| So it's a new year already... *sigh* What a year last year was... So much happened it seems impossible that it was just in one year... And it just keeps changing... Friday my roommate will move out. She's taking the semester off from school. ...I support her, I do. I know college is hard. A four-year (possibly more) school degree isn't for everybody. Some prefer not to attend any college or gain a post-high school education of any kind, and others go so far as to spend 8 years or more in school working towards degrees in law or medicine or gaining a Masters or Doctorate degree. Still others would like a little more than a high school diploma, so they attend a trade school or two-year college. My roommate is looking at the last of these options. She would prefer to spend less time in college than I am facing, but to at least get some extended education in order to land a better job. She plans to work this semester and summer while staying with family in our hometown. Meanwhile she'll weigh her options and decide where to go from here... or there. I hope all goes well for her... I'll miss her. ...As for myself, I don't know what I'll do as far as finding a roommate. I can't afford to keep a single, so I have to find someone, but... I don't want just ANYone. ...Sheesh, my first roommate from college was a big fan of ICP! (Not even CLOSE to being one of my favorite groups, in case you were wondering.) I had a Japanese exchange student roommate after that, and she was a great roommate. We got along well, and she was a good friend. :) I miss her now that she's gone home. ...I wouldn't mind having another Japanese (or other) exchange student as a roommate again, but... since it's so late in the year - and already into the Spring semester - I don't think I'll be able to. I'm pretty sure they've all found residence already. ...One of my friends from the music department or from SCAMPS would be great, but... I think they're all set too. *sigh* ...So what do I do? And beyond being worried about having a roommate I like (or can at least get along with), I'm running out of friends on campus. My roommate (also my best friend) is moving away, and my boyfriend is already off-campus (also taking the semester off). And though he's closer than she is, and although she has internet access and such... There's no one HERE. ...Oh sure, I have plenty of "friends", people who are mostly acquaintances. We'll talk in class and sometimes outside, but not much and nothing really substantial about our lives. But CLOSE friends... those are harder to come by. I'm still terribly shy, not by nature, but by experience. I sometimes feel I don't fit in places, even if I've been in that place longer than anyone else there. I still feel like an outsider (and sometimes an outcast)... In Concert Choir... Even in SCAMPS... I know in my head that the people surrounding me there care about me, but... why I can't I convince my heart? ...I suppose you could say I'm scared. Scared to trust. ...So much about me is hidden... buried, I suppose (some of it). There are things that would take so much effort to divulge again... it would leave me so vulnerable... Do you realize the amount of TRUST it would take to let down my guard like that in front of someone? ...But I guess what it boils down to (and what I keep hearing) is... trust who? Trust them? It's more than stupid to trust people. They make mistakes just like any of us and could easily make a mistake with me. ...So trust Who? I have to trust God. ...Trust Him to bring the right person across my path. Trust that He's guiding them - their actions, their words. ...Trust that even if I do get hurt (again), that there's a reason, and that He will still be there to hold me, dry my tears, heal my broken heart... and give me strength to try again. So here we go, I guess... |
| "Trust... What it boils down to" ~January 10, 2001~ |