Back to the main page

back to the table of contents

BE MY GUEST - BE MY GUEST - OH, WON'T YOU BE MY GUEST? (SPECIAL OUTSIDER REVIEWS)

Queens of the Stone Age - R CD (Interscope Records)

(Reviewed by The Minister of Offence)

I was stoned on grass, reds and a bottle of homemade wine the first time I heard Kyuss. I remember it clearly because I was also fondling a particularly unobtainable female at the time (ed. note - in the paper edition, it was here that I made a sound of mock disgust at this act. However, I should learn to be more tolerant of perverts, I suppose, so I withdraw the remark (reluctantly)).

Even in such an altered state, I was firmly convinced they sucked. Oh, yay! Another bunch o' Sabbath spawn! Keep in mind Helmet and Soundgarden were huge at the time, and grunge hadn't become a youthful embarrassment (like a zitty Jr. High photo). Thus, I, The Minister of Offence, the Uber-Noise God, the Championer of a Thousand Degrees of Super-Sludge, was not impressed.

Months later, some worthless wise-ass jammed their "Blues for the Red Sun" album in the tape deck of our limo (en route to Lollawhatlosers, no less) - just to annoy me, I'm sure.

Was it a change of artificial inspiration? Were the fires of Hell blazing an inferno of unknown magnitude? I'll never be sure, but I became a fan of Kyuss for life. I will be forever ashamed of the several months where I sneered ignorantly that they were nothing more than Soundgarden Jr.

Kyuss made two more pigfuck rock opuses before disbanding in, uh, 1996. Vocalist John Garcia formed Unida; guitarist Josh Homme and original bassist Nick Olivieri, after stints in Screaming Trees and Dwarves respectively, formed Queens of the Stone Age.

Make no mistake, motherfuckers - this latest platter is THE SHIT! Easily my favourite album of the last few months.

Yea, kats 'n' kittens, many an evening with nothing but my hand for company has been spent grooving to this evil swill. I mean, the goddamn thing opens with the refrain: 'Nicotine, valium, microdot, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol!" (with none other than Rob "King of Queens" Halford himself on backing vocals). What can I say? Genius! You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to come up with a better "hook" than that (cf. paper edition for obvious snide remarks about drug use and the probability of getting up early in the morning :) ).

From there, diversity is the name of the game. Brain-fornicatin', spacey songs chock fulla hooks, textures 'n' moods. It's nice to see Interscope trying to redeem themselves after exposing our ears to toxic waste like Limp Bizkit. Sign and promote the shit outta nowhere genius Paul K and I may forgive you.

NOTE TO HEADBANGERS

Upon first listen, you may be disappointed at the lack of distortion feasts on hand, but give this baby time. It'll grow on ya like magic mushrooms on cowshit. After a few spins, your mullet will be 'a-swayin' like ya limp dick at a Ron Jeremy film festival (nb: He's a small, furry, rather ugly male porn star, I'm led to believe).

Pussycats - Rock On! CD (Munster Records, P.O. Box 18107, Madrid, 28080, SPAIN)

(Reviewed by Miss Ivy)

...There's a Spanish surf-sound garage band, Pussycats, consisting of Belen (drums), Milane (bass/vox) and token boy Israel (guitar). Their singing tends to get breathless keeping up with their playing. Still, their CD has a catchy cover (garters, heels, pink hair and catsuits), and I was a sucker for it!

FIRST COMMANDMENT OF THE MINISTER OF OFFENCE

Gather round, you hapless/hopeless dregs who like to think of yourselves as human! Praise me, fo' I have seen the horrors approaching as foretold by the Good Book (Tropic of Cancer, I think).

Raise your eyes to the skies! Fall to yo' knees and beg fo' yer redemption! Those who disregard all I have warned thee of shall be cast into the mall! Thou shall be condemned to purchase insidious amounts o' punk rock rekkids...

Think this sounds good!? I forgot to mention that all of these opuses bear the insignia of Epitaph!!

Praise the heavens, brothers and sisters! I beseech thee to broaden thine horizons! Dost thou really need 200 horrid versions of that humourless beast Bad Religion? Let me cradle yer damned and wasted souls as I whisper: 'Nay!'

Thou hast been deceived by the great horned Californians! Their trickery is in the form of a fake revolution! Do not fall victim to these heathens!!

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws