"When I came here, I was upset about Mark, I guess you saw that," she said, still embarrassed at her overt behavior towards him. "But it isn't the only reason I came. I was trying to figure out where you fit into things. I suppose that's why I was angry when you showed up, I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do, and here your were, taking the decision out of my hands." He looked as if he were about to speak, but she stopped him.
"Please, let me finish. If I hadn't wanted to sleep with you, I wouldn't have. I think you know that." He nodded mutely.
"I think I would have come to that conclusion, eventually," she said, "you just moved things up a little. It's hard for me to think I could go from breaking things off with Mark and then hopping into bed with you. That's why you're probably thinking I'm having second thoughts. I'm not. I just didn't want to bring you into the equation. But I guess I can't help it. I would have married Mark if it hadn't been for you, and I guess with how fast everything's been moving with us, it was hard for me to accept."
"Kathryn, I don't mean to pressure you . . "
"You're not. It's me. I'm just overwhelmed that something like this could happen to me, and it's going to take a little bit of time for me to work through this. Can you understand?"
"Of course I do! Do you think this kind of thing happens to me? I feel like some kind of criminal, most of the time, thinking I've stolen you from Mark! I had no intentions of coming to work with you and breaking up your relationship! It was the last thing I wanted to do! But I couldn't help myself. The harder I'd fight my feelings for you, the worse it seemed to get. You'd pull away from me at work, which is the only place I could see you. Ever since we returned from Dorvan V, I've tried so hard to close off my true feelings for you, on the chance we could at least have a casual work association. I don't know if you're aware how hard it was for me to say good-bye to you the other night, knowing you were leaving to plan your wedding. I think letting you go without saying something was one of the hardest things I've ever done."
Kathryn looked down at her fingers that were nervously twined with each other. "I know. I knew it that night. And I see now I was running away from that. It's no wonder Phoebe said all I could do was talk about you. She was right. I was planning a wedding to Mark, and all I could think of was you. I was scared," she said looking up at him. "I'm still scared."
"Me too," he confessed.
"So any way," she said, taking a deep breath, "part of the reason I came here was to figure out how I was going to tell you all this, and now that I have, there's no reason to stay." A smile now crept across her face, dispelling the seriousness of her former conversation.
"Besides," she smirked "I'm hungry, and I'm out of peanut butter."
"Then let's get out of here," he said, returning her smile. "I know this guy who makes a great vegetarian lasagna, and the price is right!"
*********
Kathryn looked at her desk in dismay. How was it possible for this much work to stack up in a little over two days? Chakotay and Harry had presumably kept up on things, so, essentially, this was just yesterday's workload, from when Chakotay had taken the day off to come find her. Although Admiral Nechayev wasn't expecting her back until tomorrow, Kathryn felt guilty for taking the extra time when she didn't really need it. Sitting at her desk, chin propped on her right palm, she allowed her mind to drift momentarily before she attacked the stack of PADD's
Dinner had been wonderful. More than wonderful. Besides the delicious meal (he "cheated" and used the replicator!) was the feeling of warm companionship. Gone were nearly all her feelings of awkwardness around him. The tension of wondering if everything she said would be taken as a sign of her interest in him. She was still on shaky ground as far as what direction their relationship would take, but there was definitely a more relaxed atmosphere than had been present the last time he offered her dinner.
They spent the evening on the couch, she in his arms, as he told her even more stories of his youth and Academy days, until she was crying she was laughing so hard. This is what she was after. Not that the sex wasn't great, but she wanted to be able to sit, snuggled up to him and have it feel *right.* She couldn't say Mark hadn't crossed her mind several times during the evening, but they were thoughts she could live with. It would still be sometime before she could enjoy Chakotay's company and not have feelings of guilt over Mark.
He'd asked her to spend the night, but she declined. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she told him, but things had moved so fast with them, she didn't want to rush them any more. She needed some time to adjust to this sudden turn-around in her life. Chakotay claimed to understand, and from his expression, she could see he did. He hadn't pressured her to reconsider, and for that she was grateful, as it wouldn't have taken much to change her mind.
Now, she was almost nervous, waiting for his appearance in the office. The first few minutes were going to be crucial in deciding guidelines, defining parameters, for their work relationship. Surely he must already realize the need to be professional while in the office, and save their personal relationship for when they were off Starfleet property. Still, she was anxious, thinking he'd fight her on her adherence to policy.
Chakotay stepped through the door into the office, he still had a smile on his face, thinking of the joke he'd told Harry. His grin was infectious, and all the thoughts Kathryn had about being cool, and reserved for their talk, evaporated.
