*********
Janeway licked her dry lips, waiting for the death blow. Instead, she found herself thrust into the chair once more. Why didn't he do it? Why did he keep stringing her along? It was almost as if he didn't *want* to kill her, at least until he had what he needed from her. But what was that? Certainly not information about the resistance. As the master-mind behind this hellish program, he already knew the answers to the questions he'd been asking her. Was it in an effort to trip her up? Confirm some suspicion that she was indeed, "herself?"
"You do have a tendency to inspire loyalty, don't you?" the Commandant observed.
Janeway's head came up suddenly, looking in the direction she heard his voice coming from. Who was the question for? Katrine or the Captain? Just then the sound of weapons fire was heard, very close to their location.
"It's the Allied Forces!" the soldier occupying the room with them reported.
"That's impossible," the Hirogen stated, obviously not as concerned at the prospect as his underling was. "Watch them," he ordered the nervous soldier as he left the room. Catching sight of movement, Janeway engaged the soldier in conversation, hoping to distract him from Miller's motion.
"So, we're back where we started," she replied sardonically, rising to her feet.
"Don't move!" the soldier warned.
"Or what? You'll shoot me? I don't think so. Your Commandant has that honor and I don't think you have the nerve to take his kill from him." The soldier was part of the program, the significance of the kill wasted on him. However, he was still dangerous; she knew all too well how with the safeties disengaged, holographic bullets could wound or kill as surely as if they were real. She had to be careful how far she pushed him. Keeping her eyes trained on the young man, she noticed Miller rising silently behind him. Janeway did her best to concentrate on the soldier's face hoping he didn't see her reaction to Miller's movement.
"You will resume your seat or I *will* kill you. The Commandant would not fault me for shooting a prisoner trying to escape."
Janeway held up her hands in mock resignation. "All right," she said, starting to sit once more. "You win." As she started to lower herself, making a show of favoring her injured leg, Miller struck. The soldier's body dropped to the floor and Janeway was instantly on her feet.
"Hurry!" Miller encouraged, taking the rifle from the prostrate soldier. Janeway felt him grab her arm, helping to support her as they escaped the building.
"They'll be after us in a minute! Which way do we go?" Miller cried, scanning in all directions.
"I don't know, I'm turned around," Janeway lamely offered.
"Turned around? Katrine, Ste. Claire isn't that big! Surely you. . ."
"Get down!" she cried, pushing him to the cobblestones of the street as a bullet wizzed past them. The were just starting to get to their feet as the soldiers descended upon them.
"You didn't really think you'd get away, did you?" the young soldier asked, aiming a pistol directly at Janeway. His shock of blonde hair was disheveled, a trickle of blood running from somewhere on his scalp. "I've been waiting to do this," he said cocking the pistol, holding it inches from her face.
Chancing a look at Miller, she mouthed the words, "I'm sorry," holding his gaze for a long moment, swearing it was Chakotay she was connecting with instead of a captain in the American army.
"I know," he said, two simple words containing as much regret as she felt.
"If I were more of a romantic, I think I'd cry," the blonde soldier joked to his comrades. "Time's up, whore." Just then Janeway saw Miller wince, reaching for the back of his neck as the holographic soldiers evaporated before her. Janeway's sigh of relief was audible as Chakotay looked down at his attire then back up at her.
"Captain? What's going on? What's. . ."
"I'll explain in a minute, Commander. Right now we have to find the rest of the crew. We've got another war to fight."
********
It had been nearly a month since she'd come to a truce with the Hirogens, yet Janeway found herself dwelling on the events of the World War II simulation almost with an obsession. The holes in her ready room bulkheads had long since been repaired; she wished she could say the same was true of herself. Physically, she was back to normal. Once the holographic emitters overloaded, the bullet in her thigh disappeared as effortlessly as the soldiers had. She still required medical attention, but it consisted of disinfecting and dermal regeneration instead of surgery.
For the most part, her crew was in good health, with only one casualty. She knew she should be grateful, but even that was one too many. She still didn't know how the Hirogen had managed to take over the ship without her knowledge of it. According to the Doctor, the Hirogen had been playing their "games" for over seventeen days. It really was amazing that there hadn't been more deaths.
However, it wasn't the crux of her dilemma. At the center was Chakotay, or Miller. She wasn't exactly sure *who* was the problem. She'd made love with Miller, but she thought he was Chakotay. Rubbing her forehead, she rose, heading for the replicator. If there was ever a situation that called for coffee, this was it! Retrieving a large mug, Janeway chose a seat on her sofa rather than back at her desk.
