Kathryn still lay on the ice-cold floor of the interrogation room, but now she was thankfully alone. Or was she? She sensed a presence in the room, but it wasn't moving, at least not very much. Suddenly there was a burst of smoke and light as the room's surveillance equipment exploded.
"Come on!" She heard a voice urge her. Some one was pulling her to her feet. A man. He was dressed in black, and from his height and build, obviously not Cardassian.
"Who are you?" She whispered, trying to hold her clothing around her. The first Cardassian had taken care of ripping it to shreds in his haste to reach her.
"Starfleet Rangers," he hissed in her ear. He started leading her away from the cell block.
"Wait! Admiral Paris!" she cried, trying to escape his grip.
"We've already got him! Your the last one! Nice diversion by the way!" If the situation hadn't been so desperate, she would have slapped him. As it was, she probably *had* made it possible for the Rangers to do their jobs. With almost all the guards occupied, the Rangers probably could have walked in the front door. The man handed her a blanket.
"I figured you'd need this," he said as he pushed her through the opening he and the other Rangers had created upon their entrance to the prison.
As Kathryn's memories started to mesh with those she had of her rescue at the hands of Justin and the Rangers, she found herself momentarily disoriented. Where was she? Chakotay's cabin? What was she. . . .Then she remembered starting to tell him. But had she told him? She remembered seeing the images from the past, but had she told him what she had seen? She put her hands to her face and discovered her wet cheeks. She must have been crying because her face was soaked. Stealing a glance at Chakotay she had the answer to her questions. She *had* told him, somehow. The pain written on his face was evident. But what about the rest? Surely he must be repulsed by her, by the way she had given herself to the Cardassians. Justin understood. He'd been in a Cardassian prison and risked re-capture in order to save her. Mark tried to understand, but she had to admit she never really gave him the chance to fully comprehend what had happened to her. And Chakotay? He'd been incarcerated as well, but would he understand that she felt she had no choice in order to spare the lives of her fellow prisoners?
"Kathryn? Are you. . . ." Chakotay's voice trailed off as he attempted touch her.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she screamed, moving away from him, scrunching herself up into an even smaller ball. She started sobbing again, close to hysteria. He didn't know what to do with her. All he wanted to do was to take her in his arms and chase away her fears, but she was clearly still in the grip of those emotions. Maybe the Doctor could do something for her!
"Chakotay to the Doctor," he called, tapping his comm badge.
"This is the Doctor," he replied causally.
"Doctor I need you in my quarters, now! Something's happened to the Captain," he said, momentarily forgetting that the Doctor would think he was the Captain.
"Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?" The Doctor asked, puzzled.
"Captain. . .Commander. . .Janeway! Kathryn!" He tried to clarify "Hurry!"
Almost simultaneously the Doctor appeared in Chakotay's quarters. "Please state the nature of . . . .My God! What have you done to her?"
"Me?"
"She is in your quarters," The Doctor noted as he began his examination of Janeway. At his approach, she became agitated once more, and tried to back away from him.
"Would you mind telling me what happened here?" The Doctor asked as he prepared a sedative. Without divulging any of Kathryn's secrets, he gave the Doctor a brief synopsis.
"Well it's obvious she's having a physical reaction to her traumatic memories," the Doctor said, "can't you be a little more specific?"
"I really don't think it's my place to say, you'll have to ask her."
"She's hardly in a position to answer my questions!" He replied with his usual amount of sarcasm.
"Can't you just give her the sedative for now? I'll make sure she talks to you in the morning."
The Doctor considered his options. He could insist she be moved to Sickbay, but beyond rest, there wasn't anything he could do for her at this point. He should probably monitor her, but he could do that with a portable dermal attachment.
"Very well," he acquiesced, "make sure she continues to wear the monitor, and I want to see her before duty tomorrow." He assumed Chakotay would watch over her through the night without him instructing him to do so.
"Help me hold her so I can give her the sedative," the Doctor ordered. It took both of them to hold the resisting woman for the Doctor to administer the hypospray. Within seconds Kathryn relaxed and began to drift off to sleep.
". . . .so sorry. . . ." she mumbled as the drug took over her system. Chakotay thanked the Doctor and waited for him to vanish before joining her on the sofa. She was still wrapped in the blanket he had given her earlier. Sitting beside her, he pulled her enveloped form into his arms and stretched out on the couch, holding her like a distraught child. He brushed the hair out of her face and hugged her tighter.