"Good Morning, 'Ryn!" he said, his grin deepening at the sight of her. His causal tone reminded her of her resolve.
"Chakotay, we need to discuss some things," she started, coming from around her desk to stand before him. At the sudden look of terror on his face, she place her hand on his arm to reassure him.
"I'm not having second thoughts," she said, trying to assuage his fears. "But we do have to keep things on a professional level when we're in this office. Not only because of Starfleet protocol, but what word of our personal relationship could do to our chances of being stationed together on *Voyager*. I have no doubt we can command the ship together, and have a relationship, but, you know as well as I, how Starfleet feels about the members of the command team being involved. *Voyager* isn't a Galaxy Class starship, so the brass is going to be even more leery of an existing relationship. It's not that I'm trying to hide my involvement with you, it's just in both our best interests if we play this down.
"'Kathryn' and 'Chakotay' are fine, since we've already relaxed things here," she continued. "And I certainly don't want to go back to 'Commander' and 'Captain.' Frankly, I think Nechayev would be even more suspicious of that."
"So you're saying I should leave ' 'Ryn' in the bedroom," he said, giving her a devilish grin, causing her own lips to curve into a smile of their own.
"Among other places," she said.
"Kathryn," he said, taking her hands. "I don't want to do anything to jeopardize the chance we've been given, either personally, or professionally, with *Voyager*. I promise I'll behave."
"See that you do," she said, in her best command voice, but she couldn't keep a straight face.
Clearing her throat, she brought his attention to the pile of PADD's littering her desk. "I thought you said you and Harry were going to take care of things while I was gone. What *is* all of this?"
"They must have come yesterday, because I swear when I left. . . ."
"You probably hadn't noticed them. Maybe you were a little preoccupied?"
Chakotay blushed. "Well, maybe just a little."
"Look's like we're in for a little overtime, Commander. Think you're up to an all-niter with your Captain?"
"Kathryn, didn't you just give me a speech about 'professionalism?'" he asked with mock indignation.
"I *was* talking about work," she said, but she wasn't able to keep the glint from her eyes.
*Oh it's going to be work, all right,* he thought. *Work trying to keep my hands off her*!
After a few minutes they were able to slide back into the pattern they had established in the past few weeks, and they both suspected, as time went on, it would become easier to separate their professional and personal lives.
*********
Kathryn couldn't say *exactly* when it was Chakotay appeared to have moved in with her. There were subtle things at first: An "accidentally" forgotten shirt; a toothbrush that didn't return with its owner; shaving equipment that seemed to take up residence in her bathroom. Little things, that individually didn't add up to much, but when looked at as a whole, formed a definite pattern. Nothing obvious, just him taking a few more liberties daily.
Not that she minded. She was surprised to find she didn't resent his encroachment into her home. Molly had completely taken to him, in a way she never had with Mark, even though she'd known him since she was a puppy. Kathryn trusted her dog's instincts. They had a sense where people were concerned, and if Chakotay passed Molly's "tests," that was good enough for her.
She had to admit he was nice to come home to. If she had married Mark, would she have anticipated returning to their dwelling as she did with Chakotay? Life had already become so routine when she and Mark broke up, it was hard for her to answer. She didn't recall having any specific feelings one way or the other. It wasn't simply the fact that her relationship with Chakotay was still so new, although it had to figure into it. She could never remember being really excited to see Mark at the end of the day. She looked forward to his company, but she couldn't recall ever having been preoccupied with thoughts of her evening with Mark. He reminded her of a comfortable pair of old shoes, they were easy to slip on, and fit just right, so you never questioned if they were what you really wanted or not; they were just there.
Kathryn and Chakotay made a point of leaving Headquarters at separate times to feed the illusion they were only colleagues and friends, but she wondered if Mark might not inadvertently mention something to the Brass at Headquarters. He was a civilian, but was often recruited as an special liaison. Surely he would be asked about his impending marriage, and would be placed in the awkward position of having to try and explain why it had been called off. She didn't think he would say anything out of spite, for he was aware what her posting to *Voyager* meant to her, but he had no such loyalty to Chakotay.
She entered her house quietly. Usually, when he arrived before her, he would begin dinner, and she liked to watch him in her tiny kitchen. His complete ease within her domain warmed her heart; she wasn't so sure she could fit so well into his apartment. That was one of the things she wanted to talk to him about this evening. Since he was at her house nearly all the time, it seemed silly for him to maintain his Starfleet housing. They would be shipping out on *Voyager* soon anyway, and perhaps this would reassure him of her feelings for him.
