Credit for the vast majority of the material on this page goes to Deb Walheim's Quotable Adam Schiff and Law & Order Quotes

Quotes

Season 1 (2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ?)

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die
+ "You're not going after Al Capone here."
+ "What do you want me to tell you? Hamburger is filet mingon?"
+ Ben: "What would you like, a confession?"
Adam: "That would be nice."

Happily Ever After
+ Ben: "I thought you didn't believe in evil."
Adam: "Never met Janet Ralston before."

Prisoner of Love
+ "You can consent to being tortured but you can't consent to a murder."

Life Choices
+ "Look at us -- three men talking about what rights women should have�over their own bodies. Doesn't that strike you as a little one-sided?"

The Torrents of Greed
+ "You too, can have monogrammed socks."
+ "I don't photograph well with egg on my face."
+ "Let's see what key Mr. Pilefsky sings in."

The Secret Sharers
+ "A girl raped, a sister on trial for murder, Shambala Green with a jury--she'll milk 'em till they moo."

The Serpent's Tooth
+ Adam: "Great--a prosecution based on debt-refinancing. It's gonna get you real far with a jury."
Ben: "I'll lay it out for them--I'll draw 'em a Monopoly board if I have to."
Adam: "I'd like to see them get from Park Place to GO."

Sonata for a Solo Organ
+ "Grand theft kidney."

Season 2 (1 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ?)

Wages of Love
+ "Pride goeth before a fall. I'll send you flowers in the intensive care unit."

Asylum
+ Paul: "Wall Street lawyers doing pro bono?"
Adam: "Makes 'em feel good."

Misconception
+ "The law is supposed to be a shield, not a sword."

Out of Control
+ "Utopia's a small town upstate, with a different zip code from the criminal justice system."

Heaven
+ "And since when are ambition and greed mutually exclusive?"

Blood is Thicker...
+ Adam: "Who's available to send in?"
Ben: "An armed robber and a rent-gouging landlord."
Adam: "Go with the armed robber. Ends up in front of a jury, get more sympathy than a landlord."

Vengeance
+ "In this business, lightning does strike twice."

Cradle to Grave
+ "Love makes the world go round -- it also makes plea bargains difficult."

The Fertile Fields
+ "If you get a bad lie, you don't pick up the ball and walk off the course."
+ "Common sense has nothing to do with it."

Intolerance
+ Ben: "She pulled the trigger..."
Adam: [stares]
Ben: "...not physically..."
Adam: "Ah... metaphysically."
+ "Cloudy, muddy, murky.� The jury has enough reasonable doubt they'll bottle and sell it."
+ "I think I liked it better when the criminals were doing the killing."

Silence
+ "Yeah, it's amazing. Bunch of lawyers get together and toss the first amendment's right of free press down the toilet."

Season 3 (1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ?)

Skin Deep
+ "Who said hookers were dumb?"
+ "Stuff envelopes for the county leader, you too can ascend the bench."
+ "When did we turn this office over to the Marx Brothers? First nobody checked out the husband's custody suit, and now it turns out nobody checked to see whose bloomers were whose. You going for a record?"
+ Ben: "It's not a walk in the park."
Adam: "Yes it is. You're gonna get mugged."

Conspiracy
+ "I don't want Gary Lowenthal tap dancing his way into an acquittal and a 'soon to be major motion picture.' "
+ "Before we start blue-penciling the sixth amendment, maybe we ought to hit the rewind button first."
+ "Hell, blame it on the CIA. They haven't been fingered in years."

Forgivness
+ Ben: "Cy Weaver just fired his first round.� Motion to supress the bag and the confession."
Adam: "Well at least he didn't nominate the boy for a good citizen's medal."

The Corporate Veil
+ "If I had a cover like that, I'd never catch cold."

Wedded Bliss
+ "I woke up this morning--I thought it was the twentieth century!"
+ "In politics, two choices: do nothing, do something. Nothing has fewer risks."
+ "When you go to trial, invite a couple law students to provide the laughter."

