| "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That soungs like Tom Jones syndrom. Is it common?" "It's not unsual" A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only cling film, for shorts The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts" A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "Lets have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm gong to have to put him down" "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"" "No. Because he's really heavy." "Doctor, I can pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well, you can't say fairer than that then" Two elephants walk off of a cliff...boom boom! What's brown and sounds like a bell......DUNG What do you call a fish with no eyes......A FSH So I went to the dentist. He said, "Say aaaaahhhh." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died" So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said, "Who's speaking please?" And the voice said, "You are" So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where your calling from" So I rang up a local building firm I said, "I want a skip outside my house" He said, "I'm not stopping you" Apparantly, 1 in 5 people are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my tounger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But i think it's Colin. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up. He said, "You've been promoted." and I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted, again", I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, "Your managing director" and I went into a tree. A policeman came up to me and said, "What happened to you?" And i said, "I careered off the road" Now most dentist's chairs go up and down don't they? Well, the one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual", and the dentist said to me, "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet" So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it" Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat git!!" Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the toher, "Does this taste funny to you?" Police arrested two kids yesterday, One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. "You know, someone actually complimented my driving today! They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine' So that was nice of them. A man walked into the doctors. The doctor said, "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied, "I know, i've been ill" A man walked into the doctors. He said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. My dog was barking at everone theother day, Still...that's what you expect froma cross-breed. I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day, When we both got a little bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided to take the first exit, but it was a proper turn-off. I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day, But i couldn't find any. |
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| Okay-my mum got an e-mail, and it had Tommy Cooper's old jokes etc etc-so I thought, ok, they're a bit pathetic (the ones I read anyway!)so why not put some writing on my site, as opposed to all these flipping pictures!-so here you are!!Tommy Coopers 'jokes'! enjoy! :-S (by the way-the jokes have nothing to do with the rugby player with the screwed up leg!!) |
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| Two aeriels met on a roof-fall in love-get marreid. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant! Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out from his head, Doctor says, "I'll give you some cream to put on that" |
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