http://www.thecorporation.com/oneoffs/96/kittyporn/index.html Help stamp out kitty porn It's your morale obligation
Also, after having the some 'cat diary' excerpts sent to me, I had to go seek the source. This is one of them, with cool midi and graphics: http://www.stealthpromotions.com/cat.htm Another one which just seems to list a new entry only: http://muse-media.com/cat/diary.html
Visit the Lakeside Nature Preserve, Gun Club and Home for the Insane by clicking on one of the above graphics. The left graphic is the furbèmon, available at the above site. The right graphic is a 'Purvey', supplied by the author of the above site. As for what the site is about, well, you decide! Sign his guest book and tell him Bigo sent you! Enjoy! And for even more weird and strange sites, click on the railroad tracks on his site.
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Columbia, and the third from Swansea. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Columbia contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Swansea contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from Chicago, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Swansea."
Two groups charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is all blonde. Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level. The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go and check on them. When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them. "Whoa, whoa-what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!" One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys have a driver!"
A missionary gets sent into deepest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white kid."
Virus Alert:
There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words 'This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.' Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can. Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers! " "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!" With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..... "You idiot" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
After a two-year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.
1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS
6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your BALLS become.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Comes winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
THIS IS THE NEW MODERN LIBERAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CNN, CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association for the Advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no soap operas scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house the grasshopper now lives in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness towards grasshoppers" has dawned in America.
Dear Abby,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in a suburb of Newark, NJ and one of my sisters, who lives in Detroit, is married to a known Libyan terrorist. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in New York City. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Amsterdam and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel; however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin. Abby, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her that my cousin plays for the Green Bay Packers?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars. So he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far about 300 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So he goes downstairs to the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk slumped over one of the original books crying. He asks, "What's wrong?" The old monk cried out, "The word is "CELEBRATE" ?????!!!!!!!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'
A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Indian: (Look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: (Look of total disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: (Extreme look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements." Indian: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep lie..."
Things that make you go hmmmm...
What Are They Saying?
Microsoft's recent television advertisement used the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings, "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which translates to: "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell."
Attributed to Rosalie Sennett, New York
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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