I have lost so much in my life. Each time I lose something, it is so painful. All the painful memories, conscious and subconscious are reactivated. All the painful feelings. They are all stored in my brain. In ways I don't fully understand. But I believe they are stored. In something like a database.

I suppose the pain, the accumulated pain, is there for an evolutionary reason. In more specific and practical terms, I suppose it is there to help me appreciate the value of the things or the people I have in my life.

That is why we feel sad when someone we love dies I suppose.

If we didn't value them much, we don't feel much loss, much pain.

I value this space. This place. I appreciate the idea. I appreciate the work and the love that has gone into it. I feel sad to see it dying. Dying of neglect.

It hurts me to see people using the place. Not appreciating it. Not loving it. Just using it.

I wish that I could really talk to the space. To all the parts of it. To the piano. To the chairs. Like the two chairs that are no longer here. The person who brought the chairs here came for them yesterday. But they were not here. Someone else took them. I wonder how the chairs feel about that. I didn't ask the "owner" of the chairs specifically how he felt. But I got an idea. He felt sad, disappointed, accepting. I suppose somehow it would be possible to chemically and precisely measure each of those feelings inside the brain. I would guess it was something like 80 percent accepting, 10 percent sad/loss and 10 percent disappointment or disillusionment.

When I talk to people about this place people often say something like "Brazilians are so and so..." or "The Brazilian mindset.."

The other day I told someone "Brazilians are unreliable." haha

But I also say, "Brazilians are nice. Brazilians smile."

The person who was rewarded with a piece of paper stating that he is a government approved "psychologist" told me that Brazilians love soccer....

He was very insecure. Very controlling. Very emotionally needy. He didn't learn this about himself when he was studying psychology, or what is called psychology. He didn't learn about love. He wasn't given an exam on Leo Buscaglia's book called "Love." He wasn't told to write a paper about it. I feel pain, almost bitter, almost poisonous pain when I think of it now.. When I think of what control and fear does to sensitive, intelligent people.

Fear and control.

There isn't much of that here.

Which is why I like it.

I have been here over 24 hours now. I was scared last night. Scared of the security cameras. I don't like security cameras. Once I was "caught" taking an empty plastic soda bottle out of a building! So I was banned from the building. By a not too intelligent or loving or understanding employee of a "security" business. All the security makes me feel insecure. I took the bottle, by the way, so I could use it at home to fill with water and put in the fridge or freezer. This was in the summer in Montevideo, Uruguay. It was the Alliance Francaise building.

I was scared of the security cameras in the hostel in Kota Kinabalu Malaysia too. When I sat outside in the hallway to write at around 3 in the morning. I thought the person at the reception desk might see me and say "you can't sit here." But she didn't. I was sitting there so I wouldn't wake up my partner, who almost killed herself to stop her emotional pain when she was a teenager living in England with her "educated" parents.

So I am scared of the owner of this building. Fabio. I have never met Fabio. I have never talked to him directly on FB. He likes some of my writing and comments. But I am scared to talk to him. I am scared he is watching the security camera and he won't like something I am doing in his place. I don't know if he watches the security cameras. I don't know if anyone does. I wonder if it is part of the experiment, to video tape everything that has happened here and then make a documentary out of it. I wonder if they have filmed people having sex here. haha

Last night around 9 a couple came in. haha

They went into the kitchen and talked for a long time. I was afraid they were waiting for me to leave so before I went to sleep I went to talk to them. I told them I was afraid they might want some privacy. They were very nice. We talked about options in case they wanted privacy. They asked if they were bothering me. I said no, not at all. That is how sensitive non-aggressive people think and talk. We are each thinking of the other person and afraid we are bothering them somehow.

I regret not getting any contact info for them so we could keep in touch. We also didn't talk about Lab89 closing.

I regret that too.

Yesterday Mariana came with her boyfriend Douglas. They set up the tables for Mariana's water color art class for beginners. It was nice to see it. I don't understand how people can draw and paint. It isn't a natural talent I have or a natural desire to draw or paint. Or play the piano. I figured out how to play row row row your boat yesterday. I played it again today. But it doesn't satisfy me to play row row row your boat. It doesn't fill enough of my emotional needs.