Allowing her thoughts to drift, she found them back where she started: on Miller and Chakotay. It seemed to be the first thing that came to mind the minute she wasn't focused on the ship. She'd tried to lose herself in reports and inspections, but they didn't occupy every waking minute. Sitting next to Chakotay on the bridge only heightened her sense of guilt. He'd catch her staring at him, to which he'd respond by giving her a questioning glance, only to receive an embarrassed grin in return.
She couldn't decide if she should tell him what happened on the holodeck or not. On the one hand, he had no recollection of the act; she could just pretend it hadn't happened.. On the other, Janeway felt she owed him the truth, that while in a fevered state she'd mistaken a character in a simulation for him. That, in a way, it *was* him. She wasn't ignorant of Chakotay's feelings for her. How would he feel that, after all her disavowing of the possibility of a relationship, they'd made love, but he couldn't remember it? Or if she told him she'd slept with him, but as another man?
Running her hands over her face, Janeway sighed as the same old arguments and thoughts plagued her. Chakotay was aware that something was bothering her, but he hadn't pressed her on it. What would she do if he did? What if he had a spontaneous memory flash as she had when Katrine's words suddenly came to her when the Hirogen had been interrogating her? Would he pass it off as a fragment of a dream? A fantasy?
Or would he ask her about what had happened in the winery? She'd already explained to him how the crew ended up in a re-creation of Ste. Claire, a French town that was liberated by the Americans. They'd even joked about the fact that Paris had missed out on the opportunity to be back in the twentieth century. But she'd quickly changed the subject, hoping he didn't ask her for more details about his own experience on the holodeck. He knew her neural implant had been deactivated before his, as had Seven's, but he didn't pursue his speculations when she'd evaded his questions by returning to generic topics of duty. It only added to her guilt, that she was deliberately withholding information from him. She knew how angry he got when she'd left him "out of the loop" in the past; wasn't this the same thing? Perhaps she should just add it to her report and let him read it. Perhaps in dull, official language the impact wouldn't be as severe. But could she tell him in such a cold, unfeeling manner? As soon as she'd start to resolve one doubt, two would pop up in its place. If they got home, and she had a new command, the first crewmember she'd recruit would be a counselor! She didn't care if was a shuttle between Luna and Earth, she was never going *anywhere* again without someone who could advise her!
Tuvok came to mind, but this was too personal to discuss with him. She was sure he suspected there was more to her and Chakotay's relationship than command and simple friendship, but she didn't need to confirm that suspicion. She didn't need his nearly paternal disapproval on top of this.
Janeway took a sip of her lukewarm coffee as her door chime sounded.
"Come," she called, grateful for the distraction from her thoughts. "Speak of the devil." .
"Am I interrupting something?" Chakotay asked, looking around for someone she might have been discussing him with.
"I was just thinking of you, actually," she said, straightening up, slightly nervous in his presence. "Would you like something to drink?"
"I'll have some coffee," he said. Noticing she was starting to rise, he stopped her. "Don't get up, I'll get it. You need any more?"
"I've had my ration for the day, I'm afraid, but if you're 'buying' . . ."
Chakotay's face lit up with an easy grin that touched his eyes as well. "I guess I can spring for once." He reached for her mug to replenish it's supply, seeing her pull back suddenly at his proximity. He looked at her, but she tried to cover her action with a small smile. Moving to the replicator, he remained silent, giving Janeway time to gather her thoughts. There was no way he hadn't noticed her reaction to him. She hadn't meant to flinch at his nearness; it was a by-product of her guilt. She had to find a way to deal with this, there was no way she was going to go on for sixty more years jumping every time he strayed into her personal space.
Chakotay handed her the mug, taking a seat on the sofa, but quite far away, Janeway observed. It was almost painful to note how far he was from her, out of deference to her recent actions.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked, coming directly to the point.
"About what?"
"About what's been bugging you the last month. Kathryn, I'm not the only one who's noticed how. . .preoccupied you've been since the Hirogen took over the ship."
Janeway vaulted off the sofa, pacing before the coffee table, she couldn't sit still and talk to him about this, she couldn't face his eyes. "Of course I'm preoccupied!" she snapped at him, her tone harsher than she'd intended. "I've got a ship and crew that are still feeling the effects of an alien invasion, a constant nagging thought that I shouldn't given the holo technology to a race of killers and. . ."
"Wait a second," Chakotay said, stopping her mid-sentence. Even Tuvok agreed that the Prime Directive was in a gray area over this. You have no reason to be questioning the implications of giving the Hirogen that technology. If you hadn't, we could have lost the ship. You made the right call, Kathryn."
Janeway looked at him for a minute before diverting her eyes. "Maybe your right."
"I know I'm right."
The corners of her mouth turned up as she tried to suppress a grin "That must be reassuring, Commander."
