'Bout Redneck Gals

Ah ‘spect the wimmen ‘round here sumtimes think this place is just an ol’ boys’ hangout.  'Cause when folks talk ‘bout rednecks, they’re mostly thinking ‘bout those stereotypical hyper-males, Bubba & Cooter, couple of none to bright good ol’ boys that hunt, fish, spit, cuss and get drunk.  But there are ever bit as many redneck gals as there are good ol’ boys and they’re doing pretty much the same things as the menfolk.  You might catch the gals going to work a might more regular and they’ll probably be a bit more reliable ‘bout doing the household chores, but they’re just as fun-loving, hell-raising and troublesome, if not even a li’le bit more obstinate. 

The gals are the ones that’ll get supper on the table on time, remember to take the garbage out, feed the dogs once in a while, and keep the family in clean underwear.  It’s up to them to get the bills paid ever month, at least as many as there’s money for.  But mostly, they think and act pruddy much like their menfolk and can handle just ‘bout anything any ol’ boy can, probably better to hear them.

She’ll be in the duck blind or on the boat with her man just as long as it ain’t early or too cold.  She’s likely to be able to out shoot, out cast and out drink her man, but won’t unless he’s really pissed her off, ‘cause she’s considerate, sumthing he don’t know a thing ‘bout.  She can cuss, fuss, and then go ahead and straighten out his messes good as any of his men friends can.  She can drive a dozer, sling a hammer, plow a field or clean the fish as good as he can, but you just watch him try to diaper a baby.

If it weren’t fer the gals naggin’ ‘em into it, most menfolk would never get a damn thing done.  Not that the menfolk would care, ‘cause that’s why they’re not doing it to begin wif.

A redneck gal may be as mean as a weasel, slippery as a snake, and tenacious as a snapping turtle, or as loving as yar grandma, sweet as sugar cane, and horny as a toad all in the same time.  Fer the men, it’s a constant effort to figure out what they’re gonna be right now. 

Fer as temperament goes, there ain’t an ol’ boy alive that’ll hold a grudge as long a redneck gal will.  Man’ll get mad, make a lot of noise, break up sum stuff over sum supposed slight by his best buddy, but he’ll settle down pruddy soon, whereas a li’le gal will wait fer hell to freeze over in order to get a clear shot at her best friend that done her wrong.  And she’ll talk soft and kiss her on the cheek right  ‘fore she pulls the trigger.

There’s three things in a li’le rednecks gals life you don’t want to mess with, her bank account, her young’uns, and her man.  Make a sweet thing jealous and you’ll regret it.  Men kill fer money but wimmen kill fer love. 

But she is truly a loving, sweet thing inside, she just has to keep the li’le girl in there from getting’ hurt too much.  She goes by to see her mama every other day, even though mama ain’t got a good word to say.  Sees to it the widower wimmen at the nursing home got what they need.  Flirts with the old men so they feel hopeful.  Calls a couple of hundred folks a day by their first name. 

She’s got a wardrobe full of tight jeans, short tops and pushup bras ‘cause she don’t mind showing what she’s got, even if it’d be better off left covered up ‘til its felt in the dark.  She’ll spend all day shopping so she can put together one outfit for less than he’ll spend on beer and cigarettes tonight, but she’s got a closet full of them.  She’s got more face paint than he has house paint, and she uses it religiously.  She’s been majoring in do-yourself-beauty-school since kindergarten. 

But there’s one thing you can count on wif a redneck girl… she’s gonna have a big ol’ heart.  You better make her happy ‘cause you damn sure don’t want her mad.