KICKING OPEN THE CELLULOID CLOSET:

This was actually the first year I got to see a significant number of films at this much-anticipated event, thanks to a new work schedule and a soul-destroying job that pays me enough money to make it practical.

To explain how the festival is set up, there are blocks of short films organized. I went to WRONG SIDE OF THE BED (Saturday 22^nd, 7 PM), ROUGH AND READY (Saturday 22^nd, 9:30 PM) and HEAVY PETTING (Sunday 23^rd, 2 PM).

The first block (which started at the same time as Gosford Park just across the hall at the repertory theater screening the festival, thus causing me to whimper and whine about all the fine Daddy Bears going in to that showing (‘um, excuse me, Sir? Woof?’) – I was tempted to slip on an usher uniform and direct them in to sit with me, but I did not have the (malice) aforethought…) began promisingly with the very low-budget, lo-fi I Hate You (3 minutes, d. Peter Kingstone, Canada, 2001, video), which is all about a man staring into a camera documenting all the things he hates about his boyfriend, which include how he urinates. At the end, though, he gets back into bed and they snuggle (said honey, by the way, was kind of big and furry, so, if the narrator despises him so, perhaps he should hand him over to a local hungry Bear…). I should add I’m reconstructing the showing with the help of the program, so I guess the next work Since Then (3 minutes, d. Robert Kennedy, Canada, 2001, video) did not have an impact on me, since I have no recollection of it. It was said to be ‘an endearing work…of the mundane routines of post-breakup life,’ and, since I have no post-breakup life (back off, bitch, on the obvious remark about having no life, end of sentence…), I could not relate. Caught (21 minutes, d. Christopher Gotchall, USA, n.d., video) was a cute piece about adultery that I could not physically connect to either, but was nice (note I said physically – my brain has several incurable venereal diseases…) – it tied in with 4 PM (13 minutes, d. Samantha Bakhurst and Lea Morement, UK, 2000, 35mm), which is about a one-night dyke affair that goes wrong for the closeted politician involved (though I still think someone being locked IN an apartment is far-fetched). I Hate Faggy Fag Fag (9 minutes, d. Jeffrey Maccubbin, USA, 2000, video) was rife with stereotypes, bad role models, drug use, body-hatred and gay-bashing (by a woman who is a ringer for Mink Stole (I checked the credits – it’s not her)), and thus one of my favourites. Look into that mirror, mainstream gay culture – recognize anybody? An inspired pairing was Traditional Family Vampires (16 minutes, d. Bob Poirier, USA, 2000, 35mm) and Chopstick, Bloody Chopstick (14 minutes, d. Wayne Young/Shawn Durr, Canada, 2001, video), as each was campy, violent, overacted and socially relevant (and the latter also has an appearance by Miss Cookie, a Vancouver personality who also ‘stars’ in a piece in Cruising, one of the many sexually explicit, filthy ‘zines that city breeds). Finally, Love Ltd. (24 minutes, d. Jennifer Thuy Lan Phang, USA, 1999, 16mm) provided the relatively heartwarming, though still rather troubled, content of the festival, as everyone comes out in a large Asian family except for the mother (who presumably has her own closet now). It was the most ‘professional’ looking of the films, as well as the one which evidently had experienced ‘actors’ in it. There was one other film substituted for one that vanished, but I can no longer remember what it was called- it was Canadian, though, and had a similar theme to Love Ltd.

