| One in five people in this world are chinese so someone in my house must be chinese. So the other night i tried to figure out who it is. It's got to be either me, my mum, my stepdad, my brother Danny or my other brother Chang-Chin-Chan. I think its Danny. |
| A woman is lying in bed after having a baby when the midwife walks upto her. "Excuse me," says the midwife "but is the father coming to see you today?" "I'm not with the father im afraid, im going to bring up this baby on my own." "The only reason i asked is because the baby is black." "I thought he maybe," replies the woman "as i was short of money and decided to star in a pornographic movie to make some much needed cash! In that movie was a black man and that is when my child was concieved." "I'm sorry to hear that, but the child also has blonde hair" "Well that is understanable because also in the movie was a swedish man." "Ok, but your child also has slanted eyes" "Well also in the movie was a chinese man" "I'm sorry to hear about your problems, i'll just go and fetch your child" Five minutes later the midwife returns with the baby. The woman looks at it for a minute that lays it down on its stomach and starts smacking its bottom! As a consequence the baby starts crying to whcich the woman says, "Thank fuck for that, it doesnt bark!" |
| Welcome to the world of my weird sense of humour! Here are a few things i find funny! Hope you enjoy! |
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| "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said "Thank God i'm still alive." But of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again. |
| Most cars on the road have one occupant, usually the driver. |
| Quotes some silly people have actually said! |
| My sister's expecting a baby, and i dont know if i'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. |
| "Better make it six, i can't eat eight" (When asked if he wanted his pizza cut into six or eight slices) |
| If you, or a member of your family has been killed.... (The opening to a lawyer commercial) |
| He's a guy who gets up at six o' clock in the morning regardless of what time it is. |
| My lord, we find the man who stole the painting not guilty! |
| Miners refuse to work after death. |
| Plane too close to ground, crash court told. |
| Of course there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none were serious. |
| One day the queen goes to a mental hospital. The first bed she comes to has a man sat in it taking sumthing from mid-air, so it seems. "And what are you doing?" asks the Queen. "Well im taking to the stars from the sky." Her Majesty moves to the next bed, to see a man inserting things into mid-air. "And what are you doing?" she asks. "I'm putting the stars back into the sky," the man replies. The Queen then moves to the third bed, to see a man sat up pretending to be a rally driver. "And what are you doing?" she asks again. "Getting away from them two, they're fucking mental." |
| One day a sergeant decides to visit his troops in the desert. When he gets there he sees a very tired camel tied up to a fence. Intrigued as to why the camel is needed he asks the general, to which he replies, "When the troops get sexually charged they use the camel to get rid of their tension." The sergeant thinks this is disgusting but agrees months in the desert all alone must be pretty hard. One night 1 month later the sergeant has the general bring the camel into his quarters, where he promptly stands on a stool and rogers the camel from behind, all in view of the general. When hes finished he gets down off the stool and asks, "Is that how the other troops do it?" to which the general replies, "No. They usually ride on it to the brothel in town." |
| A judge says to the defendant in court one day, "Have you anything to add sir?" to which the defendant replies "Fuck all your honour." The judge then turns to the jury and asks, "What did he just say?" to which one of the jury says, "Fuck all your honour." "That's funny," says the judge. "I thought i heard him say something." |
| One day a man is knocked down crossing the street and taken to hospital unconscious. When he comes round he notices his wife sat on a chair next to his bed. The man motions for her to come nearer and he gathers all his strength to speak. "You've been with me through it all," he begins. "When i was struggling at high school and been bullied you were there, when i was kicked out you were ther, when i finally got enough money to go to college you were there, when i got poor results you were still standing by me. When i finally managed to get into university you stuck by me, when i failed my degree and dropped out you were there and when i couldnt find a job you were there." His wife, now very emotional, asks him, "What are you trying to say?" to which the man replies, "Piss off, all you bring me is bad luck!" |