I am not drawn to spend a lot of time playing the piano. I like to listen to it when someone knows what they are doing with it. But not when they don't!

I don't have a lot of appreciation for art and music. But I have some. I appreciate more the sensitivity of the artists and musicians. But we don't value that. We don't pay them to be sensitive or to express their feelings with feeling words, or to express their emotional needs or their emotional pain. We pay them for their paintings we can hang on our walls in our homes or in our museums.

I don't really understand that kind of thinking. Maybe because I have travelled around the world with a backpack for so long.

I went to the Eva Kleban museum.

....

How sad.

Using money from cutting down trees to collect things and store them in her fancy home.

I felt sick after I went through the museum and watched the video. Sick. Disgusted.

The art student who gave me the tour couldn't understand why I felt pain. She kept defending the lady and the museum.

So that added to my pain. Not feeling understood. Not feeling empathized with. The art student didn't feel my pain so she wasn't going to do anything to try to change society.

I am always trying to change society and cultures where ever I go. It is painful. Painful to watch people destroying themselves, their home - the earth. And damaging, poisoning their children. Emotionally poisoning them. With all the toxic emotions - fear and stress from exams and judgment and punishment for example. And pain from lack of freedom.

I feel pretty free here. Maybe I said that already. I need so much freedom. I need more than most people.

I was so controlled in the USA. So afraid. I was repeatedly traumatized there. Hit with a board two times in the public, government controlled schools.

Mr. Burson's class. 6th grade. I was about 12. Because I didn't want to do long division. He felt annoyed by me. He couldn't express his feelings. He couldn't express his needs. So he hit me with a board, called a "paddle."

I feel so sad now to remember it.

That was also the class where they showed us some movie about anarchy and what terrible things happen when you don't have rules.

*sigh

*shakes head

Brainwashing. Propaganda.

And then Mr. Lowe hit me. When I was in 8th grade. History class. He hit me but he also told me "you will make your mark on the world someday."

He saw something in me, but I didn't see it myself at that time. Am I making my mark on the world? I don't know.

Most famous people, or a lot anyhow aren't famous until they are dead. But I don't want to be famous when I am dead. Or maybe I do. What if I kept telling myself, people don't appreciate me and my ideas now, but they will. One day they will. One day they will understand and they will appreciate what I wrote about.

From a chair in front of the big windows in the back of the room at Lab89.

I am afraid because he might say something crushing. Devastating.

Fabio Olivera said he felt "devastated" when he read that Lab89 was going to close.

I don't know why Fabio O cares so much about Lab89. Maybe he sees the freedom. He values it. I found out that F.O. used to have a mohawk haha.

That says a lot about him.

We get along pretty well. We haven't really had any big conflicts. We have been roommates for about 2 weeks now.

Maybe we have similar needs. Freedom. To be in control of ourselves and not be controlled by others. Fabio works for himself in his twenties. So did I.

But anyhow, I am scared Fabio the owner of this place will say something like "I already have plans for the building. I have a new tenant coming in on July 16."

I am scared to hear that. It will be the last nail in the coffin of my dream to save this place.

I would like to talk to Fabio. I would like him to value my ideas. I don't know what he thinks of my ideas or of me. He doesn't know much about me. I don't market myself. I could tell him about me but what is probably more important is his needs.

What does Fabio need?

Does he need money?

Does he need more than he has now? Does he need financial security?

Does he need to feel appreciated, helpful? Does he like to help people?

Does he enjoy knowing that people are using his space?

Does he watch the cameras and smile? Does he feel love for the people who come in and out of here?

What does he like, what doesn't he like?

What are his needs? That is the main question.

I am not crazy about the system of ownership we have in the world. Or in most of it it seems.

It seems to all be based on power, money and violence.

If he didn't pay his taxes, the city would use violence if necessary to evict him. That is the reality. It is the same pretty much everywhere in the world I have visited.

What if people occupied the building? Would he call the police and use violence to literally drag them out? Would they beat the occupiers?

It is sad to think about.

What if I chained myself to the railing? haha

But that is not my style. I prefer to talk. With no pressure.

