*********
Kathryn stirred in her sleep, slowly becoming aware of her surroundings. The Cabin. Right, she'd come to the lake. She was naked? And she was laying on top of. . . . Chakotay? Memories flooded back as she became more cognizant, and she blushed at the way she had thrown herself at him. It was no wonder he put her off! Shifting her position, she fully expected Chakotay to release her. They would try to joke about what had just happened, and return to the pattern she had set for them--him persuing and she retreating. But he wasn't letting her go. Instead, she felt his hand drawing up and down her back in a lazy, circular motion.
"Good Morning," he said, she felt and heard his voice rumble in his chest. It was a pleasant feeling, and tickled her ear.
She lifted her head slightly, noting the angle of the shadows on the floor. "I think afternoon is more like it."
"How're you feeling?" he asked, continuing his distracting caress on her back.
"Better," she said, realizing she *did* feel lighter, somehow.
"Good," he replied, his voice as lazy as the motion on her skin.
It felt right to lay with him, in his arms. It was strange, knowing she should be feeling self-conscious, at the very least, but for some reason she wasn't. It was a relief to be so close to him and not have to fight the fascination she felt for him. Without realizing it, Kathryn's hand began to trace patterns on Chakotay's chest, to the same rhythm he was using on her back. She felt his chin rub against her hair as he hugged her tighter. It was then she noticed he still had his pants on. Somehow, it didn't seem fair he had access to her entire body, and she didn't have the same privilege.
She was almost apprehensive about touching him, after the way she had acted earlier. Remembering his words, she knew she would have to be willing to give herself to him, body and soul, if she engaged him further. Was she ready for that? Kathryn sat up as much as he would allow her to, and looked into his eyes. Tracing his lips with her fingers, she was surprised to find him taking her index finger into his mouth, running his tongue over the digit, before releasing it to move on to the next finger. Repeating the action, his eyes never left hers, challenging her to stop him. But she couldn't. Who would have thought such a simple act could be so erotic? She felt the tension begin to build within her again, as he went for her ring finger, now void of any adornment. He seemed to pay extra attention to the dent at the base of her finger, where the ring used to rest, as if to remind her it was missing, and with it, her excuses.
Her breathing was becoming erratic as he moved down her wrist, tasting her with his teeth and tongue. It was only her wrist, but the sensations shooting through her body felt as though he had used his mouth between her legs. There was no question in her mind that she wanted him, wanted to experience all of him, but was she willing to give herself to him completely, and accept him in return? It was the price he was asking and she had to decide if it were too great a cost.
What did she have to lose? Nothing, save herself. But he overwhelmed her. Just the fact in a few short weeks he had managed to make her so aware of him, she had tossed away a long term relationship with a man she'd cared about since childhood, scared her. What would happen the next time she had to make a choice between him and her commitments? Would she always choose him? He had that power over her, whether he realized it or not, and that was her real fear. On the other hand, she wondered at all the energy she was wasting on fighting him. Was she simply delaying the inevitable?
Chakotay could see she was weighing out the pros and cons of a relationship with him. It was so like her to analyze it, as if there were enough evidence, one way or the other, she would have a clear choice. But there were no clear choices when it came to matters of the heart. There was no formula she could fall back on, to tell her which course to take. He wanted to kiss her. To convince her he *was* the right choice, and her destiny, but he knew if he truly were to have a future with her, it had to be her decision.
Kathryn's eyes hadn't left his. It was evident he was waiting for her answer, whether she would struggle out of his arms, sit up and keep their relationship on a purely platonic level, or cross over the line she had drawn and become his lover. It was then she realized their relationship had never been purely platonic. They hadn't made love, but the emotions they both felt had never been mere friendship.
She inched up his chest and kissed him. Gently at first, with none of the desperation that she displayed earlier. Chakotay opened his mouth beneath hers and invited her in. He broke the contact and forced her to open her eyes and look at him again.
"You're sure?"
"Yes," she breathed, returning her mouth to his once more. It was all the permission he needed. In one swift motion, he switched their positions so she lay beneath him, his hand trailing to cup a breast. She moaned against his mouth, as his thumb teased her nipple into a hard point.
"Kathryn," he whispered in response to her moan. He left her mouth to place tiny kisses along her jaw line, and she bent her neck to give him full access to her throat.