Prince of Darkness
+ "We say he's Gaitan, they say he's Esteban. Without fingerprints, they can say he's Peter Pan."
+ "I'm not up on my Catholic theology. Is self-righteousness a mortal or venial sin?"

Point of View
+ Ben: "You want me to drop it?"
Adam: "They gave Thelma & Louise an Oscar. Without more, I'd call it a day."
+ "What are we running here, the '62 Mets?"
+ "Yep, you've got snap, crackle, but no pop."

Right to Councel
+ Ben: "He lied to the police.� Motive, fingerprints... When you add it all up--"
Adam: "When you add it all up you get a basket of goose eggs."
+ "A first year law student could punch more holes in your case than ConEd has on Third Avenue."
+ "If we took the license of every incompetent lawyer in this city, we wouldn't have to recycle the New York Times."
+ "Lawyers killing their clients for money--they left that one out of the cannons of ethics."

Night and Fog
+ "We're not in the evil business, we're in the crime business."
+ "Trying to reconstruct reality is worse than any nightmare."

Promises to Keep
+ "I read your memos like holy writ."
+ "Is this about facts? There are no facts. You want to believe she's reckless? Define reckless."
+ "Emotions plus logic. Let's hope they put them together the way you do."

Mother Love
+ "Who cares if he doesn't want a deal? We've got a case with balloons, bells, and whistles!"
+ "I only like surprises at parties."
+ "We live in a two choice world--one or the other."

Virus
+ "The crying towels are down the hall."
+ "With a leap like that, they'll put you in a Nike commercial."
+ "Rock 'n' Roll gives me a headache, doesn't mean I was part of a conspiracy to kill John Lennon."

Securitate
+ "Since when do we take the word of a known felon as Gospel?"

Manhood
+ "O'Hara's a well-liked cop. He's been decorated more times than my living room."
+ "Yeah, congratulations. You have flour and water, get an oven, you can make bread."
+ Ben: "She could have let it [the memo] in."
Adam: "Judge Larkin? Her politics aren't with you when the law's against you."
+ "The last defense of the guilty: We did it, but it's all right."

Benevolence
+ "Fine. Indict Gordon Bryce. If he doesn't work out, there's always the nun in Calcutta."
+ "You wanna play King of the Mountain with Arthur Gold, do it on your own time. When he offers you a plea, sit down and discuss it with him."
+ "You'll need more than open, sesame to get her to talk."

Season 4 (1 2 3 5 6 7 8 9 10 ?)

Discord
+ Ben: "She told him to stop, Adam."
Adam: "Yeah, and I tell my grandson 'Your mother doesn't want you eating any candy,' then I leave him alone in the room with a jar full of M&Ms."

Profile
+ "Don't worry about his motivation, worry that he could win."

Black Tie
+ "You've got five judges, Miss Kincaid, two of whom have to look to their right to see Thurgood Marshall."

Apocrypha
+ "Of course, you convinced the grand jury, Ben--yours is the only voice they heard."
+ "I know how to scramble eggs, doesn't mean I made breakfast."
+ "Religion and choice--strange bedfellows for 2000 years."
+ "Next time I want to see you pull the tablecloth and leave the glasses standing. No way you should have won this case."

American Dream
+ "First day of law school: 'Known perjurers do not make good witnesses!' "
+ "When he gets acquitted, I might offer him a job."

The Pursuit of Happiness
+ "Trial lesson number twelve: the perfect witness always has dirt under his nails."
+ "That jury hears any more about that dead Mr. Cooper, they'll wish they'd killed him."
+ "Quick! Lock the door! Someone might walk in with a case we can win."
+ "I wouldn't count your chickens: your omlette just hit the fan."

Golden Years
+ "So the two of you want to pressure the girl to plead to a lesser offense she might not be guilty of because she's about to be convicted of a more serious offense she might be guilty of. Does that make sense to you?"
+ "I'd do two years in Attica happily if I walked out 25."
+ Ben: "Murder by starvation--I think that's enough to move a jury."
Adam: "Be sure you get one with gray hair. Youth has no patience with the elderly, particularly the troublesome and cantankerous."
Ben: "Oh? Speaking from personal experience?"
Adam: "I'm a sweetheart. And middle aged."