I don't want to send a message to Fabio because I am so scared of rejection. I am almost terrified of it. Someone told me once I am not just afraid of abandonment, I am terrified of it.

I have felt abandoned so many times. Am I "getting used to it" now? idk

Brazil has been good for my mental healthy overall. Fabio O has been good for it.

I was afraid of him last night. I was afraid when I wrote to him. He is my "best" friend in Sao Paulo. If I lost him it would be a big loss. I feel accepted by him. Acceptance. The opposite of rejection.

Acceptance helps balance my brain chemicals.

His girlfriend has been staying with him for the past few nights. I want to give them some privacy. So it works out well to sleep here. I can also go to Palmas' house tonight if I want. But I don't know how Palmas feels about it.

I really like to know and maybe I could say I even need to know exactly, precisely how people feel. It is very similar to the gauge on a car - the temperature gauge for example. If you see it is getting too hot or too cold you know there is a problem coming. There is an optimal temperature for a car. Diesel engines need to stay warm for example. Even more than gas engines. That is why the truck drivers leave the trucks running so often.

Our brains are probably pretty much the same.

There is an optimal balance. But there are so many feelings, so many chemicals. Not just hot and cold.

It is interesting.

I was very depressed yesterday. It helped when Mariana and Doug came. The building liked them. It told me so. haha

The building, the space, the chairs, the tables, the coffee maker, the plates, the silverware, the glasses - they all told me they felt appreciated and valued by Doug and Mariana.

I helped them with the video cable yesterday. I had been looking around the building earlier in the day and I found a box that said "video". Then when Mariana came she said she forgot her cable to hook up her laptop to the big screen. So I started looking for the box again. But I didn't remember just where I saw it!

Then eventually I saw it under the stairs. And it was full of cables and a projector. The cables were a big, tangled mess. So I started sorting them out and coiling them neatly. Doug came along and realized I was trying to help. He also started looking through the cables. Eventually he found something that worked. I didn't think he was going to find anything because I was thinking that there was only one kind of connection - the new HDTV connection, but there was still the old RGB connection and he found a cable for that and it worked! He didn't say thank you for helping, haha, but I would still help them again. They are nice, smart people. We had a good talk yesterday - Doug and I - while Mariana did her class.

He came over once and offered me some coffee. That was nice.
They were so much nicer than the Yunnis people. haha

I could write a lot about them... *sigh

I am afraid of writing too much because I think they might be friends of Fabio the owner.

So do I tell the truth?

And if so, how do I write it?

Love - let's go back to love.

The Yunnis people paid for this place with money. That was their contribution. But as far as I can tell they didn't put any love into the building or the space.

They didn't seem to feel too sad when it was announced it would be closing. One of them told me they had already found another place. I got the impression that they were told the building would be closing before the public announcement was made. But when I tried to confirm that, the person I was talking to got evasive.

I guess that is all I will say about that! haha

So I don't know what Fabio's intentions are, what his needs are. I just don't know. It is important information but I am not ready for it yet. I am not prepared to hear "I already have other plans for the building".

I am just not ready for that.

I am pretending that somehow some miracle might happen between now and the 15th.

I don't know how much more energy and time I will put into trying to save the old Lab89. I am getting just about exactly zero help.

10,000 people on facebook and no one has said, how can i help or can we meet at lab89 so you can tell me how i can help you?

*sigh

*exhale....

ok so that is the reality.....

the two teenagers never wrote me back. diego and juliana....

another painful disappointment....

but still, i believe

i believe this would be a great place for teenagers

a mix of worlds, cultures.

the teen culture and the yuppie culture haha

what is nice about this space is that it can be used for so many things.

and today i found a perfect place for sleeping haha

it is outside. it is small. it is private. it is warm haha

this place has so many possibilities.

I have felt a lot of loss since I came to Brazil. I have also found some things, found some people. I have lost more people than I have found in terms of numbers and in terms of pain, at least at times the pain from the loss is much stronger than the healing from the found. But today my chemicals feel more balanced. I feel the found more than the lost or at least about even. I am afraid to say what I found, because I am afraid i will lose that too and it will hurt more if i acknowledge it publicly. So I will just keep it inside me for now.