As confident as he was in moving about her house, she couldn't say the same about their relationship. She knew he expected her daily to announce she'd changed her mind, that things weren't working out, and she wanted him out of her life. She tried to make him understand that just because she didn't want things between them to move at warp speed didn't mean she didn't care for him.
Kathryn still hadn't confessed her love for him. The time had just never seemed right. She had come to realize she *did* love him, but she was almost embarrassed by the thought, perhaps because it had come so soon. It sounded so much like high school, it seemed so adolescent, falling for a different boy each week. She didn't want to belittle the passion she felt for him. To trivialize her love by admitting her deepest emotions at an inappropriate time.
Moving through the living room she called out, teasing, "Honey! I'm home!" But there was no answer.
"Chakotay?" she called out again. Still no response.
"Molly? Here girl!" she tried, again with no result. Hands on her hips, she strode about her home, looking for clues to their absence as if she were striding the Bridge of a starship, searching for an errant Ensign. Looking up, she noticed a message left on her computer. Activating it, she had her explanation.
"Hi 'Ryn!" Chakotay's smiling face said. "Molly and I decided to go to the park, but we'll be back soon. What ever you do, DON'T touch dinner. I'm hungry and I want to eat when I get back! See you in a little bit!" His kidding smile was the last thing she saw as his image faded from the screen. She noticed he didn't use the word "home." He said, "when I get back." She was going to have to remedy that tonight.
Some time to herself. She was almost at a loss as to what to do. A shower, was first on her list, then maybe set the table; she couldn't hardly mess that up!
Dressing in a particularly sexy garment, she left no question as to where she expected the evening to end. She pulled her hair up into a loose bun, with a few stands purposely left straggling. She didn't have to wait long before she heard Chakotay and her Irish setter come bounding into the front room. He hadn't noticed her as he continued to rough-house with the already animated dog. Molly let out a playful bark, egging Chakotay on. He laughed and petted her once more before looking for Kathryn. Turning around, she saw her lounging in the doorway, one hand on her hip, the other extended over her head on the door frame.
"Welcome home, sailor," she said in a husky voice. She was struggling to keep a straight face as he advanced towards her. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her into a tight embrace, kissing her soundly.
"Gods, you look great!" he murmured into her partially bared shoulder, placing a light kiss on the exposed skin.
"I thought you were hungry," she said, trying to push him away, but without much conviction.
"I am."
"But I'm not on the menu," she stated, pushing a little harder this time, to extricate herself from his arms.
"Yet," he added. She couldn't help but smile at him
"Dinner first, and *then* dessert," she stressed, propelling him towards the kitchen. "Feed your woman,"
"Are you going to be so demanding when we're on *Voyager*?" He teased, placing their plates on the table as she lit two candles, creating a warm ambiance in her modest dinning room.
It was actually just an extension of the living room, but she liked to think of it as a dinning room. Her house was small, not much larger than most Captain's quarters aboard ship, but she liked the cozy feel of it.
After sharing a companionable meal, and an almost exhaustive amount of after-dinner sex, Kathryn lay within Chakotay's arms, smoothing her left palm over his slightly damp chest.
"There's something I want to talk to you about," she started. She felt him tense beneath her; before she could bring up the subject she wished to discuss with him, she had to ask,
"Why is it every time I say I want to talk you get nervous on me? This isn't any thing bad! You always act as if I'm going to throw you out of an airlock or something; why?"
"I just keep waiting for it all to end," he confessed. "Most of the time I can't believe you're really here, that *I'm* really here, and I guess I'm waiting for you to say you're going back to Mark."
Kathryn sat up straighter and placed her hands on either side of his face and made him look at her. "Chakotay, I love you, I'm not going to leave you. Ever." She was surprised at how easily the words had come. It wasn't the monumental occasion she had envisioned, or cried in a moment of passion. She was able to state her love for him as if she spoke the words everyday, without any of the bashfulness she had anticipated. Actually, she felt liberated, to finally be able to express what she'd been feeling since their time at Lake George, and possibly before that as well.
"Kathryn!" he cried, and pulled her into such a tight hug she couldn't breathe. "I love you so much, I just never wanted to say it because I was afraid of scaring you off. You seemed like you wanted to distance yourself from those feelings, since Mark, and I didn't want to pressure you to give me more than you were ready to." He kissed her so long, he stole the last of the air she had before the hug.
Taking a deep breath she said, " I want you to know this isn't causal thing for me. I don't have causal relationships. It's all or nothing, so you better be prepared to stick it out for the long-haul or get out while you still can!"