"It's over now Kathryn," he spoke to her inert form. And as held her, he felt his own tears start to fall, for the pain she had endured all those years ago, and the pain she would have to face in the coming days.
**********
Kathryn woke with a start. Where was she? Glancing around, she realized she wasn't in her quarters. Who's were they? Chakotay's? What was. . . .? She felt a body beneath her, someone holding her. Looking up she saw Chakotay, propped up on the end of the couch, half reclining as he held her firmly in place. Memories of the night before flooded her as she struggled to sit up.
"Oh God," she moaned, rubbing her face with her hands. She *had* told him everything. It wasn't just a dream. She had a hell of a headache, and when she went to rub her neck, she felt a round piece of metal attached to her skin.
"What the. . . ?" She questioned, pulling the monitor off her neck. Almost immediately she heard the chirp of her comm badge.
"Doctor to Commander Janeway."
"Janeway here," came the hoarse, tired voice.
"Why have you removed the dermal monitor?"
"Is that what this is? Why do I have it in the first place?" She asked, not remembering receiving it.
At the sound of voices and her movement, Chakotay woke and disengaged himself from her. Kathryn tightened the blanket, as if in an effort to protect herself.
"If you do not replace the monitor, I'll have you beamed to Sickbay," the Doctor warned.
She sighed and replaced the disk. "Is that better?" She snapped.
"Much. I expect to see you here for a full examination by 09:00 hours. Is that clear?"
"Perfectly, Doctor," she answered, avoiding looking in Chakotay's direction.
"Good!" The Doctor replied, happy that for once Kathryn Janeway seemed to be following doctor's orders. "Doctor out." The communication channel closed and Janeway stood to leave.
"Kathryn wait," Chakotay said, trying to take her by the arms, but she pulled out of his grasp, still unable to face him. "I think we should talk about this, don't you?"
"Not now!" She cried and ran for the door, but they remained closed. Pounding on them she begged,
"Please, Chakotay, open the doors." In her agitation she hadn't stopped to wonder why they were locked.
"We need to talk about this!"
"I can't!" came her anguished cry, "not right now. Please let me go!"
Uncertain if he should let her leave in her current state, he finally relented and said, "Computer, release the door." As soon as there was a gap large enough for her to slip through, she was gone, still clutching his blanket. He saw her enter her quarters and heard the sound of the privacy lock engaging. Unsure of what to do next, he returned to his rooms and prepared for his duty shift. Hopefully the routine would help him regain his perspective and allow her the time she needed.
*********
Kathryn sagged against the door of her cabin and instructed the computer to initialize the security lock. She scanned the room for her chronometer and noted it was 06:20--almost three hours before she was due in Sickbay. God, how was she going to face him again? What must he think of her? The whore to the Cardassians. She thought she had worked through this, well most of it. After her rescue, she had gone into intensive psycho therapy to help her deal with the events of her imprisonment. For the most part, the counseling worked, and after about seven weeks, she was seen fit to return to active duty. Justin had been right there by her side. He never reproached her for her conduct or had to wonder why she did what she had. He understood. Kathryn had begun to cling to him as if he were a life line. She *did* love him, but she knew it was a desperate love, one born of her need to be accepted despite her past. They had never been lovers. Justin was raised by strict Moralists, and he felt intimacies should be shared only between married people, so when he insisted they wait to have sex, she hadn't objected. Secretly she had been relieved. After Gul Edan and his men, she wasn't sure how she would react to a man, even one she loved. She didn't have to wonder for long about her sexual future with Justin, as he died before the issue could be forced.
With her father and Justin's deaths, she found herself spending even more time in the counseling offices at Starfleet headquarters. When she thought about it now, it was a wonder she was allowed to persue a career in Command, much less to receive a prestigious honor such as *Voyager.* Her experiences *had* honed her, made her stronger on one level, but left her more vulnerable on others.
Mark seemed to understand her need to remain "unattached." His quiet acceptance of her was apparently just what she needed. He never pushed her to become more intimate, hoping she'd turn to him when the time was right. She had told him of her imprisonment, but left out anything having to deal with Gul Edan. He had been her friend since her school days, and she couldn't bear the thought of his disappointment and disapproval. So they lived their lives almost as brother and sister. She loved him, but when ever he would get too close she would shut down and not allow him to touch her beyond a few kisses. He knew there had to be something she wasn't telling him, but he didn't push her. She would tell him when she was ready.
