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MAY - - - What a freaky frightful memory. |
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Oh my deities, I've got hair! I'm a frigging genius. I've invented the super formula hair restorer: a woman's answer to man's gargantuan problem of baldness. I'm rich, rich, rich! So filthy rich and famous I'm gonna give Donny Trump a run for his money. Eat your heart out, Billy Gates. I can buy your precious Microsoft in a breeze. Oh I'm so freaking happy I think I'm having an apoplexy. Must calm down fast. Breathe you idiot. Inhale, exhale--count sheep. I'm alright. I'm fine. I'm gonna take a brief nap to settle my nerves then wake up like royalty. |
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Alright you muggles. Who amongst the sorry lot of you tried to murder me last night? Who attempted to bash my cranium with an unidentified blunt weapon? Who stole my decanter of miracle hair restorer? Who ate my tunafish sandwich? Who drank my frozen absinthe? Who killed Cock Robin? Think my skull's fractured. Must see a doctor. Where the hell's my new pair of clogs??? |
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I like my nurse. He's young, pretty and stupid. He adores my spiky growth of baby hair and says I resemble a sea urchin. The good doctor Woofenstein declares that my life's out of danger so I'll be discharged from this hospital the morrow. It saddens me to part with my pretty nurse. Blushing suddenly. Oh sweetness, that beefy greek god surely could kiss! Got hickies for remembrance too. |
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Had a very unpleasant meeting with my bank's manager. Didn't quite like the way he expressed his concern about my overdrafts. He's also annoyed at my French hat. Took me an hour to convince him my temporary financial dilemma will soon be over. Invented a ludicrous tale about a great aunt who's terminally ill and remarkably wealthy. Left the bank after eating all his mint biscuits. Sat at the park to watch the pigeons. Walked home just as the sun started to turn dark peach. Hated the sunset scene. Missing Kai. |
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I want a baby. Just for today though. Saw this darling baby at a shop and I thought it would be splendid to raise an offspring. Maybe I'd be a terrible mummykins. With my volatile temper and lack of maternal instincts I would most certainly kill my infant before he reaches puberty. |
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Some unidentified smart ass sent me a Ben Wa through the post. How rude! |
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Have decided to take up sculpture. Read about darling Legolas sculpting things so perhaps I'd emulate his interest. Michaelangelo should turn in his grave. I've this brilliant idea of recreating David and it's not a Carrara marble I have in mind for material. |
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Ah, sleep, sweet slumber... sweet forgetfulness. The goddess Insomnia has left my chamber, I can actually stay comatosed
for hours and hours. Absinthe has absolutely nothing to do
with it. The neighbors reckon I'm doing acid and Mrs. Bat
says I should quit hibernating. I miss Kai very badly. |
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That bloody stick insect Asteria is making waves in London. Apparently she's unstoppable in getting her stupid book published. Oh, I hate her, loathe her, abhor her so. On a brighter note: hair's sprouting rather nicely. Brewed a fresh vial of potion and drank it this time. Noticed a small growth of beard though. Certainly not very fetching. Must do something about unpleasant side effects soon. To think I flunked chemistry thrice! Ha, ha, ha, Mrs. Boonigan! |
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Finally, Daddykins has manifested his existence. He dispatched his pet griffin on a very important errand and the winged creature flew over mountains and deep oceans and crash-landed through my bedroom window. So utterly idiotic a thing for a griffin to do. Buried it in Mrs. Bat's pet cemetery. Could imagine how father would take the tragic news. On the other hand...why tell him at all? |
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Lovely weekend. Watched the Prince of Spain got wedded to a divorcee` commoner. Handsome devil, pretty bride with a delicate neck as long as a swan's. Seen three royal weddings so far: that of Diana and Charles's, Sophie and Edward's and now Felipe and whatsherfuckingname. Bride and groom looked truly in love though, bloody hell. One more thing; the queen of Spain's a lot more elegant and lovelier than the Queen of England. Now Charles, don't protest. Another thing: Felipe's a handsome bloke and you're ------ well, you do have large ears. |
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Ever tried leaping from a third floor window with your high heels on? Don't. You'd ruin a perfectly good pair of shoes and mess up your hair. You'd also create a giant tidal wave and drain the swimming pool of its fluid contents as your body plunges down vertically. Then you'd
suddenly find yourself standing quite unsteadily before an irate and bewildered landlord while you rack your brains for a brilliant excuse for performing the stupid stunt in the first place. Ever tried dancing in the moonlight at a neighbor's back garden dressed like Lady Godiva while the entire block's peacefully sleeping except for a hormonal sixteen year old lad across the street?
Ever tried ringing up snotty Lord Bratwurst at three in the morning, pretending you're an emissary of the king of Finland? Ever tried . . . . Okay, I'll shut up now.
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Immensely crestfallen. Feeling unjustly suffering from unrequited love. Wistfully thinking of beloved Kai. Heart of hearts aching like a battered drum. Rasping silent sighs. Hating hideous
feet. Chewing filthy nails. Oh, Cameron, tis here is a basket case. |
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Mrs. Bat's cream of turtle and radish soup has amazing properties. It's a potent cure for the blues and other depressing moods. Feel like a blushing debutante going to the ball. Must get that
recipe. Where on this spot of decayed paradise would I find turtles anyway? Don't wish to domesticate any of those as Mrs. Bat does. But I know where to filch the radishes. Hah! |
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Former ogre of an employer gave me a ring just to gloat and villify mercillessly. So I returned the compliments by smashing the telephone fourteen times. Quite a pesky old fool, that geezer.
Love my nails today. Painted them glossy orange and they look so utterly divine. Had raw red
chinese cabbage for lunch and two hours later my stomach felt like an espresso machine. Mother told me I could never be a vegetarian. How right she was. |
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Plagued with goddess Insomnia two nights in a row. Eyes sunken into their sockets. Uglier than ever, uggghhhh! Imagined death after a disgusting lunch and the vision was sinister and hideous. Reading a little tattered book about good manners and etiquette. Thrilled to account most humans I know are actually troglodytes. TEEE-HEEEE |
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