"You couldn't make me leave you," he said, his voice laced with emotion and he relaxed his grip on her, now that he was sure she wasn't going to kick him out of her life.
"What did you want to talk about?" he asked, directing her thoughts back to her original topic.
"What would you say to moving in with me?" she questioned.
"I practically live here now."
She lay her head back down on his chest, her neck had begun to hurt from the angle she had been holding it at to look at him. "I know that, but what about making it 'official?' There's really no need for you to maintain your apartment. That is unless you want to. I know what it's like when you want some time to yourself, and it's nice to know you have someplace to go. That's why I hung on to this place. So I had a place to retreat to if things with Mark got to be too much."
"What about you? You're the one who needs her 'space.'" he started to laugh. Then added, "no pun intended!"
She punched him playfully, "That was really pathetic!"
"Seriously," he said, "I've been encroaching on your territory and I don't want you to feel obligated in anyway to make this more permanent. I'll understand if you don't want me here every moment, especially when we see each other all day long."
"But that's different," she said. "It's almost gotten to the point where I *can* separate the 'Commander' from 'Chakotay.' When I see you at work, it's like I'm not seeing the same person, and that's good."
"I guess I feel that way too. It's almost like, I see you in that uniform, and know you're 'Captain Janeway.' Of course I see a little bit of 'Ryn peeking through from time to time, but it has gotten easier to separate the two. So I suppose what I'm saying is I'd love to live with you. It's what I've wanted for some time, I just didn't know how you'd take it."
"Whew!" she exhaled, "I'm glad we got through that! I wasn't sure how I was going to broach the subject with you!"
"Kathryn, you can talk to me about anything. Even if it's something you think I'm not going to want to hear. I'm your friend, first and foremost, and I don't want to lose that."
She turned to look at him again. "Why are you so good to me? I mean, what could I have possibly done to deserve you?"
"You're right," he said with a teasing grin. "You're damn lucky."
*********
The invitation had come at 12:00, precisely. Harry handed her the PADD, along with the rest. Since it was on top, she read it first. Chakotay was out of the office, following a lead they'd received earlier that morning; as she scanned the information before her, she was glad for his absence.
It was the invitation to *Voyager's* christening. She had been anticipating her first view of her next command, but now all the excitement she'd been feeling about the event had turned sour. Looking at the data pad again she confirmed what she'd just read. Mark Johnson was to be the guest speaker.
How was she going to face him? The list of attendees would be long, but not long enough for her to avoid seeing him. It was one thing to be with Chakotay when she didn't have to witness what her actions had done to Mark, and quite another to be face to face with the evidence. And how awkward was it going to be for Chakotay and Mark to meet? Both were diplomatic, conscientious men who would start nothing in public, especially something as publicized as *Voyager's* debut, but that didn't mean the tension wouldn't be there. If there was anyway she could beg off, she would, just to avoid the whole nasty situation. But as the Captain of *Voyager*, there was no question she would be attending. The invitation was just a formality. Her presence was expected.
What would she say to Mark? He would ask her how she'd been, and what could she say? Great, I've never felt more alive in my life? That would be the truth, but wouldn't it be twisting the knife? Or what if she said something non-commital, like "fine?" Would he take it as a sign things were just mediocre with Chakotay, and he still had a chance, and she'd have to put him down again? Any way she looked at it, the event was now ruined for both her and Chakotay. Well, at least they'd be shipping out soon and there wouldn't be any more situations, where this kind of thing would come up. All they had to do was get through the party.
Chakotay walked back to Headquarters, soaking up the warm sunshine, as if he could store the sensations for when he started getting space fever. It wasn't often he felt the need for a planet beneath his feet, but it had happened occasionally when he'd been on extended missions where there were no "M" class planets available for shore leave.
At the moment, *Voyager's* mission was rather ambiguous. He knew it had something to do with tracking down the Maquis. Otherwise, he and Kathryn wouldn't have been focusing on the rebels' activities. The duty would have been assigned to someone else. He surmised Starfleet wanted them as informed as possible when they went searching for the Maquis; what better way than to be the team assigned to correlating intelligence reports?
He'd spent the morning and a good part of the afternoon talking with an informant who claimed to have current information on Maquis troop movements. More recent than his last communiqu� from Tuvok, the man told him. Just the fact he had Tuvok's name caused alarms to go off within both himself and Kathryn. Although he was demanding several bars of Latinum, and asylum for what he knew, they felt it was worth the cost, if, it assured them of Tuvok's safety and provided a more accurate picture of the Maquis situation.
If what the man had told him could be trusted, things were heating up in the Demilitarized Zone, moving Maquis plans along faster than Starfleet had anticipated. It was a good thing that *Voyager* was on schedule for its launch.