Kathryn loved him for his patience and understanding, but had no idea he was helping feed her neurosis. It got to the time where she could get through the day without thinking of what she had done, what she'd become. If her feminine needs weren't being met, she compensated in other ways. She became "touchy-feely" Kathryn. The only intimate contact she allowed herself with another being was a comforting touch here and there. And Mark seemed to understand, somehow. No one was aware they shared a purely platonic relationship.
Up until that moment Kathryn hadn't realized how many of the same qualities Chakotay and Mark shared. Both were quietly supportive of her, both willing to wait until she was ready to accept them. What had she done to inspire such devotion from these men? She who hadn't had the strength to come up with another alternative in that prison, and so took the cowards way and gave into Edan's demands. But she truly hadn't done it for herself. It had been to stop the agony of the people she heard echoing in her mind, that she sometimes still heard. The counselors had tried to convince her she had been a victim, and not responsible for what she had been forced to do. To forgive herself, allow the compassion she so readily showed others to extended to herself. She still hadn't been able to do that, and until she could, no one would be permitted in.
Kathryn crossed the room slowly, deciding a hot bath might help. Soaking in the steaming water she thought about the pain she had seen written on Chakotay's face. She must have really disgusted him for that look to remain for so long. She hadn't meant to hurt him. In fact she had intended just the opposite. She thought by telling him the truth, he'd understand her reticence at becoming involved with him. Also, she hadn't planned on being quite so "detailed." Originally she had only thought to tell him she had been the victim of a sexual assault, and it was her unresolved memories of the incident that continued to haunt her, and cause her to freeze up when things started to heat up. But somehow her subconscious had other ideas, and took her to the place she had learned so well to avoid. Maybe it knew something that she didn't, for although she was mortified that she had been so explicit in her revelation, she did feel "lighter." In some ways more at peace with herself than she had felt in ages.
When had she allowed herself to trust him so completely that she could share something this intensely personal with him? She felt more exposed than if she had stood naked before him. And how was it she could find the courage to tell him, when after nearly ten years, she couldn't tell Mark? She reached down and picked up the locket she still had around her neck. She never wanted to take it off. It seemed almost a talisman, a charm against the evils she faced. Physical evidence of Chakotay's devotion. Did he wish he hadn't given it to her now? Did he wish the moment back? Part of her wished it had never occurred, as it had lead to her disclosure, and another part wouldn't trade back the moment for anything. She opened the clasp and saw the tiny reminder of their life together and started to sob. Why did it have to take something this devastating for her to realize she loved him? Loved him enough to lay her soul bare to him. And now he would never look at her the same way again.
*********
Kathryn had managed to get through her check-up with the Doctor and not reveal what he was really digging for--the reason for her hysteria the night before. To be perfectly honest, she hadn't remembered the episode, but didn't doubt she'd reacted as he told her she had. He could find no medical reason she shouldn't return to her duties, but he advised her to take the day off, or at the very least cut back for a day or two. She surprised the both of them by agreeing to take the day off. As much as she wanted to finish her project before the month was up, she didn't feel she could face the happy camaraderie of the science lab. They'd gotten to know her too well, and would try to help, and would only make her feel worse. As the senior officer, she didn't have to report her day off to anyone, beyond the courtesy of letting her colleges know she wouldn't be in that day. So Kathryn Janeway did the unthinkable. She took the day off to go fishing.
*********
Chakotay learned of Kathryn's unlikely behavior quite by accident. Lt. Tyler was standing in a large group of people, telling anyone who would listen how Janeway was playing hooky. He saw Tom Paris in the crowd shaking his head with disappointment. No doubt he didn't have any odds on this particular event and had lost a fortune in replicator rations. He was glad she was taking a break today after the trying time she'd had the night before, but he was worried that she was closing herself off from everyone. Especially from him. He'd give her until the end of his duty shift, but then she *would* talk to him.