Snatched
+ "It wouldn't be the first time that you gave the grand jury a dog and pony show without the pony."

Breeder
+ "Unfortunately, inhumanity is not against the law."
+ "Why shouldn't she [take pleasure out of manipulating people]? It made her a lot of money."

Censure
+ "Who do we pay around here to keep things quiet?"
+ "Psycho-gibberish--always the best refuse for a weak prosecution."

Kids
+ "We have one boy dead, another paralyzed, and a 16 year old who thinks he's Wyatt Earp and you want to deal him because he's a nice kid and his father's a cop?"
+ "I love a case where a homicidal gun dealer's our best witness."
+ "She gets overturned anymore, she'll be walking upside down."

Big Bang
+ Adam: "What's the theory?"
Claire: "That protons eventually fall apart."
Adam: "Is this something to worry about?"
+ "Terrific. Now to win a larceny trial all we have to do is prove how the universe ends."
+ Ben: "But on the other hand he killed a woman, so I had to play it by the book."
Adam : "You feel bad about that?"
Ben: "Twenty-five years -- he's not your typical killer."
Adam: "He is. He killed somebody."
Listen! (.wav format)

Wager
+ "Dimissed?� What have you been sprinkling on your breakfast cereal?"
+ Ben: "We've got to ask for a continuance."
Adam: "So you can find another incompetent witness?"

Doubles
+ "Someone ought to tell her that revenge is one of your four major food groups."

Old Friends
+ "I can put my barber together with half the hitmen in the city.� One of them slits somebody's throat, you can't prove the barber ordered it."
+ "Never ask a jury to think."

Season 5 (1 2 3 4 6 7 8 9 10 ?)

Coma
+ "Want to try to turn the law around? Be my guest, just don't complain to me you're overworked."
+ "Well, I understand you've been promoted from assistant district attorney to supreme deity."
+ Adam: "Hmmm...smart."
Jack: "Lucky."
Adam: "Or innocent."

Blue Bamboo
+ "This defense! Like my grandmother's nightgown, it covers everything."

Family Values
+ "Don't bother inviting me to your disbarment party."

White Rabbit
+ "Five minutes of Bill Kunstler goes a long way. When you were learning to walk, he and I were on the same side of the courtroom, protecting protesters from the government."
+ "In those days, they wiretapped anyone who wore a paisley shirt."

Competence
+ Claire: "Now all we have to do is hope the jury understands the difference between motive and intent."
Adam: "Good luck. That's beyond most members of the bar."

Precious
+ "Munchausen, shmunchausen."
+ Jack: "If those were my children, I'd want that woman in prison."
Adam: "With a 15 percent chance she's innocent? I wouldn't tell that to the next Mrs. McCoy."
+ "If your crystal ball is that good, I'll tell the mayor we don't need police anymore."

Scoundrels
+ "I'm beginning to think the defense case is rather convincing."

House Counsel
+ "Smart has nothing to do with honest."
+ Adam: "What is this, Bernie's Bargain Basement? Cop to four murders and get only five years?"
Jack: "When I made the deal, I had no idea..."
Adam: "You had no idea because your blood was rushing downstream to somewhere south of the border."

Guardian
+ "You tell your detectives that the Bill of Rights isn't a doormat."

Progeny
+ "Is there anyone in town who is not using this office for their own personal agenda?"

Rage
+ "Someone ought to give our detectives a crash course in fourth amendment search and seizure law!"
+ "Without motive, you couldn't convince a jury water's wet."
+ Jack: "If we can establish that we would have inevitably discovered the trade..."
Adam: "What psychic are you planning to call as your first witness?"
+ Jack: "This is about convicting one man of homicide."
Adam: "Man, don't you wish. I've got news for you: if enough people think it's about racism, it's about racism."
+ "No one's being condescending here, young lady."