For a while, Chakotay wondered if the ship would make it out of space-dock on time. There were constant reports of systems problems, most specifically the bio-neural gel packs. The new circuitry was so revolutionary, even the engineers who created it were having difficulties with the problems that had cropped up. The Lieutenant assigned as Chief Engineer, B'Elanna Torres, was touted as some kind of "whiz kid," and he had to admit, she'd lived up to the hype. Soon after coming on the project, reports of systems failures dropped significantly, but incidents among the personnel had risen. Apparently the half-Klingon still had a way to go with inter-personal relations, regardless of her technical skill.
Giving a wave to Harry as he entered the outer office, he asked, "Is the Captain in?"
"Yes, sir!"
"Harry, you need to work on that relaxed attitude of yours, especially if you hope to be posted to a ship any time soon!" Chakotay teased. He was merciless to the poor Ensign who couldn't seem to go against everything the Academy had taught him and relax around his senior officers, even if Chakotay said it really *was* okay to not follow procedure constantly.
The Captain and Commander seemed able to relax around each other, and with him; why couldn't he, Harry wondered. .In fact, they seemed a little too comfortable around each other. There was nothing inappropriate he could put his finger on, but there was a difference in the office since the Captain had returned from her short leave. Often, before, the tension between them was almost tangible, but since the day the Commander took off with some transparent excuse, things had changed. Both seemed more at ease, and the looks they occasionally exchanged weren't your typical command glances. Harry had some theories, especially when he heard rumors that the Captain had called off her engagement. He hadn't had the nerve to ask her himself, but he noticed her left hand was bare. The only thing was, he couldn't remember if she had worn a ring previously. It wasn't something he normally noticed. It was a somewhat out-dated practice, and he hadn't thought to look. What ever the reason, he was just glad he'd been assigned to their office and not Nechayev's. The only regret he had, was it would be over soon. It wouldn't be long before the Captain and Commander would be reassigned and so would he. Harry had hoped for a posting on *Voyager,* but he had missed it by one crew man. One lousy spot away from an assignment that could have sent his career into warp.
Chakotay entered the inner office with a single PADD and compared it to the stack on Kathryn's desk.
"Trade ya," she smiled, indicating the lone data pad.
"It'll only cost you several bars of Latinum and political asylum."
"Was it worth it? Does what he told you seem legitimate?" she asked, a worried frown creasing her face. If this evidence precluded Tuvok's information, it could mean he'd been discovered. Someone in the Maquis could be feeding him false messages, in the hopes of smoking out Starfleet's informant.
"He seemed to be telling the truth. He was certainly nervous enough. He insisted we keep moving the entire time we had our conversation. Maybe it was just an act, but he seemed terrified of discovery."
"What about Tuvok, did he mention him?"
"Only that he knew of him, and knew he was doing a job for us. He claims no one else is aware of his true mission." He told her, hoping to put her fears to rest.
Kathryn did relax slightly. "Did he say what his purpose in all of this was?"
"Apparently he's a professional 'mole.' He's partially telepathic, so his services come in quite handy as a security operative. He can't read minds, exactly, but he can sense duplicity. He works as kind of a living lie detector, and whoever pays his price, that's who's bought his loyalty. At least until the next 'financial opportunity' comes along."
"So for now, Starfleet's his best friend," she confirmed.
Chakotay nodded. "What about you, find anything interesting in any of those PADDs"
"Funny you should ask," she said, handing him the invitation. "This one's addressed to us both."
He looked over the information and froze when he saw the name of the guest speaker. She knew immediately what had caused him to start, and met his eyes when he looked up.
"This sort of takes the wind out of the sails, so to speak," he said. "What do we do?"
"We attend, of course. I realize it's not a situation any of us would have initiated on our own, but we have to go. The Captain and Commander can hardly be 'too busy' to be present at their own ship's christening, and I'm sure Mark's been committed to this engagement since last year. We'll just have to take it as it comes. I know he won't say or do anything to cause a scene, he has too much style for that. It's more that I was really looking forward to this event, and now, as you say, the wind's been knocked out of my sails."
"We've got a week," he said, trying to be optimistic. "Maybe we'll come up with something by then."
"I don't think there's anything to come up with. We'll all just have to try to get through the evening with a minimal amount of contact." Chakotay, nodded, acquiescing. It was just going to be damn awkward, for everyone, including their acquaintances.
Changing the subject, Kathryn held out her hand for his PADD. "Let's see if we can make some use of this expensive piece of reconnaissance."
*********