First appearing in the River City Gender Alliance Transformer, July 2000:

I just finished reading a powerful novel about a sociopath, about suicide and about needing and being needed. �The Toy Collector,� by James Gunn, was very disturbing, and I always say �any book that produces an emotion in you, other than boredom, is good.�

But don�t look for this tome in the RCGA Library. It�s not there. �The Toy Collector� has absolutely nothing to do with cross-gender issues. I promised I was going to review another book from our library this month, but to be honest, I haven�t felt very connected to my transgender roots.

To be honest, every time I look in the mirror, I just see a fat, hairy guy looking back. And that happens. Sometimes, and I don�t know why, the �zest to transvest� leaves me. Just part of being human I guess.

The last time I felt the urge to dress was for the Pride Festival. That might have taken it out of me for a while. Being called �sir� twice, and sweating buckets is not very conducive to reinforcing feminine feelings.

To tell the truth, I�m rather amazed I did attend as Ronnie. After all, the event was in a very public place, and I�m a rather private person.

But sometimes we do strange things. I know Rachel, Stephi, Dean, Mindy and Sam were a little surprised to see me there. After what happened there, I�m glad I braved the elements and the television cameras and tried to help with the RCGA concession stand.

It�s interesting to note that while the majority of the RCGA is made up of closeted individuals, it was the out-of-the-closet members who made the biggest impact for the group.

I want to thank those people who are out there on the front lines, doing the good work they do. I don�t know that we closeted individuals can thank them enough. They are the ones who have braved the scorn of an intolerant society, and sometimes, the disapproval of family, friends and coworkers to do what they have to do.

At the same time, I want to ask those very same people for one more thing: Tolerance of the rest of us. Yes, I�m in the closet too, and while I did go to the Festival, I was deathly afraid of being seen by the media.

Please remember, full-timers, some of us aren�t ready for that big step out into the open. Some of us don�t ever want to go that way. If we seem outgoing and confident at a meeting, that may be the only opportunity we get to be that way. I know for me, the trip from my front door to the car is always the longest and scariest part of a trip out. I have no desire to let my neighbors in on my secret.

I�m not ready for my family to know. And I sure as heck don�t want it talked about at work.

I think it�s probably easy to think that while we�re together, we�re all alike: that we have all had the same experiences. It�s not true though. From a shy member�s point of view, I forget that some members can�t just go home, put away the clothing and be done with it. And conversely, it�s probably just as easy to forget that some of us have to hide our true nature, because it might ruin a relationship with a friend, parent, spouse or co-worker.�

The Pride Festival was about showing the world that we�re here, we�re different, and we demand to be treated fairly. And it was also about building bridges between different groups: TG�s, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and all points in-between. In that spirit, let�s not let the bridges between full-timers and closeted members of the group erode away.

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