Once in the turbolift, Tuvok spoke. "You are reluctant to see him." The comment was such a statement of the obvious, that Janeway almost smiled.
Turning to face her friend she admitted, "I suppose so. I've gone over this moment a hundred times in my mind; it's never the same twice. And you're right. I am reluctant. I'm afraid my personal feeling are going to cloud my judgment."
"I would say, the fact you are aware of the inherent problems means you will do everything in your power to see you do not lose sight of your duty."
Kathryn placed her hand on Tuvok's arm. "I hope you're right. I'm glad your here to help me through this."
"I shall always endeavor to provide whatever assistance you need, Captain."
Kathryn smiled at her long-time friend as the doors of the turbolift opened onto Deck 9. Security officers lined the corridor as if there were fifty Maquis in the Brig instead of a lone ex-Starfleet Commander.
"Isn't this a bit much, Tuvok?" Janeway asked the man next to her.
"At the time I dispatched the team, I was anticipating a few more Maquis to be onboard."
"I think we all were," she said with a sigh. "Leave one guard posted at the door. I'm sure that will be sufficient." Tuvok nodded and dismissed all but Lt. Durst..
Steeling her nerves, Kathryn took a deep breath and stepped closer to the entrance, waiting the millisecond for the doors to respond to her presence.
At the sound of the doors, Chakotay slowly turned around, knowing who would be standing on the other side of the force-field. Doing his best to remain neutral he calmly said, "Hello, Kathryn."
*********
From the moment he felt the tingling sensation of the transporter beam envelope him, Chakotay knew where he'd re-materialize. Likewise, he hadn't been surprised when Kathryn hadn't been there to greet him. Feeling the jolts the Maquis were delivering to *Voyager*, he knew she'd be busy on the Bridge. He was grateful for the few minutes reprieve to gather his thoughts. What was he going to say to her? What took you so long? How are things at Headquarters? I've missed you so much I thought it would almost be better to be dead than live without you? The latter was most definitely true, but would she be receptive to such an admission? Seska had told him his messages hadn't gotten through; it was highly unlikely she would be greeting him with open arms.
Chakotay had been staring at the back wall of the Brig when he heard the outer door retract. Swallowing, he turned to see Kathryn standing with Tuvok. Her hair was back to the fierce bun she had sported for a few days when she was doing her best to cut herself off from him. Seeing the austere hairstyle said as much to him as her rigid posture. Chakotay almost smiled as he noted her clenched hands. It was one of the first gestures he had taken notice of all those months ago.
Chakotay was surprised his voice sounded so nonchalant. He certainly didn't feel the boredom his tone conveyed. Just seeing her had nearly taken his breath away. She looked tired, but then, so did he. The last weeks had taken there toll on them in more ways than one. Even standing there in her official capacity as his captor, she was beautiful. He wanted nothing more than to fall into her arms and beg her understanding and forgiveness, but her "Starfleet stance" left no doubt in his mind she wasn't about to allow this to become personal.
Kathryn stared at Chakotay for what felt like an eternity. Her gaze sweeping over him, she noted the addition of several blue-black lines that now graced his left forehead and temple.
On the whole he looked to be in fair health, although there seemed to be more lines around his eyes than before. She had memorized that face, kept its vision with her despite her efforts to put him aside. The tattoo and new wrinkles only served to remind her he wasn't the same man she had known, and it gave her the strength to speak.
"I see you've joined your people in more ways than one," she said, obviously staring at the new mark. Of all the first words he had anticipated from her, the mention of his tattoo had been the last thing Chakotay expected. He smiled rather sheepishly and absent-mindedly rubbed his hand over his forehead.
"It seemed appropriate at the time," he said, both of them aware that he was speaking of his choice of joining the Maquis as much as the brand he now sported.
Their eyes hadn't left each other since Chakotay had turned around. The air was thick with unasked and unanswered questions as Kathryn finally broke the spell by looking down at the PADD in her left hand. Clearing her throat, she concentrated on the information she read from the data device.
"Chakotay, you are hearby charged with treason against the Federation, nine violations of. . . ."
"Kathryn. . ." Chakotay said, softening his earlier acerbic tone
She straightened further, giving him a hard stare. "You will address me as 'Captain' or 'Captain Janeway;' is that understood?'
Chakotay gave a small laugh, crossing his arms across his chest. "Still in love with the title, *Ma'am*? Fine. If you insist that I recognize the rank of *your* organization, I expect the same courtesy. I am a Captain in the Maquis." Kathryn noted he used the present tense in referring to his association. Apparently he still considered himself Maquis despite his capture.
"'You will address me as "Captain" or "Captain Chakotay," is that understood?'" he quoted, returning her icy stare.
