these doldrums. Between reports of "no change in our current status," and Tuvok informing her that yet another quarrel had ended up with her crew brawling, they were all feeling the strain. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to step down for awhile. Just the thought that she wouldn't be called on to settle every minor squabble was refreshing. Was Chakotay prepared to put up with that? He probably already did; he'd just be adding to his own load. So why was he "offering" to switch places with her? What was in it for him? Not that he had an ulterior motive, but why would he want command of *Voyager* in this barren region of space? Was it all just for her benefit? Was this purely an unselfish act on his part? Why couldn't she accept that? Maybe he *was* just doing it out of concern for her state of mind.
'Why do you have to be so suspicious all the time?' She asked herself. She would do the same for him, why should it surprise her that he'd be willing to do it for her?
She rounded a corner along the corridor and stopped before her door and waited for it to open. She was no nearer a decision than when she left the Mess Hall. Stepping into her quarters she called out for the lights, and then added a command for some soft music as well. She'd have to come to a decision soon, or she'd have a sleepless night.
*********
Chakotay wandered through the hydroponics bay thinking about what Kathryn had said. He often came here to think, especially when he wasn't ready to head back to his quarters. He'd been spending entirely too much time there lately and he felt the need to "get out" more.
Why was she being so stubborn about this, he wondered. Couldn't she see that it would do them all some good to experience new things? He smiled at that as his mind drifted to a slightly less platonic area. 'Now that would *really* spice things up!' he thought. Of course if she were worried about ship's gossip there couldn't be a worse time for him to try and heat things up with her. With nothing to occupy them, the crew's imagination would be going into warp drive over their Captain's personal life.
He sat down on a bench and breathed the artificial air. At least there were real plants and flowers scenting that air. He imagined Kathryn sitting next to him, laughing at some small joke he had just made. In his mind's eye, she was relaxed and flirting with him as much as he was with her. Her blue eyes would shine in the computer-generated moon light, and when he leaned close to kiss her, she wouldn't pull away. . . .
"Oh gods!" Chakotay moaned out loud, he had to stop this line of thought, he was only going to work himself up into another sleepless night. Another night of wondering if she were asleep on the other side of the wall between their quarters and if so, was she stretched out, one arm across her stomach while the other lay over her eyes. Or was she curled into a fetal position, with her blankets and pillow bunched up inside her arms. What would it be like to lie next to her? To hold her as her body spooned to his? He could imagine inhaling the scent of her hair, even this shortened version would be acceptable, if only he had a chance to encircle her with his arms. Tan skin on pale, their fingers woven together. . . .
He got up and paced. He had to stop this line of thought! Hadn't he just told Kathryn he was handling this? Had he just said the words to be saying them or had he meant it? At the time he thought he could back off, let her be the Captain and he be the First Officer. He was going to do his damnedest to keep his word, but now he was beginning to wonder if he'd be able to live up to that promise. He sincerely hoped that she'd take him up on the offer of a break, it might be easier if she were off the Bridge and buried in a science department somewhere below decks. Maybe, but he doubted it.