It is so hard to go on with life without you and think of having to do it without you. I want you here with me again so badly, although I know that is not possible. I have so much anger built up inside of me, I am mad because you where taken away from me with no warning and so early. I wanted so dearly to watch you learn how to do different things, I would have been so proud to be able to see you crawl for the first time and to say Mama for the first time.
I feel as if a part of me died with you, some of my hopes and dreams just disappeared. I feel as if I was robbed of things that would have been so precious.
I love you so much and want to hold you again although I know that is impossible, It hurts me to know that God can hold you, and I can't, Sometimes I get so mad at God because he took you away, Now all I can do is remember the 7 weeks and 5 days we did have together.
Our bath times when Grandma would wash you up as I played with you as you kcked your feet and smiled. Another time I enjoyed was early mornings when it was just the two of us and we would play together. I loved it when you would kicj your feet and laugh your baby laugh, Oh how I miss hearing that sound, I miss seeing your smile, when you smiled it was as if your smile lit up the whole room, I miss your laugh, I remember the last time you laughed, We where all singing with the karaoke machine and you where swinging in your swing. Your Grandpa got up and was singing "Kiss This" and you let out such a big laugh. It was the best thing I had heard in my life. I miss watching you listen to your Rock-N-Roll Elmoand seeing you smile ay him. Sometimes I would play your learn and play piano, but you would still think it was him and stare at him with a smile on your face. You even began to grab at his hand as he played his guitar. You where growing up so fast. Oh how you loved music.
I remember when I was still pregnant with you and I went with your Grandma to the karaoke show she was running, when certain songs would come on you would kick me real hard, and it wasn't just the one kick, there would be many. It was as if you where dancing in my belly.
One time I talked your Grandma into getting this big Big Bird that had a tape player built into it just so I could play music for you as you slept, I used it many times so you could sleep.
I remember the day you where born just like it was yesterday, I remember your first cry, oh how wonderful that sound was to my ears, I couldn't help but cry along with you.
You where such a good baby girl, you hardly ever cried; the only time you did was when you really needed something. I loved and cared for you dearly. I still love you, please don't forget that.
I remember there where many timed in the hospital I had to wake you up to feed you, you where such a good sleeper, I would lay in bed and just watch you as you quietly slept at night, you looked so peacful and happy.
I remember the first time your Grandpa held you, the look on his face showed me how wonderful he thought you were, and I know he still thinks you are wonderful and misses you, just like I do.
I remember when you where laid into my arms for the first time, you where crying, and as soon as they put you into my arms you stopped crying and looked up at me, the look in your eyes was as iff you where telling me that you were waiting for me, it was as if you where asking me "Where have you been? It took you a long time to get here"
I will never forget that feeling, the pure love I had for you from the moment I met you, Your Grandma was with us the whole time we where in hospital, she was there when you where born and was the first one to hold you, because I was tired and still going through surgery.
I did everything in my power to keep you happy, and I hope I was able to do that.
I remember times when your Grandpa would come home from work and play with you, if you where sleeping I would get so mad because he would wake you up, He acted just like a child with a new toy.
I remember dinner time the first night you where home, your Grandpa took his dinner into the livingroom to be with you. I was eating at the table with your Grandma, Uncle Ray and Aunt Rita, then I looked out into the livingroom and you and your Grandpa where both sleeping, you lying on his chest, I just had to take a picture of that, it was such a lovely thing to see.
Sometimes when you would be laying on the floor playing, your Grandpa would lay down there with you so he could play with you, I loved watching you guys play together.
I remember when your Great-Grandpa would come to visit and hold you, you would always smile up at him. He would come in the house and sit down and just wait for you to be put in his lap, he would hold you until you started fussing, then he would give you back to me, but that was usually what you wanted.
You loved to be held and sang to. Sometimes when we where alone, I would just sit there rocking you and singing little songs to you, That was our special time.