"I could listen to you say my name forever," she sighed, winding her hands through his hair to keep him close.
"Kathryn," he said, and kissed her throat. He repeated her name with each kiss he placed on her pale skin, until he came to her left ear where he spoke her name so softly, she wasn't sure she heard it.
Taking her earlobe into his mouth, he sucked gently on the tender flesh, granting him another moan. He lightly used his teeth on her, and she arched in response. Apparently it was a particularly sensitive spot for her. He would remember. It was almost as if he were taking inventory of her likes and dislikes, and he was glad they had waited. They would have missed out on this journey of discovery and reduced their former contact to just sex, had he allowed her to finish what she'd started. It was more than that with her, and he wanted her to feel it. To know it with every fibre of her being.
Kathryn's mind was swimming, but in a wonderful way. She never wanted this feeling of peace to end. There was something liberating in knowing she could make love to Chakotay and not feel she were betraying either herself or Mark. The ache was still present, but a good portion of her guilt had been sliced away. She was floating and all she knew was the presence of his mouth on her body, until he bit her ear. Suddenly she felt another rush go through her body as she instinctively arched towards him, a moan involuntarily escaping her lips. She hadn't even realized how sensitive her ears were until that moment, until he showed her. They were his. His own special claim to her body, and regardless of what happened in the future, she would share them with no one else.
Chakotay returned to her mouth for another long, passionate kiss, before he claimed her right ear, still repeating her name. Her response to his attentions were playing havoc with his control, and he struggled to remove the clothes from the lower half of his body. Kathryn's hands left his hair and ran down his chest, to help him with his goal. The feel of her hands on his skin was driving him mad and he knew he wouldn't last long with her fingers exploring on her own journey of discovery. Gently he guided her hands to a less sensitive area of his body, but at the moment he was hard pressed to find a spot that didn't hunger for her touch.
"Oh my God, Chakotay!" Kathryn moaned, finding herself moving against his probing hand. She was so close to the edge already and he wasn't even inside her yet! He could sense the tension building within her and concentrated his efforts on sending her over the precipice she was on.
"Please, Chakotay, I need you now!" she panted, trying to pull him closer.
"Soon," he promised and continued his intimate assault, until she gave a strangled cry and he felt her tense around his fingers. It was all he could do not to plunge himself deep within her and feel those spasms on a different part of his anatomy. Soon, he had sworn. Not only to her, but to himself as well.
Kathryn felt the electricity of her orgasm coursing through her body, her breasts were tingling, her core still throbbing. He had seen to her pleasure first, but it was her turn to reciprocate. He had been dictating their movements, but no longer, with an air that spoke of her usual authority, she moved away and guided him beneath her.
Straddling him, she leaned over to kiss him, her loose hair cascading into a curtain around their faces. She could feel his erection pressing insistently against the inside of her thighs, but she wouldn't grant him, or herself that pleasure just yet. Her hands played across his chest, causing it to pebble up into goose flesh. His nipples were as hard as hers and she returned the favor he had granted her, touching her tongue to them, drawing lazy, wet circles on the dusky skin.
Reaching beneath her, she gently caressed his testicles, causing him to gasp
"Turn about is fair play," she said, smiling, knowing full well what her touch was doing to him.
"Kathryn! I can't wait!" his strangled voice managed.
"Then don't," she said, leaning over to mesh her mouth with his once more.
Chakotay grasped her hips and held her still as he thrust himself deep inside her. Both let out a simultaneous cry as their bodies finally found the contact they'd been craving. Kathryn moved against him as he forced himself upwards, and she found herself ready to explode once again. His hands found her breasts as she arched before him, the combination of the feel of his fingers and the feel of him within her, quickly sent her over the edge.
As her body gripped him along his length, Chakotay too gave into his instincts, and erupted inside her. *Gods*! he thought, *this is Kathryn! "My" Kathryn*! Aloud, he called her name, and realized she was calling his. Collapsing on top of him, she nuzzled his neck and gave him a little kiss where his neck met his shoulder. They were still joined, and she was unwilling to break the contact just yet. She felt him stroking her hair, his breathing returning to normal.
"You have my heart now," he rasped. "Forever. Don't you ever forget it." His arms tightened around her and she replied,
"I'll keep it safe." Just then she heard a new cry from the loon. It was no longer the mournful wail she'd heard throughout the night. He had found his mate.
