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A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Since gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. 
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowlwhile still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Brewing Company Certified Engineer
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house
training.
Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.
Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.
Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.
Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You're dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.
Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.
Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.
score below average on standardized tests. the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. * Horn broken. Watch for finger. * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot. * All generalizations are false. * Cover me. I'm changing lanes. * I brake for no apparent reason. * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. * I'm not as think as you drunk I am. * Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I love cats... they taste just like chicken. * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. * Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons. * Born free... Taxed to death. * The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. * Rehab is for quitters. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Work is for people who don't know how to fish. * Montana -- At least our cows are sane! * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * If you don't like the news, go out and make some. * When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS.. * Sorry, I don't date outside my species. * No radio - Already stolen. * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. * Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges. * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. * IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. * It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. * According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from? * How can I miss you if you won't go away? * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * i souport publik edekashun. * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? * Ever stop to think and forget to start again? * Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole. * Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." * The proctologist called...they found your head. * Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film. * Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date. * Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. * I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. * WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. * Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. * Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody, But Me." * Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends. * Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. * If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. * Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. * Hang up and drive! |
