The Sorry Story of Bubba and Lula May's Divorce

Bubba and Lula May had been arguing worse than usual fer several days.  Lula May claimed Bubba had been messing around on her and Bubba countered that Lula weren’t worth a damn as a momma to ther boys.  Come Saturday night they went dancing at the VFW Hall thinking a little romance might patch things up between them.  Well it wasn’t long until they were yelling at each other so bad that they were asked to leave the premises so folks could hear the music. 

On the drive back to ther double-wide, Bubba shouted “I’ll tell ya one damn thing, ya keep up this nastiness and I’m gonna tell yar momma ya bedded me ‘fore we was married and that Billie Ray weren’t really five months premature after all.”  Lula May screamed back “Know what I’ll do if you do that?” And Bubba hollered back “Whut?” “I’ll tell everybody you weren’t the first, the onlyest, or the best ‘ne, but you was the only one dumb enouf to believe Billie Ray was three months premature.”

They’s divorced pretty soon after that and that allowed Bubba to hang out down at the Hideaway Lounge playing pool wif his buddies even more than usual.  They got to jawing about the divorce and the property settlement and all one night and Bubba told ‘em that the whole thing had gone “slicker as deer guts on a doorknob.  Weren’t much arguing at all after we decided to bust up. We split everthin' right down the middle, even the double-wide. But I saw to it I got the best half.”  

The boys, knowing Bubba, right away figured that Bubba must have pulled his half of the double-wide off and boarded up that whole open side wif the old lumber he had piled up from when the barn fell in, but they did worry ‘bout what happened to Lula May’s half (most of them knew Lula May real well themselves). But Bubba ‘splained  “Naw, settling up was plumb easy.  We didn’t split the trailer long-ways, I gave her the inside and she gave me the outside.  I figure I got the shiny piece and she got the stink.”

Bubba explained, “I got the screened porch, what’s left of the barn, the pickup that runs and all the cars that don’t.  I got all the hound dogs that hunt, but not the li’le yappie ‘ne she keeps inside.  I get to keep the tire swing and the inflatable swimming pool fer when the kids come outside to visit.  My tools, the motor hoist and the lean-to garage are all mine so I can keep on making a living.  I get to keep everthin' she throwed out of the house at me.  I got the satellite dish and she ain’t figured out yet that I’m gonna pull the plug on her.  The kids can come outside and watch satellite TV in the camper wif me.  I got the guns racked in the truck and the fishing poles in the bed box.  I got the boat, the pond and the pier. I got an ice chest fer beer, the barbeque barrel fer cooking, and that old sofa under the shade tree fer entertaining.