Janeway raised the PADD once more and continued to read the list of charges against him. "Nine violations of Starfleet regulations, theft of Federation property, aiding and abetting the enemy, and numerous miscellaneous infractions against the Federation. You have the right to legal counsel before answering any questions concerning these charges. Do you understand the charges as I have presented them to you?"
"Yes, Captain." Chakotay answered, tight lipped. If she could be all Starfleet and regulations, so could he.
"Very well. Commander Tuvok I would like you to be witness to the fact that. . .*Captain* Chakotay understands his rights."
"Aye, Captain," Tuvok replied. She turned to leave but Chakotay's voice stopped her,
"Kath. . .Captain! May I have a word with you?"
Both Tuvok and Janeway turned and Chakotay amended, "Alone. Please?" Kathryn looked at her feet for a moment then nodded her dismissal to Tuvok.
"I shall be on the Bridge if you need me, Captain." Tuvok gave Chakotay a glance as he turned to leave.
Kathryn crossed her arms across her chest, unconsciously mimicking Chakotay's posture. "Yes, Captain?"
"Look, Kathryn, Tuvok's gone. You can drop the Starfleet routine."
"This is no 'routine,' Captain. This is who I am."
"The Kathryn I knew could turn off 'Captain Janeway' when the circumstances warranted it," he said gently.
"Perhaps these aren't those circumstances. And maybe you don't know me as well as you thought. I certainly don't know you like I thought I did," she said, a slight sadness creeping into her voice.
"Kathryn," he said again, taking a step closer to the force-field separating them. But there was more than an energy field between them. There was a gulf that seemed unbreechable at the moment. "Please. If you just listen to what I have to say, I'm sure we can work this out!" He ran his hand through his hair. "Didn't Tuvok give you my message?"
"The one about supposedly still loving me? Forgive me if I couldn't believe the truth of those words in light of your recent behavior."
"Dammit, 'Ryn! Can't you just listen to me for a minute?"
"I think I asked you to call me 'Captain,'" she said, trying to appear unaffected by his use of her nickname.
"Why, because I've seen what my saying your name can do to you?"
Kathryn started at his words, then regained her composure. "No, because this is not going to be a personal conversation. If you have no further questions of me as Captain of this vessel, I should be returning to the Bridge."
"No," he said. "I don't have any more questions for the Captain of *Voyager*." He lay down on his bunk, arm slung over his eyes, as if dismissing her.
Without another word, Kathryn crossed the floor, heading for the turbolift. She managed to keep her poise until the doors of the 'lift closed, finally granting her the solitude she needed to deal with the myriad emotions overwhelming her. Sagging against the wall of the 'lift, she found herself suddenly too weak to stand on her own.
"Bridge," she announced, then seconds later, she belayed that order, halting the 'lift. She couldn't face her Bridge crew just yet. God, just the sight of him had made her weak in the knees. She thought she'd been prepared to see him, but now she realized there was no way she could have prepared herself for her reaction of seeing him in the Brig. Part of her was relieved he was all right. Another was insulted by his sarcastic and condescending attitude. Who the hell did he think he was, acting as if *she* were at fault? Who was the one standing in the Brig claiming to be a captain in the Maquis? And *he* was angry because she wouldn't let him drag the situation down to a personal level? Working herself back into a self-righteous fury she stood away from the turbolift wall and briskly ordered the computer to resume. If she could just remain angry enough with him, maybe she could forget her other half was imprisoned on Deck 9.
*********
The signal to the Ready Room sounded twice before Janeway acknowledged it. Nose buried in a report, she hadn't heard the tone until it was longer and more insistent.
"Come in!" she called out a little impatiently. Commander Cavit stood in her doorway with another set of PADDs requiring her approval.
"I'm sorry, John," she said, waving him in. Janeway had quickly dispensed with the formality of rank-in-private as she had with Chakotay. "I was just going over some of these damage reports. How did they break through our defenses so fast? Our shields barely held up, and *Voyager's* are supposed to be state-of-the-art. So how did they disable them so quickly?" Janeway held up her hand to stop his forthcoming explanation. "I know: Chakotay. But his knowledge of our weaknesses doesn't account for the effectiveness of their strike, does it?"
"I can't answer that at the moment, Captain. All I can tell you is that the last hit did some major damage to the warp core. B'Elanna estimates three to four weeks for repairs and that's if she can replicate the parts."
"Three to four weeks!" Janeway cried. "While we limp back towards Federation space on impulse? We'll be sitting ducks for the Maquis! What about another ship? They could tractor us to the nearest starbase for repairs."
"The closest ship is at least that far away as well, and they couldn't tow us much past impulse, so it would be rather pointless."
"You're right," she said. "I know that. I'm guess I'm just grasping at straws."
