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His and Her drive - thru ATM machines:

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan "Just Do It." That guy don't' at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really satisfies."

The customer looks duded so the waiter tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's Strong enough for a man, But made for a woman!"

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the Doctor said, "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why, I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "if I didn't life a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light of for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her checkup, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He What?!" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed........... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

Thease are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. ("no va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go").

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read, "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put it's slogan, "Turn it Loose" into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick" a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick"

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called, "Cue" the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7. Am American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the, "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read, "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched the 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball point pen in Mexico, it's ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise it's new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated it's "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

The poor man has not make love to his wife for 8 months because of an erection problem. He consulted a local witch doctor for help.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!

All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say "123" for?"

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes 4 minutes to get hard.

Only 2 minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys.

But worst of all... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is know as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical think to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived.

Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. the man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Oh, and you though it was a dirty joke...

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient as prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well - developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both beasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight - seeing tour with a very high African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 - carat diamond ring with a matching 200 - carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 - room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets and idea. A sure - to - work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14 - inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, or something all gay people do.

But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circut party and has been for years.

Fred Flinstone

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle - toes Flinstone". The show's there song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

Bugs Bunny

Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hair dresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out broadway show - tunes with his buddy Daffy who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.

Velma )of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck - sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

Popeye

Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on ship in years. Does little sailor - dances. Dates a flat - cheated transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

Batman and Robin

Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks".

Peppermint Patty

Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.

The Pink Panther

'Nuff said

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

A mother was walking down the hall when she herd a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son - in - law."

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't' like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows." the wife screams back,

"DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer if a day when you died. The policy would go into effect the next day.

Then next day at 12:01 A.M., the first person cane to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, they guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pro/essure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side: Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

"But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. It hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.

"As I'm laying there flat up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls th 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of Assination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died,"

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...

One day the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", the Lord said.

Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well give me the good news first."

Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this Earth. Eve will be very happy that you have this organ to give you her children."

Adam, very exited, exclaimed, "Thease are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be the bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great morrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time!!"

 Guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDoc, I've been stuuuutering for yeeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?

 The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."

So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.

The guy says, "Weell wwwhat is it, dddoc?

Doc says, "We3ll, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the downward preassure is putting strasin on your vocal chords.

Guy says, "WWWhat caaaan we dddddo?

Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.

Guy says, "Doooo it!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't' stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

the doc says, "Nope..... A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!!!!!

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?", asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!

I've sure gotten old,

I've had 2 By - pass surgeries,

A hip replacement, new knees,

Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes,

Am half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,

winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia,

Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92,

Have lost all my friends,

But .... Thank God I still have my DRIVERS LICENSE!!!!

Ain't Florida great?

The publisher of this web page is in no way in the habit of sending links to others pages unless they are justly called for... However... this was perfect! Once again, thanks Bob for sending it in!!!

http://www.hamsterdance.com/