*********
Chakotay and Kathryn dozed lightly, but only for about a half an hour. Neither was particularly sleepy, but each was loathe to disturb the warm afterglow they felt. Kathryn thought she should say something, but didn't know how to phrase what she was feeling. Completion summed it up best. She always thought if she gave into her fantasies of being with him, there would be all this terrible remorse. A guilt she could never surmount. Even though it was difficult for her to admit she'd been fighting her emotions for him practically since they met, she now found herself feeling the most serenity she had in weeks. She'd finally stopped fighting her emotions and had found herself again. She had told Phoebe she hadn't felt like herself since Chakotay had come into her life, and now that she'd let him in fully, she was no longer lost.
Kathryn wished she hadn't insisted on leaving all communication equipment in the village, for she had an overwhelming desire to talk to her sister. To assure her that everything was fine with her, and she would eventually come to be thankful for her honesty with Mark.
"What are you thinking about?" Chakotay asked, knowing she wasn't asleep.
"I was thinking about Phoebe."
"Phoebe?" he wondered, surprised her sister would come up at a time like this. He was expecting Kathryn to try and rationalize their present situation, to help her accept her turn-about behavior, but he hadn't expected her sister to enter the equation.
"Mmm hmm. If she hadn't told you were I was. . . ." She let her thoughts trail off.
"I never would have found you," he supplied, wondering if she could see he meant emotionally as well as physically. "Any regrets?" he ventured. It was hard for him to ask the question, but he had to know.
"No. Only that I had to hurt Mark in the process."
He didn't have an answer for that. He too felt remorse over what this had to be doing to him. He knew how *he* would feel if he'd been planning a marriage to Kathryn, only to be told there was another man. The worst of it had to be that he knew Chakotay, had welcomed him into his home. He wondered if he could live with that kind of betrayal. He couldn't imagine having made love to her, and then letting her walk away into the arms of another man. He had to admit, Mark was a stronger person than he could ever be. It probably wasn't much of a consolation to him right now.
Changing the subject, Chakotay sat up, bringing Kathryn with him. "Come on, lets go. You don't want to hang around bed all day when it's so gorgeous out, do you?"
"I could think of worse ways to spend the day," she said, smiling at him as he nearly jumped from the bed. As he made his way around the cabin retrieving his cast-off clothing, she marveled at his ease walking naked before her, as if he did it on a daily basis.
*Lord, he's beautiful*, she thought. He caught her staring at him, and was rewarded with a blush that crept up to her hairline.
"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" he teased her, pulling the quilt back from her. Kathryn squealed and grabbed for the blanket.
"It's also a little late for modesty," he said, removing the covering again. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me," he said, pulling her up to meet him. Chakotay wrapped his arms around her, and gave her what he had hoped was a reassuring kiss. It seemed to work, as she relaxed slightly, her face returning to it's normal coloring. The fire had gone out, and it was too chilly to stand nude for any length of time, prompting them to dress quickly.
Kathryn pulled her hair out of her sweater, and caught Chakotay looking, at her this time.
"What?" she asked, wondering at his open stare.
"Nothing," he said, closing the distance between them, sliding his hands into her hair to give her another kiss. She found herself responding to his lips and gently pushed him away.
"You start that and we'll never get outside!" How was it possible for her to want him again so soon? Putting some distance between them, she asked,
"What would you like to do first? Maybe we should have some lunch. I don't know about you, but I'm ravenous."
"I have several appetites that are demanding attention," he teased her. She couldn't help but smile at his innuendoes. It was such a relief to be able to trade quips with him and not have to worry where it was leading!
"One hunger at a time," she said, feeling like she'd have a ridiculous grin pasted on her face forever. "How about a picnic," she suggested. "I can't burn sandwiches!"
"Sounds good, but let me help."
His help ended up being more of a hindrance as he kept sneaking kisses, and licking mustard from her fingers. Finally she had to shoo him off, before she gave up and let him
take her where his playfulness was leading. Packing their meal in shoulder bag, at the last minute, she grabbed a bottle of wine, and added it to the lunch. She wasn't sure why she had brought the liquor to the cabin. She wasn't one to drink alone, especially real alcohol. What ever her original reason, she was glad she now had someone to share it with.