Janeway sighed and stood up from her desk, heading towards the replicator. "Coffee?" she offered.
"No, thank you."
"I don't blame you, I'd like something stronger too."
"Ractijino?" Cavit suggested.
Kathryn smiled, possibly for the first time that day. She knew he was teasing her. Her coffee habit was subject of many jokes among the senior staff. "Not this time," she said. "But if you figure out a way to get something other than synthahol out of the replicators, let me know."
"That's all the news I have at the moment," Cavit informed her. "Have you contacted Admiral Nechayev?"
"Just a quick message to let her know we have Chakotay and that we've sustained some pretty heavy damage. I told her I'd send her a full report as soon as I knew more. I'm not looking forward to telling her about our unintentional delay, but there's nothing else we can do. I just find it ironic that we've spent all these weeks cruising on impulse, and the first time we need warp drive it's unavailable.
"Nothing like a good cosmic joke," he smiled, heading for the door. "I'll keep you posted."
Janeway was already buried in another report, hardly noticing his near exit. Turning back towards her he said, "Captain, you've been at this for hours. When was the last time you ate?"
"Hmmm? Oh. I'm not sure," she said, head dipping back down to her PADD again. Cavit walked over to her and removed the object from her hand. Janeway was about to protest when she saw the expression on her First Officer's face.
"Okay, I'll replicate something."
"No, you need to get out of this office and away from reports. At least for a half an hour, Nechayev can wait that long for your report. If you don't, I'll call the Doctor and have him make it an order."
"We don't have a doctor," she needlessly reminded him.
"The Emergency Medical Hologram is authorized to make that assessment, and from the little contact I've had with him, I don't think he'd hesitate to order you to dinner."
Janeway smiled again. She too had had a run-in with their less-than-compassionate medical program. It was one of the "bugs" she intended to inform Starfleet of once they returned to Earth. If the programmers could develop a hologram that could diagnose and effectively think for itself, why couldn't they have given him a little "patience" for his "patients?"
"All right, Commander," she acquiesced. "Just give me five minutes."
At his continued stare she gave him her best contrite look. "I promise."
"I'm going to hold you to it, Captain," Cavit said, letting the subject drop for the moment, wondering how Chakotay had managed to deal with her stubbornness when they'd worked together.
*********
Chakotay got up soon after Kathryn left. He hadn't even tried to sleep. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but sleep wouldn't come. So much was whirling through his head he wished he could just filter out the noise and get some rest. What were the Maquis doing now? He knew once they'd detected *Voyager's* approach all Hell had broken loose; in the mad scramble to reach their ships, many valuable supplies had been left behind. No doubt after leaving a false trail, the ships would split up to further confuse the Federation vessel, with some returning to Tedron III to retrieve what had been left behind.
And what about him? Wasn't he one of the things "left behind?" He assumed they wouldn't just let Starfleet have him, but any rescue attempt would be suicide. For their sake, he hoped they didn't try anything. But he couldn't see Kurt or even Seska letting the Federation take him without a fight. Chakotay found it ironic how he had wished for capture only days before, and now he was surveying *Voyager's* Brig for structural weaknesses.
It was one of the areas of the ship he was least familiar with. He'd studied the basic specs when familiarizing himself with *Voyager*, but since security was Lt. Rollins' department, he hadn't been intimately aquatinted with the holding area until today. Another irony. Who would have thought the day he and Kathryn had toured the ship he'd be on one side of the force-field and she on the other?
And just how had they managed to beam him off the Runabout, anyway? Not that they wouldn't have been able to detect him on the ship, but how had they gotten a lock on him when the shields had been operational? Or had they? He had been so busy trying to fly the small craft that perhaps he didn't notice Seska telling him they'd lost their shields. All it would have taken was a split second for *Voyager* to get a lock on him. And that was another question. Even if there had been momentary breech in the shields, at the distance they were at, how did they actually pull him from his ship? He'd have to remember to ask Kathryn about that.
Kathryn was the real subject his mind wanted to dwell on, but he had pushed her to the edge of his thoughts. He'd seen her in her "Captain's mode" occasionally, but then she hadn't been in charge of a vessel at the time. She looked tired; the effect of this whole ordeal was plainly written on her features; yet there was a new energy exuding from her that he hadn't seen before. She *needed* to be in space, in command of a ship. She had performed her duties admirably at Headquarters, but with none of the vitality she displayed when he'd seen her earlier. Try as she might, she'd always been slightly out of synch at Headquarters. Truth be told, so was he, but he sensed none of that awkwardness when Kathryn had stood before him. She was fully comfortable with her position as Captain, even if she was agitated at seeing him in her Brig. The fact that she was struggling to maintain her professionalism when they met gave Chakotay cause for hope.
