SOME TOP 10 THINGS
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED....
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, an dthen we can talk."
9. The school principal has your number on speed- dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often medicated by law enforcement officeals.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
10. Mad about everything
9. Husseinfeld
8. Allah McBeal
7. Whell of Fortune and Terror
6. Achmed's Creek
5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it is Right
4. Children are Forbidden from Saying Anything Darndest.
3. The Brian Benden Bin Laden Show
2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
1. Suddenly Sanctions
TOP 10 BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER....
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy had while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T.....
10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of the sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up..I need to wash my balls first.
TOP 10 THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY......
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurment.
1. Repeat number 9.....
TOP 10 THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY.....
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they cold finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...before closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. FINALLY FIND THAT DAMMED G-SPOT!!
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ISN'T RIGHT......
9. Promises to improve foreigh relations with Hawaii.
8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
6. Outsatnding record as Govenor of Rhode Island mullified by the fact that no one really cares.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees one and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiances as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.