Performance
+ "Points for what?!"
+ "[They] must have taken an oath of stupidity. Even the mob doesn't command such loyalty anymore."
+ Jack: "I think I can win."
Adam: "That's great. You get an A for self-esteem."
+ "So you've got something legal and inadmissible that you're trying to get in the back door twice. I like it."
+ Claire: "The Judge recommended that they serve two years."
Adam: "Wonderful--they'll be out in time for graduation."
+ "Oh, The Constitution--that pesky thing."
+ "Peer pressure isn't against the law."

Seed
+ "What are you going to do, put a test tube on the stand?"

Wannabe
+ Claire: "The school circled the limos to keep the Barclay name out of it."
Adam: "I'm shocked."
Jack: "This isn't stink bombs in the boys room, Adam! They hindered prosecution of an A felony!"
Adam: "Now I'm very shocked."

Act of God
+ "In the future, if we ever go to trial again, maybe we ought to know what we're doing."
Listen! (.wav format)

Privileged
+ "Got no case? Come to us and we'll give you all the help you need!"

Bad Faith
+ "Even golfers retire."
+ Adam: "What have you been inhaling? You want to name the Catholic Church as a co-conspirator?"

Purple Heart
+ "This defense lawyer makes suspects out of your own witnesses! We're lucky this isn't on TV!"
+ Adam: "Well, at least there is one redeeming fact."
McCoy: "And what's that?"
Adam: "Saving the citizens a little money, losing two cases for the price of one."

Switch
+ Jack: "I got the feeling she was more confused than anything."
Adam: "With three personalities, who wouldn't be?"
+ "It's the father, it's the daughter, it's Bobby. You need a scorecard to keep track!"
+ "Now you're saying the father didn't do it. You ought to take this roller coaster to Coney Island."
+ "In other words, you have no idea who could have committed this crime."

Pride
+ "Very touching, a hustler in love."
+ Jack: "Gays are unstable. Gays are violent."
Adam: "Yeah, they're so emotionally fragile they just go off their pretty little heads."
+ "Don't worry about two out of five, worry about one out of twelve."

Season 6 (1 2 3 4 5 7 8 9 10 ?)

Rebels
+ Adam: "Who's hearing the motion?"
Jack: "Judge Connors."
Adam: "Oh, good. I don't think she subscribes [to the biker magazine]."

Savages
+ "Although I'd like to pretend I'm Solomon, Miss Kincaid, I'm not. I�m just an elected official who hasn't slept the past three nights."

Jeopardy
+ "You lost the dialing instructions for your phone?"
+ "The last new trick he learned was the Twist."
+ "You got around double jeopardy. You climbed Everest in your shorts. On a cold day."

Paranoia
+ "Where in your job description does it say you're supposed to be happy?"

Angel
+ Jack: "The Oprah-fication of America ended when the Menedez brothers weren�t convicted. The pendulum has swung, Adam. People don�t care about why anymore, they just care about what.�
Adam: "Just get this over with before the pendulum swings back."
+ "This is a murder trial, not a theodicacy seminar!"

Remand
+ "You have the victim and the confession, you want me to gift wrap it for you?"
+ "Muñoz just crawled halfway out of the hole we dug for him thirty years ago. You hit him on the head with a shovel before he crawls all the way out."
+ "We're legally, morally, and ethically required to keep this information from him, and that's exactly what we're going to do."
+ Jack: "Didn't you tell me you never make this job personal?"
Adam: "I lied...second time in thirty years."

Corpus Delicti
+ "You've been reading your law journal upside-down."
+ "Wonderful. Dear Diary--Killed Ruth Thomas today and threw her body into a cesspool. Do you think he's that stupid?"

Trophy
+ "Everybody's calling, from the Times to the Enquirer. What do I say about Andrew Dillard? 'Oops?' "

Custody
+ Claire: "Have you read the file on Jenny Mays?"
Adam: "I'm sure I'm about to get a synopsis."
+ Claire: "Black and white adoptions are suddenly everyone's favorite whipping boy."
Adam: "Right along with this office."

Encore
+ "This guy again? He never heard of a divorce lawyer?"
+ "So now Dobson's poster boy for When Bad Things Happen To Bad People."

Deceit
+ "Who the hell is running the police department, Anita Bryant?"