ROUGH AND READY was the sexual stuff, so, after going to confession (this puzzled the Catholic priest, since I’m Anglican, but, once he learned I was gay, he could relate (though he was disappointed I was over the age of consent)), I was prepared to be degraded. Sadly, though, most of it was lost on me – I just don’t ‘get’ porn, though I am politically in favour of it and am sure it serves a useful purpose (if Canada Customs is going to seize safe-sex information, gay men have to learn about sex from SOMEWHERE…). All You Can Eat (5 minutes, d. Michael Brynntrup, Germany, 1993, 35mm) was a collage of 70s porn which had everyone laughing knowingly – I was laughing unknowingly, because what little porn I’ve seen strikes me as funny IN CONTEXT, and it seemed like a pointless exercise to me. Peter Fucking Wayne Fucking Peter (5 minutes, d. Wayne Young, Canada, 1994, video) was, I hope, intended to be over-the-top, as the combination of sexually explicit language and flowery poetic talk had me in stitches. Sucker (13 minutes, d. Iain Murton, Australia, 2001, video) was another vampire film (with elements of goth and even Videodrome tossed in), but, though it was nice and stylish, the plot seemed confusing and muddled to me – and, really, I mean, the oral-sex metaphor of vampirism was old when Bram Stoker played with it in Dracula! Nice Girls Don’t Do It (11 minutes, d. Kathy Daymond, Canada, 1990, 16mm) was a documentary about female ejaculation – I must confess I was stunned on looking back to discover it was only that length, as it seemed to take hours (I might add most of the lesbians I asked found it tedious too). On the other hand, Pussy Buffet (7 minutes, d. Ursula Rodriguez and Kadet Kuhne, USA, 2001, video) was actually, er, tasty and fun (with some modification, I’ll have to try some of those recipes and serving suggestions J ). Watching Lesbian Porn (10 minutes, d. Dayna McLeod, Canada, 2000, video) was a scream – a deconstruction of feminist analysis of porn that defies description. The Misadventures of Pussy Boy: "Sick" (6 minutes, d. Alec Butler and Terri Roberton, Canada, 2001, video) was an animated FTM high school story (the director was in attendance at the showing, and it took me a while to actually ‘get’ the film (I couldn’t understand why this boy was being called a ‘faggot’ for dating a girl – but, in retrospect, it occurred to me that I remember some queer girls actually being called ‘faggot’ in Nova Scotia, where Mr. Butler comes from (and the land of my paternal heritage, where I lived for four years)), but I finally realized that the narrator (who is the director) was FTM) that was very touching. Back Room (13 minutes, d. Guillem Morales, Spain, 1999, 35mm) is a shot inside the minds of the attendees at a gay bar’s back rooms (which are almost like a labyrinth, doubtless a directorial decision made to represent the twists and turns of their thoughts)) – it was provocative, but really quite depressing in a way. I think I really must be getting old and/or married, because I find myself thinking: ‘How meaningless and degrading it must be to hang out in such places’…then I slap myself…again…AGAIN…AGAIN!!! (excuse me – lights up cigarette, then remembers he doesn’t smoke…).

After that ordeal, I needed something cute and light. HEAVY PETTING should calm me down (now isn’t THAT ironic!?), and was seen in the bright, unforgiving light of day (well, not inside the cinema, of course). The Housesitter (5 minutes, d. Melissa Levine, Canada, 2001, video) was a troubling insight into the minds of people who allow their pets to control their lives just a little too much – if I ever found a pet with such obsessive demands, I think I’d take it to a shrink… J Puss In Books: Adventures of the Library Cat (29 minutes, d. Gary Roma, USA, 1998, video) was entertaining, and about library cats (and proof there are people who have even less of a life than I do, which is deeply depressing and a powerful argument for mass suicide…). Dykes and their Dogs (17 minutes, d. Mary Jo Godges and Renee Sotile, USA, 2000, video) concerns the title contest, held in West Hollywood, California, each year. Too funny, with a cool dyke-rock band doing songs in it, and with at least two puppyboys making incongruous appearances. J Breakfast With Gus (8 minutes, d. Siobhan Devine, Canada, 1997, 16mm) is a cats’-eye-view story of how hard it can be to get fed when you’re a pussy (and also a warning to keep your goldfish bowl way up on a shelf when you leave the house). Early Frost (17 minutes, d. Pierre Pinaud, France, 1999, 35mm) is still another piece about a queer rabbit – when will people stop copying each other!? And then there was The Traveling Eye of the Blue Cat (15 minutes, d. Shawn Atkins, USA, 2001, 35mm) – yes, and then there it was…I cannot comment on its deep meanings…very beautiful, very well-done, and very incomprehensible…

And so it’s over for another year. I had fun, mostly – as much as I ever do. J