They trudged down to the lake, laughing companionably back and forth as Kathryn fought with her hair and the wind. Frustrated, she turned to Chakotay,
"Will you help me braid this mess, I don't think I'll ever get the tangles out if I leave it."
For some reason, her simple request seemed almost as intimate as making love. Kathryn Janeway never admitted she needed help with anything, and even though braiding her hair were hardly a major appeal, it seemed symbolic of the trust she now placed in him, and he felt honored.
"I can't do a whole lot with it in this wind," he said, "but it should help. Do you have anything to tie it off with?" She thought about it a moment, then pulled a loose piece of yarn from her sweater.
"How about this?" she offered. He tied the end of the braid and announced her ready.
"Thank you," she said, turning to look at him, her eyes bright and moist. He had a feeling she was referring to more than braiding her hair.
"You're welcome, " he said, but his inflection indicated a thanks of his own. He broke the spell that was developing between them by asking,
"Is that your boat house?"
"No, that's the Pedersen's. Ours is over here," she said, taking him by the hand and leading him in the opposite direction. Now he saw why he hadn't noticed the building earlier. The Janeway's cabin was built on a steep hillside, almost perched over the lake, and the boat house was at the base of that hill, surrounded by pine trees.
"This must be your dock, then," he stated, and she simply nodded.
"I want to show you something," she said, depositing their meal on the pier. She took his hand again and led him under the dock. Because of the incline of the hill, when they reached the shore, they were able to walk under the planks of the deck. The dock was about five feet off the surface of the water, and they stooped to walk under it.
"When we were kids, we used to be able to stand up under here," she almost apologized. "This was Phoebe and my special place while we were growing up," she confessed.
"I'm honored," he said. She looked at him to see if he were teasing her, but he was serious. This place was a sacred to her, he realized, as the mountain and Medicine Wheel were to his people.
She led him to the juncture of the hill and the deck, and fished around a nook, until she retrieved a metal box. Sitting on the ground, she opened the box and shared the contents with him.
"Phoebe probably knew this is where I hid my 'treasures,' as I figured out her hiding spot, but we never told the other we knew. Probably the only decent thing she ever did as a kid!"
Chakotay smiled at how easily "Captain" Janeway slipped into her sibling rivalry. Kathryn pulled several items from the box and laid them on her lap. A seashell, several rocks, not remarkable, but to a child, they would have been. A small, tattered feather, and several sheets of paper.
"Paper?" he asked. "I didn't think anyone used paper anymore."
"Oh, we did. Especially here. Most everyone who lives on the lake are Traditionalists."
"I find it hard to believe you enjoyed coming here, 'roughing' it and all."
"I does seem strange, doesn't it?" she said, as if it were the first time the thought had occurred to her.
She opened one folded sheet and started to laugh, as she read it. Chakotay looked at her and she handed him the paper.
"Dear Kathy," he read aloud, "you are very purdy. Will you marry me? Your friend, Cory Pedersen." He handed her the yellowed paper, and said,
"He was pretty suave," he smiled, "what woman could resist an invitation like that? Especially when it's signed 'your friend!'"
"He *was* only seven," Kathryn said, defending her first paramour. "He was my first everything," she told him. "My first friend here, my first kiss, my first marriage proposal." As the words slipped from her mouth she was instantly reminded of Mark, and the light atmosphere they were sharing vanished.
"First kiss?" he asked, trying to steer her thoughts away from their obvious path.
"Yes," she said, pushing some stray wisps of hair from her face. "Of course this came long after his proposal. I was six and he was an 'older man' of eight by then."
"It took him a year to get up the courage to kiss you?"
"Not exactly. We all went home for the winter, and I didn't see him again until the following summer. Of course he broke my heart," she told him. "He met another girl, Susie something or other, when I was ten, and he forgot all about me. I just remember I was never so jealous of someone in my life. It was the only summer Phoebs and I really got along. I suppose I turned to her out of desperation for a friend. It's funny it didn't last at that time." Kathryn chuckled to herself. "I wonder if she remembers any of this?"
Chakotay didn't know if she expected an answer from him or not. Kathryn sorted through the rest of the papers, but showed him none of the others. Holding up the feather, she said,
"This comes from an injured bird my father and I found one year. It ended up dying, but it was when he started calling me by my nick-name of 'Golden Bird.' I guess I hung on to it for that reason,"
"You don't have to explain," he said, taking her hands. "My people have a similar tradition, called a Medicine Bundle. Although it's used for spiritual quests, the items in the bundle define who we are as people. What's important to us. That's what you've done here; kept a collection of items that are important to you."