Atonement
+ Adam: "Isn't your theory of the crime getting to be like theirs? They say he's an outraged boyfriend, you say he's an outraged would-be boyfriend."
Jack: "There's a world of difference between a jealous lover and some horny bastard who's mad he can't get to first base."
Adam: "Eloquent. Can't wait for your closing argument."
+ "Scannel is a major drug dealer. This Johnny Stivers works for him. Stivers doles out drugs to Sharon Lasko. Wild idea, but her death just might have something to do with drugs."

Girlfriends
+ "Crack open the piggy bank, see what tumbles out."
+ "Where'd you do your graduate work, law school or West Point?"
+ Claire: "There is a school of thought that a woman owns her own body for the purposes of recreation and procreation. She also has the right to sell it."
Adam: "And where is this school located?"

Pro Se
+ "No comment? If you were trying to churn the waters, congratulations."
+ Jack: "Then why didn't he plead insanity?"
Adam: "Because he's insane?"

Season 7 (1 2 3 4 5 6 8 9 10 ?)

I.D.
+ "Sisters killing sisters...haven't seen that one for a week or two."
+ "Make sure your air bags are working!"
+ "It has nothing to do with the fact that all this time you had no idea what you were talking about."

Good Girl
+ "Four days of deliberation, what are they doing, electing a pope?"

Deadbeat
+ "You arrange the seance. Miss Ross will work out the plea bargain."

Entrapment
+ "I see. The FBI never makes mistakes. Ever heard of Ruby Ridge?"

Legacy
+ Jack: "If I follow her orders about whom to prosecute."
Adam: "Good luck to her. I have enough trouble getting you to follow mine."
+ Jamie: "We can find out if there really were rats in that laundry room."
Adam: "You volunteering for the assignment?"

Menace
+ "Throw the book at him. When the grand jury throws it back, don't get hit in the head."
+ "And who has evidence of this conspiracy, Mack the Knife?"

Matrimony
+ "You'll hear it again, I promise you. The butler did it."

Showtime
+ Adam: "Now�this news I like."
Jack: "Shake her hand, Adam.� I'm just an old-fashioned prosecutor--I try cases."
Adam: "Makes 'em look weak." [priceless expression]
Jack: "How things look to some general audience is not relevant in a courtroom."
Adam: "Oh, will you wake him up, Miss Ross?� We're approaching the 21st Century.� It matters, Jack.� When are you going to get a new tie?"
+ Jack: "We're getting creamed."
Adam: "It's nice that you and the media have finally agreed on something."
+ Adam: "Started with a murder, ends with an execution. You got what you wanted. Take the rest of the week off."
Jack : "It's Friday, Adam."
Adam: "So it is. See you Monday."

Mad Dog
+ "It's legally brilliant, bound to be a hit with the public, and you have no business doing it."
+ "By the way, how's that case going? He hasn't led his police escort to a secret stash of evidence? I'm shocked!"
+ "You can thumb your nose at a federal judge, but I won't let you drag the law through the sewer to catch a rat."

Double Down
+ "He confessed to a murder to avoid being prosecuted for a murder. I'm putting this one in my memoirs."

Past Imperfect
+ "Good choice!� She'll convince the jury Christine Sandler took parenting lessons from Susan Smith."
+ "Nice going, you made her cry.� That'll win you points in the jury room."
+ "Lawyers..."

Terminal
+ Keener: "My people think it fits the requirements of the death penalty."
Adam: "If you turn the penal law into a bag of pretzels."
+ "If the governor wanted the statute to cover this crime, he should have thought of that when he wrote it."
+ "I don't like ultimatums."
+ "I'm doing criminal justice, I'm not doing politics."
+ "You do what you have to do. You're still welcome to my scotch."
+ Adam: �Mulroy only gives the governor virtually unfettered discretion to take over a case.�
Jack: �You�re gonna hang your hat on virtually?�
Adam: "He could have said absolutely."

Season 8 (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10 ?)

Thrill
+ Jack: "I want them both convicted."
Adam: "Of firing the same bullet? You familiar with the laws of physics?"

Denial
+ Jamie: "A dead baby and no one's responsible."
Adam: "No one was responsible when it was alive either."

