THE GREASY CORNER HERITAGE GAZETTE

January 17

Wail good morning t' all muh loyal reader's ...This here's yer roving r'porter Herman H. Fly a coming t' yall from underneat th' tower this morn.....Wail...Ah see no need t' dew th' weather report afore th' nooses this morning..cause mainly th' weather is th' noose.....En th' noose is Snow.....En cold....my lands it cold in chear....Y'all of course knows that down here in Greasy Corner snow ain't s'actly a real common occurance, so when we dew git sum it's a real big deal....en when th' sum of th' snow is 2 feet...it becomes a bit more then an inconvience ...first off... when I come outta th' house monday morn the stuff was so deep I couldn't git muh truck outta the drive so I calls Ol Bubba from down the gas station to come en git me in the tow truck.....We finially gits to the tower en I comenced to climb th' latter t' th' top.......Wail now I guess I shoulda thunk about th' possiblity that if'n theys 2 feet O snow on th' ground....theys most lakly gona be 2 feet on th' top o th' tower....en it shouldn't take no rocket scientist t' figure that if'n you was t' shake th' rope ladder too hard on th' way up....en considering th' top O th' tower is a bit rounded......they's a better then even chance that sum of th' snow from th' top might come loose en cause a fellow a bit of a thrill as it comes a crashing down.....wail t' make a long story short, I ain't no damn injuneer, en I ain't no rocket scientist neither So's I jes never though 'bout th' other thangs neither....all I knows is, while Ol Bubba is a holding th' rope....and after I gits 'bout a haft way to th' top I sees a l'il bit O snow a comin' down from th' top...followed closely by muh chair...I slides up again th' side O the tank en the chair gets rat by me......Ah looks up....a sudden rush comes over me as muh desk begins t' come over the edge above muh head.....I 'members sumtin' I once seen in a Indiana Jones movie en decides t' try it...I grabbs the rope en kicks muh feet from the latter steps en begin a slidding real fast t' the ground....I git to th' ground jes as the chairs hits th' ground rat besides me... I have saved muh life...real happy lak I lifts muh head t' praise th' lord...I looks up jes in time t' see muh typewriter jes two seconds afore it smacks me squared th' haid...that sucker hit me so hard...muh boxer shorts come up en wrapped around muh neck....but that aint the worst part....
When it hit me I swallered muh t'baccy...Now let me tell ya sumtin' bout that asumin' yew ain't never chewed it too much .....I figures all yew gals is lak most of th' wimen down here en ya only chews when yer a tryin' t' impress one of th' young hunks thet's a walkin' 'round. Enyhow, let me s'plain it this a way......Dew yew know what they use fer a laxative fer a hoss? Yep...yew got it....ter-baccy en when th' doc gives him the dose it's a wad no bigger then a marble....now when yew considers thet a hoss weights 'bout 1000 pounds en he has a gut longer then th' tape worm in th' jolly green giant ...And if'n th' hoss don't move none from whar he wuz when they give it to em, .........that l'il o wad will produce a pile of hoss biscuts 4 feet high.......Now I knows yore gona find all of this information's usefull at some point in yer lafe.....but th' point I'm a tryin' to make here is this, .....if'n a l'il ol marble size wad kin dew that t' a hoss when he swallers it, yew kin 'magin where I spent most of th' last two days after swallering a wad th' size of a baseball.....got so bad once thar I hadda ask ol Bubba t' git me a nutter basket of cobbs.... En that folks is why I'm a sitting chear t'day in th' privacy of muh very own outhouse underneat th' tower..... en yew ain't gittin' no noose .....

Y'all have a gooden........Yer eddyter in chief.