She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain, and saw she had several strands of his hair in her fingers. Silently she added them to her box of treasures. "Now I'll always have a part of you here, too," she said, almost shyly, closing the lid so they didn't blow away.
His fingers caressed her face and he gently kissed her, words were inadequate for what he was feeling. The emotions between them were getting too serious, and she got up, hunched over and called for him to follow her.
"Let's go eat that lunch, I'm starving!"
They moved their picnic out to the end of the dock, so they could enjoy the warmth of the sun. The sandwiches were washed down with wine and she felt like a teenager again, passing the bottle back and forth between them.
Chakotay lay his head down on her lap, soaking up the sun's rays. "Great lunch," he said, drowsy with warmth and wine.
"You're welcome at 'Chez Janeway,' any time, " she said. Of course you realize all our entree's are served cold to avoid incineration."
"Come on, Kathryn," he said, shading his eyes to look up at her, "You can't be *that* bad a cook."
"You have no idea," she said. "Hey, I made lunch, so you owe me dinner! What's on the menu?"
He rolled over and lightly bit her leg through her pants. "Leg of lamb." He got to his knees and pulled her chest to his face. "Or maybe chicken breast." He picked up her hand and nibbled it. "Followed by lady fingers."
"I thought you were a vegetarian," she said taking her hand back.
"You could persuade me to partake of flesh," he added suggestively, reaching for her again.
Kathryn laughed as she pushed him away. "You are incorrigible! I thought you said your Aunt Naya was the irrepressible one!"
"It must run in the family," he said, dragging her to her feet and capturing her in a bear hug. She allowed him to kiss her this time, but pushed him away again when he became too insistent.
"How about a boat ride?" she suggested. "We can't go sailing because of the ice, but we could take the canoe out where there's open water."
"Sounds great," he said, reluctantly releasing her. "Especially since you seem determined to keep my mind off other pursuits. A little cold water would probably do me some good!"
They packed up the remains of their lunch and headed for the boat house. The wide door opened on rusty hinges, and they found the canoe, nearly buried in the back.
"It doesn't get much use," she said, stating the obvious. Mark always. . ." she cut herself off, realizing what she was about to say, a guilty flush starting to creep over her features.
"It's okay," he said, wrapping his arms around her from behind, placing his head on her shoulder. "He's been a part of your life for a long time, and I don't want you to think you can't bring up his name around me. He's bound to come up in the course of conversation, and I don't want you to think you have to pretend he didn't mean something to you. I know he did, and still does. If you deny yourself a chance to talk about him, then he *will* come between us."
Kathryn turned in his arms to face him. "Thank you, for being so under standing." She was silent for a moment, then added, "I was going to say, Mark always preferred to sail, that's why the canoe got buried."
"Which do you like better?" he asked, helping her to pull out the small boat.
"I guess it doesn't matter. I just like being on the water. Sometimes I like the exhilaration of a fast sail, and other times, a lazy paddle with the canoe. I think I would have liked to have lived in the eighteenth century, to have been a Captain of a sailing ship."
"There's only one problem. In the eighteenth century, women weren't allowed to be Captains."
"I would have been the first," she stated emphatically.
Chakotay laughed, "I think you would have!"
Together they pushed the canoe partially into the water. Kathryn handed him a paddle and motioned to the bow. "Take your seat, Commander."
"How come you get to steer?"
"I'm still the Captain, whether it's a boat or a starship, and don't you forget it!"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he said with a salute, and climbed into the front of the craft.
Kathryn pushed with all her might, but the boat was settled too firmly on the bottom of the lake to budge.
"Use your paddle!" she commanded with a grunt.
"This wouldn't have happened if you'd let me take the stern!" he called, digging his paddle into the sandy bottom to help her move the canoe out into open water. Finally it had shifted enough to float away from the shoreline. Kathryn placed one foot in the boat and pushed off with the other, sending them gliding across the surface of the lake. At first the canoe felt slightly unstable, but after a few tentative strokes with their paddles, they both relaxed, enjoying the motion of the water.
They had to stick fairly close to the shore, as the center of the lake was still frozen, the edges of the ice, black, where the melting sections floated free.