Navy Blues
+ "And remember it is a murder trial, not a debate between Gloria Steinman and George Beck."

Harvest
+ "If either conviction survives an appeal, I'll buy a new hat."
+ Jack: "He got arrogant."
Adam: "An occupational hazard of people with the power of life and death."
Jack: "Like doctors."
Adam: "And prosecutors."

Blood
+ "Back then, they used lynch mobs and bullwhips; now, they use toilet plungers. Progress."
+ "Why do you always give me bad news while I'm digesting?"

Carrier
+ "Oh, I see, I'm an old fuddy-duddy."

Monster
+ "Don't get weepy on me. I'm not Nixon and you're not Ehrlichman."
+ "Couldn't you at least wait till I've finished dinner?"

Season 9 (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 ?)

DWB
+ "For all you know, you don't know anything! Between Internal Affairs and you, the Red Sox couldn't have done a better job of botching it up!"

Flight
+ "When I'm in the dumps, I have a scotch and put on Louis Armstrong."
+ "You never learn, do you?"

Scrambled
+ "Very good. This is exactly the kind of thing we don't want to get into."
+ "See? This is just where we don't want to be going!"

Venom
+ "She planned a murder. Can't let her off with a fine."

Punk
+ "My neck is starting to hurt."

True North
+ "The death penalty may be statutory, it's not mandatory."

Hate
+ "He hopes the jury will be so distracted by your assault on the first amendment they'll forget to convict."
+ Jack: "If I thought we could stop hate with one prosecution or one law, I'd be a fool."
Adam: "Yeah, but you'd be my kind of fool."

Ramparts
+ Police Official: "What's the point?!?"
Adam: "Justice. I want to fight the subpoena. Bring body armor."

Haven
+ "This thing's a hand grenade with the pin pulled and Councilman Clayton's rolling it our way."

Hunters
+ "Are we done? Our righteous indignation satisfied? We're not charing[?] these guys."

Sideshow
+ "Contempt of a federal grand jury. Good plan!"

Disciple
+ "All right, split the difference. Prove that a saint can commit murder."

Juvenile
+ Abbie: "Who are the idiots who forgot to close the loophole?"
Adam: "Those idiots are my friends."
+ Jack: "We tried to handle the media, looks like the media handled us."
Adam: "Manhandled is more like it."

Empire
+ "You wound a rhinoceros, make sure you have a tree handy."

Admissions
+ Adam: "You're using the authority of this office like a foot on the neck."
Jack: "We've done that before."
Adam: "You usually have one leg to stand on."

Refuge
+ "I see, you're planning to violate three--no, five--amendments to the Constitution."

Season 10 (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ?)

Merger
+ "Can we stop playing musical suspects?"

Justice
+ "Lift your own petard, my boy."

Loco Parentis
+ Jack: "Maybe you should try the case."
Adam: "Do I have to do all the work around here?"

Panic
+ "J. Edgar Hoover would be proud."

Trade This
+ "We end up performing our first hit for the mob."

Black, White, and Blue
+ "Last time an Albany jury convicted a cop, I had a full head of black hair."

Mega
+ Adam: "What is this, some kind of crazy cult?"
Abbie: "More like a self-actualization group."
Adam: "Self what?"

Surrender Dorothy
+ " 'Never argue with your husband. If he takes the wrong exit off the freeway, don't correct him.' Doesn't sound half bad."
+ "In other words, you're saying the M.E. doesn't know the difference between a strangulation and a hanging?"

High & Low
+ Adam: "See if I'm caught up. Got the business student, bigots, bar owner--"
Jack: "A banker and a bimbo."
Adam: "This is a John LeCarre novel."

Vaya Con Dios
+ "Stupid me. I was under the impression that our national interest was prosecuting people who murder our citizens."
+ "This is my favorite! 'Jury fries the Colonel.'"
+ "Murder is murder--wherever."

Unknown source (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10)
+ Ben: "Better to light a match than curse the darkness."
Adam: "Be careful you don't light a fuse."
+ "What happened to 'Give me your huddled masses'? What the hell has happened to this city?"