Chakotay smiled at her teasing sarcasm. "Oh, it is. Seriously, Kathryn, what's wrong? It's not just the technology, and the ship's nearly back to 100 percent, except for the holodecks."
Janeway placed her hands on her hips, blowing out a breath, as if she were bracing herself for something painful. "I think you remember that I told you my neural implant was disabled before the rest of the crew, except for Seven," she added. Janeway had her back to Chakotay, making it difficult for him to make out her words clearly.
"Yes, you said it was about a day before the rest of us were aware of what was going on."
"That's right. So effectively I was living that war right along with the holo characters, and the rest of the crew as well. The thing is, you don't remember what it was like, the implants somehow 'overwrote' your personalities, so you don't remember the events, but I do," she said, reflexively touching her thigh where the bullet had been lodged.
"And it's these memories of the war that are bothering you? Kathryn, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it was only a day! And you've mentioned situations far worse than that, for much longer; at the beginning of your career when you were patrolling outposts," he needlessly reminded her.
How did she tell him it wasn't traumatic memories she was having a hard time dealing with, but feelings of guilt, without telling him the whole story?
"It was more the feelings of helplessness," she told him. It wasn't a complete evasion, she rationalized; maybe he'd just leave it at that.
"I can see that you would have felt that way at the time, but why is it still haunting you? You *have* control of the ship."
"But I don't know about myself," she almost whispered.
"Kathryn, you'll have to speak up; I didn't hear you."
Turning to face him she repeated, "I don't know about myself, If *I* have control." She knew he didn't understand the double meaning of her words, that she was concerned about her control over the ship and her feelings for him. The one thing she hadn't faced was how she felt about him. Every time she started to think about how good it had felt to wake up in his arms she'd slam the door on those thoughts, not allowing them to escape. That was probably the real reason she didn't want to tell him what happened. If he knew they'd made love, even if he didn't remember it, he'd use it as an argument to convince her that as long as she'd slept with him once, what would be the harm if it were a regular occurrence? The trouble was, it wouldn't take much pressure for her to concede to that kind of rather convoluted logic.
"Kathryn, I'm not sure I know what you mean," Chakotay said, putting down his coffee.
"I know, I'm being rather cryptic, aren't I?" she said, looking down at her twisting hands, then back up at him. "I don't mean to be. I just don't know how to put this." She was still hesitating as he rose from the sofa.
"I have a suggestion," he said, crossing to stand before her. "Maybe what you need is to go back. Back to the holodeck and Ste. Claire. There was never any resolution there. From what I've gathered from your reports, one minute you were seconds from death, the next it was over, even if you had a new war to wage," he added, referring to the Hirogens. "There was never an actual 'ending' to your time in Ste. Claire."
The solution seemed so simple, Janeway couldn't believe she hadn't thought of it herself. What she needed to do was talk to Miller. Maybe then she could tell Chakotay about what had happened, and clear her conscience.
"The holodecks are still experiencing some problems," Janeway said, "The program might not function right."
"It's mostly the emitters and some of the programming parameters," Chakotay informed her, "the safeties are fully operational. You could return to the moment you left, or later, if you want."
"But what if it's a program the Hirogen wrote? We've purged the system of their influence; Ste. Claire may no longer exist."
"From what I can tell, they used existing archives, taking the actual participants out and putting us in, using the neural implants to suppress our memories, put us into character Chakotay offered. "Which reminds me, I've been meaning to ask if you've had any spontaneous memories from before the time your implant was deactivated?"
Janeway spun around to stare at him. Had he remembered their night together? Was he fishing for information? That wasn't his style. Chakotay would have asked her directly if he'd had an actual recollection.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, noting the nearly alarmed look on her face. "Do you remember something?"
"Just those words of Katrine's, the ones I mentioned in the report," she said. Almost fearing to hear the answer, she asked, "What about you?"
"Nothing specific," he answered, completely candid. "Just that I get this feeling that there was something going on between us, or Miller and Katrine, actually. It's almost a feeling like Deja vu; a memory that I can't quite access. Do you know what I mean? I've asked B'Elanna and Tom the same question, they've said that's what it felt like to them as well."
Janeway simply nodded, not wanting to tell him how most of her experience on the holodeck had felt that way. Between the suppressed memories of the neural implant and her fever, most of the episode had a dream-like quality to it.
"I'll take your suggestion under advisement, Commander," Janeway said, anxious to end the conversation before he asked more pressing questions.
Chakotay looked slightly confused at her abrupt ending to their talk, but simply smiled saying, "I hope it helps."
As Chakotay exited her office, Janeway returned to her desk. It was really the only solution that made any sense. Then why was she so nervous about the possibility of meeting Miller again?
********