IT IS YOUR FAULT AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD by Dr. Arne Ledet, Ph.D., edited by Mr. Tim Murphy, B.A.

(Ful I. Byknight Press, Iroquois Falls, Ontario, 2002, $99.95 (autographed by author), $129.95 (regular edition))

This volume is a refreshing change (if only because you would have to either succeed or lack fiscal responsibility to obtain it). Poised somewhere between I’m OK, You’re OK and Final Exit, it pulls few punches and is rife with the alternately (if not necessarily balanced) compassionate and vicious insights of the author.

Here are a few of his striking observations:

1. Too many people are wandering around convinced that, though they: voted for Mike Harris; kick kittens whenever possible (while they are wearing boots made by Chinese internment camp prisoners), say ‘libary’, ‘nucular’ and ‘irregardless’; and attended EVERY Police Academy film (twice), they are decent individuals worthy of love and respect. UNTRUE!! It is crucial that those potential readers realize they SHOULD have low self-esteem, and, for the sake of humanity, own and validate it.
2. Attractiveness is all in the mind, and so are those voices you hear. Think about it.
3. If you need to discuss every detail of your relationship, day in and out, you may not really have one, but, rather, a gestalt therapy group, law firm or book club.
4. As Frank Zappa once said: ‘What’s the ugliest part of your body? I think it’s your mind." If you see darkness and doom all around you, you should pry those light-sensitive shades off your head (or stop staring into the sun). It can’t ALWAYS be the entire world against you – sometimes the reason you fail is because you either didn’t learn the rules (which may be partially understandable – after all, you DO have to pay for them) or can’t bluff very well…

These are but a handful of the profound, yet commonplace and obvious, truths contained in the work of Dr. Ledet (edited by Mr. Tim Murphy, his secretary who goes with him everywhere, stays in the same hotel room and shares a one-bedroom apartment with him (there are rumours they are a couple, but Dr. Ledet’s height, glare and dismissive back-handed wave dissuade questions along these lines)). You should go out and buy it now – buy several, in fact. You spent $300 on popcorn and tickets for the Police Academy masterpieces – it’s the least you could do to atone!

(Mr. Kirker lives in Bear, Delaware, works for himself, and is still seriously underpaid)