He had felt so helpless as she relayed her narrative to him. He could almost see her as a green Ensign on her first mission. No wonder Harry Kim had found a special place in her sympathies. He could see her bravely facing her aggressors until they'd worn her down to nothing, and still they hadn't managed to break her compassionate nature. Even at that age she was willing to sacrifice herself for the sake of others. It was no coincidence that Owen Paris recognized her as a natural leader and advised her to change the focus of her career. But she was being too hard on herself. She had found a way to stay alive, and to spare her fellow prisoners additional anguish, but she hadn't seen it that way. Some thing was missing. He instinctively felt there was some part she hadn't told him. Something she must have felt was even more reprehensible than rape alone. Maybe even she wasn't aware of it. Perhaps it was a memory so terrible, she had completely repressed it. Wouldn't something like that have come out during her analysis? He didn't know, and he couldn't risk asking the Doctor about it without raising even more suspicions. He would have to try and do this on his own.
*********
Chakotay had never had such a long shift. He was sure the Bridge crew had noticed his lack of focus and general fidgety behavior, but to their credit, none had mentioned it. As the chime announced the end of Alpha Shift, Chakotay practically bolted for the turbo-lift, but was intercepted by Tuvok.
"A word, if I may Captain."
'Damn it!' Chakotay thought. 'All day to approach me with what ever's on his mind and he has to wait until I need to get out of here!' "Of course Tuvok," he sighed. "Can we do this here or do you prefer the Ready Room?"
"I think perhaps *you* would prefer the Ready Room, Sir."
"After you," Chakotay said, his curiosity piqued. Obviously he had something of a personal nature to relate to him or he would have brought it up on the Bridge. As the doors closed on the Ready Room, Chakotay turned to the Security Officer.
"What's on your mind Tuvok?"
"I think the question should be rather, 'what's on your mind,' Sir."
Was it possible Tuvok was making a joke? "I'm not sure I understand."
"I'm concerned about her as well," he stated, unwilling to speak Janeway's name, as if speaking it would put Chakotay in the position of having to admit it was indeed her that had been on his mind all day. "According to the logs, the Doctor was called to your quarters at 02:45 this morning to administer medical assistance," he continued. "While your off hours are your own affair, when it's something that concerns the temporary Commander, I feel it is a Security matter."
"We were just talking, Tuvok," he said, feeling he had to defend Kathryn's honor.
"Be that as it may, I find it also distressing she found it necessary to remove herself from duty today."
"How did you find that out?"
"I have my sources," Tuvok replied with a completely straight face. "Mr. Paris is one particularly lucrative source."
Chakotay almost smiled. Gods it was a small ship!
"Something is obviously upsetting her," Tuvok forged on. "In the past she used to confide in me, but as of late she seems to have found another outlet." The last was said without a trace jealousy, and Chakotay wondered if he could be as gracious if their positions were reversed. He discovered he was beginning to have a new-found respect for the Vulcan. It couldn't have been easy for him to admit to Chakotay that he knew he had been replaced as a confidant on some levels, and yet he approached the situation as he did everything in his life: the knowledge that logic would see him through. Chakotay hadn't realized it before, but his logic was also his religion--a force he gave himself over to completely and with unquestioned trust.
"I thought perhaps you would like to know she is on Holodeck 2," Tuvok informed him.
Chakotay wondered why Tuvok had insisted on this private meeting. He didn't need the Security Chief to locate Janeway, the computer could do that, so why the conference? Then it dawned on him. Tuvok couldn't come right out and say he approved of his relationship with Kathryn, as technically it was none of his business. But as a friend, he felt he had some right to expressing his views on their association. Tuvok used supposed protocol the same way he himself used "ancient legends" to impart information he didn't necessarily want to come right out and say.
Chakotay's grin widened and he patted the surprised man on the back. "Thanks Tuvok. I think I'll be on Holodeck 2 if you need me."
As Tuvok watched him cross to the turbo-lift, he lifted one eye brow. "Indeed."
*********
As he suspected, the privacy lock was engaged on Holodeck 2. He was about to issue an order for an override, when he stopped for a moment. No doubt Kathryn would be upset and angry at his intrusion. Steeling himself for an argument, he said,
"Computer, override Holodeck 2 privacy lock. Authorization Chakotay Beta one." There was silence for a moment, then the computer informed him,
"Privacy lock has been disengaged." He heard the familiar sound of the doors opening, and stepped through the Arch. Kathryn had accessed a program of a warm, summer Earth day, and he could hear the sound of water running, where he assumed he'd find her. He wasn't disappointed. She sat on the edge of the brook, dressed in shorts and a tank top, her feet dangling in the stream. If his business hadn't been so serious, he probably would have enjoyed the program. He'd have to ask her to bring him here again sometime.
"Kathryn," he spoke her name softly, not wanting to startle her, but hadn't succeeded.
