A older gentleman goes to a lingerie store. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find.

The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. This is $200, she says. I want one that's more sheer, he says.

The saleslady returns with another one "This one is $350" she said.

"Come on, you must have something even better" he replies. Once again she returns, holding up a negligee that you could barely see This one is the sheerest one that we have. It's $500.

"I'll take it!" he exclaims. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me.

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference.

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. So, how do you like it? she asks. He responds angrily "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

One day a blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed out, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, " No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager!".

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, How much? She says, A hundred dollars. He says "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She says, Hold on.

She runs back to Harry and says, What can he get for thirty dollars? Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy, all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male "unit". She stares at it for a minute, and then says, I'll be right back..she runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

Make Daddy Thin!

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his Mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom your're bouncing up and down on him." His Mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His Mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

    A guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the strongest booze the bartender has.  The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"

    The guy says, "I just found out my brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy goes in again and asks for 8 shots of the strongest booze the bartender has.  Again, the bartender asks, "What's wrong?" The guy says that he found out that his son is gay.

    Yet the next day the guy goes up to the bartender and asks for 15 shots of the strongest booze the bartender has.  "Damn,"The bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

    "Yeah," says the man, "my wife!"

The Top 16 Exercises That Can be Done in a Bar

16> Urinal Mint Discus

15> The Great "Mony Mony" Karaoke Endurance Test

14> Jumping Jack Daniels

13> Jerk Clean'n'Jerk

12> 12-Step Aerobics

11> Truth-Stretching

10> Men's Urinal Fencing

 9> Cherry-Stem Tongue Aerobics

 8> The Men's "sucked in gut" vs. the Women's "stuck out breasts" Relay Race

 7> Porcelain Bus Driver Chin-Ups

 6> 125 lb. Wench Press

 5> Male Ego Flatteners

 4> 5-hour Sedentary Ass Press & Swivel Massage

 3> The 40-Yard Nachos-with-Jalapenos Restroom Dash -- "Feel the Burn!"

 2> StareMaster

and the Number 1 Exercise That Can be Done in a Bar...

 1> The "Charles Barkley's in the Club!" Obstacle Course

Fairy tales will never be thought of the same again.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.  As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.  "First, you must wear a diaphragm."Cinderella agrees.  "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 am.  Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am.  The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.  Finally, at 5:00 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.  "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.  He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power!  What was his name?" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

A gay man goes into a Baptist church for the first time- Towards the beginning of the service, the minister says: "Since we have a newcomer in our congregation, he will be allowed to pick the first hymn."  The gay man stands up and says, "Thanks Reverend- I'll take him, him, and him."

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

        10.      Nuts! ...my shaft is bent

         9.     After 18 holes I can barely walk

         8.     You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

         7.     Look at the size of his putter

         6.     Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

         5.     Mind if I join your threesome?

         4.     Stand with your back turned and drop it

         3.     My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

         2.     Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

         1.     Hold up...I need to wash my balls first!

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex.  Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.  Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.  Acouple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"  Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and abilities.  The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital endowment.  To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of conversation on the bar for measurement.  Just then, another male patron, who preferred the sexual partners of the same gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition.  The bartender asked the man, "What'll ya have?"  The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have the buffet instead."

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"  To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

        10.     I need to whip it out by 5.

        9.      Mind if I use your laptop?

        8.      Just stick it in my box.

        7.      If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

        6.      I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

        5.      HMMMMMMMM.... I think it's out of fluid!

        4.      My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

        3.      It's an ntry-level position.

        2.      When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

        1.      It's not fair...I do all the work while he just

               sits there!

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."  Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

Q. What does a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?

A. If the rubber breaks, they're both in shit.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!  Lie to me!"

Q. How can you make a gay man scream twice?

A. Fuck him real hard, then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

Did you know...

Captain Hook died from jock itch.

Speaking of jock itch:

The Presidential Clock

Bill Clinton went to one of his female associates one day, and asked her if she would like to see the Presidential Clock.  She said, "Oh no! I am not going through what that poor Monica went through, with all the publicity hassles and rumors. Forget it!!"  Bill said, "No no!! I said CLOCK!! Don't worry, just trust me!!"  She said, "Ok, so where is this Presidential clock?"  He said, "It's in my office, come on in."  She said, "No funny business, OK?!!"  He said, "Don't worry! I promise!"  So, as soon as they enter, Bill turns around, shuts and locks the door, and drops his pants and boxers to his ankles, bearing it all.  She said, " I thought I was here to see a CLOCK!!"  He said, "It is a clock, as soon as you give it two hands and a face!!"

    John invited his mother over for dinner.  During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome John's roommate was.  She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Steve and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Steve came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gray ladle.  You don't suppose she took it do you?"  John said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."  So he sat down and wrote, Dear mother, I'm not saying you did take a gray ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you did  take a gray ladle.  But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read Dear son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Steve and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Steve.  But the fact remains that if he were sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gray ladle by now.

Love Mom.