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In the beginning there was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was on the face of the Workers. 
And they spoke among themselves saying, "It's a crock of !@#$ and it stinks."And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and said it was good. And the Plan became policy, and this is how !@#$ happens. A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and shouts: "COW!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road. The woman runs smack dab into a large cow moments later. There is no moral to this story. what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. Some or all of these are actually true! Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front. I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries. A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole." A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer requested. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now." The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes. by the California Department of Transportation's driving school: Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. |
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.