There'd been a few moments when her eyes had lost their guarded look and he saw her look at him with a flash of what used to be between them. Kathryn wouldn't have been in such a hurry to leave his presence if he hadn't affected her in some way, he reasoned. It wasn't much, but it was something to build on. If only he had a chance to talk to her with her defenses down, he might be able to at least steer them to a place where they weren't so hostile to each other. What he wouldn't give to see her smile, or laugh at one of his stupid jokes. Not to mention to hold her again. He knew that was no doubt too much to ask, but it never hurt to dream.
*********
Janeway stepped into the mess hall, glancing around to see who was there. She was glad it was fairly quiet. As Captain, she had a tendency to draw attention wherever she went; she wanted the chance to eat her meal in relative peace. Kathryn had thought of returning to her quarters to eat, but she knew it would only be moments before she had a PADD in her hand and her meal would sit forgotten. Cavit did have a point: she needed a change of location to help clear some of the cobwebs from her mind.
Her initial conversation with Admiral Nechayev had not gone well. Oh, the Admiral was pleased *Voyager* had Chakotay in its Brig after a remarkably short search, but was concerned at the damage the ship had sustained. Nechayev was likely to be a good deal more concerned once Janeway told her the extent of that damage.
Gathering her meal from the replicator, Kathryn let out a small sigh of frustration as she continued to dwell on *Voyager's* engine problems. Choosing a seat away from the door, she began to eat mechanically, her thoughts engaged elsewhere. They'd been lucky there hadn't been a core breech. Only B'Elanna's quick assessment of the situation had saved the ship from having to jettison its warp core. Not for the first time she blessed her fortune at having the woman assigned to Engineering. She might be young, but she had a natural "feel" for engineering; Torres seemed able to "pull rabbits out of hat" much like the legendary Montgomery Scott from the original Enterprise. If anyone was capable of getting their warp drive functional again, it was her.
With the ship operating at less than peak, what would they do if the Maquis returned? Would they be able to defend themselves? They certainly couldn't initialize a fight, so what was she faced with? A slow crawl back to Deep Space Nine, hoping the Maquis had fared worse than *Voyager*? But this was only one cell. There were others not that far away that could take up where Chakotay's cell had left off.
Kathryn rubbed her forehead. There were so many variables, and she felt incredibly vulnerable without warp. Vulnerable. Now there was a word she was becoming all too familiar with. It's exactly what she felt like in Chakotay's presence. For all her barriers and defenses, he still managed to break through and make her react to him as the man she loved, or had loved. Which was it? She couldn't even be sure of that anymore. Chakotay was weighing too much on her mind again, she thought to herself. Kathryn had thought she'd gotten him to a place in her mind where she didn't dwell on him, but somehow he had sneaked back in, making her shake her head as if to dislodge him from her thoughts.
"Checking to see if you have a screw loose, Captain?" Tom's voice interrupted her reverie. Kathryn couldn't help but smile at the brash Lieutenant. No one else would consider such informality with the Captain, and she relished it.
Motioning him to the seat across from her, she said, "not that I can tell, but maybe I do. Considering the way I let you get away with addressing your Commanding Officer with such familiarity." Kathryn continued to smile, letting Tom know she was only teasing him.
"I just came over to see if you'll join us on the Holodeck tonight. Everyone needs to blow off a little steam, so we're going to be running Sandrines."
One of Tom's first actions on the ship had been to re-create his favorite Terran watering hole. It had fast become the rest of the crew's favorite as well, and the lively atmosphere of the holo-dive rivaled the original.
"Thanks for the invitation, Tom, but I really have a lot of work to catch up on, as you can imagine."
"Come on. One drink? What will that hurt? You still owe me a rematch at pool, remember?"
"I haven't forgotten," Janeway said, pushing back her tray.
"It would be good for the morale of the crew to see you relaxing," he said, knowing she couldn't refuse his bait.
A small, lopsided grin came to her lips as she gave in. "Okay, but just for one drink! We're not out of the woods yet."
"Terran clich�'s, Captain? You sure know how to turn a man's head!"
"From what I hear, there's someone else 'turning your head' these days," she teased him.
Usually Kathryn had no idea what was going on in her crew's personal lives, but she couldn't help overhearing a comment Harry had made to Joe Carey in regards to a certain Pilot and certain Engineer.
Unfamiliar with being on the receiving end of gossip, Tom was temporarily at a loss for words. He stared at her, trying to formulate a snappy come-back, but his mind came up blank.
Janeway stood and placed her hand on her friend's shoulder. "What's the matter, Tom? Cat got your tongue? Or is it a Klingon? See you tonight."
Tom watched her dispose of her tray into the recycler and exit the mess hall. Would there ever come a time she didn't surprise him?
*********