One Liners and Puns

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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.

Does steel wool come from metal sheep?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it!

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Personally, I don't believe in atheists.

Power corrupts; absolute power is kind of neat.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Pun: the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first.

Precinct toilet stolen - police have nothing to go on.

Tact is getting your point across without stabbing someone with it.

I'm not lost; I'm "locationally challenged."

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

We must believe in free will. We have no choice.

I think I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.  (It's been done.)

Electric chairs are period furniture; they end a sentence.

All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands.

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

America's favorite whine: "It's not my fault!"

I'll live forever. Or die trying.

Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Poor eyes limit your sight; poor vision limits your deeds.

Enter any 12 digit prime number to continue.

His train of thought derailed.

If you want to know about paranoids, follow them around.

Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.

Never discuss love with a tennis player, it means nothing to them.

Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.

The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.

"Why Johnny Can't Read" - Now available on VHS tape.

Intensities in ten cities. Injuries in juries. Her man, Herman. If I slip in Islip.