The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said, Mine is like an Old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
At the cocktail party, one man said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong woman".
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'an in the classifieds" "Wife wanted". Next day he recieved a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
The groom, upon his engagement, went to her father and said, "I've found a man just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son" Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marraies her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was unti I got married; and then it was to late."
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him? asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billonair."
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
If yo want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wern't for marriage, men woul go through life thinking they had no faults. at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday night, and so does she.
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got a girlfriend.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head an da beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
"Now, Donna, don't be concern, I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why dont you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 am, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 pm, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come hom.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhod Day in my life!"
To Which the man matter of factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." Teh dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool." says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answeres, "Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed teh boy, "Then who are these for? he asks, picking up a 12 pack. Wish a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March............"
He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going away from here."
He questions her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make 400 bucks a night doing what I give you for free."
He pondered that then went into teh house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
She said,"And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going too. I want to see how you are going to live on 800 dollars a year!"