Janeway whipped around at the sound of his voice. "How did you get in here?" She demanded.
"Some times it's good to be the Captain."
"Don't forget it's a temporary title," she snapped at him, turning to face the creek once more. She should have remembered he'd have access to the override protocols, but in her emotional state, she had forgotten.
Chakotay had noticed her red, tired eyes. Apparently she hadn't had much luck in working things out. He sat down next to her.
"Mind if I join you?"
"And if I said 'yes?'"
"I'd ignore you," he said, hoping that by teasing her he might find an opening to continue. He noted her fishing pole laying on the bank next to her.
"I didn't know you liked to fish. I would have thought it would have been too close to camping for you to enjoy it."
"My Grandfather used to take me. And yes, I didn't particularly care for it, but he was a wonderful listener, and usually had some good advice."
"And did he have some insights for you today?"
"I didn't activate his program," she answered, looking at her finger's intwine themselves in each other, rather than look in his direction. He sat very close to her, and was making her uncomfortable. Stripping off his boots and socks, he dipped his feet into the cool stream next to hers.
"That feels good," he sighed. "I thought the shift was never going to end today."
"It's not going to work, Chakotay."
"What?" He asked, feigning innocence.
"Trying to act as if nothing happened. Some thing *did* happen, and I can't just sit here with you as if this were a casual afternoon on the Holodeck!" She jumped up and attempted to run for the exit, but Chakotay caught up with her and grabbed her by the arm. Not aggressively, just enough force to stop her flight from the room.
"We have to talk about this, Kathryn! Don't run out on me again!"
Her voice caught in her throat, "I don't know if I can. I can't even look at you!"
"Then look," he said, taking her chin and swiveling her face to look up into his. "I'm the same man I was yesterday. Nothing has changed! You think I see you as this terrible person, but if it's possible, I think I respect you even more. Knowing what you faced, and that you were able to come out of it stronger, just confirms what I've known about you all along. That you're a fighter, and you won't let this interfere with your life anymore!"
She looked into his eyes for the first time since her confession. It was true. She saw none of the revulsion she had expected to find there, only compassion and understanding. How could he be so accepting? He truly seemed sincere when he said it didn't matter. But how could it *not* make a difference to him?
He tried to pull her into his embrace but she pushed him away. "How can you stand to touch me after. . .after knowing what I did?"
"Kathryn, it wasn't your fault! What choice did you have? What kind of a person would you be, would you have become, if you hadn't sacrificed so much of yourself to save the others?"
"But it should have been me they were beating," she said, turning away from him as the tears started to come.
"Gul Edan had much more effective ways of hurting you. He knew physical wounds would heal, but the effects of emotional scars would be much more far reaching. I *know* what those bastards are capable of, remember? And remember the trouble I had reconciling my feelings over the Vori? How you helped me see I was a victim of their methods, and not responsible for my actions? Why won't you give yourself the same credit? Why won't you let me help *you* for a change?"
"Oh, I wish you could," she sighed, as if the weight of the world were on her shoulders.
"I can if you'll just let me! Kathryn, I know there's something you're not telling me."
She turned quickly to look at him. How could he know? Had he seen through her? Did he really know the part she had "conveniently" left out? He couldn't, or else he wouldn't be so understanding. It was one thing to be a victim and quite another to having been a willing participant. Perhaps that was the wrong term. Consciously she hadn't been willing, but her body had different ideas. Just the thought that Edan had managed to excite her made her feel like vomiting. Did he know he had forever placed a curse on her intimate relationships? Had he realized how effective his torture had been? How she had been so relieved that Justin wanted to wait, and that Mark had been so patient? But what about Chakotay? Here was a man she didn't want to leave on the side lines, but she didn't know if she was even capable of having sex with him. Would she seize up as she did with just a mere kiss? How much more evasion would he put up with?
"There *is* something else, isn't there?" Chakotay pressed. "Kathryn, you can tell me. I promise I'll understand."
"You can't make a promise like that," she almost snorted. She started to walk into the trees, but he followed her, saying nothing, but not letting her escape either. She stopped behind one trunk and leaned her back against it. He started to come around on her side, but she stopped him.
"I can't do this if you're so close," she whispered.
"Fine," he said, removing himself to tree a few meters away. He could see her profile, her hair shining in the sun, and he prayed to the Gods that he'd have the strength and the ability to help her.